One of the things that attracted me to FSMism is the fact (and by fact, I mean lie) that I am the descendant of a real pirate. He is considered by most historians to have been the least successful pirate of any era. Know as Billy The Stupid, William Williams was the kind of pirate most pirates wouldnâ€™t call a pirate. He began his career by building a genuine pirate sloop in his backyard so he would have a ship. Unfortunately, at the time, he was residing in Reno, Nevada. His desperate attempt to tow the sloop over the Rockies ended when he headed south. The sloop was confiscated by the Mexican Federales. Next, Billy worked his way east as a human cannonball in a circus owned by a dwarf with a mean streak. Instead of firing Billy into the safety net, the dwarf would get drunk and try to aim at large buildings or rocky outcroppings. Finally escaping from this servitude, Billy found himself alone in Boston, Mass. Stealing a canoe from a Boy Scout troop, he attempted to board the battleship New Jersey. They are still unaware the attempt was made. Waking up after being washed ashore, Billy decided that if he wanted to get his hands on some booty, he would need a larger ship, and possibly a crew. To this end he placed an advertisement on the bulletin board at a local recreation center. Within a week he had access to a thirty five foot sail boat, and a crew consisting of a twelve year old boy with seven convictions for arson, a transient who sobbed constantly and called himself â€œJohn Q Geniusâ€, and , of course, a pirate wench named Mildred, who just happened to be the oldest living War of 1812 widow. Setting sail for â€œplundering and pillagingâ€ on the Spanish Main, and after accidentally setting course for Bangor, Maine, Billy ran the sailboat aground on a beach in Nova Scotia, and was fined $250 dollars for â€œpublic drunkennessâ€. After this, Billy settled down to a life of begging dogs for food. He disappeared shortly afterwards, and we all like to think heâ€™s joined that big boarding party in the sky, and didnâ€™t walk the fiery plank. If you would like to know more about this wonderful pirate, I can make up some other stuff. For a fee.