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Postby The Black Spot on Wed Nov 21, 2007 8:44 pm

MAYOR ANNOUNCES PLAN TO CUT UNWANTED PREGNANCIES

Mayor Keith Liversausage last night pledged to tackle the growing number of single mothers in Portsmouth.

"This situation cannot be allowed to continue," the Mayor said. "The number of unwanted children is putting a severe strain on Portsmouth's Social Services. Something must be done."

The mayor then announced his first initiative in this area by closing the alleyway behind the Admiral Benbow.
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Postby Auntie Blackbeard on Sat Dec 08, 2007 8:53 am

Grand Admiral Forced to Retire !

Our Auntie Blackbeard hath cast thee thoroughly bonkers ChowMein upon a undisclosed island . Thee whereabouts to be kept secret lest some unfortunate pyrate accepts thee invitation for lunch .

Thee victims families are still owtraged .
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Sydney

Postby black bart on Mon Dec 10, 2007 7:57 pm

Walktheplank arrives in Sydney harbour

Early reports just in show that Walktheplank's ship has successfully docked in Sydney harbour. With hoops of glee the watching crowds threw their wigs in the air as a token of welcome. We will keep you fully up to date with Planky's progress on the land down-under.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby walktheplank on Tue Dec 11, 2007 5:57 pm

Pirates meet up and its all very civilised

A meeting of Pirates from the other side of the world took place today in Sydney and surprisingly it didn't end up in a bloodbath.

In fact the pirates in question spent the time drinking beer, which they paid for much to the surprise of the local bar staff. Dave L turned up wearing a little pink number he brought especially for the occasion whilst Walk the Plank looked resplendent in his new wig.

As Dave L was leaving to go back home he was heard to say "What a relief, I thought it was the Welsh blaggard coming over"
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Postby The Black Spot on Tue Dec 11, 2007 8:05 pm

FOREIGN NEWS DESK

POLICE BAFFLED BY THEFTS

By Our Australian Correspondant

Police in Sydney were baffled by a series of crimes which swept across the city last night.
In two seemingly unrelated incidents, a hairpiece factory was plundered and a collection of tutus was stolen from Sydney Opera House.

Police are seeking two drunks; one in a Roger Moore wig and the other in a nice little sequinned number.
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Postby DaveL on Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:52 am

YArrrr...

We went for a beer in The Rocks at the Arrrrrr-gyle in Arrrrr-gyle St. It was a fine time had by all. Two years of catching up to do!

It was nice to finally meet one of you blaggards in the flesh.

Thanks for the Chrissie card and DVD! It was hilarious.
Manatee Singles

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Smell

Postby black bart on Wed Dec 12, 2007 8:46 pm

Arrrgh...glad ye enjoyed the 'Night of Terror' DVD...lucky fer ye it wasn't filmed in Smellorammavision! Arseburn O'Leary is just visible in the gloom...tis the constant gas and mist surroundin him an Cronan wot makes the film so atmospheric.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby Detective TurtleHolmes on Sat Dec 22, 2007 1:00 pm

Pirates Invade Ankh-Morpork, Few Notice
From our international correspondent, Mitch

The fantasy city of Ankh-Morpork on the Discworld, was invaded by ruthless pirates earlier this morning. It started off being a ruthless battle, but "wasn't nothin' outta the usual" said a Guild Of Assassins acolyte.


Lord Vetinari, Lord of Ankh-Morpork, said that the invasion was "quite interesting."

Apparently, the pirates got as far as the Guild of Seamstresses, where they found that they no longer had their weapons, clothes, or eyepatches.

The invasion was lead by none other than the much-feared Black Bart, who was found afterwards, sitting dejectedly in a tavern, drinking a bottle of rum. He commented on the situation. "YaaAArrgH, before we knew it, some bloke named Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler 'ad bought arrl our weapons, and our clothes and eyepatches warr gone not long after."
Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler is infamously renowned for his salesmanship, and also his deadly 'sausage inna bun'.

They approached the city from the river Ankh, which surprised many, because it is known to be so filthy that it almost doesn't flow. As for the bridges joining Ankh and Morpork, they were destroyed by the cannons.

By mid-afternoon, the pirate invasion was quelled, and the pirates themselves, which include the notorious Cap'n Turtlehead, DaveL, and Rowan Redbeard, have disappeared, presumed embarrassed.
A flap of the wings yesterday means big changes tomorrow.
Let's work together to keep the present inevitable.

So yeah, I went and got a blog.
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Postby E.Raser two on Sat Dec 22, 2007 7:40 pm

Cap'n Turtlehead wrote:

They approached the city from the river Ankh, which surprised many, because it is known to be so filthy that it almost doesn't flow. As for the bridges joining Ankh and Morpork, they were destroyed by the cannons.



