Pirate Chef on the High Seas

[ChowMein]

**** the pyrate chef is passed out in a barrel at the moment but shall return from the hospital shortly****

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Tell that Chow to get 'imself back 'ere real quick. We's bin missun his culinary exploits...and it sure beats listening to Bart 'bang on' about 'his stew. YArrrrr...

[black bart]

Chow mein may not be familiar with recent events at 'The Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Court'...Ah hem...I believe a certain Dave L was incontrovertibly proved to be the inventor of said Fish Head Stew...

I simply purvay the refined dish to a hungry sea fairing world!

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER TWEENTY : SPAGHETTI EVERYWHERE BUT NOT A STRAND TO EAT !

This is Heaven !
It must be!
Strands of spaghetti engulfing my entire field of vision. Swaying and swirling as if they had a life force ( could this be the great FSM before me!)
I felt a headiness as the scents of tomato based sauces tickled my nostrils , then the fresh scent of basil in a pesto sauce with pine nuts , then garlic , then the familiar smell of meatballs , spicy Italian , salty Swedish ,mild Oriental , familiar and unfamiliar spices sent my senses spinning.
I had never felt so intoxicated (except for that weekend with Tansy) yet i felt coherant with enough to try grasp a noodly apendage.

I moved as if time had slowed to a crawl , i set my sights upon a lovely shaped sausaged sized noodle . Twas a beautiful appendage to be sure dear f(r)iends . It seemed to tease me ,always within grasp then pulling away at the last moment. Then I grasped it only to have it slip away , I should have chosen a more al dente noodle i mused , but i would not be denied and continued my quest.

I had it! The noodly appendage was in my right hand , i cannot put to paper the rapture of the moment.
It fought to free itself from my grasp but i could not allow it to fly , the struggle was fierce but i had the strength of a fiend in this matter.
After two minutes it gave up the fight and went limp in my hand as it was surely exshaughted , the starch was all over my person then....

WAKE UP MISTER CHOW SIR!!

It was Billy Budlight , 'You're having a bad dream sir".

Oh ..yes Billy thanks.

Do you have to go to the Head sir?

Huh?

Well sir your hand seems containing the contents of your bladder ,yes?
Oh ,yes yes pardon me , I gotta squirt .

To much grog agin sir?
Yes yes thats right, run along now Billy.

Yes sir.

Bouy oh bouy that musta been some dream , must have been about Bertha and the wimmin abaord the Naughty Navel i wager. Iwonder where they are now ,and what happened to the inquistor with my name and contenance?

All to revealed next CHAPTER TWENTYONE:ONE KEG TO GO PLEASE!


Hello everyone! Please forgive tyhe spelling errors for i am unfamiliar with this computer (don't know where the spell check is) As my nephew pointed out i won't be online until i get this house finished and sold. In the meantime i'm using the computers of friends and such when i can, happy sailing! Chow for now!!

[black bart]

Chow Mein wrote:

CHAPTER TWEENTY : SPAGHETTI EVERYWHERE BUT NOT A STRAND TO EAT !

AAARRRR...I recognise the reference to 'The Ancient Mariner' by Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink ;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.

What was he on when he wrote that?

There is a clear reference to sailors who have eaten Fish Head Stew:

Four times fifty living men,
(And I heard nor sigh nor groan)
With heavy thump, a lifeless lump,
They dropped down one by one

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...(advertisement warning)

But definitely not if it's 'Capn Dave's Country Blend'. It be full of wholesome goodness, choc full o vitamins an' full of country hospitality...all the freshness in one can. Beware of cheap imitations - buy Capn DaveL's Original fishhead stew at your local quality supermarket - today!...(YArrrrr...'ow was that for an add Bart?).

Sorry Chow...nice story there matey! Where 'aves yer been? You wern't on board any ships with Capn Cronan by any chance?

[black bart]

Another verse from 'The Ancient Mariner' refering to Capn Cronan?

And some in dreams assured were
Of the Spirit that plagued us so;
Nine fathom deep he had followed us
From the land of mist and snow.

Spooky!

[ChowMein]

Ahoy mateys!! Hows the grog flowing!? Awast Admirals I've be occuppied with getting a house ready for sale. Yarr canna find good help these days, na like the good ole 1500's, Arrghhhhhh.

Bye the bye ,mateys, i've read some short stories in either DaveL or Barts thread a month or two ago. i thought it was some of the finest prose i've come across in venganza.

How 'bout you two writing something hear using each others personnae ,ships etc. with some of my characters and come up with some humour, risque or nay?

