FIFA WORLD CUP FINAL: PIRATICA V FRANCE (EXTRA TIME)
So with the teams level after 90 minutes of pulsating action, the destiny of the World Cup will be decided in the next 30 minutes with the potential for yet another penalty shoot out. Neither side make any changes as the game restarts.
91.12 Danger for Piratica as Henry races through the defence, however Oz_Nick spots the danger from 50 yards away and with a long stride from his one good leg catches up with Henry and hoofs the ball out of the ground.
94.01 The World Cup organisers receive a phone call from a Mr Olafson in Stockholm who claims that a world cup ball has fallen from the sky and broken his greenhouse.
97.22: Crowd trouble. Sir Francis Drake is facing a new threat as the French fans attack his army with a barrage of snails. Sir Francis Drake then opens up a huge pot and the smell of Fish Head stew wafts over the crowd.
99.55 With the spectators dieing in their thousands from the rancid smell of Fish Head Stew, Piratica go on the attack, a cross from Walk the Plank is met by the head of Black Bart who crashes the ball against the barâ€¦.The bar in question being situated two km away in downtown Berlin.
101.31. Dave L is seen having a debate with Henry on French Nuclear testing in the South Pacific. Henry being your typical thick footballer doesnâ€™t even know where the South Pacific is.
104.17 A fine run by Ribery is brought to an abrupt end when the Black Spot rakes his cutlass down the back of his legs. Ribery falls to the floor crying in pain and is booked for diving by the referee.
105.00 It is still goalless as the first period of extra time comes to an end.
106.22 First chance of the 2nd half goes to Henry as a 30-yard screamer hits the top of the bar and bounces out of play. Seconds later a crunching tackle by Dave L leaves Henry in a heap on the pitch. The referee waves away the medics carrying stretchers and calls for a body bag.
109.22 Singidunumâ€™s chainsaw misses its intended target of Makelele and it is Teripie requesting a replacement leg from the bench.
112.55 Suddenly Zidane in a moment of madness races up to Dr Otis Lansa and head butts him viciously. It is not clear what provoked the attack but Zidane was heard saying â€œI am not French my parents are Algerian, donâ€™t you dare call me French, I have never eaten Frogs legs in my lifeâ€. However, Zidaneâ€™s reckless challenge on the Piratica goalkeeper catches Dr Otis Lansa on his Hook and rips a huge hole in Zidaneâ€™s head. The referee races up to what is left of Zidane and brandishes a red card.
116.38 Dave L goes up field for a rare Piratica corner, on his return he is furious to discover his supply of Rum has been pinched by Gallas. The hapless Gallas is then seen leaving the pitch in a body bag.
120.00 Extra Time ends in a 0-0 draw and the game goes to a Penalty shoot out, not before Vieira and Makelele are fed to the crocodiles by The Black Spot.
Before the Penalty Shoot out commences the surviving French players (4 of them) run off the pitch and out of the stadium chased by The Black Spot wielding an axe. FIFA then agree to the request made by the French Football Association that their players can be replaced by famous French people in the crowd. Gerard Depardieu is chosen as the goalkeeper and the selected penalty takers are Brigitte Bardou, Audrey Tautou, Michel Roux, Charles Aznavour and Jacques Chirac.
PENALTY SHOOT OUT
Piratica 0 France 0 â€“ Walk the Plankâ€™s hits his penalty inside the right hand post. Depardieu makes a fine diving stop with his nose and pushes it past the post
Piratica 0 France 0 â€“ Brigitte Bardot picks up the ball to ensure that it is not made out of any living creature. The referee rules that as she has touched the ball it counts as a missed penalty.
Piratica 0 France 0 â€“ Dave L crashes the ball over the bar, his attention distracted by Michel Roux and Black Bart arguing about the different methods of cooking Fish Head Stew.
Piratica 0 France 1 â€“ Audrey Tautou scores in the corner not in the least bit distracted by a drunken Dave L attempting to look up her skirt.
Piratica 0 France 1 â€“ Oz_Nickâ€™s remaining peg leg gives away as he strikes the ball and the ball runs gently into the arms of Depardieu
Piratica 0 France 1 â€“ Michel Roux still arguing with Black Bart about Fish Head stew refuses to kick the ball unless he is given better material to work with. The referee rules it as a miss.
Piratica 0 France 1 â€“ The Black Spot tries his normal trick of trying to dribble the ball around the keeper, however Depardieu again gets his nose in the way to prevent the ball going into the goal.
Piratica 0 France 1 - Charles Aznavourâ€™s penalty is as bad as his singing, his penalty flying over the top of the cross bar.
Piratica 1 France 1 â€“ Swatopluk smacks the ball into the top corner and shows the rest of his team how to take a penalty.
Piratica 1 France 1 â€“ The final penalty is taken by Jacques Chirac who approaches Dr Otis Lansa and hands him a brown evelope. Dr Otis Lansa then vacates the goal allowing Chirac to strike the ball into the empty net thus winning the World Cup for France.
So France have won the World Cup but the stench of corruption hangs in the air as putrid as Black Bartâ€™s Fish head Stew. As Gerard Depardieu lifts the Jules Rimet trophy in the air a chorus of boos descends from the stands from the disappointed Piratica fans who at least had the satisfaction of wiping out 20â€™000 French Football fans.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.