FOOTBALL IS BACK GO PIRATICA
PIRATICA v TNS 1st Leg 12/07 2nd Leg 19/07
This is the 1st Qualifying Round of The Champions League. Piratica have taken the place of MyPa (Finland) and play the 1st Leg of the 1st Qualifying Round of the Champions League at home to TNS (Total Network Solutions) Wales on 12th July.
Piratica have been given a place in the Champions League from UEFA as a reward for their splendid effort in reaching the World Cup Final. Portsmouth FC has kindly donated their ground of Fratton Park and it here that Piratica will play their home games.
To reach the group stages of the Champions League Piratica will have to negotiate 4 Qualifying rounds with the opposition becoming increasingly more difficult. The Group Stages are due to start in mid-September.
Piratica are also in negotiations with Football Authorities in England, Spain, Italy and Germany with regard to playing in the domestic league in one of these 4 countries.
Auntie Dee Dee has agreed to remain as Team Manager with Dave L as Captain. The Black Spot has been given extra responsibilities with regard to team motivation and discipline. It will be interesting to see how he deploys his new duties.
Black Bart may have mixed loyalties with Piratica playing his countrymen but for the rest of us it is go Piratica. Black Spot get out yer Cutlass, Dave L don’t forget yer Rum.
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Piratica are admitted to the Champions League 2006-07
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Piratica are admitted to the Champions League 2006-07
by walktheplank on Wed Jul 12, 2006 9:25 am
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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walktheplank - Lumache Lieutenant
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TNS
by black bart on Wed Jul 12, 2006 10:24 am
This is the home leg of Piratica’s two match encounter with TNS of the Welsh Premier League. TNS are known as The New Saints and finished Top of the Premier League last season. They played Champions of Europe Liverpool last season and aquitted themselves well against such lofty opposition. For the away game Black Bart has been tasked with navigating the team to Llansantffraid and has been ordered not to sell Fish Head Stew to any of the locals!
So it’s a warm welcome to Portsmouth for our visitors and without further ado:
Kick off: Piratica 0 TNS 0
02.13 Black Bart deep in conversation with TNS goaly about best way to store Leeks misses opportunity to score from cross from team Captain Dave L.
06.12 Black Spot observed prodding referee (who is French) with cutlass and shouting “where’s our booty then ye garlic eatin blaggardâ€
06.15 GOAL 0-1: Tremendous shot by TNS's attacking midfielder Rhodry ap Gwynech Gylgerrich Jones. Piratica's goalie Dr Otis Lansa completely misses the ball with his hook and skewers the TNS center forward Llewelyn ap Nigel Llanticillio GO GO Goch in the back of the neck
.
06.16 Fight breaks out. Referee tries to calm things down but loses arm in the melee.
09.30 Massive kick upfield by Dr Otis Lansa catches breeze off the sea and hits the TNS crossbar. Ball drops down in front of Black Bart but with the goal at his mercy he notices the Welsh Dragon on the kit of the TNS goaly and bursts into tears!
09.32 Fight breaks out. Referee tries to calm things down but loses leg in the melee.
14.12 Swatopluk gets the ball in the six yard box and clears to Griffin. Griffin sends a 40 yard crossfield pass to Walktheplank who runs up the wing. While the referee is having a wooden leg and a hook hastily attached to his stumps Walktheplank shoots the TNS goalie and orders Black Bart to kick the ball into the empty TNS net.
17.02 GOAL 1-1: Black Bart’s parrot flies down and wafts the ball in with his wing.
23.06 Black Bart starts singing Welsh Hymns to the dying TNS goalie who doesn’t appreciate them cos he’s Irish!
31.08 GOAL 2-1: Dave L saws through referee’s wooden leg and nudges him over. While the ref is lying in the mud The Black Spot fires the ball from a Cannon on the half way line, the ball is quite clearly heading for the top corner when the half dead TNS goaly goaded by Black Bart’s terrible Caterwauling makes one last expiring effort and stretches out a hand to stop the ball…both hand and ball hit the back of the net!
31.11 Fight breaks out. Linesmen hold back referee who clearly is a man who doesn’t know when he’s beaten!
35.00 SUBSTITUTION: E Razer replaces Dr Otis Lansa who has been unable to retrieve hook from back of striker’s head.
45.00 HALF TIME 2-1
Second half to follow: unless someone else wants a go.
So it’s a warm welcome to Portsmouth for our visitors and without further ado:
Kick off: Piratica 0 TNS 0
02.13 Black Bart deep in conversation with TNS goaly about best way to store Leeks misses opportunity to score from cross from team Captain Dave L.