WAKAN TANKA ( the theory of the whole ) :fsm_yarr: :fsm_yarr:
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Postby anthrobabe on Sat Dec 22, 2007 11:31 pm

E.Raser two wrote:
Cap'n Turtlehead wrote:

They approached the city from the river Ankh, which surprised many, because it is known to be so filthy that it almost doesn't flow. As for the bridges joining Ankh and Morpork, they were destroyed by the cannons.



WAKAN TANKA ( the theory of the whole ) :fsm_yarr: :fsm_yarr:



also mispronouced as Walking Talkin--- the GREAT spirit

Update:
or something
Your intrepid reporter is being held hostage by pirates-- send what ever they want to get me out- they are singing whaling songs to me...
My mantra
Just save the farkin Gorillas will you! They don't have spell check- but they do need YOU/US...
www.gorillafund.org

I Ned Speil Cheek!!!!!!!!

I'm *not* the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? I tell them something and they jump straight to it. "Yes, Mr. Lister Sir, eek,eek."
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Murder

Postby black bart on Thu Jan 03, 2008 7:13 pm

Walktheplank rumoured murdered by natives in Hawaii

If the rumours are to be believed the intrepid Cap'n Walktheplank has been butchered by an angry mob of natives on an island in the pacific. Apparently Planky had been visiting a remote pacific island to gather supplies when he spotted an elaborate native headdress:

Image

Mistaking the head gear for a fine wig, Waltheplank made of with it. It turned out it was none other than the ceremonial head gear of Chief Wantalotawhitemanmeat and in the ensuing brawl Planky is rumoured to have come off worse and ended up as the main course in the chief's dinner!

This a sad day indeed if these rumours are proved to be true. Still, I'm looking forward to a fine sale of wigs which will shortly be appearing on Aargh-Bay.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Rowing

Postby black bart on Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:07 pm

The Black Spot Spotted in Portsmouth Health and Fitness Centre on a Rowing machine!

Our intrepid reporter Al Fetuccini snapped a sweaty Cap'n Black Spot doing a work out on a rowing machine...unfortunately for Al, his camera was snatched off him and ground into a pulp before the film could be extracted. There was a brief struggle and poor Al ended up on the Rowing machine himself where he's been stuck for the last four days:
Image
If anyone knows how to pick locks can they please help Al who has been rowing at full speed on the 'Open Boat Survival Setting' for over 90 hours!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Welcome

Postby black bart on Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:24 pm

Walktheplank Welcomed Back

Arrrr...a big cheerful crowd was gathered at Portsmouth Harbour to cheer Walktheplank home t'other day. His ship looked battered but fairly unchanged from the rotting hulk that set out to circumsize the world almost two months ago. As I gazed upon the heart lifting scene the crowd spontaneously broke into song, the words of which were something like:

He's bald, he's bent
His arse is up for rent
Walktheplanky
Walktheplanky...

The clamour rose to a crescendo as Plank himself appeared on the gang plank, clutching his wig against the wind. "Speach" shouted a wag from the dirty rabble assembled on the harbour front. "Show us yer didgeridoo" shouted another...Walktheplank cleared his throat and prepared to address the crowd:

"It is a Long and Far Fetched Tale I have to tell you," Plank began..."We encountered heavy seas just south of the Bay of Biscay..."

As if by magic the crowd disapeared into the shabby back streets...
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby walktheplank on Thu Jan 10, 2008 8:52 pm

Book Review 'A Pirate's Life by Black Bart

Rarely have I looked forward to a book with so much anticipation only to be so bitterly disappointed. To describe the contents of this book adequately is difficult to put into a few words but try I must and to put it simply it is total shite.

Where are the stories of daring do and danger on the seven seas, of ships raided, of booty salvaged of wenches pillaged and grog drunk. No there are none of these things in this appalling book. You do get a recipe for Fish Head Stew but for heaven sakes, if any Pirate worth his salt doesn't know how to squash a fish head and cook it in sick then he is in the wrong profession.

However, the biggest criticism by far are the constant references to wigs, why is Black Bart so fixated by wigs and in particular why does he keep referring to that fine globe trotting Pirate Walk the Plank who has least sailed further than to the end of the Solent.

No this book won't be on my bookshelf this winter and unless you are having trouble sleeping I suggest you don't buy this rubbish either.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Book

Postby black bart on Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:14 pm

Portsmouth Guaaaaaaardian Small Ads:

'A Pirate's Life' by Black Bart only 4 Cronans

FREE WIG with every copy sold
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