Aaaarggh-stock: A concert to end scurvy and global warming

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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The Aaargghh-stock Lineup

Postby DaveL on Wed Aug 30, 2006 6:03 am

ARGHHH-STOCK: THE PRELUDE

Yarrrr…Welcome to the Festival to end all festivals…Arggghhh-stock. My name is Rockin Rod Carbuncle from PTV. Welcome to the day before the Big Event. We’ll be seein’ some well established acts, along with some new and exciting acts. The tension has been building both on and off the stage. The Scurvy Rex stadium, normally the home ground of the Piratica football team is being slowly filled with a different type of unruly violent bunch o’thugs…the rock pundit! Yarrrrrrr…

The crowd has started descending upon Portsmouth, eager to be part of the Pirate hippy vibe that’ll be permatin’ ‘The Rex’. Peace, Love and Piracy is what it all be about. There will be lots of acid…that’s citric acid around the ground, as we aim to end the world’s scurvy problem. In addition, as there be more pirates in one stadium ye can poke a stick at, we will ‘ave a crack at ending global warmin’ as well.

A special mosh pit has been brought into the ground, complete with a full set of hoses to wash the blood, teeth and empty rum bottles. Portsmouth harbour is chock-o-block full of galleons parked inside. Watchout for those Royal Navy Parking Officers, the Blaggards are even bookin' the seagulls!

Well the final programme for Arghhh-stock has been released. Each band will be performin’ two sets, although O’im not sure if half of ‘em know the difference between 'tennis sets' and 'music sets'. Anyways, here’s a wrap of the planned line-up for those not in the know:

DAY 1

1. Polly and the Crackers – a real novelty act, can 4 grown parrots really rock and sing in tune? Well probably good as Take-the Lot can!

2. Norman Greenplank – Super fitness guru and bard genius, weaving a magic blend of poetry and pirate rock. A real treat for the beatnik pirates. Make sure you wear 'all black' and a beret to this one!

3. Tiddles and the Hellcats (with Jimmy Pageboy) – making their debut appearance, pure feline evilness meets heavy metal. Tiddles will be singing all songs in the key of ‘Miaow.’

4. Big Ron’s Incredible Wind Band – If Big Ron doesn’t clear the mosh pit, nothing short of Black Bart’s fish head stew concentrate will. Please no naked flames during this one. Big Ron will be performin’ his Rock Opera…’Ronny’ – the story of a deaf dumb and blind butcher that ‘sure makes a mean chorizo’.

DAY 2

5. Santa-arghhhh – Boufant guitar player with flares, powering his way through some latino piratey numbers. Sponsored by Bart Enterprises, this master of guitar will scare even the most fashion conscious unconscious. Those platform shoes need there own parking spaces.

6. Aunty Blackbeard and guests from beyond - Ian Curtis, Kurt Cobain and Capn Cronan. Is the Scurvy Rex on dry land, cause it may sink. Better check the foundations. Aunty BB’s friends have no shortage of after-world experience to call upon. Get ready to close the portal…’who you gonna call?’...

7. Take-the Lot – If you thought Aunty Black beard’s act was scary, check out these blokes! Piratica’s most famous boy band fronted by DaveL and Black Spot. Might be looking to hide behind the chicken wire early if the crowd are on the grog. These spandex clad honey drippers might just sway the wench population.

8. Pirates at Werke – Oz_Nick’s use of explosive and incendiary devices is sure to go off with a bang. Can their music do the same? I thought that naval battles took place at sea, not on stage. Yarrrr…

9. Blaggard Joey – Can this man really pull more super model wenches than Mick Jagg-arrgh? The 'piano man' is aiming to cut loose, only this time on stage. Can someone tip a bucket of cold water over that bloke. Behave yerself Joey!!

DAY 3

10. Madame Fifi’s Electric Can Can Ensemble – With MFECCE your wildest male dreams are fulfilled. Just make sure you take yer heart medication first. They said they’d do what on stage?

11. Motarghh-head – Loud and lewd , Singidunum’s heavy rock band should incite nothing short of testosterone filled madness. Best wear a hard hat durin’ this performance. The rum bottles will be flyin!

12. Jimi Arrghh-drix – the worlds greatest concertina player hits Arghhh-stock. Will sing all his hits: ‘Spanish Castle Plunder’, ‘Foxy Wenchy’ and ‘The Wind Cries Ronny’. Is that white smoke rollin’ from his concertina, or is Capn Cronan just pleased to see me?

13. Brenda McTavish – How will the big girl go down? Hopefully not crashing through the stage. Playbilge’s singing siren will send the lads into a frenzy. Just keep give her a good roast dinner before hand, so she don’t wander off .