06.12 Black Spot observed prodding referee (who is French) with cutlass and shouting “where’s our booty then ye garlic eatin blaggardâ€
06.15 GOAL 0-1: Tremendous shot by TNS's attacking midfielder Rhodry ap Gwynech Gylgerrich Jones. Piratica's goalie Dr Otis Lansa completely misses the ball with his hook and skewers the TNS center forward Llewelyn ap Nigel Llanticillio GO GO Goch in the back of the neck
.
06.16 Fight breaks out. Referee tries to calm things down but loses arm in the melee.
09.30 Massive kick upfield by Dr Otis Lansa catches breeze off the sea and hits the TNS crossbar. Ball drops down in front of Black Bart but with the goal at his mercy he notices the Welsh Dragon on the kit of the TNS goaly and bursts into tears!
09.32 Fight breaks out. Referee tries to calm things down but loses leg in the melee.
14.12 Swatopluk gets the ball in the six yard box and clears to Griffin. Griffin sends a 40 yard crossfield pass to Walktheplank who runs up the wing. While the referee is having a wooden leg and a hook hastily attached to his stumps Walktheplank shoots the TNS goalie and orders Black Bart to kick the ball into the empty TNS net.
17.02 GOAL 1-1: Black Bart’s parrot flies down and wafts the ball in with his wing.
23.06 Black Bart starts singing Welsh Hymns to the dying TNS goalie who doesn’t appreciate them cos he’s Irish!
31.08 GOAL 2-1: Dave L saws through referee’s wooden leg and nudges him over. While the ref is lying in the mud The Black Spot fires the ball from a Cannon on the half way line, the ball is quite clearly heading for the top corner when the half dead TNS goaly goaded by Black Bart’s terrible Caterwauling makes one last expiring effort and stretches out a hand to stop the ball…both hand and ball hit the back of the net!
31.11 Fight breaks out. Linesmen hold back referee who clearly is a man who doesn’t know when he’s beaten!
35.00 SUBSTITUTION: E Razer replaces Dr Otis Lansa who has been unable to retrieve hook from back of striker’s head.
45.00 HALF TIME 2-1
Second half to follow: unless someone else wants a go.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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black bart - Resident Weevil
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by walktheplank on Wed Jul 12, 2006 12:39 pm
Kick off: Piratica 2 TNS 1
So it’s half time and there are concerns from Auntie Dee Dee that Piratica are taking their part time opposition lightly. The Black Spot has his first opportunity to practice his new motivational duties. He then approaches his team mates one by one and reminds them of their responsibilities, then with a grunt “cum on ye blaggards, lets go to Fifi’sâ€
As the teams return to the pitch there is a surreal atmosphere at a near deserted Fratton Park as most of the Piratica fans have not made it back from a month of pillaging in Germany.
48.16 The referee has noticed that only Eraser has returned to Pitch as the rest of the Piratica team have not returned from Fifi’s. The TNS players look confused and perhaps wary of their opponent’s reputation are reluctant to attack the Piratica goal.
49.25 The smell of spaghetti and meatballs wafts over the ground as Eraser takes the opportunity to practice some Italian cooking in his goalmouth.
55.54 Gradually the Piratica players return to the pitch all looking rather tired; TNS have not been able to make their 10-man advantage count.
62.17 Three TNS players approach The Black Spot and ask him for his autograph. “Certainly†said Spot inserting his cutlass into their heads.
69.55 The TNS fans form a Welsh Male Voice Choir and soon the sound of the valleys echoes around Portsmouth. The Black Spot responds with musket fire and the awful Welsh music is silenced.
73.08 Dave L falls to the floor in a drunken heap and is replaced by Teripie. 10 minutes later Dave is seen entering a Portsmouth hostelry with Pir-gella on his arms.
77.12 Black Bart receives a pat on the back and a large leek from the TNS players as he manages to miss an open goal.
80.00 GOAL Piratica 3- TNS 1: Eraser’s goal kick flies straight into the TNS goal. Players on both sides have left the pitch and have been taken down Fifi’s by The Black Spot.
90.00 The referee blows the whistle for full time, Piratica have won their first Champions League game but it would appear that there was a lack of commitment that will be punished by better sides. Still with an away goal TNS will still fancy their chances to create a shock in the 2nd leg.
So it’s half time and there are concerns from Auntie Dee Dee that Piratica are taking their part time opposition lightly. The Black Spot has his first opportunity to practice his new motivational duties. He then approaches his team mates one by one and reminds them of their responsibilities, then with a grunt “cum on ye blaggards, lets go to Fifi’sâ€
As the teams return to the pitch there is a surreal atmosphere at a near deserted Fratton Park as most of the Piratica fans have not made it back from a month of pillaging in Germany.
