Captain Bungo and The Lost Library of Los Windos
Many years after the Spanish Conquistador Hernan Cortez had wiped the Aztec Empire off the map we sailed to South America in search of Eldorado.
The Captain's Log
Jungle to the left, swamps to the right, men falling to the left and right, some from poisoned darts but most from the worst case of the shits I've ever seen...we should never have eaten those fishy Tacos!
How did Cortez do it?
Discovered the skeleton of an old conquistador which seemed to be pointing the way to Eldorado with it's bony outstretched arm. A sign sticking out of the skeleton's teeth read:
'This way to The Land that Time forgot...Don't eat the fishy tacos or the gristle sandwiches.'
At last we emerged from the terrible jungle onto a plateau. Here we found an amazing 'land that time forgot.' The villagers had never seen a white man and it was clear they had the blood of Montezuma running in their veins...as unfortunately did most of my men after eating those tacos!
The villagers offered us a day trip to Cancun including lunch and all the cocktails we could drink. The men were up for it but I reminded them we had come for GOLD and Riches beyond our wildest dreams!
I cannot understand why Cortez treated this people with such cruelty, they are wonderful hosts and have promised to show us their secret temple...which surely must be where they keep the GOLD!
The villagers put on a display of exotic nude dancing. The grace and elegance of the dance was only matched by the flowing silky hair...all down their backs, none on their heads.
I asked chief Tescoquetzaltaco: "Are the women as graceful?"
"These ARE the women. They are bald so they can wear 'The Wigs of the great god Walkatoplanktl Tomorrow we will wear the sacred wigs."
"That's lovely" said I, "when can we see the GOLD...er...the secret temple?"
That night I could hardly sleep...tomorrow we would get the Gold! Why oh why did Cortez destroy this wonderful civilization?
Chief Tescoquetzaltaco led us up into the mountains. The villagers were all bedecked with the most outlandish wigs I've ever seen. The procession came to a halt high above the village and there, set into the living rock, were two Great doors carved with elaborate Aztec figures. With the sounding of a great Aztec horn and by some mechanism unseen, the huge doors opened.
"Behold the Temple of Walkatoplanktl cried the chief. "We have saved all this from the murderous hands of the Spanish invaders."
"Marvelous." said I, and the men and I rushed in to grab the Gold.
Inside the mountain was a fantastic hall, with stone pillars and galleries, lit by huge torches. I could see no gold but on the walls were rank after rank of stone shelves covered in countless thousands of books.
I couldn't believe it, the legends were true...we had found 'The Lost Library of Los Windos'...
I picked up one of the books and began reading:
...Fernando vowed to escape and crept on to the deck having sighted an Island in the distance. However, he fell over a large object on the floor it was Spot himself who had gorged himself on Rum. Spot woke up enraged and threw poor Fernando overboard there and then. Surrounded by Sharks Fernando thought his number was up but before they could attack him a small blue dolphin appeared and suddenly the sharks scattered. The dolphin made a sign for Fernando to get on its back and he was carried to the Island he had spotted earlier...
Luckily, the chief roused me from my sudden torpor...
"small blue frickin dolphin!"
I turned to Tescoquetzaltacky and asked: "How many more of these books have you got on these shelves?" and he replied "150,000 all written by the hand of the great god Walkatoplanktl"
I turned to my men and said "Kill them, kill them all...and burn the frickin library to the ground!"
Our search for the Gold continued, although we now do a nice line in exotic wigs.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.