It would give me some inspiration later since i find myself with a wee writers block. Arrgh!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Yer not thinkin' of departin' us are ye matey? Thank ye for the fine compliment. We'll be sadly missing yer story writin' ability.

Most of the characters seem to bob up on the other threads...no idea why

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER TWENTY : ONE KEG TO GO PLEASE

" HEY,HEY, HEY Mateys,"I cried out,"What about me?! Barkeep! Add on 5 more kegs of beer,A barrel of rum, 50 bottles of merlot,35 of the cabernet,10 of your finest brandy and 25 bottles of cherry!
All eyes within The Drunken Skunk that could turned to focus upon us.The silence was unnerving.

"What?",I said.
" Seems like a lot of alcohol for a two week trip", said Fabio.
"Capt. Lance sent us for provisions,his underwear will be on fire when he sees this haul."
"What about food ?",injected Steffano.
"Relax your collective scincters men,I'll handle Capt.Lance.Barkeep!Add a bottle of Chardonnay to the order!"
"When Lance sees that we actually got white wine for him he will pee himself silly".

I beamed at my companions,satisfied at my gesture at proper ettiquite,after all Lance was paying for all this.
"Besides i'm not gonna drink all of this,i need half for cooking",i explained,
"For example;beer for batter,wine for ragouts,brandy for flambe,and what do you think is in the secret marinate ? or the Holy Spaghetti Sauce?
I'm not drinking any water! I've had enough of running to the head!"

"Since i've been drinking alcohol I've nay been sick! Tis now my theory that there exists tiny critters and wee beasties feasting upon flesh and spirit resulting in all manner of ailments!
I shall expect your combined support when we get this stuff aboard"

A young lad,French by the cut of his cloth,approached the bar.
"Pardonez vous,mon sewer ,je m'appelle Loius Pasteur je..."
"Just a sec buddy,let me translate for my readers ok?"
"D'accord,err,i mean okay,Pardon me sir,i am called Louie Pasteur,I am intrigued by your theory of wee critters and beasties.By the FSM I shall abandon my prodigal ways,Have red wine at dinner and study dairy products.

My dear f(r)iends,who said the French were rude?
"Louie,mon jeune ami,you speak with the tongue of a true gentlemen.Just for that you may take my theory for yourself".
"Merci Mon sewer,that is thank you sir?

As we began transporting the booze i felt the future of humanity was secure when teenagers heed the words of wise elders such as humble self.

We made our way to the Queen.

As my shipmates feared, wisps of smoke drifted up from Capt. Lances britches until he saw the bottle of vino. It was smartly wrapped in a burgundy bag with gold lame at the mouth and matching drawstring.

"OH YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE!", exclaimed Lance ,tears welling in his eyes,"We still need food".
"No problem Cap!There is stiill change from the 50 guineas ,prepare to make way ,I shall return in haste!

I quickly found an establishment suiting my taste and pulled the largest sack i could find. I managed to haggle with the shop owner and got all that candy for 8 shillings, 1 crown,4 pence and 3 farthings.It emptied the purse but all were pleased with the wide variety of confections.We had not the luxury of after dinner mints in many a new moon.
I did not concern myself with the nutritional aspects or lack thereof with my purchase since chemical additives were two centuries into the future.
However,as all manly men know ,we must have meat to maintain our manliness.
With this fact on my mind and pasta night looming we departed resolved in pillaging animals that would complement the merlot.

"Captain!Let us set sail for Madagascar and procure some more of them big homely birds."Yep, them Dodos may have a face that only their mothers may love but they are tasty.

Brethren and sisters, recipes for large fowl shall be revealed to all when i gasp in.....

CHAPTER TWENTYONE : Gasp!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

He's back from the dead! Come think of it, so am I...oops there goes me heart again...

What are yer doin posting on Xmas yer blaggard?

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER TWENTYONE:GASP!

I let out a gasp as i said i would last chapter,The crew were up to their usual nonsense;polishing anchor,dusting rails,fluffing sails and so forth.
A group of sailors ,oddly attired in black leather, adorned with gold chains and flashing baubles jostled for favourable position at the dock.
They obviously made friends aboard as they were waving and blowing kisses at captain and crew.

"Who are those clowns ?,I mused audibly.

"They be called the town gentlemen",replied the capt.,"They be minstrel's ,we met them at a peeler bar".

" Oh yeah?They put on a good show?

" Yes indeedy,that bar must be the only one on this flat earth offering equal opportunity!"

" What does that mean Capt.?"

"They had male strippers,would you have ever imagined cookie?It was a scream", beamed Lance.