48.16 The referee has noticed that only Eraser has returned to Pitch as the rest of the Piratica team have not returned from Fifi’s. The TNS players look confused and perhaps wary of their opponent’s reputation are reluctant to attack the Piratica goal.
49.25 The smell of spaghetti and meatballs wafts over the ground as Eraser takes the opportunity to practice some Italian cooking in his goalmouth.
55.54 Gradually the Piratica players return to the pitch all looking rather tired; TNS have not been able to make their 10-man advantage count.
62.17 Three TNS players approach The Black Spot and ask him for his autograph. “Certainly†said Spot inserting his cutlass into their heads.
69.55 The TNS fans form a Welsh Male Voice Choir and soon the sound of the valleys echoes around Portsmouth. The Black Spot responds with musket fire and the awful Welsh music is silenced.
73.08 Dave L falls to the floor in a drunken heap and is replaced by Teripie. 10 minutes later Dave is seen entering a Portsmouth hostelry with Pir-gella on his arms.
77.12 Black Bart receives a pat on the back and a large leek from the TNS players as he manages to miss an open goal.
80.00 GOAL Piratica 3- TNS 1: Eraser’s goal kick flies straight into the TNS goal. Players on both sides have left the pitch and have been taken down Fifi’s by The Black Spot.
90.00 The referee blows the whistle for full time, Piratica have won their first Champions League game but it would appear that there was a lack of commitment that will be punished by better sides. Still with an away goal TNS will still fancy their chances to create a shock in the 2nd leg.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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walktheplank - Lumache Lieutenant
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by DaveL on Thu Jul 13, 2006 7:35 am
YArrrrr...
'Take-the-Lot' are lookin for a half-time gig, or we could sing the national anthem at the next game. Shoo wop, shoo wop...
YArrrr...
I think that's the least goals we've conceded for ages.
'Take-the-Lot' are lookin for a half-time gig, or we could sing the national anthem at the next game. Shoo wop, shoo wop...
YArrrr...
I think that's the least goals we've conceded for ages.
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Hills
by black bart on Thu Jul 13, 2006 9:25 am
This game ain't over yet...the away leg will be no formality. Not many expeditions into the Welsh Hills get out alive! 
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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black bart - Resident Weevil
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by walktheplank on Wed Jul 19, 2006 9:03 am
This is the 2nd leg of Piratica’s 1st Round Champions League tie with TNS of the Welsh Premier League. Piratica hold a 3-1 lead from the home leg in Portsmouth, though having obtained an away goal the Welsh Champions are confident they can pull off an upset against the World Cup finalists. For the away game Black Bart has been tasked with navigating the team to Llansantffraid as he is the only member of the team who can pronounce it if we get lost.
2 hours before the game and with no ground in sight, Dave L asks Black Bart when are we going to arrive at the game. “A slight problem†said Bart “We are in Wales, South Wales to precise, in fact to be truthful New South Walesâ€. “Arrgh†said Dave L “We be 10,000 Miles awayâ€. “Never fear†said Oz_Nick “Grab hold of me new Peg Legs and oi will get you all to the game in timeâ€. So Nick now known as Superoz to his teammates did his duty and yes Piratica did make it to the game in time.
Kick off: TNS 0 (1) Piratica 0 (3)
03.44 Dave L sporting a big smile on his face has either put on weight or he has something stuffed up his shirt.
06.47 GOAL 1-0: Tremendous header by Rhodry ap Gwynech Gylgerrich Jones gives TNS the lead on the night. Oz Nick who should have won the header is completly immobile; his peg legs have rusted up completely.
.
11.21 The Black Spot is booked for bad sportsmanship, having punctured the ball with his cutlass prior to TNS taking a corner.
16.33 Only a last ditch tackle from Swatopluk prevents TNS taking the overall lead in the tie. Dafydd Carnarveon Llandudno Jones having the ball taking off his feet when clean through on goal.
23.18. The referee is keeping tight control on this game on account of the fact that he is speeding around in a wheelchair. UEFA were unable to persuade an able bodied referee to officiate in this game.
29.55 The irritating Welsh Singer Aled Jones is seen in the crowd getting rather excited. The Black Spot takes him out with one powerful blow to cheers from both sets of supporters.
33.10 The large bump up Dave L’s shirt is revealed when 6 sheep emerge. Strangely they are all smiling to. “What are you doing†yelled Black Bart “you were supposed to shear them not …†but his words are lost as TNS increase their lead
33.11 GOAL 2-0: Iwan Aberaeron Welshpool Thomas drills the ball home from the edge of the box. Dr Otis Lansa who should have stopped the shot was unsighted when one of Dave L’s sheep wandered across the goal and blocked his view.
