Pirate Lifestyle with Big Ron and Co.

[DaveL]

Dear Pirates,

Have yer ever watched those bleedin' lifestyle programs, where half the time they just state the bleedin' obvious? 'An icecube is made by putting water in the freezer. Brilliant!!' or 'If I wear just one eyepatch, not two, I might be able to see, Awesome!!'

Lifestyle programs usually consist of a few clapped out ole TV stars, looking to boost their sagging profile doing gardening, knocking 2 pieces of timber together or shampooing their cat.

So why not have our own pirate lifestyle team? We've assembled your lifestlye team, right here!

Your Pirate lifestyle team:

* Big Ron - the windy Portsmouth Butcher;
* Bustling Brian - the aspiring over ambitious plumber;
* Pirgella Lawson - kitchen godess extraordinaire;
* The Dark Avenger - law and order;
* Captain Cronan - Open water Piracy;
* Tiddles the Cat - petcare and mutineering.

The team will answer your bleedin obvious Pirate lifestyle questions right here, right now! If yer have any questions for the team, ask them here!

The format will be as per Ask Aunty Blackbeard, (who by the way, refused to associate with these blaggards).

[Pachyderm]

Oi 'as a question fer Pirgella.

Does she loike pirates whut look loike a huge, grey scrotum? Wif big teef?

An' if'n she don't, how does Oi get Fish 'Ead Stoo stains outta me mainsail?

[black bart]

ARRRRR...I'd loik to ask Cap'n Cronan, what be the best way to store yer Grog Vouchers, and where be the safest place ta keep em hid?

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Dear Pachy 'ere be yer response from Pirgella

"Dear Pachy Darling,

As I am the Pirate Lifestyle Chef, I suggest you limit your terms of reference to me skills in the kitchen.

I've never seen a grey one before, as I'm betrothed to DaveL, who is quite accustomed to all things pink. In fact pink be his favourite colour, speshially after a session at the Admiral.

Saucy Gert feeds him too many rums and his inhibitions get away.

Teeth? No he doesn't have (m)any.

Kind Regards,

Pirgella,
Kitchen Godess"

[DaveL]

ARRRRR...I'd loik to ask Cap'n Cronan, what be the best way to store yer Grog Vouchers, and where be the safest place ta keep em hid?

Dear Bart,

Captain Cronan being a ghost only responds in white ghostly text. He has sent you a response from the afterlife, which you'll need to decipher using a medium, or other.

Dear Bart,

You of all people are the biggest of thieving blaggards O'ive ever come across. Considering all the Grog Vouchers ye stole off me ship, Oi think you should know darn well where Oi hides 'em.

Being a ghost in the fifth dimension obviously has it's advantages. But Oi wouldn't put it past yer to steal my ghostly stash.

Be off wif yer!

Regards,

Captain Cronan

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron,

I bought a boot leg copy of the Phantom Menace from you Butcher Store yesterday. Can yer tell me what happened to the sound? It appears to have a few glitches in it.

O'ill never look at Darth Maul with a straight face again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nY20SHNdrg

Koind Regards,

Captain CH4

[black bart]

Dear Bustlin Brian

Some toim ago ye came round and stuck yer plunger up me bilge pump...what be the best sort of shaft to ave on yer plunger, ash, oak or curtain rail?

[The Black Spot]

Dear Big Ron

I were passin' yer shop the other day, an' noticed that ye had several bulls hangin' up in the back room. Strangely enough, none o' them had any knackers. A bit odd I thought.

p.s.
I see ye have some more o' those "boil in the bag" dinners in. They be a bit chewy, but very tasty.

[ChowMein]

Hey dare BB, I dont node iffen ye shud by enny moor dem "boilin bag suppers" , the bag I bot still had hARR onnet ! YARRRR!

[DaveL]

Dear Big Ron

I were passin' yer shop the other day, an' noticed that ye had several bulls hangin' up in the back room. Strangely enough, none o' them had any knackers. A bit odd I thought.

p.s.
I see ye have some more o' those "boil in the bag" dinners in. They be a bit chewy, but very tasty.

Dear Black Spot,

My deknackered bulls are selected from the finest range of castrati bred cattle in all the land. They've never bin near a cow, and their roars be very high pitched.

Those boil in the bag dinners are me newest specialty. Oi thinks you and the family will 'have a ball'eatin them.

Koind, Meaty Regards,

Big Ron

[DaveL]

Dear Bustlin Brian

Some toim ago ye came round and stuck yer plunger up me bilge pump...what be the best sort of shaft to ave on yer plunger, ash, oak or curtain rail?

Dear Bart,

I'm glad to be out of prison and back doin' lifestyle. The PR machine was werkin over time to spin me reputation back into the good books. YArrrr...however if you tell someone only 80% of the truth, yer can sell ice back to the eskimoes.

Anyways, that be a very technical question there (I wish Oi knew the answer). The art of the plunger shaft be a most intricate one. Oi quite like a good curtain rail for a bilge pump. The less discerning pirate will never tell the difference (except Oz_Nick of course).

However, if yer got a fusspot customer, point 'em to the ivory section of me store. There be nuthin better than a few elephants dyin' for some rich blokes bilge pump.

YArr!

Yours Dishonestly,

Bustlin Brian

[black bart]

Dear Big Ron

I got all excited when I heared about yer new boil in the bag dinners. A good elpin for supper I was told, but a bit hairy. I turned up at yer shop an ye didn't have any bulls hangin up but the boil in the bag dinners were on sale anyway. When I served em out to me crew they all complained about the bags bein too small...weren't anything to do with the shipwreck last Friday were it?

[DaveL]

Dear Bart,

I've developed an excitin new Big Ron's 'mini'-boil-in-the-bag range for those with smaller sized tummies. Those regular sized B-I-B's are quite mouthful Oi hear. No Bull!

[The Black Spot]

Dear Ron,

I were down the Admiral Benbow when I hears the cook talkin' about yer shop. 'Ee reckoned ye had some special sausages that perfectly complimented yer boil in the bag dinners. 'As ye any left, as I hears ye sells 'em on a strict "1 bag 1 sausage" basis?

[DaveL]

Dear Spot,

Yes the two for one offer is fairly standard. Although I haven't quite perfected on female cattle just yet. I'll be contacting Bart's genetic laboratory for a special breedin experiment.

Cheers,

Big 'excuse me' Ron