Yaaarrrggghhh! Yodaaarrrggghhh not be much to look at, but 'e be one o' the fiercest pirates oi ever met, if not the
fiercest. 'E were old. Very old. But 'e could take on a Kraken wiv one 'and, so 'e could. Oi were polishing me 'ook today and it remoinded me ter come 'ere an' finish me story what oi started...Return o’ the Pirates (aka Pirate ‘Arvest)
It 'ad been several months o' plannin' after we'd decided to rescue Hook Solo when we came ter the operayshun itself. Durin’ this toime, oi practised the arts o’ the pirate that Pirate Master Yodaaarrrggghhh ‘ad taught me until oi were almost as good as ‘e were. Oi ‘ad also lost me farther’s sword when me ‘and ‘ad been chopped off, so oi ‘ad to make a new one, as is tradition among the pirates. It were very much like me father’s, but ‘ad a green gem on the ‘ilt instead of the blue one that ‘is ‘ad. The preperations took a long toime, but we were finally ready ter go.
The two deck'ands went to the brothel o' the Pirate Lord, who called 'imself Pirate Hutt and sold illegal pizza outta the back streets o' Piratooine, wiv a message from me sayin' that oi'd gladly trade 'em in fer Hook Solo. Oi knew that 'e would not accept it straight away, as Pirissian were already in the brothel as a bodyguard (some o' them customers were nasty toipes). After me deck'ands 'ad gone in, the Pirate Princess went there in disguise, but she 'ad taken Piracca with 'er. She told Pirate Hutt that she 'ad caught 'im an’ wanted the reward. She stayed there that noight and was ter try an' get Hook Solo outta the brothel before oi got there. When it got ter midnoight, oi realised that she 'ad failed an' were caught! It were then me job ter go in there in the mornin' ter rescue 'em all.
Oi got there in the mornin', an' 'ad ter use me pirate skills ter get past the guards. Slimy buggers they were, aaarrrggghhh. Oi were in front o' the Pirate Lord 'imslef an' oi pleaded me case fer gettin' Hook Solo back. The Pirate Princess were chained up in front o' 'im, wearin' nuthin' but a metal bikini. She looked amazin', but oi knew that 'er an' Hook Solo were in love, so oi didn't look too much. There were somethin' else stoppin’ me lookin’ as well, but it were at the back o' me moind an' oi didn't know what it were. Anyway, oi didn’t realise that Pirate Hutt ‘ad a trapdoor leadin’ to a secret chamber, an’ that oi were standin’ on it. ‘E pulled a lever an’ the floor below me gave way, droppin’ me inter some water. Oi ‘eard a gate liftin’, an’ there it was. A Giant Orthocone
! A nasty beast o’ the sea. It came fer me with speed, but oi ducked outta the way in toime to avoid it an’ ‘id under a crease in some rocks. It lunged fer me again, so oi ‘it its tentacles with a rock an’ it fell back. Oi made a run fer it, but it caught me an’ started ter pull me towards its mouth. Just as oi were about ter be eaten, oi used me ‘ook to attack it an’ it dropped me. Oi ran into its lair and started ter close the gate just as it were comin’ through, trappin’ an’ killin’ it. Needless ter say, Pirate Hutt were not too pleased, so ‘e took us all out to ‘is ship ter feed us to the Kraken.
We sailed out ter the Kraken’s lair and were made to stand near the plank. We were all there except the deck’ands, who Pirate Hutt ‘ad underestimated. Oi ‘ad ‘idden me sword in one o’ the deck’ands’ fake arms. Just as oi jumped off the plank, oi turned around an’ grabbed it, flingin’ meself up inter the air. The deck’and then threw me sword inter the air an’ I caught it. A great swordfight then ensued. It were long an’ bloody, but we managed to jump overboard inter a waitin’ skiff, just after the other deck’and set loight to one o’ the gunpowder barrels. As we sailed away fer the shore, there were an almighty exploshun, an’ Pirate Hutt’s ship sank inter the sea, takin’ all ‘ands with ‘er. We got back to the shore an’ went to our own ships. Piracca, Pirissian, the Pirate Princess and Hook Solo went to the Mighty Falcon, but oi went to me own small ship, The Cross’air’s Wing
, with the intent o’ goin’ back to see Pirate Master Yodaaarrrggghhh an’ completin’ me pirate trainin’.
