The Wench and the Ball CockA Seaman Staines Story
T’was a dark and stormy night and Big Agnes the barmaid of The Pickled Pilchard Inn peered out o the shutters at the gloomy Portsmouth Road.
The Pickled Pilchard was miles from anywhere, perched on a cliff top overlooking the bay so Agnes jumped near out of her skin when there was a banging at the door (she usually charged 6 pence for a banging in the cellar
Suddenly the Inn door was flung wide open and framed against the Stormy Sky was...
But Agnes had never seen a plumber like this before. He wore a large tricorn hat, a patch oe’r one eye, he had a peg leg, and he spoke English!
‘Arrrr,’ said the plumber ‘I’ve come about thee, er...Ball Cock.’
Suspicious, Agnes asked to see this, er, plumber’s tool box (this bein years before Corgi registration and the like).
Sure enough the Pirate, sorry, the plumber, produced a set of convincing tools from his nap sack and Agnes led him upstairs to the cistern.
‘Arrr’, said the plumber ‘where be thee stop cock?’
‘Half an hour for thruppence’ said Agnes
‘Arrr, belay, I be a sailor, how does I switch orf thee water ye daft wench?’
Agnes showed the plumber how to turn off the water and the fellar went to work.
The storm raged outside and Agnes sat down at the fireplace with a hot toddy. Half an hour later Agnes let Todd out through the back door just in time because the Landlord Seaman Staines returned unexpectedly from a business trip to Portsmouth.
‘Where’s me dinner?’ demanded Staines, ‘I be all wet and I need something hot inside me’.
“I fink that was my line’, said Agnes...’I gave your dinner to thee plumber who’s fixing your Ball Cock’.
‘BALL COCK?’ said Staines his eyes glaring, ‘PLUMBER?’
Suddenly the plumber appeared at the doorway with a huge loaded pistol leveled at Staines’s head...
‘God elp us’ cried Staines ‘That aint no plumber...Tis none other than Black Eyed Pete, the infamous Pirate n Buccaneering Cutthroat Rapper!!!!”
‘Arrr,’ said Black Eyed Pete, ‘Hand over thee Treasure Staines, or I really will fix your ball cock.’
Terrified Staines led the Pirate down to the celler where his treasure chest lay...
The Pirate opened up the chest which seemed to be full of rubbish...so Black Eyed Pete said:
What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)
‘There’s no need for that’ said Staines, ‘Here in the bottom of the trunk is...
As quick as a flash he pulled out a cutlass and ran Black Eyed Pete through.
‘Agnes, bury him with the rest o the blaggards wot ave tried to steal me treasure...did he manage to fix the ball cock by the way?’
‘Aye master, the privy be flushing like a maid on heat...talkin o which Black Eyed Pete left his plunger in me quarters...will it be alright if I use it to unblock me U Bend?’
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.