Whinging Pensioner Pirate Rant

Arrr, I be a pirate!

Moderator: All Things Mods

Postby DaveL on Fri Aug 24, 2007 2:05 am

YArrrr...

In my day, a Pira-lympian had a wooden pegleg for competin'. These days it's all this carbon fibre crapola that be givin' 'em the edge.
Manatee Singles

www.hotdugong.com
User avatar
DaveL
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4904
Joined: Fri Aug 26, 2005 8:57 pm
Location: Van Diemens Land

Postby walktheplank on Tue Aug 28, 2007 8:13 am

yarr in my day if yer swabs didn't clean the decks proper, yer through em to the Sharks.

Nowadays yer have to call em in fer an interview an ask if they have any domestic problems an give em 3 months off for stress cos their wench in Blighty is shafting the local vicar. When e does come back to yer ship yer have to offer them some more on the job training or a career change, light duties though mind.

Also yer Sharks nowadays insist on a healthy environment so there'll be no throwing smelly swabs over the side polluting the water.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
User avatar
walktheplank
Lumache Lieutenant
 
Posts: 585
Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:34 am

Tribbles

Postby black bart on Sun Sep 02, 2007 4:13 pm

Arrrrr...in my day wigs used ta stay stuck on yer head even if a Force Ten blew up off the Cape...

These new synthetic hair wigs are fallin off all over the shop...Portsmouth looks loik it's been attacked by the Tribbles!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby walktheplank on Mon Sep 03, 2007 7:59 am

yarr in my day, Pirates were foine English fellows from the big ports of Bristol and Portsmouth. Nowadays we as scum coming across the Bristol Channel from Wales, barbarians they are all of em. Most of em think Bath is a City in England and not a device to as a wash in, smelly blaggards the lot of em.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
User avatar
walktheplank
Lumache Lieutenant
 
Posts: 585
Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:34 am

Church

Postby black bart on Fri Sep 07, 2007 4:12 pm

ARRRR...In my day ye knew where ye wuz wiv the men o the church. If ye admitted ta bein a wanton pirate, the priest would give ye a darn good thrashin and make ye give up rum fer Lent. Nowadays these churchmen are too soft by arf..."tell me about your cabin boy problems again" they say and "it be alright to kill Spaniards as long as it aint Whitsun".
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby tanguerra on Sun Sep 09, 2007 9:14 pm

Yaaaar and the quality of plunder be not what it once was.

Why, only last week we plundered a super-freighter down by the Cape, and twere loaded to the gunwhales with a whole lot of toxic plastic children's dollies, poor quality footwear and t-shirts without even a lewd remark on 'em to raise a smile.

Twere all made in the Forbidden Kingdom by them little Manchu fellahs (a rum lot them, don't never lend 'em no money - I'll say no more).

We had to turf most of it overboard. Where be the pride in honest workmanship? Where be the gold and silver? Where be the booty what will last at least long enough in one piece until ye can get it unloaded on Aaaarargh-Bay?
Aaarrrrgggh!

Reed me booke. It's got pirates innit http:\\how-to-find-love.com
User avatar
tanguerra
Humble Hermit
 
Posts: 1689
Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:43 pm
Location: Port 'o Spain

Chinese

Postby black bart on Mon Sep 10, 2007 4:21 am

Arrrr...funny ye should mention the Chinese...I has a noice little item on Aaarrrgh Bay at this very moment.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby DaveL on Mon Sep 10, 2007 6:28 am

YArrrr....

I didn't know Zankou was Chinese. Oooops sorry, that was the previous item. :wink:
Manatee Singles

www.hotdugong.com
User avatar
DaveL
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4904
Joined: Fri Aug 26, 2005 8:57 pm
Location: Van Diemens Land

Postby walktheplank on Mon Sep 10, 2007 9:55 am

yarr I as a whole ship of thieving blaggards on me ship that Is want to be rid of. So I loine em up ter walk the plank, except I as a nail sticking out of it and the Health and Safety Committee says I is not allowed ter use me plank in case the poor dears cut their feet before they meet their maker.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
User avatar
walktheplank
Lumache Lieutenant
 
Posts: 585
Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:34 am

Risk

Postby black bart on Mon Sep 10, 2007 3:52 pm

tanguerra wrote:Yaaaar and the quality of plunder be not what it once was.

