ARGHHH-STOCK: THE PRELUDE
Yarrrrâ€¦Welcome to the Festival to end all festivalsâ€¦Arggghhh-stock. My name is Rockin Rod Carbuncle from PTV. Welcome to the day before the Big Event. Weâ€™ll be seeinâ€™ some well established acts, along with some new and exciting acts. The tension has been building both on and off the stage. The Scurvy Rex stadium, normally the home ground of the Piratica football team is being slowly filled with a different type of unruly violent bunch oâ€™thugsâ€¦the rock pundit! Yarrrrrrrâ€¦
The crowd has started descending upon Portsmouth, eager to be part of the Pirate hippy vibe thatâ€™ll be permatinâ€™ â€˜The Rexâ€™. Peace, Love and Piracy is what it all be about. There will be lots of acidâ€¦thatâ€™s citric acid around the ground, as we aim to end the worldâ€™s scurvy problem. In addition, as there be more pirates in one stadium ye can poke a stick at, we will â€˜ave a crack at ending global warminâ€™ as well.
A special mosh pit has been brought into the ground, complete with a full set of hoses to wash the blood, teeth and empty rum bottles. Portsmouth harbour is chock-o-block full of galleons parked inside. Watchout for those Royal Navy Parking Officers, the Blaggards are even bookin' the seagulls!
Well the final programme for Arghhh-stock has been released. Each band will be performinâ€™ two sets, although Oâ€™im not sure if half of â€˜em know the difference between 'tennis sets' and 'music sets'. Anyways, hereâ€™s a wrap of the planned line-up for those not in the know:
1. Polly and the Crackers â€“ a real novelty act, can 4 grown parrots really rock and sing in tune? Well probably good as Take-the Lot can!
2. Norman Greenplank â€“ Super fitness guru and bard genius, weaving a magic blend of poetry and pirate rock. A real treat for the beatnik pirates. Make sure you wear 'all black' and a beret to this one!
3. Tiddles and the Hellcats (with Jimmy Pageboy) â€“ making their debut appearance, pure feline evilness meets heavy metal. Tiddles will be singing all songs in the key of â€˜Miaow.â€™
4. Big Ronâ€™s Incredible Wind Band â€“ If Big Ron doesnâ€™t clear the mosh pit, nothing short of Black Bartâ€™s fish head stew concentrate will. Please no naked flames during this one. Big Ron will be performinâ€™ his Rock Operaâ€¦â€™Ronnyâ€™ â€“ the story of a deaf dumb and blind butcher that â€˜sure makes a mean chorizoâ€™.
5. Santa-arghhhh â€“ Boufant guitar player with flares, powering his way through some latino piratey numbers. Sponsored by Bart Enterprises, this master of guitar will scare even the most fashion conscious unconscious. Those platform shoes need there own parking spaces.
6. Aunty Blackbeard and guests from beyond - Ian Curtis, Kurt Cobain and Capn Cronan. Is the Scurvy Rex on dry land, cause it may sink. Better check the foundations. Aunty BBâ€™s friends have no shortage of after-world experience to call upon. Get ready to close the portalâ€¦â€™who you gonna call?â€™...
7. Take-the Lot â€“ If you thought Aunty Black beardâ€™s act was scary, check out these blokes! Piraticaâ€™s most famous boy band fronted by DaveL and Black Spot. Might be looking to hide behind the chicken wire early if the crowd are on the grog. These spandex clad honey drippers might just sway the wench population.
8. Pirates at Werke â€“ Oz_Nickâ€™s use of explosive and incendiary devices is sure to go off with a bang. Can their music do the same? I thought that naval battles took place at sea, not on stage. Yarrrrâ€¦
9. Blaggard Joey â€“ Can this man really pull more super model wenches than Mick Jagg-arrgh? The 'piano man' is aiming to cut loose, only this time on stage. Can someone tip a bucket of cold water over that bloke. Behave yerself Joey!!
10. Madame Fifiâ€™s Electric Can Can Ensemble â€“ With MFECCE your wildest male dreams are fulfilled. Just make sure you take yer heart medication first. They said theyâ€™d do what on stage?
11. Motarghh-head â€“ Loud and lewd , Singidunumâ€™s heavy rock band should incite nothing short of testosterone filled madness. Best wear a hard hat durinâ€™ this performance. The rum bottles will be flyin!
12. Jimi Arrghh-drix â€“ the worlds greatest concertina player hits Arghhh-stock. Will sing all his hits: â€˜Spanish Castle Plunderâ€™, â€˜Foxy Wenchyâ€™ and â€˜The Wind Cries Ronnyâ€™. Is that white smoke rollinâ€™ from his concertina, or is Capn Cronan just pleased to see me?
13. Brenda McTavish â€“ How will the big girl go down? Hopefully not crashing through the stage. Playbilgeâ€™s singing siren will send the lads into a frenzy. Just keep give her a good roast dinner before hand, so she donâ€™t wander off .
14. The All Stars â€“ How many pirate rock stars can fit on one stage is a mystery? How many rock clichÃ©s can we fit into one performance? All those egos on stage is bound to cause a few hissy fits. Bound to turn the most jaded pirate rock fan into an even more jaded rock fan.
So there you â€˜ave it. Weâ€™ll be coverinâ€™ Day 1 action in the near future. This be Rockin Rod Carbuncle from PTV singin off from the Arggghhh-stock Festival.