40.04 SUBSTITUTION: Teripie replaces Oz_Nick who has been unable to move due to serious mechanical problems with his peg legs, namely rust. Is sabotage to blame, Oz_Nick does not look happy as he is carried from the Pitch.
45.00 HALF TIME 2-0 TNS are leading a dispirited Piratica by 2-0 which means they will go through on away goals if things do not change. Piratica have it all to do in the 2nd half.
2 hours before the game and with no ground in sight, Dave L asks Black Bart when are we going to arrive at the game. “A slight problem†said Bart “We are in Wales, South Wales to precise, in fact to be truthful New South Walesâ€. “Arrgh†said Dave L “We be 10,000 Miles awayâ€. “Never fear†said Oz_Nick “Grab hold of me new Peg Legs and oi will get you all to the game in timeâ€. So Nick now known as Superoz to his teammates did his duty and yes Piratica did make it to the game in time.
Kick off: TNS 0 (1) Piratica 0 (3)
03.44 Dave L sporting a big smile on his face has either put on weight or he has something stuffed up his shirt.
06.47 GOAL 1-0: Tremendous header by Rhodry ap Gwynech Gylgerrich Jones gives TNS the lead on the night. Oz Nick who should have won the header is completly immobile; his peg legs have rusted up completely.
.
11.21 The Black Spot is booked for bad sportsmanship, having punctured the ball with his cutlass prior to TNS taking a corner.
16.33 Only a last ditch tackle from Swatopluk prevents TNS taking the overall lead in the tie. Dafydd Carnarveon Llandudno Jones having the ball taking off his feet when clean through on goal.
23.18. The referee is keeping tight control on this game on account of the fact that he is speeding around in a wheelchair. UEFA were unable to persuade an able bodied referee to officiate in this game.
29.55 The irritating Welsh Singer Aled Jones is seen in the crowd getting rather excited. The Black Spot takes him out with one powerful blow to cheers from both sets of supporters.
33.10 The large bump up Dave L’s shirt is revealed when 6 sheep emerge. Strangely they are all smiling to. “What are you doing†yelled Black Bart “you were supposed to shear them not …†but his words are lost as TNS increase their lead
33.11 GOAL 2-0: Iwan Aberaeron Welshpool Thomas drills the ball home from the edge of the box. Dr Otis Lansa who should have stopped the shot was unsighted when one of Dave L’s sheep wandered across the goal and blocked his view.
40.04 SUBSTITUTION: Teripie replaces Oz_Nick who has been unable to move due to serious mechanical problems with his peg legs, namely rust. Is sabotage to blame, Oz_Nick does not look happy as he is carried from the Pitch.
45.00 HALF TIME 2-0 TNS are leading a dispirited Piratica by 2-0 which means they will go through on away goals if things do not change. Piratica have it all to do in the 2nd half.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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walktheplank - Lumache Lieutenant
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TNS v Piratica 2nd Half
by black bart on Wed Jul 19, 2006 11:37 am
There is confusion as the Teams come out for the second half…Piratica have made 6 substitutions. OZ Nick, Dr Otis Lansa, Swatopluk, Walktheplank, Terepie and Griffin have been replaced by 6 sheep wearing Piratica away kit (Gold Shirts with a Black Skull and Cross Bones motif and Black Shorts with torn edging, Thick Leather Belt with Skull shaped Buckle, Brace of Pistols, Cutlass and Cat o Nine Tails). The sheep are also wearing Stockings and suspenders and looking very provocative!
Kick off: TNS 2 (1) Piratica 0 (3)
46.44 Welsh goalie is distracted by Piratica sheep and ball rolls to Black Bart in front of open defenceless goal…Black Bart is also gazing longingly at sheep and misses opportunity to score…but looks more likely to score with the sheep which nuzzles up to him!
53.44 Rhodry ap Gwynech Gylgerrich Jones is clean through on goal with only a sheep to beat when The Black Spot shouts “Mince Sauce†the sheep panic and trample Rhodry to death.
.
61.21 Black Bart is booked for making unseemly advances toward his sheep team mate!
65.33 The Sheep form a defensive wall as TNS have a free kick in a dangerous position. Gwlym ap Llanelli GO GO Goch the TNS Free Kick specialist chips the ball over the two foot high wall and looks certain to score, but a quick thinking Black Spot throws one of the sheep at the ball and deflects it over for a corner.
72.18. Terrible noise from the home crowd as Max Boyce and Bonny Tyler lead the TNS supporters in a rousing rendition of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’.
