Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

[walktheplank]

A Pirate's Life by Black Bart, Someone wants a copy!!

We have an enquiry by a reader who wants a copy of Black Bart's book 'A Pirate's Life'. We were shocked that there is someone out there who wants to read this shite especiallly when it is none other than the legendary Pirate Cap'n Dave L.

Dave L looking pretty in a Pink dress borrowed from Pirgella explained, "me cat is stuck in a tree and me daughter can't reach it ter rescue it so I said she needs to stand on something big and useless to get it down" When asked if he had read the book himself, he snorted and said "that blaggard, e borrowed me daughter's rowing boat and went out on small lake yonder, e came back three weeks later with the boat nowhere ter be seen claiming e was attacked by Sharks"

[black bart]

Letters to the Editor

Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian turns into Insults thread Shock

Many of our readers, well Mrs Lumpy Goldwinkle from Maggot Lane, have written in to complain that the once newsworthy and erudite Guaaaarrrrrdian has turned into a slanging match between two fowl Pirates.

Mrs Goldwinkle wrote:

Dear Sir

I am writing to complain about the on-going battle of words between Black Bart and Walktheplank. One of them continually goes on and on about the others wigs, whilst the other fowl mouthed guttersnipe has nothing nice to say at all. In my opinion they both need a damn good thrashing...and I would like to come and watch.

Mr Charlie Stump wrote:

Dear Sir

I was in the Admiral Benbow on Quiz night. I saw these two Pirates tryin to answer questions. One of em thought Swansea was the capital of Guatemala and the other insisted that Jean Simmons was Mrs Haversham in David Lean's film of Great Expectations. Luckily another Pirate had the good sense to shut them up with his pistol butt.

Mr Tom Dillon Landlord of the Admiral Benbow wrote:

Dear Sir

That Black Bart never pays his entry to the quiz and if that weren't bad enough the other feller's wigs are so fowl I has to have the Inn fumigated when we chucks im out!

[black bart]

Captain Cronan's latest crew get set for voyage



We asked one of the sailors why none of the new crew were prepared to stand on the same deck as Captain Cronan!

"Aaarrrgh...To be sure...I'll be standin on the top spar fer the whole voyage." said Seaman O'Flagherty, "When the ship goes down I'll ave an extra half an hour to pray ta me god!"

[The Black Spot]

NEW RECORD SET



After successfully putting down a mutiny, The Black Spot claimed a new record for the most shipboard hangings carried out at once.

He was so pleased by the number of corpses hanging in the rigging that he got in an open boat and rowed a short distance from his ship to take a picture of the event (above).

Unfortunately for him, the surviving crew members set sail into the distance.

Asked for a comment, Mr Spot screamed "They'll all be hangin' from the nearest yard arm!"

[tanguerra]

Upsurge of pirate activity in the Antipodes

This just in from the international wire service: http://www.seashepherd.org/news/media_051228_1.html

"The Southern Oceans, specifically in the area formally known as the Australian Antarctic Territory, now rivals the 17th Century Caribbean for the reported acts of piracy during the last two weeks.

"The Japanese whalers are accusing Sea Shepherd and Greenpeace crewmembers of being pirates. Sea Shepherd and Greenpeace are accusing the whalers of being pirates. Australian and New Zealand politicians are throwing the word piracy about as freely as the Governor of Jamaica once did a few hundred years ago..."

Local Portsmouth identities this morning were speculating on the possible connection between the recent absence from our shores of the notorious pirate vessel, The Purple Primrose, and the recently reported upsurge of piratical activity in the southern oceans. One Captain Tanguerra, reputedly the commander of the alleged vessel, was asked to comment on this speculation yesterday evening when accosted outside a local establishment known as the "Scurvy Dog". Unfortunately, the journalist in question is still in a serious but stable condition in the Portsmouth General Hospital, but is expected to be back at work next Tuesday, if the operation is a success. More news on these developments as they come to hand.

[black bart]

Pirate Activity in Antipodian Waters linked to Advert in Aaaarghus!



Green Captain Smith confirmed that the Japanese whaling fleet was indeed amongst his targets.

Hoorah for Green captain Smith!

[DaveL]

Did he save Brenda from the boats?

[black bart]

Excitement Mounts as Portsmouth braces itself for the Pirate Equivalent of the Oscars...The Jim Lad Awards:



Who will be invited?

Who will win a coveted Jim Lad?

What are the categories?

These and many more questions will be answered in due course.

[tanguerra]

Who shall provide Tanguerra's gown? Will Sanchez be working his fingers to the bone day and night and going blind from doing all that beading by candelight or will Gaultier and Valentino duke it out (fans at dawn) for the honour of dressing the dashing Captain?

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

*** from the society section of thee Guardian ***


The Guardian wishes a hARRRRRRty congratulations to Portsmouths latest Lords of the hARRRRRbor tanguerra and anthrobabe . ARGH!

[PantyGnawer]

PG sneaks in and steals all your rum

[black bart]

An extract from Janet 'Back Alley' Portside's interview with mayoral candidate Borat Johnson:

Janet: Well Borat, what do you think of the Biography that's just come out entitled 'Shhhhhhh, don't tell my wife.'

Borat: I don't think the voting public give a monkey about that sort of thing. All the voting public are concerned about is that whoever wins the election for Mayor will put all their energies into the job.

Janet: Yes but it looks like you'll be putting 'ALL' your energy into bonking someone at Madame Fifi's.

Borat: The man on the street doesn't give a monkey about that sort of thing.

Janet: Mayor Liversausage has been kidnapped and held to ransom several times, are you concerned for your personal safety if elected?

Borat: I intend to employ 'The Dark Avenger' as my personal body guard...I will be tough on Pirates and tough on the causes of Piracy.

Janet: You've never actually been to Portsmouth have you?

Borat: Where?

[walktheplank]

Dave L to be a Cheerleader at Cup Final

After frantic negotiations, Dave L has agreed to put on his frilly dress and get out his pom poms to become the lead cheerleader before the FA Cup Final between Portsmouth and Cardiff in May.

However despite paying him a big wad of gold, the organisors were unable to persuade Dave L to shave his beard, have a wash or remove the one legged parrot from his shouldor.

[black bart]

Get on the Insult thread yer blaggard so I can have at ye!

[black bart]

Royal Navy Told not to Detain Pirates Shock

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article3736239.ece

Ha harr...break out the rum lads...it be toim ta celebrate!