Piratica are admitted to the Champions League 2006-07

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Postby walktheplank on Thu Jul 27, 2006 5:19 am

I be a bit worried now after Brenda's splendid performance, will I get me place back in the team.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Postby walktheplank on Mon Jul 31, 2006 7:53 am

Piratica will be in with the big boys if they get past FC Copenhagen. Ajax of Amsterdam who won the title 3 times in a row in the 1970's await the winners in the 3rd Qualifying round.

This means that our boys will get the opportunity to try out some different types of pipe filler on the away trip.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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disguise

Postby black bart on Mon Jul 31, 2006 8:01 am

AAAARRRGH No...Not Amsterdam. I'll have to go in disguise!
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Postby DaveL on Mon Jul 31, 2006 8:08 am

YArrrr...

Oh no, not the Dutch again!! Did we sort out that little problem with Bart in the shop front window? :?
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Postby black bart on Mon Jul 31, 2006 10:08 am

I were just helping the Parrot with his addiction problems! Er...Um... and he needed somewher to perch for the night! :?
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Piratica v FC Copenhagen

Postby black bart on Thu Aug 03, 2006 11:56 am

Welcome to the AAARRRGH Stadium, Portsmouth for the Champions League qualifier Second Leg between Piratica and FC Copenhagen. Wonderful wonderful Copenhagen sang Danny Kay in the movies, but Copenhagen were a long way short of wonderful in the first leg where they failed to break down a stubborn Piratica Defence which was heavily bolstered by Big Brenda. So pour yerself a Tankard o grog, sit back and enjoy the match. FC Copenhagen are fielding a much changed 11 due to the deaths of most of their original line up.

Piratica

.............Dr Otis Lansa
..............Singidunum
..DaveL(c)....Swatopluk....Alpaca....Oz_Nick
.....Teripie....E Razer....Walktheplank
..........Black Bart....Black Spot

Piratica field an almost full strength side, although they are without Griffin who is serving a one match suspension for illegal use of a giant squid. E Razer is playing an unusual midfield role 4.3 meters behind the Black Spot with a trajectory of 7.8 and adopting the Nun of Dresden position.

FC Copenhagen

.................Krispybacon
..Carlesbergstrom....Anderson....Flanderson....Carlesbergstein
.................Smorgesbord
..Smokybacon....Specialbru....Carlesbergsoff....Blucheese(c)
..................Bergcarls

A changed Line up due to carnage!

Kick off: Piratica 0 (1) FC Copenhagen 0 (1)

5.11 GOAL 1-0 Black Bart receives the ball from Swatopluk on the halfway line, dribbles through the entire Copenhagen defence and lobs the keeper from 20 yards!

5.55 GOAL 1-1 The Piratica team are still standing in stunned silence after Black Bart’s goal, when Copenhagen move up the field unopposed and score a simple goal through Bergcarls. Piratica have lost the advantage of the away goal.

7.11 GOAL 2-1 Piratica regain the overall advantage with a fine goal from The Black Spot. Showing unusual skill and control the Black Spot slices his way through the Copenhagen defence (body parts are later surgically replaced) and barges Krispybacon and ball into the net. The Copenhagen protests are waved away by the referee who is trying to explain the Off-side rule to E Razer!

15.40 Dave L receives the ball in midfield but the action of the ball impacting his peg leg makes 40 cans of Carlesberg Special Brew tumble out of Dave’s coat!

16.00 Fight breaks out as the other Piratica players try to get the Special Brew from Dave L.

16.20 GOAL 2-2 Copenhagen take advantage of the melee to score an equalizer through Specialbru…which I think you will agree is ironic! Now Copenhagen are ahead on the away goal rule.

28.11 Sending Off: Piratica are down to 10 men – E Razer hits the referee with a dead swan whilst trying to explain his very own theory of relativity and is given his marching orders. Forza Piratica shout the home crowd with more than a hint of irony.

