Whinging Pensioner Pirate Rant

Arrr, I be a pirate!

Moderator: All Things Mods

Re: Proper music

Postby The Black Spot on Fri Jul 06, 2007 11:25 am

DaveL wrote:Oi be wunderin if Black Spot will get sick of breedin viscious dogs and go solo wifsout me.


Arrrr... I be combinin' the two. Me first solo single will be a cover version o' a song made famous by Mr Elvis Pegsley:

You aint nothin but a guard dog
Bitin' all the time.
You aint nothin but a guard dog
Bitin' all the time.
Well, you aint never killed a frenchman
So you aint no dog of mine.

Las Vegas here I comes...
User avatar
The Black Spot
Stripmeister
 
Posts: 2277
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 7:55 pm
Location: England

Postby walktheplank on Tue Jul 31, 2007 6:51 am

yarr on me ship in the old days if a swab said e was gay, we all thought he is a jolly chap who is always telling jokes and is laughing an joking all of the toime.

Nowadays I as been told that two of me swabs are getting married in a civil partnership and I as to treat them the same as a married couple. I as to provide em with their own quarters so that they can consumate their relationship. Earlier t'day one of me other swabs caught em in the act as it were and threw a bucket of water over em, an now as his Cap'n I as been hauled in front of the Scurvy Disciplinary Board. What is the world coming to.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
User avatar
walktheplank
Lumache Lieutenant
 
Posts: 585
Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:34 am

Seat

Postby black bart on Tue Jul 31, 2007 9:26 am

AARRRRR I hopes Capn Cronan be back from his Spanish Holiday soon...it be far too crowded in the Admiral Benbow an I can't get a seat next to the fire to roast me chestnuts.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby The Black Spot on Wed Aug 01, 2007 11:36 am

When I were a lad we 'ad proper markers fer yer treasure. We 'ad skeletons in cages pointin' at things, and skull shaped mountains as landmarks, an fearsome curses written in blood over cave entrances.

Now it's just a map wi' an "X" on it. No imagination, young people.
User avatar
The Black Spot
Stripmeister
 
Posts: 2277
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 7:55 pm
Location: England

Postby Pachyderm on Wed Aug 01, 2007 5:56 pm

Oi got me a treasure map th' other day. None o' yer skulls, blood or nuthin'. Weren't even on human skin. Some bloody thing called WAP or summat. Little screen, couldn't see bugger all, and ikle fiddly buttons. So Oi deep-sixed it, and ripped the skin off the next merchant Captain Oi met.
------(\ /)------
-----(o.o)-----
-----(> <)-----
This is Bunny.
Bunny, as cute and cuddly as he may appear, is bent on world domination.
To achieve this he has decided to start by taking over teh intarweb, a step towards his ultimate goal.
To help him complete his quest and therefore ensure bunny domination, copy and paste him into your sig
Pachyderm
Fusilli Fuselier
 
Posts: 180
Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2006 7:16 am
Location: The Doldrums

Treasure

Postby black bart on Thu Aug 02, 2007 6:11 am

AARRRRRRRR I picked up this little map from a Spaniard wot I'd run through t'other day. Arter studyin it carefully loik I decided to stay in the Admiral Benbow a roastin me chestnuts. The whole place looked too much loik Canvey Island fer my loikin an I aint never goin back there!

Image
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby walktheplank on Thu Aug 02, 2007 10:08 am

The problem these days with treasure is yer hiding place. In the old days yer found an unexplored Island spend three days hacking yer way through unpenetrable jungle and then bury it. Even if yer drew a map afterwards you couldn't remember where it was yerselves so what chance did any other blaggard have to foind it.