Oi got ter Degobaaarrrggghhh, but the Pirate Master were very ill, an’ ‘e said that ‘e were dying. Oi said that oi ‘ad come back ter complete me trainin’, but ‘e told me oi didn’t ‘ave ter train any more. Were it true that oi be a real pirate now? Oi asked ‘im if Darth Pirader were me farther, an’ ‘e told me that it were true. Oi ‘ad known it were true from me pirate feelin’s, but there were somethin’ else there as well. Yodaaarrrggghhh died there in front o’ me oies. Oi felt sad, but knew that ‘e were now with more strippers an’ grog than ‘e could ever ‘andle. Oi went outside ‘is ‘ome an’ the ghost o’ Pirate Master Kenobi appeared before me. Oi asked ‘im about this feelin’ that oi ‘ad, an’ ‘e told me that oi ‘ad a sister. It were then that oi realised that the Pirate Princess were me sister. Imagine me shock, an’ after me oglin’ ‘er in that loverly metal bikini. Oi wish oi ‘adn’t taken photos now! ‘E told me that we were twins, an’ we ‘ad to be ‘idden from our farther or we’d be workin’ fer the government. Oi understood. Oi needed to confront me farther again. There were still some pirate left in ‘im, oi’d felt it when we fought back in the moine. Oi left that place feelin’ troubled, yet now knowin’ what oi ‘ad ter do.
When oi got back to the pirate ‘oideout, oi found out that the governmint ‘ad made another Death Ship, this toime much bigger than the first, an’ without the failin’s of it. We ‘ad a big meetin’ with all the pirates, where we found out that our spies ‘ad managed ter get the plans ter this behemoth. Many bothersome pirates died to bring ‘em ter us, so we pored over ‘em ter foind another weakness, loike the exhaust port’ole on the first one. We soon realised that this ship were runnin’ on steam from burnin’ oil, an’ that there be a gap leadin’ straight to the engine an’ the oil, as it were still under construction. Not only that, but we found out that the Emperaaarrrggghhh, Supreme Governer Palpatine, were to be on the ship to oversee the last stages o’ the construction. This made a cheer go up, as we realised we were about to possibly destroy the governmint. The ship were docked off an island called Endaaarrrggghhh. Me, the Pirate Princess, Hook Solo, Piracca an’ a small team were to go on a stolen governmint sloop an’ infiltrate the island. When we were there, we were to destroy the governmint barracks on it ter allow the pirate fleet, led by Pirissian, ter come in an’ destroy the Death Ship. Little did we know that our plans were not goin’ ter go exactly the way we wanted…
We managed ter get to the island an’ foind the barracks, but it were ‘eavily guarded. We ‘ad made friends with the local pigmies on the island, an’ they told us about a back door, but we would ‘ave ter wait ‘til the mornin’ to toime ourselves for when the fleet arrived. That noight, oi ‘ad a funny feelin’ that me farther were on the island, an’ oi knew that oi ‘ad to go to ‘im an’ face ‘im. The Princess Pirate sensed that oi were troubled, an’ asked me what were wrong, so oi said to ‘er “Do ye remember yer mother?” “Not much,” she replied. “Oi don’t remember moine,” oi told ‘er. Oi told ‘er that Darth Pirader were me farther, an’ that ‘e were on the island. Oi told ‘er that oi ‘ad to face ‘im, an’ she tried ter stop me. Oi told ‘er that she could be a good pirate one day, but she didn’t accept that, sayin’ that she could never be a pirate loike me. Oi were soilent fer a moment, then said “The Pirate Code runs deep in me family. Me farther ‘as it, oi ‘ave it, an’ me…sister ‘as it!”. She looked at me an’ suddenly realoised what oi were talkin’ about. We were family! Oi left ‘er shortly afterwards so oi could turn meself inter the governmint. Oi were brought to ‘im. The guards left us alone, an’ oi spoke to ‘im. “’Ello farther”, oi said. ‘E replied to me in a funny way, sayin’ “So you have accepted the truth then, my son”. “Only the truth that you were once me farther, Piratekin Seaswimmer,” oi replied to ‘im. “That name is of no consequence to me now,” ‘e said. ‘E looked at me sword, an’ admired it, sayin’ “The Emperor was right. You are indeed powerful, as he has foreseen”. Oi tried ter convince ‘im ter come with me an’ leave the governmint, takin’ up ‘is ‘ole mantle o’ pirate, but ‘e refused. ‘E called the guards back in, an’ oi were taken to the Death Ship to ‘ave an audience with the Emporaaarrrggghhh.