14. The All Stars – How many pirate rock stars can fit on one stage is a mystery? How many rock clichés can we fit into one performance? All those egos on stage is bound to cause a few hissy fits. Bound to turn the most jaded pirate rock fan into an even more jaded rock fan.

So there you ‘ave it. We’ll be coverin’ Day 1 action in the near future. This be Rockin Rod Carbuncle from PTV singin off from the Arggghhh-stock Festival.
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Wind

Postby black bart on Wed Aug 30, 2006 7:07 am

Dave L wrote:

‘The Wind Cries Ronny’


I be especially lookin forward to that number but I'll be wearin a gass mask!!!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby The Black Spot on Thu Aug 31, 2006 11:58 am

Arrrr...

I be a bit unhappy at us bein' on stage the day after Big Ron's Incredible Wind Band. I would've given it a couple o' days at least.
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Cult

Postby black bart on Wed Sep 06, 2006 6:43 am

I hears rumours that there be a smaller stage in a tent a mile away from the main stage where new acts will be given a chance to perform. One o these acts is rumoured to be 'The Black Fishhead Cult band' with their debut single: 'Don't fear the Fishstew'.
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Postby DaveL on Wed Sep 06, 2006 7:11 am

YArrrr...

Remind me to point that tent towards the front of the stage. Otherwise we may lose it when Big Ron does his Rock Opera. YArrrr..

Oi hear the lyrics to Big Ron's swansong moment is called (think Tommy here) See Me, Hear Me, Smell Me...
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Postby The Black Spot on Wed Sep 06, 2006 7:25 am

I'd be a bit wary when Ron performs "Fanfare For the Common Cold". That be guaranteed to clear yer sinuses.
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Postby DaveL on Thu Sep 07, 2006 6:50 am

Auntie Dee Dee wrote: And the unspeakabe sea song, Standing on Shaky Ground


YArrrr...that one sounds like it's inspired by Capn Cronan. Oi be looking forward to seein' Fishbone play.
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Ash

Postby black bart on Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:02 am

AAARGH if they get burned in a terrible back stage accident involving Big Ron and a naked flame will they be called: Fishbone Ash?
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Goldie

Postby black bart on Fri Sep 08, 2006 8:42 am

Also appearin in the small tent (thanks be to the FSM) will be the Welsh band 'Goldie Lookin Dubloon'. This be one o their lovely numbers:

That's right, you knows what I'm saying
Your First mate's offered me the goods, I'm not paying.
It started as a laugh, as a bit of a joke
Something funny to say when I was having a smoke.
I first heard off this bloke, this silly rumour going round
Your First mate's reputation it's not sound
He's saving up the pennies hoping they'd turn into pounds
To have an operation to swap his gender around.

It's a shock to me and it's a shock to you
Your First mate's got a pink dress, sandals and a handbag too
It don't look right see, when he's walking down the street
To see his hand bag jiggin' to the beat of his feet

I said
Your First mate's got a handbag
Your First mate's got a handbag
Your First mate's got a handbag
That's right
Your First mate's got a handbag
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Postby Griffin on Sat Sep 09, 2006 9:33 pm

Oi be wantin ter book me act in but Oi ad nuffin ter do. But, Oi've jest bin watchin Last Night of the Poms an it giv me an idear bein as they dun the sea shanties like wot they do every year. Oi's remembered Oi as a certificate fer doin the Hornpipe at me dancin classes wen Oi was knee high ter a grasshopper. So Oi be sendin in me certificate an Oi opes ter ear that Oi'll be gettin the BBC Symphony Orchestra ter accompany me.
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Postby DaveL on Sat Sep 09, 2006 11:36 pm

YArrrr...

We might be able to squeeze in some more acts on Day 1. If yer don't mind goin on stage in front of 80,000 screamin blaggards, you're in.

Oi heards yer act will be called 'Griffin's Hornpipe Symphony' (or whatever yer like). The crowd will be needin a good change of pace after all those metal acts.

Welcome to the Arghh-stock Festival Griffin (and Orchestra!).
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Postby black bart on Sun Sep 10, 2006 6:58 pm

griffin wrote:

Last Night of the Poms


AAAAAARRGH...it brings a tear to me eye to see the union flag flyin amongst such merth...doomed ne'r to return to the sceptered Isle cos o me chosen career path. Shame the Albert All aint got sails and could come out to sea to entertain us poor Pirates...then we could rob the toffy nosed blighters! :fsm_yarr:
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Postby DaveL on Sat Jun 16, 2007 4:22 am

YArrrr...

Oi don't think we finished writing the concert. Bleedin promoters pulled the plug. Oi hears it might be back on the drawing boards...
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Postby PantyGnawer on Tue Mar 25, 2008 3:17 am

PG sneaks in and steals all your rum
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