Pirate Antiques Road Show

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Pirate Antiques Road Show

Postby black bart on Sun Sep 16, 2007 3:22 pm

Good afternoon and welcome to "Pirate Antiques Road Show"

Here you can bring along your valuables and be stunned by our experts valuation...will you keep your beautiful heirloom, or will ye be straight down Portsmouth market to flog it for the highest price?

Today's expert is 'Professor of Antiquities, Portsmouth Museum of stolen Treasure' Orlando Krump.

Krump: Good evening, amd what have you got here Mr Bart?

Me:Well, I shouldn't thinks it's worth much more than a couple o Cronans but I've got a complete set of early 'Walktheplank' wigs.

Krump: Good lord...I've never seen the like of this...the workmanship is extraordinary...such weeving. This one I believe is Ming Dynasty and it alone is worth at least 500 Cronan! Whilst this one, although rather nit infested, still retains vestages of it's original glue! I congratulate you on your collection Mr Bart. I would estimate that the insurance value alone of your collection is in the region of 5,000 Cronan...

Me: Good grief...lucky I managed to half inch em of Plank's...er, I would never part with them...they are too special. The money means nothing to me...honest.

Krump: Well thank you for showing us this splendid collection...I seem to be getting rather itchy now though...er, back to the studio.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby tanguerra on Sun Sep 16, 2007 7:51 pm

Image

Haaargggh, Perfessor, I have this wee heirloom what has been in me family for some times.

Family legend has it that this be formerly a possession of the Chief of a Headhunting tribe of extraordinary ruthlessness. Once I were told it were made from the shinbone of Bonny Prince Charlies, but DNA evidence not beig available, I have always taken that with a grain of salt.

Do yer think it would be worth a couple of dubloons? I be somewhat loathe to part with it, looking so attractive on me bedside table as it do, but perhaps it may be of interest to a collector?
Aaarrrrgggh!

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Postby Dan(da haole guy) on Sun Sep 16, 2007 9:41 pm

Aloha, Professah Krump...afore yez 'valuate Cap'n tanguerra's wunnerful still death (well, it ain't alive izzit..& it's sure as hell still!), lemme look @ it a bit..*sigh* reminds me uv my mum, it does..(after she lost all da weight on Pyrate Jenny Claig's "Final Die-ette")..awww..*sniffs*..da ovah-bite, da receding lower jaw.. :cry:

OK, Professor K..fangs fo' lettin' me take up summa yer valuable evaluatin' toime..*grimaces shyly & limps away*
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Antique

Postby black bart on Mon Sep 17, 2007 4:03 am

tanguerra wrote:Image

Haaargggh, Perfessor, I have this wee heirloom what has been in me family for some times.

Family legend has it that this be formerly a possession of the Chief of a Headhunting tribe of extraordinary ruthlessness. Once I were told it were made from the shinbone of Bonny Prince Charlies, but DNA evidence not beig available, I have always taken that with a grain of salt.

Do yer think it would be worth a couple of dubloons? I be somewhat loathe to part with it, looking so attractive on me bedside table as it do, but perhaps it may be of interest to a collector?


Professah Krump: Well, er, I say...you are a lovely lady aren't you. On this occasion I feel a one to one discussion about your treasure in the back room would be more appropriate...come this way young lady...yes, yes, bring the Skull thingy aswell.
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Postby The Black Spot on Mon Sep 17, 2007 9:42 am

Arrrr Krump.

Will ye take a look at me collection o' Death Masks. There be some right rich an' famous people 'ere. All the masks be in perfect condition; they may look like some o' them have bin dropped, but that's because they all died rather nasty like. It be purely coincidence that I were at hand to get the masks.

Look at this one o' Lord Turtleneck fer example. It may look like it's half melted, but that be because he met 'is end when an unknown assailant swung a ship's anchor at 'im. Silly sod shouldn't have knocked me tankard over.

What's this fine collection worth then?
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Postby walktheplank on Mon Sep 17, 2007 11:33 am

And now we go to Antiques Roadshow fashion expert Mrs Doris Hickerybottom who has a customer with her.

"Oh my Lord" said Mrs Doris Hickerybottom "What a splendid collection of beautiful Pink ballgowns, the lucky lady must have looked beautiful wearing these".

"Arrrr" said Dave L "These belong to no wench, these be me personal collection an I be wearing a different one each noight of the week"

"Oooh I say" said Mrs Doris Hickerybottom "You look like a ruffian to me, not someone who would wear such a feminine dress, I suppose you'll be wanting to know how much they are worth"

"Well" said Dave L, I was wandering loike, "cos I could always pinch a few more if I sell these ones"

"In normal circumstances" said Mrs Doris Hickerybottom "This exquisite collection would fetch over 50,000 Cronans in auction, unfortunatly, they each contain a blemish which makes them practically worthless"

"Arrr What bemish would that be then" said Dave L.