35.20 Sending Off: In a moment of sublime comedy Carlsbergstein slices off the referees left arm whilst trying to remove a cutlass from his back – the referee uses his remaining arm to show Carlsbergstein the red card…extremely RED card!

40.33: Black Bart receives a brilliant through pass from Teripie and is through on goal. He stops to take a swig of his Special Brew and is dispossessed by Krispybacon.

43.30: Desperate to take the game to Copenhagen, Piratica make a change of formation…they all draw their cutlasses and charge at the Copenhagen end. But before they can storm the Copenhagen goal the half time whistle goes.

45.00 HALF TIME: Piratica 2 (3) FC Copenhagen 2 (3) Piratica must put on a better display in the second half.
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Postby OZ_Nick on Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:04 pm

Aarrgghhh,

c'mon mateys wes gotta get a grip.

Oi think Oi'm goin' ter 'ave ter pull out me latest secret weapon, here ye be, each man can have wun o' theese 'ere Cronin masks. There be a secret button on the inside o' each mask that when touched by yer chin will make Cronin's evil eye wink at yer oposin' blaggard. Should be enuff ter terrorise 'em lone enuff ter do jess about anyfink.

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----

Ye may knowe mee better as Cap'n Bluenose
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Postby walktheplank on Thu Aug 03, 2006 7:05 pm

The 2nd half is delayed by a protest as 1000 angry pussycats all protesting about the unjust incarceration of Tiddles storm on to the pitch. However Dave L persuades them to leave the pitch after promising them milk and kippers for their supper.

49.11 SUBSTITUTION: Walk the Plank goes off injured complaining of a dodgy stomach having eaten 12 of Big Ron’s sausages the night before, Griffin comes on to replace him.

54.37 Specialbru is through on goal but collides with Dave L’s newly erected bottle bank and the danger is cleared.

57.29 Black Bart is flattened by Dave L after he tries to put an empty bottle of Fosters into Dave L bottle bank. “Did you not see the sign yer blaggard, only decent grog in ereâ€￾.

61.48 The Piratica fans conduct a Mexican Wave and the Danish fans break into a rendition of ‘Wonderful Wonderful Copenhagen’. Even the Black Spot is smiling, something strange is going on. The good vibes are short lived as a high tackle from Oz_Nick leaves a nasty gash on Smokybacon’s forehead.

67.37 Rumours that Cap’n Cronan is in town causes half the crowd to flee the stadium and look for the next boat to France.

72.44 A lengthy break in play allows the players to take on refreshments. Big Ron brings on some sausages and the players tuck in, all except Black Bart who places his down his shorts and is last seen heading for Madame Fifi’s.

73.02 SUBSTITUTION: Beagle comes on for Black Bart and immediately gets into an argument with Dave L having been refused money back for his empties.

79.24 Oz_Nick and The Black Spot are seen having a discussion in the centre circle trying to think of 10 famous Danes. After Hans Christian Andersen, Hamlet and the bloke that invented Carlsberg they give up and continue with the game.

83.44 Desperate times for Piratica now as they are only a few minutes away from going out. The crowd must be going mad as chants of ‘Black Bart is our Welsh King’ ring around the stadium.

87.56 GOAL 3-2 The crowd may want Black Bart but it is his replacement Beagle who heads what looks to be a crucial winner from Griffin’s cross.

89.23 As Smokybacon bears down on goal for a last ditch effort, Sir Francis Drake leaps out of the bottle bank and smashes him over the head with a broken bottle.

90.00 The game finishes and Piratica are through into the next round and a meeting with the mighty Ajax. Everyone is happy except Dave L who discovers an empty can of Budweiser in his bottle bank.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Postby DaveL on Fri Aug 04, 2006 9:01 am

YArrrr...