75.11 GOAL 2-1 All six sheep including the one who is supposed to be keeping goal make a rush down the pitch towards the TNS goal. Confused, the TNS defenders back off until suddenly E Razer emerges from behind the sheep brandishing a dead Swan and shouting: “Blessed is the Nun of Dresden!†The terrified TNS defenders scatter and E Razer punts the ball into the goal
78.10 Piratica are down to 9 men - One of the sheep has to go off injured and Black Bart follows it off the pitch and into the dressing room!
79.10: The 5 sheep and 4 men of Piratica try to hang on with a slender 1 goal advantage. Black Spot organises the defence brilliantly arranging the sheep in a semicircle and picking off the advancing TNS players with his pistol.
80.33: Dave L succumbs to his flagon o rum and passes out behind a sheep.
83.30: Desperate to try to turn the game around TNS make a final substitution bringing on Sheep Dog Fran from the local farm. Fran brilliantly rounds up all the Piratica sheep and only Dave L (asleep), The Black Spot, E Razer and Sir Francis Drake are left to defend the Piratica goal against a last minute corner. The ball comes over and Gareth O Leary Macynthleth looks certain to head the ball home and force the game into Extra Time when he lets out a piercing scream as his legs are clamped in the jaws of the Piratica Mascot ‘Barry the Crocodile’!
90.00 FULL TIME TNS 2 (1) Piratica 1 (3) Piratica have won 4-3 on aggregate and are through to the next round.
Kick off: TNS 2 (1) Piratica 0 (3)
46.44 Welsh goalie is distracted by Piratica sheep and ball rolls to Black Bart in front of open defenceless goal…Black Bart is also gazing longingly at sheep and misses opportunity to score…but looks more likely to score with the sheep which nuzzles up to him!
53.44 Rhodry ap Gwynech Gylgerrich Jones is clean through on goal with only a sheep to beat when The Black Spot shouts “Mince Sauce†the sheep panic and trample Rhodry to death.
.
61.21 Black Bart is booked for making unseemly advances toward his sheep team mate!
65.33 The Sheep form a defensive wall as TNS have a free kick in a dangerous position. Gwlym ap Llanelli GO GO Goch the TNS Free Kick specialist chips the ball over the two foot high wall and looks certain to score, but a quick thinking Black Spot throws one of the sheep at the ball and deflects it over for a corner.
72.18. Terrible noise from the home crowd as Max Boyce and Bonny Tyler lead the TNS supporters in a rousing rendition of ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’.
75.11 GOAL 2-1 All six sheep including the one who is supposed to be keeping goal make a rush down the pitch towards the TNS goal. Confused, the TNS defenders back off until suddenly E Razer emerges from behind the sheep brandishing a dead Swan and shouting: “Blessed is the Nun of Dresden!†The terrified TNS defenders scatter and E Razer punts the ball into the goal
78.10 Piratica are down to 9 men - One of the sheep has to go off injured and Black Bart follows it off the pitch and into the dressing room!
79.10: The 5 sheep and 4 men of Piratica try to hang on with a slender 1 goal advantage. Black Spot organises the defence brilliantly arranging the sheep in a semicircle and picking off the advancing TNS players with his pistol.
80.33: Dave L succumbs to his flagon o rum and passes out behind a sheep.
83.30: Desperate to try to turn the game around TNS make a final substitution bringing on Sheep Dog Fran from the local farm. Fran brilliantly rounds up all the Piratica sheep and only Dave L (asleep), The Black Spot, E Razer and Sir Francis Drake are left to defend the Piratica goal against a last minute corner. The ball comes over and Gareth O Leary Macynthleth looks certain to head the ball home and force the game into Extra Time when he lets out a piercing scream as his legs are clamped in the jaws of the Piratica Mascot ‘Barry the Crocodile’!
90.00 FULL TIME TNS 2 (1) Piratica 1 (3) Piratica have won 4-3 on aggregate and are through to the next round.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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black bart - Resident Weevil
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by walktheplank on Thu Jul 20, 2006 6:29 am
Well done Piratica we are now on the road through various remote European outposts. I am not sure who we will play next as various teams join in at each qualifying stage, however the 2nd Match 1st leg is due to be played next Wednesday 26th July.
OK you can keep the sheep if you want to Dave L.
OK you can keep the sheep if you want to Dave L.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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walktheplank - Lumache Lieutenant
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Julie Julie
by black bart on Thu Jul 20, 2006 7:52 am
Can I keep 'Julie' the sheep I befriended aswell please!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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black bart - Resident Weevil
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by walktheplank on Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:27 am
A trip to Denmark awaits Piratica in the next round as we have been drawn to play FC Copenhagen in the 2nd Qualifying Round. The 1st leg takes place in Copenhagen on 26th July.