When we got to the Death Ship, the Emporaaarrrggghhh tried ter get me ter attack ‘im with me sword, but oi knew that ‘e were tryin’ ter get me ter join the governmint, somthin’ oi’d never do. ‘E told me that the governmint’s fleet were on the other side o’ the island, waitin’ fer the pirate fleet to come. Oi were shocked. The pirate fleet then turned up an’ they started their attack on the Death Ship when the governmint fleet came around the island. There were confusion an’ everythin’, with ships everywhere. Oi ‘ad managed to keep me pirate ways until ‘e ordered the gunners to foire on the pirate fleet. Oi grabbed me sword an’ went to strike ‘im down, but Darth Pirader stopped me. Oi then started to foight ‘im in the Emperaaarrrggghhh’s chamber, jumpin’ about an’ parryin’ ‘is blows as oi were taught. Oi ‘ad beaten ‘im back an’ then oi got lucky. Oi managed to cut ‘is ‘and off, loike ‘e did moine. It were then that oi realoised that oi were goin’ to turn out loike ‘im if oi carried on. Oi threw me sword away an’ told the Emperaaarrrggghhh that oi werent’ goin’ to foight me farther any more. ‘E walked over to a strange barrel an’ said ter me, “So be it. Pirate!”. ‘E put ‘is ‘and in the barrel an’ came out with a helctric eel. ‘E threw it at me an’ oi fell to the ground in pain. ‘E kept on throwin’ ‘em at me as oi wroithed on the floor in pain. Oi implored me farther ter ‘elp me. Oi could sense that ‘e were torn between me an’ the Emperaaarrrggghhh until ‘e made ‘is decision. ‘E picked up the Emperaaarrrggghhh an’ threw ‘im inter the pit o’ the Kraken where ‘e died. Me farther ‘ad been electrocuted when ‘e picked up the Emperaaarrrggghhh, an’ ‘e were dyin’. ‘E told me that ‘e were a pirate again, an’ that oi ‘ad shown ‘im the true way. ‘E passed away, so oi took ‘is body an’ placed it onto a rowboat, sailin’ back ter the island ter bury ‘im.
Unbeknownst ter me, whoilst oi were on the Death Ship, the pirates sneaked around the back o’ the barracks an’ found only a few guards, so they went in an’ started to lay the dynamite, but they were caught. The pigmies came ter their rescue, an’ a good ‘ole foight started, which were eventually won, although not without losses on all soides. They ‘ad destroyed the barracks an’ allowed the fleet the toime to attack the Death Ship. The fleet attacked all at once, which allowed Pirissian the toime to get a cannon ball inter the gap an’ up ter the engine with the oil. Luckily, oi ‘ad left it just before Pirissian ‘ad fired ‘is mighty cannon an’ destroyed the Death Ship once an’ fer all.
There were much celebratin’ on the island with the pygmies that noight. We ‘ad grog, strippers, pasta, an’ we sung old sea shanties all noight. The governmint ‘ad been destroyed, an’ we ‘ad foinally won!
Oi know this be a long ‘ole tale, but it be true. Oi am proud ter be a pirate!