Nowadays yer average Pirate goes on to google earth and gets a bloody satelite fix on it, and then uses his satelite navigational tracking device to foind his way there. No yer treasure map is a thing of the past.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
User avatar
walktheplank
Lumache Lieutenant
 
Posts: 585
Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:34 am

Grave

Postby black bart on Sun Aug 05, 2007 2:34 pm

ARRRR...ye be notin that the treasure aint marked on me map above. My guess would be either 'The Black Cave' or one o the Pirate graves wot is marked by the fictitious name of a Pirate wot never existed.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby Pachyderm on Sun Aug 05, 2007 6:21 pm

Rotten sod! now Oi'll 'ave ter go an' dig the bloody stuff up agin, an' stash it somewhere else!!!

An' Oi fought Oi was on ter a winner wiv 'at one...
------(\ /)------
-----(o.o)-----
-----(> <)-----
This is Bunny.
Bunny, as cute and cuddly as he may appear, is bent on world domination.
To achieve this he has decided to start by taking over teh intarweb, a step towards his ultimate goal.
To help him complete his quest and therefore ensure bunny domination, copy and paste him into your sig
Pachyderm
Fusilli Fuselier
 
Posts: 180
Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2006 7:16 am
Location: The Doldrums

Ugly

Postby black bart on Mon Aug 06, 2007 4:57 am

Quick lads head for the grave marked 'The Elephant Man' with the inscription 'He died as he lived...an ugly *******'.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby The Black Spot on Mon Aug 06, 2007 8:35 am

When I were a lad, there were some proper ugly bastids about. People like the Elephant Man an' Black Bart. Far too many pretty boys nowadays.
User avatar
The Black Spot
Stripmeister
 
Posts: 2277
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 7:55 pm
Location: England

bags

Postby black bart on Mon Aug 06, 2007 9:21 am

BBBAARRRR...In my day ye could get a real good quality hessian bag to cover yer ugly mug at a Pirate Party. Many's the wench what got rolled over in the hay without even guessin what lay underneath the good thick bag I'll tell ye. Nowadays them plastic bags be so thin the wenches can clearly make out yer warts, boils and scabs and they lock emselves in their rooms afore ye can get near em!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby walktheplank on Sun Aug 19, 2007 4:08 pm

yarr in my day we'll foind a merchant ship an storm over their bow slay all their swabs and capture all their booty, all done in under an hour. Nowadays our fitness guru insists we have a proper warm up with loads of stretching and a healthy meal with plenty of carbohydrates. By the time we are ready to go, the blaggards have sailed away.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
User avatar
walktheplank
Lumache Lieutenant
 
Posts: 585
Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:34 am

Postby tanguerra on Thu Aug 23, 2007 10:44 pm

Yaaar. I knows wot ye means. Ask a swab to shinny up the mast and adjust the mainsail and it's all safety harnesses and consent forms and inspecktors and the loike. Back in the day twere easy to find a swab who'd be up like a monkey in a flash. Not no more.

Can't get nuffink done no more without signing forms, which be difficult as nobody on board can read a word in any case. They don't take too kindly to signin' things in blood no more neither, says its not hygenic or some tommy-rot of that nature. Wots the world coming to I ask yez?
Aaarrrrgggh!

Reed me booke. It's got pirates innit http:\\how-to-find-love.com
User avatar
tanguerra
Humble Hermit
 
Posts: 1689
Joined: Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:43 pm
Location: Port 'o Spain

Postby Etay on Fri Aug 24, 2007 12:17 am

Aye. Ye must use more leather and silk. But mind yer frills. None o' that will be accepted 'ere.
An' yer hat must be triangul'r. None o' that full-faced frilly stuff.
If yer gonna dress in appropriate Pirate garb, ye must make sure it be appropriate! Ye must be addled if ye wears full frills in a common port! Fellows'll think yer mad!
Blasphemy!
I end me rant 'ere.

Fair winds to all o' ye.
O rly?
Yarrly!
User avatar
Etay
Gnocchetti Galley Slave
 
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2007 7:46 am
Location: Out at Sea.

PreviousNext

Return to Pirate Discussion

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: pastor_parmesan and 1 guest

cron