Gasp!!! Male strippers? That surely is sacrilege.

How were the wimen ? Anything to drool over?

"Oh we didn't notice any women,they must have had the night off".

I set upon my hammock to consider the implications of this as the Queen set out for Madagascar.

I awoke to sounds of laughter,apparently the Queen sailed a perfect circle and we were back at port. For some reason everyone thought i was responsible for the poor navigation and much derision was aimed at me.
I could discern deprecating comments about Oriental sailors and my breeding.
I selected a finger and responded,"This is for what bairn ya!"

Thus uttered the Queen set out again and i resolved to stay awake to contribute my guidance.Meals consisted of fish and more fish ,which is good for mind and body since we havn't learned to foul and pillage the oceans bounty like our grandkids' grandkids will in true pirate fashion.

A week into the trip the captain approached me,"Cookie! ,The crew will abide beer with fish no longer! We must find more white wine or else i will have a mutiny on my hands!

What are THEY goin do ,over starch your knickers?

"Absurd Cap.,this be a pirate ship, yah? No one mutinys on a pirate ship ,it doesn't add up to me, i reasoned.

" Well capt. all the priest types say to pray to FSM or whatever and we get what ever we want."

" Of course Cookie! You are a genius to see the obvious"
"Priests are always true and proper since they are so Holy! ,said Bruce.

" Fancy that,a Chaplain at Cordon Bleu had the same number of holes everyone else has "

"I'm not surprised those horrid robes are in such deplorable condition, just send them to me and I'll fix them up with some colour", said the character that does the sewing an such mentioned in an earlier chapter.

"Don't be idiots,you buffoons",said Lance,"

"Oh fine, and now you're insulting us like that Darwin kid again",said the easily insulted seaman.

"They be named baboon's people need to get back to school!,Just keep your utterances to yourselves a moment!"

Captain Lance continues next CHAPTER TWEENTYSOMETHING and says,

[ChowMein]

CHAPTER TWENTY SOMETHING......


"Okay,what was i saying before that virus alert!"said the Capn.
"I don't remember that was a month or so ago"' i repl;ied.
'Time does fly ,eh Cookie!"

"Enough about yesterdays and such cap,What are going to do with ourselves tommorow?"

"Tomorrow be a friday ,lets go fishing",said one.

"ARGH!,we be fishing a fortnight,i be tired a fishin",said one.
"Jungle scouring then ",said another?
"Nay,to many bugs," said bruce.
"Pillaging?,enquired another.

"I don't wanna work on a holiday,i complained.
"a quest!,"exclaimed the capn.

One and another cheered in agreement.

"What should we look for this time, said Lee.
"Well boys we still havn't found a viable beer volcano!
"Oh beer is becoming so pedestrian to me,how about looking for a decent wine volcano, maybe a light chiraz or chardoonnay?,said lance.

There was an audible knocking sound heard through the ship.

What wuz dat? i said.

"Someone at the door",replied a crewmen.

"I'll be back in a minute ",said the Capt.

[ChowMein]

"Who was that Cap",i asked.

"Someone asking if you could go out to pillage, I told them you weren't about to work on a holiday so he left"

"Good job Cap,now where were we?"

"Oh yes,we were debating a quest, how about..."

"THE MIDGIT RING!"'interjected seaman Stanes.

"Tis no such thing as the Midget Ring,said Thomas.

The doubter was politely ignored as we put the motion to a vote.

"Quest for the Ring it is then fellas!",I shouted.

Join us next time in the continuing voyages of The Raging Queen when I recount the tale of : The Fellas in a Ship looking for a Ring.

[ChowMein]

The Fellas in a Ship looking for a Ring




The crew of the Raging Queen as well as many stowaways,partycrashers,fugitives,and survivors bickered about...THE LEGENDARY MIDGIT RING!


Many sez it to be an itty bitty tennie wennie piece of adornment.

Others say say it to be a doorbell from the entrance of the Midgit Temple .

A few speak of a location.

"Please continue sir", said Billy.

"As soon as I get some sustenance", i replied.

"The Lt.Mytee sez you were to get nothing will in the brig,sir.They are certain you added weevils and grubs the cookies and pee in their lemonade sir".

""Tasted okay to me and it wasn't me it was the cat that done the peed".
"They shunt have thrown over the vermin ,his was aging the meat for me to cook up for him.",I said.

"Well William,my fine lad if you wish to here more of the Ring Quest you must find me some food I'm distracted by my stomach".

The story continues after Young Billy Budlight ,late of Milwaukee goes off in search of decent food,some cereal would be fine....