Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart on Fri May 29, 2009 3:23 am

Arrr be it truly ye Henereee ye Welsh git?

Is ye still governor o Jamaica?
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby Detective TurtleHolmes on Fri May 29, 2009 5:50 pm

That was a lubberly tale, Bart. Oi see Lafitte be back!
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby henry morgan on Fri May 29, 2009 8:34 pm

[quote="black bart"]Arrr be it truly ye Henereee ye Welsh git?

Is ye still governor o Jamaica?[/quote]

ya course jammaica is mai hawme.
beeteful plaic u no. worm, cam,
a mosly pirate enhabitat.
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart on Sat May 30, 2009 3:19 pm

Arrr well done Henery...an how be them Jamaican wenches now? :lech:
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby Detective TurtleHolmes on Sun May 31, 2009 1:21 am

As sultry as the sea floore, or so oi've herd.
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart on Mon Jun 01, 2009 7:53 am

The Wench and the Ball Cock

A Seaman Staines Story

T’was a dark and stormy night and Big Agnes the barmaid of The Pickled Pilchard Inn peered out o the shutters at the gloomy Portsmouth Road.

The Pickled Pilchard was miles from anywhere, perched on a cliff top overlooking the bay so Agnes jumped near out of her skin when there was a banging at the door (she usually charged 6 pence for a banging in the cellar :lech: ).

Suddenly the Inn door was flung wide open and framed against the Stormy Sky was...

A Plumber!

But Agnes had never seen a plumber like this before. He wore a large tricorn hat, a patch oe’r one eye, he had a peg leg, and he spoke English!

‘Arrrr,’ said the plumber ‘I’ve come about thee, er...Ball Cock.’

Suspicious, Agnes asked to see this, er, plumber’s tool box (this bein years before Corgi registration and the like).

Sure enough the Pirate, sorry, the plumber, produced a set of convincing tools from his nap sack and Agnes led him upstairs to the cistern.

‘Arrr’, said the plumber ‘where be thee stop cock?’

‘Half an hour for thruppence’ said Agnes

‘Arrr, belay, I be a sailor, how does I switch orf thee water ye daft wench?’

Agnes showed the plumber how to turn off the water and the fellar went to work.

The storm raged outside and Agnes sat down at the fireplace with a hot toddy. Half an hour later Agnes let Todd out through the back door just in time because the Landlord Seaman Staines returned unexpectedly from a business trip to Portsmouth.

‘Where’s me dinner?’ demanded Staines, ‘I be all wet and I need something hot inside me’.

“I fink that was my line’, said Agnes...’I gave your dinner to thee plumber who’s fixing your Ball Cock’.

‘BALL COCK?’ said Staines his eyes glaring, ‘PLUMBER?’

Suddenly the plumber appeared at the doorway with a huge loaded pistol leveled at Staines’s head...

‘God elp us’ cried Staines ‘That aint no plumber...Tis none other than Black Eyed Pete, the infamous Pirate n Buccaneering Cutthroat Rapper!!!!”

‘Arrr,’ said Black Eyed Pete, ‘Hand over thee Treasure Staines, or I really will fix your ball cock.’

Terrified Staines led the Pirate down to the celler where his treasure chest lay...

The Pirate opened up the chest which seemed to be full of rubbish...so Black Eyed Pete said:

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps (Check it out)

‘There’s no need for that’ said Staines, ‘Here in the bottom of the trunk is...

As quick as a flash he pulled out a cutlass and ran Black Eyed Pete through.

‘Agnes, bury him with the rest o the blaggards wot ave tried to steal me treasure...did he manage to fix the ball cock by the way?’

‘Aye master, the privy be flushing like a maid on heat...talkin o which Black Eyed Pete left his plunger in me quarters...will it be alright if I use it to unblock me U Bend?’
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby Roy Hunter on Mon Jun 01, 2009 8:09 am

Remarkable. Where do you find your inspiration, I have to wonder?
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby pieces o'nine on Mon Jun 01, 2009 8:29 pm

'Tis best knot t' ax.
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby Detective TurtleHolmes on Mon Jun 01, 2009 11:58 pm

Remarrkably, oi would loike ta nose as weil.
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart on Tue Jun 02, 2009 3:18 am

It was all Roy's fault...ye can't go sayin things loik 'Twas a Dark and Stormy Night...' (in games n fun) an expect me not to start himaginin all sorts o Cronan loik scenarios.
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart on Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:13 am

The Tale o the Cursed Parrot o DOOOOOOOM

(A Captain Black Jock McStrap Story)

T’was a dark and stormy night, Cap’n Black Jock McStrap was alone in his crow’s nest at eight bells..

Suddenly a strange parrot was blown onto the ship by the storm, which was seen as a good luck omen by some, a portent of doom by others, and potentially a jolly good meal by the cabin boy.

‘Cap’n Black Jock McStrap, what shall we do wiv the strange bird?’ asked the First Mate...we aint had nuffin but weevil infested biscuits to eat for two weeks an the men are revoltin...

Captain Black Jock McStrap stared down his mutinous crew with a steely Scottish eye...

‘Och by the steel o me Claymore ye’ll ne’r touch that bird or I’ll Keel Haul the lot o ye. Och aye!!! That bird will bring us luck...tis Green wiv white stripes the colour o Scotland’s greatest football team...’

‘But Cap’n’, said the First Mate, ‘Scotland ave nivver won anything at football...the parrot will bring us naught but DOOOOOOOM!’

Bang...Black Jock shot his first mate.

Two minutes later the ship struck a rock and Cap’n Jock and his remainin crew were marooned on a tiny desert island with one solitary tree in the middle, no water and surrounded by hungry sharks.

Still Cap’n Jock wouldn’t let a feather of his parrot be harmed...

By the morning half the crew were found dead with their throats cut and the other half, starving and dying of thirst, surrounded the Captain and his parrot with their cutlasses drawn.

Just as the crew were about to despatch the Captain, the Green and White parrot flew into a rage and pecked them all to death.

‘Well done Parrot’ said Cap’n Jock, ‘Ye’ve saved me life and saved me a fortune in wages, now fly off and fetch help.

Two days later the parrot returned in a boat full of beautiful island girls and rescued Captain Jock.

Celtic won the Champions League, Andy Murray won Wimbledon and David Coulthard came out of retirement to win the Formula One World Championship...

Suddenly the ship lurched on a big wave and Captain Jock fell out of his hammock and woke up, his head throbbing from a gallon o rancid grog...

A Bilge Rat stared at him from the cabin table, the terrifed cabin boy peeped at him from behind a barrel o Fish Head Stew and a loud voice said: Lepers off the Starboard Bow Cap’n shall we ask them for water again...
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby Roy Hunter on Tue Jun 30, 2009 7:43 am

black bart wrote:Celtic won the Champions League, Andy Murray won Wimbledon and David Coulthard came out of retirement to win the Formula One World Championship...
Call that far-fetched? Partick Thistle winning the Champions' League, now that's far-fetched...
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks.
"To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine.
"One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln.
"If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart on Tue Jun 30, 2009 7:56 am

:haha:

I forgot about them...they'll have to do better than losing 4-0 to Dundee!

Get em a lucky parrot I say.
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby Calico Jack on Tue Jun 30, 2009 8:12 am

Jack lucky parrot!!!!

Bring luck to all!!!!
Specially pretty girl penguin and manly twin penguins!!!

ACKK!!!

Kiss me you fool, kiss me.
Jack got all yer wemmin!!!!
Who Jack pay???
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Re: Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

Postby black bart on Wed Jul 01, 2009 6:01 am

Who left me cabin window open again! :furious:
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