Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

[black bart]

Arrrr, I think ye means Cronan-magnon matey.

[DaveL]

Aargh, no need ta worry, matey. It be there.

It was a little bit cro-magnon iffen ye arsk me, though. But oi ain't a geologist.

Arghhhhh...

There be a few anthropology majors though. I hears they are good at swabbing decks.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Aargh, oi'll 'ave to invistigate that... mebbe they've got some mysteries!

[pieces o'nine]

Cronan's Curlers!

Oi be gone fer a few days an returns t'foind that Detecktiv Capn TurtleHolmes be ritin pyrate fanfic -- an' Marty Stu fanfic at that.

Wot 'as 'appened t'ye, lads!!!

[Rev. Rowan Redbeard]

Did ye miss out on the Great Cap Caper?

[pieces o'nine]

Oi were 'ere ter hinappropirately touch a banner an' then change hit back.
But ye lot 'ave bin busy sins then!

An wot thee bleedin' 'ell 'as 'appened t'er Mad Will!

Oi've 'eard as luv be blind, but def and dumb, too? Hit be a sad day ter sail back inter Portsmuff, lads.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Aargh, welcome back.

Regardin' Mad Will, the blaggard be not only bloind, deaf an' dumb, but illiterate (not te menshin illegitimate) too.

[black bart]

Aaaaargh...I be gettin worried about Planky's latest Long Winded Tale...it must be yards long by now!!!

[Afro Spaulding]

Ahoy me arties, too much of this ere jocularity and o'il keep spillin me tot a rum

O'i may have to avast meself from reddin these ere stories (Avast bein a short naval word for stop)

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

Ahoy Afro Spaulding !

On behaff ove thee harbarrrrrr and ships at sea , welcome ta thee fleet an' tank ye fer thee complemints ( be shore ta visit Auntie BB ) ARRRRRGH !

[Afro Spaulding]

O'i was rememberin this one time oof a the Injun coast when I was part of ol Capt'n
Smyths squadron in me truste vessil the "The Dorkins" (Yes a parody of Dawkins).

We wuz a huntin these ere inujre-ya-men for there precios cargo, when the call of
"Ship Ahoy" came from abuv. O'I called out to the grease monkey abuv "where away?"and he sez to me to the "port quarta capt'n".

I look down into me tasty beverage holder and me thinks he been in the sun too much
as Ima drinkin rum, when he calls out again "no ya daft bugger behind ya too ya
left!"

I scanz the orisen behind us and lo doth there apair a ship.

O'I call to the monkey above "canna ya make out her colors" (keeping in the theme
of illiteracy, I've spelt it the American way )

The reply ov "Looks t' be an apple tree Capt'n"

Straits a way I order the scurvy dogs to get ready fer battle. We heave to the
port side ta bring owwa guns onta the ename, O'I call out "unleash hell" whence
once more I ear the voice from abuv
"Capt'n we aint no xtians"

"Well be for bleedin' sake bloody fire then!"

We rake the ename vessel with owwa guns, but no matter how many hits we land upon
them stiil they come. "Git ready t' board them me arties", the hands strait away
start a runnin out planks, shoutin and a hollerin "Learn to spell ya daft buggers"
and "Yes, wow you can read and write at a 4 year olds level ya silly sods"

The Dorkins heaves to on the starbard side ov the ename vessil which Ey now no to
be called the Granny Smith. Me scurvy sea dogs at once board her, beatin her crew
easily, but no matter how simply they go down they keep comin. Foinally i fights
me way aft to the skippa and atacks im, Ima a swingin and a slashin, es screamin
"swingas are t' antechris" when with a parry, riposte and thrust eyes a beaten him.

I asks him to surreneders his colrs but no, he keeps yellin "Jebus will save me!"

O'I repleyes "Jeeps won't be invented for over two hundred years ya silly twat, now
give it up ya daft bugger, if you would only take a loik at the real worled youse
would see thata yuv lost."

What does e do? E jumps over t side screamin "Praise be to the Horde"

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Yar yar yar, that be quoite a yoomorous an' innerestin' tale, but oi've got wun that'll breathe mystery inna yer very bones.

It's the case o'
Detective TurtleHolmes and the Talisman of Buttered Scones

I had risen early that morning, for it was December and the scullerymaid was on holidays, so I had to light the fire myself, when a man crashed through the bottom of my flat, underneath my mahogany dinner table. I was quite surprised to find anyone come through the floor, as you can imagine, so I proceeded to kick his face until he would tell me who he was. I decided not to wake Watson, as he was suffering from a rather bad case of Numidian Boxworm Fever.

He replied, only by saying that he intended to see Detective TurtleHolmes, and would speak to none other than he. After convincing the poorly-dressed man that it was I he was seeking, mainly by poking the now red-hot poker from the fire in his genitalia, he told me his story. I had very quickly analysed that this man had visited his Aunt recently, and that his pants were slightly too small for him. This proved to me that he had been on board a pirate ship not one week before his arrival, and that he had been cabin boy. I determined that he had been cabin boy to none other than Captain Cronan, as he was holding himself in a way that insinuated sore buttocks.

He said that his name was Farrow Ponsonby, and had tunnelled beneath my flat as the streets were piled with snow. Upon asking how he tunnelled here so quickly, he replied by saying,
"Oi used me Subterranean Excavation Vehicle, matey."
This proved my theory of his whereabouts of late, so, content with his reply, I asked him to tell me his story.

End of Part One!

[black bart]

Aaargh I can't wait fer part 2...so I is goin ta write me own annecdote...a true one loik all the others.

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

Thee Tallyman Ove Buttarrrrrrrrd Sconz ye sez ?!

Yarr , oi thot et be a miff , juss loike Thee Sceptarr Ove Escargo .

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

The Scepter O' Escargo? Dun be silly, lad! Ye shud know that escargo dun't exist!

Part Two!
O'
Detective TurtleHolmes and the Talisman of Buttered Scones

He explained to me that he had been on board Captain Cronan's ship on his latest voyage. They had sailed to a place only known as An Island Jungle, the inhabitants of which were frighteningly civilised. Cronan had heard rumours of a strange talisman of magical properties, and sought to own it for himself.

The island was only five days sail off the coast of Madagagsgagcar, and the voyage would have been exceedingly dull if not for Captain Cronan's cabin boy, who did special deals on his services.

Before long they had arrived at their destination. Without further ado, they got out their battle gear and their pirate lunchboxes and set off into the jungle, in search of this civilised tribe and their mystical talisman. They searched without finding anything for three days and three nights, but on the fourth day one of the other crew members, whilst on a short break with the cabin boy, strayed upon one of the pathways leading to their camp. Immediately he called upon the rest of the search party, and they set upon the trail, which soon led them to the camp.

The battle persisted for fourteen hours, and the crew soon had the remaining tribesmen cornered in the top room of a large stone temple. There was a large stone door in the way, which was not much of a problem as Cronan's Cannoneers were the best cannon operators both sides of Hamburg.

The door was quickly disposed of, as were the tribesmen inside. Apparently, it seemed silly of them to try and go up against pirates armed with nothing but pointed sticks and bananas.

End of Part Two!

To be concluded in a few days time...