Carlsberg anyone?
Carlsberg anyone?
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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walktheplank - Lumache Lieutenant
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Bacon
by black bart on Mon Jul 24, 2006 8:31 am
YYYAAARRR...I hope someone saves our bacon! 
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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black bart - Resident Weevil
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by walktheplank on Wed Jul 26, 2006 11:08 am
UEFA Champions League FC Copenhagen (København) v Piratica 2nd Qualifying Round 1st Leg
A new venue for Piratica in their quest for Champions League Glory as the city of Copenhagen welcomes the supporters and players of Piratica for the 2nd Qualifying Round 1st Leg. Copenhagen is an attractive city full of beautiful parks, gardens and art galleries, however the players of Piratica had a different agenda prior to the game.
A few hours before the game a fleet of Pirate Ships led by Dave L roared into the main harbour in Copenhagen and destroyed the entire Danish naval fleet (all 4 of them). Black Bart was absent from this heroic action as he was in Zurich in a failed attempt to locate and destroy the Swiss naval fleet.
The teams are:
FC Copenhagen Piratica
Jesper Christiansen Dr Otis Lansa
Brede Hangeland Dave L
Tobias Linderoth Swatopluk
Ãlvaro Santos Alpaca
Jesper Grønkjær Oz_Nick
Marcus Allbäck Griffin
Dan Thomassen Teripie
Thomas Villadsen Sir Francis Drake
Morten Bertolt Walk the Plank
William Kvist The Black Spot
Martin Bergvold Black Bart
FC Copenhagen 0 Piratica 0
00.00 The game kicks off in front of a smattering of supporters. Most of the Piratica fans are in the hospitality bar drinking the free Carlsberg supplied by their generous hosts.
06.01 The Black Spot goes on a mazy run with his cutlass and takes out three defenders, the ball is nowhere to be seen.
10.25 All of the free drink has contributed towards most of the crowd becoming very drunk resembling Nottingham on a Friday Night (in fact any night in Nottingham).
14.25 Nothing has happened in the game so far until Dave L has a quiet word in the referee’s ear. Seconds later the referee goes into the dressing room and emerges with a ball.
19.23 Marcus Allbäck shows why he was such a crap striker in England with Aston Villa by blasting a good chance way over the bar.
22.46 Spotted in the crowd are that well known Danish Pop group Aqua. They then perform their famous song Barbie Girl to shouts of derision from all around the ground. OZ_Nick solves the problem by erecting a makeshift gallows in the main stand. Then thanks to the efforts of willing volunteers in the crowd Aqua will make no more trashy Euro Pop (if only eh).
31.12 SUBSTITUTION: Kvist is removed from the pitch by the Danish side shortly after Oz_Nick had removed his leg with a scimitar.
34.22 Dave L goes down in agony clutching his ankle after a hard tackle from Grønkjær. Pir-gella and Brenda are seen fighting to the death in order to be the first to tend to his injuries.
39.55 Black Bart is then sent through on goal from a fine ball from the Piratica playmaker Sir Francis Drake. Black Bart takes a touch and then blasts the ball into the Baltic.
45.00 So an uneventful game is goalless at half time, more will be expected of both teams in the 2nd half.
A new venue for Piratica in their quest for Champions League Glory as the city of Copenhagen welcomes the supporters and players of Piratica for the 2nd Qualifying Round 1st Leg. Copenhagen is an attractive city full of beautiful parks, gardens and art galleries, however the players of Piratica had a different agenda prior to the game.
A few hours before the game a fleet of Pirate Ships led by Dave L roared into the main harbour in Copenhagen and destroyed the entire Danish naval fleet (all 4 of them). Black Bart was absent from this heroic action as he was in Zurich in a failed attempt to locate and destroy the Swiss naval fleet.
The teams are:
FC Copenhagen Piratica
Jesper Christiansen Dr Otis Lansa
Brede Hangeland Dave L
Tobias Linderoth Swatopluk
Ãlvaro Santos Alpaca
Jesper Grønkjær Oz_Nick
Marcus Allbäck Griffin
Dan Thomassen Teripie
Thomas Villadsen Sir Francis Drake
Morten Bertolt Walk the Plank
William Kvist The Black Spot
Martin Bergvold Black Bart
FC Copenhagen 0 Piratica 0
00.00 The game kicks off in front of a smattering of supporters. Most of the Piratica fans are in the hospitality bar drinking the free Carlsberg supplied by their generous hosts.
06.01 The Black Spot goes on a mazy run with his cutlass and takes out three defenders, the ball is nowhere to be seen.
10.25 All of the free drink has contributed towards most of the crowd becoming very drunk resembling Nottingham on a Friday Night (in fact any night in Nottingham).
