Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board Proceedings

[walktheplank]

..if Bart is guilty he will be demoted back to a swab with a vicious blaggard as his Cap'n. I will decide who that will be when I pronounce sentance.

In the meantime everyone looked at The Black Spot in the public gallary who...

[OZ_Nick]

Captain Jack: Yaaarrrrrr...errrr, umm...Ahem.


Captain Jack takes another sip from the grog and settles himself.

Captain Jack: The prescribed penalty for the charges against the defendant are as follows:

Charge 1: Making, distributing and selling a prohibited substance - a fine of 50 dubloons.

Charge 2: Breaking a promise of marriage - a stern warning not to get caught again.

Charge 3: Not settling a bill at an establishment run by a member of the Seamstress Guild - 100 Dubloons, plus settlement of the account and court costs

Charge 4: Being found sober on duty - 100 strokes from the cat o' nine tails, keelhauling, hanging from the yard arm, a fine of 10,000 dubloons, having your name struck from the official list of scurvey crew plus substituion of all CDs in your collection with vinyl Donovan records.

[black bart]

Ahha...Zis is clearly un case de Cherchez les femme. In our country we allow zis sort of thing...we are very...how you say...passionate dans notre pays. Mais you english are reserved in ze hotel room of Portsmouth...zis Madame Fifi...is she actually French?

[The Meromorph]

Ahha...Zis is clearly un case de Cherchez les femme. In our country we allow zis sort of thing...we are very...how you say...passionate dans notre pays. Mais you english are reserved in ze hotel room of Portsmouth...zis Madame Fifi...is she actually French?

Well...
She certainly gets a lot of letters from there.

[black bart]

Ahem...yes, yes, very amusin.

Your honour I move that we break for lunch...if the court clerks could be so good as to pass around the Lunch menu:

[OZ_Nick]

Captain Jack peruses the menu...

Captain Jack: Hmmm, let me see, shall I have a No 12 Crispy Weevils with bilge-scum sauce, or maybe a No 7 Gnocci with over-ripe Limberger gratin, no wait, what's this? No 31. DaveL's Piscatorial Cranium Casserole a'la Barrte, sounds delicious!

I'll have a double serve of No 31, please Mr Clerk or the Court.

Captain Jack sits back with a look of eager anticipation on his face. He almost notices Oz_Nick trying to get his attention from the back row of the courtroom, but his mind is distracted by thoughts of how can he get people to contribute suitable bribes into his new "Charity Funde Community Chest".

[Griffin]

And while the Cap'n be awaiting his tucker, he broke into song:

When I, good friends, was called to the bar,
I'd an appetite fresh and hearty.
But I was, as many young barristers are,
An impecunious party.

I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue--
And a brief which I bought of a booby--
A couple of shirts, and a collar or two,
And a ring that looked like a ruby!

At Westminster Hall I danced a dance,
Like a semi-despondent fury;
For I thought I never should hit on a chance
Of addressing a British Jury--
But I soon got tired of third-class journeys,
And dinners of bread and water;
So I fell in love with a rich attorney's
Elderly, ugly daughter.


The rich attorney, he jumped with joy,
And replied to my fond professions:
"You shall reap the reward of your pluck, my boy,
At the Bailey and Middlesex sessions.
You'll soon get used to her looks," said he,
"And a very nice girl you will find her!
She may very well pass for forty-three
In the dusk, with a light behind her!"

The rich attorney was good as his word;
The briefs came trooping gaily,
And every day my voice was heard
At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey.
All thieves who could my fees afford
Relied on my orations.
And many a burglar I've restored
To his friends and his relations.

At length I became as rich as the Gurneys--
An incubus then I thought her,
So I threw over that rich attorney's
Elderly, ugly daughter.
The rich attorney my character high
Tried vainly to disparage---
And now, if you please, I'm ready to try
This Breach of Promise of Marriage!

Strange to say, as he sang out, heartily, that last refrain, Bart was nowhere to be seen.

[black bart]

Let me try that one again your honourness - Let us break for a very special lunch provided by Dave n Pirgella:

[The Black Spot]

Captain Jack was getting impatient by this time.

"If you don't let me see that menu soon..." he drew his finger across his throat.

Things were looking blacker than ever for the computer illiterate Bart.

[The Black Spot]

Captain Jack saw the menu at last.

"Hmmm..." he said. "I'll just have a plate of sandwiches".

When the tray of sandwiches arrived, Captain Jack nibbled at the corner of one. His mouth was instantly filled with the thick, oily taste of uinidentifiable meat in a snotty, anonomous sauce. He spat it across the room.

"You Fiend!" he yelled. "This is the infamous platter of Redde Cowe sandwiches!"

He took a huge swig of grog in a vain attempt to rid his mouth of the evil, nausiating stickiness.

"Bring DaveL in front of me at once!"

[OZ_Nick]

Oz_Nick approached the bench.

OZ_Nick (sotto voce): Yer Honourishness Ser, If Oi may be so bold as to propose that Oi make a small donashun to yer eminence's new Charertee Funde on be'alf o' me team-mate and Piratica's captain DaveL, 'e bein' vital ter our upcomin World Cup match wiv Italy. 'E always says 'e be in favor o' goode werkes an' all that.

Captain Jack looked thoughtfully at Oz_Nick and said...

[walktheplank]

..."are ye trying to bribe a senior Judge Oz_Nick. I am a man of honour, I cannot be bought by a low life pirate. Approach the bench so I can determine the appropriate punishment".

Oz_Nick appraoched the bench and Captain Jack whispered in his ear. "It will cost you 100 silver dubloons and an annual pass to Fifi's". Then loudly to the court "Take this man away, he is not welcome in my courtroom again, this case is adjourned, I need to go and get some".....

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Fergive's me your honour. Pir-gella and I 'ave been 'avin a few supplier disputes of late. Our last Red Cow shipment was plundered off the Coast of Gibraltar by an evil cat named Tiddles and a crew of Bilge Rats. We were forced to buy supplies from the black market for 10 times the price.

Tiddles was in my employ for a short toime before we terminated his services. His glowin' red eyes and satanic evil-ness were puttin' the customers of their wobbly blanc manges.

[black bart]

I put to the jury that Bart be released on grounds of:

'Deminished Responsibility'...

The poor lad was brought up on a diet such as this, this, vile platter of unidentifiable sludge.

His father often beat him within an inch of his life...

His mother beat his father quite often at Rugby!

He is decended from a family of unspeakable cutthroats and villains...

He is so computer illiterate he still uses an Amstrad!

There is even a rumour that he is a member of that imfamous Pirate Football team...gulp, Piratica...

*Moans of astonishment and terror break out from the jury*

...and yet, yer honour, this poor lad has tried to put all this behind him...

He has tried to better himself against all the odds...

He has his own ship and a string of Egon Ronay rated restaurants ( cries of 'Rated as Dangerous to human life' from Egon Ronay who has been brought in as a prosecution witness).

[Griffin]

At that his Worshipful felt the need to clarify some other aspects of the charges and burst into song:

In the course of my career
As a Judex, sitting here,
Never, never, I declare,
Have I seen a maid so fair!

See her sinking on her knees
In the Court of Common Pleas –
Place your briefs upon the shelf
I will marry her myself!

Bart struggled with his peg leg but eventually managed to produce some rather evil undergarment - and the court was cleared in a hurry.