Piratica v Ajax UEFA Champions League 3rd Qualifying Round 1st Leg â€“ 2nd Half
Auntie Dee Dee goes to each player in turn urging them to keep up the intensity in the 2nd half as the tie is not all over yet. However The Black Spot is not impressed â€œGo away will yer, me and the lads will have some fun in the 2nd half, now leave us beâ€. Auntie Dee Dee was shocked no one had ever talked to her like this before and promptly resigned despite Dave Lâ€™s frantic pleas for her to change her mind. Seeing that there were no other volunteers Big Ron applied for the job, was immediately appointed and then began to look for commercial opportunities to promote his butchery business.
As the players returned to the pitch there was a message from the public address system â€œA few words from our new sponsors Big Ron the Butcher, if you like yer sausages big and plump, eat Ronâ€™s bangers youâ€™ll need a â€¦.â€ However the rest of the message was lost as the crowd loudly cheered local favourite Big Ron as he proudly led his team out on to the pitch.
46.22: With the 2nd half less than two minutes old and Piratica 4 â€“ 0 up, Black Spot was seen in the crowd giving a familiar face a severe flogging. It was Sol Campbell newly signed for local club Portsmouth. â€œLeave him be Spotâ€ said Walk the Plank â€œHe no longer plays for Arsenal, anyway he be crap nowâ€. The Black Spot grunted and made his way back to the pitch leaving a babbling Sol Campbell lying on the floor.
51.36: There were cheers from the crowd as the big screen focused on celebrities in the crowd, no doubt scouting for players for the new football season. Arsene Wenger, Sir Alex Ferguson were seen in the crowd and who is that clearly drunk why yes it is none other than Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD taking a break from the trial of Capâ€™n Cronan
56.04 GOAL 4-1 Suddenly against the run of play Ajax pull a goal back as Van Go Go Gogh raced through the Piratica defence and slotted the ball home. Shouts of Vincent echo around the stadium from the Ajax end where the pungent smell of a strange tobacco fills the air.
65.55 Suddenly there were cheers from both sets of fans as a female streaker ran on to the pitch. However the cheers turn to groans as they discovered it was Big Brenda wobbling round the pitch. Unfortunately for Dave L she jumps on him and smothers him with kisses. It takes 8 stewards armed with a harpoon gun to sedate her and drag her off the hapless Dave L.
66:30 SUBSTITUTION Dave L is carried off the pitch with several broken Ribs and is replaced by Large Don. An interesting substitution bearing in mind Don is not wearing football kit but a dirty butcherâ€™s apron and is carrying a blood stained carving knife.
70.11 Large Don is immediately in the thick of the action as he literally carves his way through the Ajax team. Body Bags are sent on the pitch removing Ivor Gotoneear, Van Hire, Van Dyke and Figerinderdyke and Ajax are now down to only 7 fit players.
77.49 An announcement from the public address system then echoes around the ground â€œWill yer Ajax fans on boat leavin shore tâ€™night, it be going at midnight, so make sure yer all be on it yer blaggards and now there be another message from our sponsorsâ€¦â€¦ Ronâ€™s meat is luvly big and thick, says none other than Piraticaâ€™s Oz Nickâ€
86.23 GOAL 5-1 The tie is surely in the bag for Piratica as The Black Spot head butts Ajax keeper Gouda who drops the ball in the net. The referee looks at the menacing Black Spot and hurriedly allows the goal leaving Gouda to pick up teeth fragments from inside the goal.
90.00 The referee blows the final whistle and the 11 Piratica Players and 3 remaining Ajax players leave the field of play. Piratica have taken a giant step towards the group stages of the Champions League
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.