14.25 Nothing has happened in the game so far until Dave L has a quiet word in the referee’s ear. Seconds later the referee goes into the dressing room and emerges with a ball.
19.23 Marcus Allbäck shows why he was such a crap striker in England with Aston Villa by blasting a good chance way over the bar.
22.46 Spotted in the crowd are that well known Danish Pop group Aqua. They then perform their famous song Barbie Girl to shouts of derision from all around the ground. OZ_Nick solves the problem by erecting a makeshift gallows in the main stand. Then thanks to the efforts of willing volunteers in the crowd Aqua will make no more trashy Euro Pop (if only eh).
31.12 SUBSTITUTION: Kvist is removed from the pitch by the Danish side shortly after Oz_Nick had removed his leg with a scimitar.
34.22 Dave L goes down in agony clutching his ankle after a hard tackle from Grønkjær. Pir-gella and Brenda are seen fighting to the death in order to be the first to tend to his injuries.
39.55 Black Bart is then sent through on goal from a fine ball from the Piratica playmaker Sir Francis Drake. Black Bart takes a touch and then blasts the ball into the Baltic.
45.00 So an uneventful game is goalless at half time, more will be expected of both teams in the 2nd half.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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walktheplank - Lumache Lieutenant
- Posts: 585
- Joined: Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:34 am
by Sir Francis Drake on Wed Jul 26, 2006 5:32 pm
Hey mister, can we have our ball back?
Maybe we's been playin' too fair. What we needs is a strategy. And some more of that schnapps.
Maybe we's been playin' too fair. What we needs is a strategy. And some more of that schnapps.
Taste the truth, savor the satire, pass the pasta!
Dona Nobis Pasta
-Opsanus tau
Dona Nobis Pasta
-Opsanus tau
- Sir Francis Drake
- Monkaroni
- Posts: 993
- Joined: Fri Dec 02, 2005 7:09 pm
- Location: FSM's own Honorable Order of Toadfish Monastery
by OZ_Nick on Wed Jul 26, 2006 6:49 pm
Yarr! Oi must say Oi loikes the feel o' this scimitar Oi been tryin' out in this game. It be a noice balance and weight and th' blade is a very good combination o' flexibilty and a hard, raiser sharpe edge. Jest the thing fer removing inconvenient appendages from members o' the opposishun.
Cap'n One-Eye Nick
Manufacturerer of Qualitie Buccaneerin Prosthesi
Try the new "MkV Quantum Leap" peg legs at a pirate provisioning store near you!
Cap'n One-Eye Nick
Manufacturerer of Qualitie Buccaneerin Prosthesi
Try the new "MkV Quantum Leap" peg legs at a pirate provisioning store near you!
----
Ye may knowe mee better as Cap'n Bluenose
Ye may knowe mee better as Cap'n Bluenose
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OZ_Nick - Stele Second Mate
- Posts: 442
- Joined: Tue Apr 04, 2006 11:20 pm
- Location: L-Space
Second Half
by black bart on Wed Jul 26, 2006 7:15 pm
Second Half Kick off: FC Copenhagen 0 Piratica 0
40.13 Team captain DaveL gets into the thick of the action early, with a sliding tackle on the referee. He misses the referee and carries on sliding back towards the bar! He returns after a lengthy Schnapps tasting session.
40.12 Oz Nick re-adjusts his spring loaded peg legs to meet a Copenhagen Corner. He propels the ball at dazzling spead...straight toward the Piratica goal! In a never to be repeated moment of unselfish defending Black Bart is back giving his all for Piratica...
46.15 GOAL 0-1: Tremendous header by Bart...straight into his own net!
46.16 Fight breaks out as Bart refuses to believe he has scored at the wrong end!.
49.30 Defensive clearance by Dave L...ball goes straight up into the air and plunges to earth directly above the Piratica goal. Marcus Allback is waiting to pounce as the ball comes down, but while he's looking up...Griffin whips his shorts off and attaches a particularily viscous looking Lobster to Allback's nether regions!
49.32 Fight breaks out as the Copenhagen team try to remove the Lobster from Allback's bits. The referee, who has been maintaining a low profile throughout the match so far, sees no alternative but to give Griffin a yellow card for Shelfish play...
54.12 Swatopluk gets the ball in the six yard box and clears to Griffin. Griffin sends a 40 yard crossfield pass to Walktheplank who runs up the wing. Walktheplank beats Thomassen on the edge of the area and whips in a cross towards The Black Spot...the Copenhagen goal bulges but it's Bergvold's head that hits the back of the net...his body remains standing for a few seconds still clutching the ball!
