Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Debunkings of Mystery Scotsman Rumour Debunked As Hoaxes
Mayor Keith Liversausage reported today that the debunkings of the 'debunked' Mystery Scotsman rumour were debunked as hoaxes. He apologised to the greater community that Scotsmen may live in Portsmouth, but is ready to accept the possibility that they don't.

This revelation was discovered when Dr. Chrischun Spurlin was found dancing atop the giant statue of the town's founder, A Jam Jar, wearing a crown of his own faeces, clown pants and a rather inappropriate rubber thingy attached to the front of his pants. He was reportedly singing 'Ode to My Feet', a song of his own creation, at the time.

More Portsmouth residents have come to the Guardian with reports of seeing Scotsmen on the streets at night.

[black bart]

Mystery Scotsman is Aussie wiv Blue Paint (wode) on his chops says Loose Moll



In the worst bit of casting since John Wayne played Ghengis Khan:



The thinly disguised Blue Australian has attempted to overthrow the Local council by painting himself blue and chasing Mayor Liversausage with a set of bagpipes and a rusty claymore. Luckily for the mayor the effort of playing the pipes, shouting in a pseudo Scottish accent and running in a kilt proved too much for the Aussie who collapsed back into the Admiral Benbow for refreshment.

Meanwhile John Wayne has reverted back to his real name 'Marion' and taken over the chairwomanship of the Portsmouth womens' institute.

[pieces o'nine]

Mystery Scotsman is Aussie wiv Blue Paint (wode) on his chops says Loose Moll

Azul, a Pale Argent.
Not worth registering with the College.

[ChowMein]

HEALTH WARNINGE !

Residents are advised to avoid zombies that hath recently bin bothering Portsmouth .

Hizzoner , thee mayor declared , " It appeareth that thee ghastly foul creatures feede uponst brains ."

" Thank FSM , we are safe ! " , voiced thee assembledge .

" DOETH NOTTE BE SOETH HASTY !" , shouteth Hizzoner , thee mayor .
" A pirate offe imposing countenance , Nef Yoo Blacke Bearde , is waddling through out towne , unleashed , diaper dirty , selling watermelon juice for tuppence !

Pay no more than a farthing !"

Any persons that hath imbibed watermelon juice , please Dr. Sawbonz for thee antidote .

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

~~~~~~~~~~~~Notice : Correkshun~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In yesterday's advertisement Tickets For NefYoo Concert Available At Benbow , was printed within , an error .
Please note , seats on thee half deck are priced ; two (2) bigge buttons ande a shiny rock , NOT two shiny rocks ande one bigge button .

Thee Guaaaaaaarrrrrrrrdian regreteth thee error .

[Nef Yoo BlackBeard]

heer ye
heer ye !

WADERMILIN BLUD !

WUN SIP FER TUPPINCE !

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

~~~~~~~~~~~~Notice : Correkshun~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thee hammock fer sale by Black Bart be not in "good condishin"

Hit be in sloightly soiled condishin, an' ravver stinky at that.

Thee Guaaaaaaarrrrrrrrdian regreteth thee error .

[black bart]

Arrr I fancee a noice liddle nap...

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....thud!!!

Who nicked me hammock?

[black bart]

Britsh Ship wreck discovered off Balaclava...was Cronan aboard?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8571967.stm

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Was that a precursor to the titanic?

[Roland Deschain]

Local politician found in compromising situation at dockside!

Yesterday morning at 07:00, a local politician was found in a compromising situation with a parrot and a local woman named Bertha, notorious in the dockyard area. Due to a press gag order, we cannot reveal the name of the politician, so we shall refer to him as BB for his anonymity, in keeping with the order. BB was found down at the docks by a sailor visiting Bertha for her special wares. "He was hanging from the ceiling covered in syrup with nuts stuck to it. Bertha was standing there with a cat o' nine tails, but there was something else. It was then that I saw the parrot flying around, every so often diving to grab the nuts. I was in shock, at the time, to think that the poor man was stuck and being attacked by a vicious looking parrot."

The sailor, who wishes to remain anonymous, ran from the dockside establishment and screamed for help, thinking that BB was caught and Bertha was trying to get him down. 30 people then ran in, consisting of 5 officers of the law, 10 sailors (one an admiral), 4 politicians who said they were taking a nice brisk walk down at the docks, 10 members of the public and Bertha's business partner Miss December.

When our reporter spoke to BB, the politician, he said that there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for the situation, and that he would explain later once he had spoken to his solicitor, his publicist and his ghost writer.

[black bart]

Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian small adds:

Special Offer at Madame Fifi's for Saturday Night only:

45 Cronans for the Deluxe Syrup Ceiling treatment with Francine the Flagellator.

Hurry while stocks of syrup and parrots last.

[Calico Jack]

Lady Parrots???????????

Ack!

[Roland Deschain]

Local Parrot population soars. Mysterious cabin boy sought for questioning.

As a lot of you will know, this town has been plagued with parrots in the last few months. The parrots have devestated the local flora and fauna by eating seeds and nuts that are used to propagate next year's plants and to feed the local wildlife. A local WWF spokesperson said to us "This is a sad day for Portsmouth". On top of this, they infest the town centre, where the mess they leave behind is costing the council tens of thousands a month to clean up. Estimates put the current parrot population at somewhere in excess of 1 million birds, most of which are blue and yelow Macaws.

Although this has baffled the local authorities for a while, the police have a new lead. A young cabin boy and a rather talkative parrot who appeared in the town shortly before the explosion in parrots are being sought for questioning. The cabin boy is always seen wearing a large hat and is always accompanied by the aforementioned parrot, who also wears a hat. Anyone with information leading to their whereabouts will be in for receiving a large reward.

In other news, the recent chicken shortage has all but been solved by the inexplicable rise in the parrot population.

[black bart]

Dave L has one Captain's delight too many:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/10611973