Oi's saw enuffs of that Budweiser at the World Cup. It barely makes yer liver suffer at all.
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Postby black bart on Fri Aug 04, 2006 9:27 am

YYYAAARRR...I thinks they just fills the cans up straight out of the river! Mind ye ave ye tried the proper Czec beer Budweiser Budvar (the original that were brewed by Czec Vampyre Monks since 1342 or something)...now that be a proper drop o grog! :fsm_yarr:
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Piratica v Ajax

Postby black bart on Wed Aug 09, 2006 12:50 pm

This is the home leg of Piratica’s two match encounter with the famous Ajax of Amsterdam. The Dutch stars will be a tough test bla, bla, bla…lets drop the pretence – it’s curtains for Ajax!

A few words from our sponsors ‘AAARRRGH 9000 Engineering’:
Welcome to the wonderful world of AAARRRGH sailing – with the wind in your rigging, and the wheel of an AAARRGH 9001 in your hands, life couldn’t be better.*

*We accept no responsibility for sinking and death due to the effects of Capn Cronan, Acts of War or poor plumbing.

Team Line ups

Piratica:

...............................Dr Otis Lansa

DaveL(c).......Swatopluk.............Qwertyuiopasd...........Miss Capellini


Walktheplank.........Meromorph........ Dead Poet...........Griffin


..........................Beagle.................Black Bart



subs: E.Raser, Alpaca, KC Observer, Tex, Teripie, Tickle, Duke, The Black Spot


Ajax

...............................Gouda

Edam(c).......Van der Valk.............Van Rental...........Van Nostril


Van Go Go Gogh.........Van Browncafe........ Ivor Gotoneear...........Van Hire


..........................Van Dyke.................Figerinderdyke



So it’s a warm welcome to Portsmouth for our visitors and without further ado:

Kick off: Piratica 0 Ajax 0

02.13 Black Bart notices huge blow up pictures of himself in a compromising position with a parrot in an Amsterdam window waving about in the Ajax supporters stand.

06.12 Black Spot observed prodding referee (who is French) with cutlass and shouting “when I come on ye’ll get a taste o me steel ye garlic eatin blaggardâ€￾

06.15 GOAL 1-0: Superb 40 yard shot by Griffin aided by the use of a 42 pounder, sails into the Ajax net.
.
06.16 Black Bart seen amongst Amsterdam supporters hacking at the blow up photos with his cutlass!

09.30 GOAL 2-0 Massive kick upfield by Dr Otis Lansa catches breeze off the sea and hits the Ajax crossbar. The ball drops down in front of Black Bart who has built a bon fire out of the blow up photos in front of the Ajax goal! Gouda rushes out to catch the ball, trips and falls in the fire…melted cheese! Bart taps the ball into the empty net.

09.32 SENDING OFF Black Bart is sent off for setting fire to the Ajax goal posts. There’s an audible moan from the French referee as The Black Spot comes on as sub.

14.12 The Ajax defence are suffering from smoke inhalation…Black Bart had collected up more than posters from the Ajax supporters and the thick pungent smoke has the distinct odour of a brown café!

17.02 GOAL 3-0: Van Rental doses off, Van Nostril is in the crowd looking for munchies and Van der Valk is smiling contendedly whilst collecting daisies from the edge of the pitch… Swatopluk gets the ball in the six yard box and clears to Griffin. Griffin sends a 40 yard crossfield pass to Walktheplank who runs up the wing. Walktheplank crosses the ball to The Black Spot who taps the ball home whilst holding Edam by the throat.

31.08 GOAL 4-0: Dave L has moved up the pitch to sample the smoke whilst downing several bottles of ale. The Amsterdam defenders gather round Dave L and they all start singing sea shanties. Hardly anybody notices when Beagle pops in another goal for Piratica.