Well it is a bit embarrassing" said Mrs Doris Hickerybottom "how can I put this, they all appear to have skid marks on the inside"

"Oh buggar" said Dave L
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Postby black bart on Mon Sep 17, 2007 4:25 pm

The Black Spot wrote:Arrrr Krump.

Will ye take a look at me collection o' Death Masks. There be some right rich an' famous people 'ere. All the masks be in perfect condition; they may look like some o' them have bin dropped, but that's because they all died rather nasty like. It be purely coincidence that I were at hand to get the masks.

Look at this one o' Lord Turtleneck fer example. It may look like it's half melted, but that be because he met 'is end when an unknown assailant swung a ship's anchor at 'im. Silly sod shouldn't have knocked me tankard over.

What's this fine collection worth then?


I'll take a look at yer bleedin Death Masks when you return my priceless collection of bronze figurines that ye swiped from the museum...hang on a minute, these death masks are cast in bronze!
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Postby Dan(da haole guy) on Mon Sep 17, 2007 8:23 pm

ARR-oha..an' 'ere oi fought The Black Spot 'ad brass ones 'n' oi findz out dey be bronze..(da fings one loins on 'ese freads..amazin')
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Postby tanguerra on Mon Sep 17, 2007 9:23 pm

Well, Perfessor, I'd be delighted to accompany you. Be that where you keep yer little safe, in the back room thar?

My, how very interestin'. I'll be assumin' a rich and successful Perfessor such as yerself might be havin' all sorts of valuable items in there. Prehaps ye'd care to show 'em to me. I'd be most interested in seein' yer collection an all.

<eyelashes flutterin' / clutchin' skull thingy behind back thinking what a heavy blunt object it be an all and should I really part with such a useful thing?>
Aaarrrrgggh!

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Postby black bart on Tue Sep 18, 2007 6:48 am

Krump:Well thankyou for bringing this fine piece of Early Georgian furniture in Mr Roberts...a lovely example of the genre. You probably guessed it's Oak by the lustre of the grain. The turning and the fine arabesque decoration of the finials is quite exquisite. There is considerable wear to the bun foot and I'm afraid the brass escutcheons are not original...however it is still an excellent example of the work of the Martins Brothers. Could you tell us how you came by this fine piece...and why have you only brought the one leg of the table in?

Me: Well...arrrr....er....I....er, twill be allright once Walktheplank gets a new one...he only fell about forty feet onto the docks...look how much is it worth?
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Postby The Black Spot on Wed Sep 19, 2007 8:30 am

Krump: Now what's this you've brought to show me? It seems to be a late 16th Century Naval flintlock - I say, look at that pleasing patina on the lock plate. If I'm not mistaken, that's an 8 and a half inch barrel, slightly flaring at the muzzel. And that's the original ramrod! A very desirable pistol. Tell me, have you had it long?

Me:Stick em up.
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meetin

Postby black bart on Wed Sep 19, 2007 8:41 am

Urgent meetin on board Bart's ship...

Me: Now then lads we've flogged off Walktheplank's Wigs and his peg leg...what else has he got of value?

First Mate: Captain, his Long Winded Tales of the sea must be worth a fortune to the Insomnia Drug Industry!
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Postby anthrobabe on Thu Sep 20, 2007 10:25 pm

Krump: And what do ye have for us young lass? Seems ye have a book o photos there with ye.

Me: Yes sirs, they aren't old or anthing, in fact some o them are quite newish- recently taken. I'd like to have them valued if ye will sirs?
ye see-- these here are fairly clear an all- the faces shows up real well.

Krump: turns red and begins to sputter and shake

Me: They be original photos of various pirates visitin Madam Fifi's "special room"---
I see's ye recognize some o the aformentioned faces
well then let's start the bidding at .........

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Postby black bart on Mon Sep 24, 2007 4:57 pm

Krump: Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, I have before me an incredible artifact, an early 'Scumsoft' computer:

Image

Krump:Thankyou for bringing it in Mr Roberts and pray tell us what is so special about this item.

Bart: Arrrrrrrr it be so old it be the only Scumsoft Computer not to be able ta run 'Portholes' operatin system on it.

Krump: Marvelous...er, how does that help?

Bart: Well, it be the only computer left what don't have the RRR computer virus!

Krump: The 'RRR' computer virus?

Bart: Aye the 'Rev Rowan Redbeard' virus, keeps postin on about tea until yer hard disk explodes!
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Postby PantyGnawer on Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:12 am

PG sneaks in and steals all your rum
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