55.00 Copenhagen's substitute goal keepers are seen running from the ground!
57.02 SENDING OFF: Griffin receives a second yellow card for illegal use of a Giant Squid. Opposing player carried off, legs still protruding from the squids mouth!
68.06 In attempt to hold on to the acceptable 1-0 away defeat Aunty Dee Dee substitutes Walktheplank and brings on suprise substitute...Big Brenda. Big Brenda takes up a deep position in front of the Piratica goal and renders all of Copenhagen's attempts on goal futile.
71.08 Most of the Piratica team go back to the bar for some well earned grog leaving Brenda in defence and Bart and The Black Spot up front and Dave L lying comatose in midfield.
90.11 GOAL 1-1 - Most of the Copenhagen team have died of exhaustion while trying to get round Big Brenda. In a final attempt to give Copenhagen a two goal cushion, Linderoth hammers the ball against Big Brenda's backside. The ball lodges between Brenda's buttocks...The Black Spot and Black Bart whistle seductively towards Brenda from the Copenhagen goal mouth and jangle a big bag o dubloons and brandish a huge pie. When she's tempted, Big Brenda can move...she heads toward the Copenhagen goal crushing all resistance from the remaining Copenhagen players and finishing up in front of the goal. Brenda gobbles up the pie in one mouthfull and then lets off a massive fart depositing the ball in the back of the net! The final whistle is blown.
FC Copenhagen 1 - Piratica 1
...and Piratica take a valuable away goal back to Portsmouth for the second leg
40.13 Team captain DaveL gets into the thick of the action early, with a sliding tackle on the referee. He misses the referee and carries on sliding back towards the bar! He returns after a lengthy Schnapps tasting session.
40.12 Oz Nick re-adjusts his spring loaded peg legs to meet a Copenhagen Corner. He propels the ball at dazzling spead...straight toward the Piratica goal! In a never to be repeated moment of unselfish defending Black Bart is back giving his all for Piratica...
46.15 GOAL 0-1: Tremendous header by Bart...straight into his own net!
46.16 Fight breaks out as Bart refuses to believe he has scored at the wrong end!.
49.30 Defensive clearance by Dave L...ball goes straight up into the air and plunges to earth directly above the Piratica goal. Marcus Allback is waiting to pounce as the ball comes down, but while he's looking up...Griffin whips his shorts off and attaches a particularily viscous looking Lobster to Allback's nether regions!
49.32 Fight breaks out as the Copenhagen team try to remove the Lobster from Allback's bits. The referee, who has been maintaining a low profile throughout the match so far, sees no alternative but to give Griffin a yellow card for Shelfish play...
54.12 Swatopluk gets the ball in the six yard box and clears to Griffin. Griffin sends a 40 yard crossfield pass to Walktheplank who runs up the wing. Walktheplank beats Thomassen on the edge of the area and whips in a cross towards The Black Spot...the Copenhagen goal bulges but it's Bergvold's head that hits the back of the net...his body remains standing for a few seconds still clutching the ball!
55.00 Copenhagen's substitute goal keepers are seen running from the ground!
57.02 SENDING OFF: Griffin receives a second yellow card for illegal use of a Giant Squid. Opposing player carried off, legs still protruding from the squids mouth!
68.06 In attempt to hold on to the acceptable 1-0 away defeat Aunty Dee Dee substitutes Walktheplank and brings on suprise substitute...Big Brenda. Big Brenda takes up a deep position in front of the Piratica goal and renders all of Copenhagen's attempts on goal futile.
71.08 Most of the Piratica team go back to the bar for some well earned grog leaving Brenda in defence and Bart and The Black Spot up front and Dave L lying comatose in midfield.
90.11 GOAL 1-1 - Most of the Copenhagen team have died of exhaustion while trying to get round Big Brenda. In a final attempt to give Copenhagen a two goal cushion, Linderoth hammers the ball against Big Brenda's backside. The ball lodges between Brenda's buttocks...The Black Spot and Black Bart whistle seductively towards Brenda from the Copenhagen goal mouth and jangle a big bag o dubloons and brandish a huge pie. When she's tempted, Big Brenda can move...she heads toward the Copenhagen goal crushing all resistance from the remaining Copenhagen players and finishing up in front of the goal. Brenda gobbles up the pie in one mouthfull and then lets off a massive fart depositing the ball in the back of the net! The final whistle is blown.
FC Copenhagen 1 - Piratica 1
...and Piratica take a valuable away goal back to Portsmouth for the second leg
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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black bart - Resident Weevil
- Posts: 25662
- Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
- Location: London
30 posts
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