45.00 HALF TIME Piratica 4 – Ajax 0
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Postby walktheplank on Wed Aug 09, 2006 7:03 pm

Piratica v Ajax UEFA Champions League 3rd Qualifying Round 1st Leg – 2nd Half

Auntie Dee Dee goes to each player in turn urging them to keep up the intensity in the 2nd half as the tie is not all over yet. However The Black Spot is not impressed “Go away will yer, me and the lads will have some fun in the 2nd half, now leave us beâ€￾. Auntie Dee Dee was shocked no one had ever talked to her like this before and promptly resigned despite Dave L’s frantic pleas for her to change her mind. Seeing that there were no other volunteers Big Ron applied for the job, was immediately appointed and then began to look for commercial opportunities to promote his butchery business.

As the players returned to the pitch there was a message from the public address system “A few words from our new sponsors Big Ron the Butcher, if you like yer sausages big and plump, eat Ron’s bangers you’ll need a ….â€￾ However the rest of the message was lost as the crowd loudly cheered local favourite Big Ron as he proudly led his team out on to the pitch.

46.22: With the 2nd half less than two minutes old and Piratica 4 – 0 up, Black Spot was seen in the crowd giving a familiar face a severe flogging. It was Sol Campbell newly signed for local club Portsmouth. “Leave him be Spotâ€￾ said Walk the Plank “He no longer plays for Arsenal, anyway he be crap nowâ€￾. The Black Spot grunted and made his way back to the pitch leaving a babbling Sol Campbell lying on the floor.

51.36: There were cheers from the crowd as the big screen focused on celebrities in the crowd, no doubt scouting for players for the new football season. Arsene Wenger, Sir Alex Ferguson were seen in the crowd and who is that clearly drunk why yes it is none other than Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD taking a break from the trial of Cap’n Cronan

56.04 GOAL 4-1 Suddenly against the run of play Ajax pull a goal back as Van Go Go Gogh raced through the Piratica defence and slotted the ball home. Shouts of Vincent echo around the stadium from the Ajax end where the pungent smell of a strange tobacco fills the air.

65.55 Suddenly there were cheers from both sets of fans as a female streaker ran on to the pitch. However the cheers turn to groans as they discovered it was Big Brenda wobbling round the pitch. Unfortunately for Dave L she jumps on him and smothers him with kisses. It takes 8 stewards armed with a harpoon gun to sedate her and drag her off the hapless Dave L.

66:30 SUBSTITUTION Dave L is carried off the pitch with several broken Ribs and is replaced by Large Don. An interesting substitution bearing in mind Don is not wearing football kit but a dirty butcher’s apron and is carrying a blood stained carving knife.

70.11 Large Don is immediately in the thick of the action as he literally carves his way through the Ajax team. Body Bags are sent on the pitch removing Ivor Gotoneear, Van Hire, Van Dyke and Figerinderdyke and Ajax are now down to only 7 fit players.

77.49 An announcement from the public address system then echoes around the ground “Will yer Ajax fans on boat leavin shore t’night, it be going at midnight, so make sure yer all be on it yer blaggards and now there be another message from our sponsors…… Ron’s meat is luvly big and thick, says none other than Piratica’s Oz Nickâ€￾

86.23 GOAL 5-1 The tie is surely in the bag for Piratica as The Black Spot head butts Ajax keeper Gouda who drops the ball in the net. The referee looks at the menacing Black Spot and hurriedly allows the goal leaving Gouda to pick up teeth fragments from inside the goal.

90.00 The referee blows the final whistle and the 11 Piratica Players and 3 remaining Ajax players leave the field of play. Piratica have taken a giant step towards the group stages of the Champions League
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Drink

Postby black bart on Tue Aug 15, 2006 9:53 am

walktheplank wrote:

Suddenly against the run of play Ajax pull a goal back as Van Go Go Gogh raced through the Piratica defence and slotted the ball home. Shouts of Vincent echo around the stadium from the Ajax end


Ye missed the opportunity to do the Van Gogh joke:

As Vincent Van GO GO Gogh celebrated his goal, the loyal Ajax fans cheered and shouted:
Crowd: "Do you want a drink Vincent?"
Vincent: "No, I have got one ear!!!!"
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Postby PantyGnawer on Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:25 am

PG sneaks in and steals all your rum
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