Why, only last week we plundered a super-freighter down by the Cape, and twere loaded to the gunwhales with a whole lot of toxic plastic children's dollies, poor quality footwear and t-shirts without even a lewd remark on 'em to raise a smile.

Twere all made in the Forbidden Kingdom by them little Manchu fellahs (a rum lot them, don't never lend 'em no money - I'll say no more).

We had to turf most of it overboard. Where be the pride in honest workmanship? Where be the gold and silver? Where be the booty what will last at least long enough in one piece until ye can get it unloaded on Aaaarargh-Bay?


Arrrrr ye be havin a point thar matey...ye can't get the Treasure these days. Cap'n Cronan's hoard of 5 million grog vouchers be the only booty worth riskin me crew and ship for.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby The Black Spot on Wed Sep 12, 2007 5:25 am

Victims don't do proper screams nowadays. Back in my day, when ye were torturin' someone to find the location o' their valuables, they'd yell out with proper AIIIIIIIEEEEEEs and EEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHGGGRRs (an' the ever popular NNNNNNNNNAAAAAEEEEE!)

Nowadays they break down whimperin' if ye even show 'em a pair o' thumbscrews.
User avatar
The Black Spot
Stripmeister
 
Posts: 2277
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 7:55 pm
Location: England

thumbs

Postby black bart on Wed Sep 12, 2007 5:29 am

Arrrrrr...at least they knows ye be goin ta leave their thumbs still attached!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby tanguerra on Wed Sep 12, 2007 7:17 pm

Aaargh! I blame the mothers who are bringin' up their kiddies all soft like and turnin' out a bunch o mamby-pamby lily-livered lubbers.

Back in my day it were the acceptable thing to box a kiddie's ears and send 'em to bed without any supper if they looked at yer sideways or gave ye any back-talk whatosever.

Nowadays it be all "talk about yer feelings" and "draw me a pitcher of what ye be afraid of" and all that sort of tommy-rot instead of "stop yer snivellin or I'll clout yer". Kiddies be being brung up soft and kind of squishy loike nowaday. Fair makes me gorge rise.

(Mind you makes em a great deal easier ter frighten and therefore relieve for their sweeties and such if yer ever find one out on its own).
Aaarrrrgggh!

Reed me booke. It's got pirates innit http:\\how-to-find-love.com
User avatar
tanguerra
Humble Hermit
 
Posts: 1689
Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:43 pm
Location: Port 'o Spain

Navy

Postby black bart on Tue Sep 18, 2007 7:53 am

Arrrrrrrr...as ye noticed the Royal Navy aint what they used ta be. Tweren't long ago them sailors were all gettin thrashed from Portsmouth to Tahiti...and back again. If one o those Jack Tarrs even looked sideways at the Cap'n, he'd be strung up without a hearing.

Nowadays they gets pampered loik babies...they even gets shoes and swimmin lessons!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby tanguerra on Tue Sep 18, 2007 6:52 pm

I think it's dreadful the state of grammar and spelling being taught in school these days.

Why, it is not uncommon to find spelling mistakes on the front page of The Times. I almost had an apoplexy only the other day at the number of misplaced apostrophes which now seem to be appearing in almost every publication.
Aaarrrrgggh!

Reed me booke. It's got pirates innit http:\\how-to-find-love.com
User avatar
tanguerra
Humble Hermit
 
Posts: 1689
Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:43 pm
Location: Port 'o Spain

PreviousNext

Return to Pirate Discussion

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests

cron