Pirate Chef on the High Seas

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Postby ChowMein on Tue Mar 21, 2006 6:04 pm

CHAPTER TWELVE:UMM,...ANY STRIPPERS ABOARD??

The ladies let out whoops and screams as they swung aboard the Queen on ropes(oh, something about wimmim and ropes).
The captain and the crews were beside themselves and showered the guests with hugs and kisses,Oh Cookie!,Bertie! be darlings and prepare some pastries for a party!
"On it Boss!"
We went below to work as the boys brought up the big tub.
Damn!,I'm gonna miss out on the bathing!
I helped with the phyllo and left bert to his devices for the show.
YES!The wimmim were a stripping!

"look good enough to eat don't they Lee?
Lee was turning green,the sight of humans in a big tub of water was making him sick and he promptly upchucked over the side.
Rock helped him down to his bunk.
I followed to change my undergarments.

After the wimmim had washed up,Stef brought them silks he had been working on and the apretty sight they were indeed.
Libby had the piano up and played excerpts from Lakme for Landy to sing to.
Fabio worked on thier hair as George handed out rings and earings as party favours.Pete was showing off some new dance steps.

A good time had by all.
Has the initial hubbub died down Lance asked for some stories from the visitors,"Bertha,dearest,what have you been up to!?"

As everyone got to the herbal teas,flaky friut filled phyllo trangles,apple custard tarts and croissants,Bertha began...

CHAPTER THIRTEEN:PIRATE WIMMIM ON THE HIGH SEAS!
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Postby black bart on Wed Mar 22, 2006 12:43 pm

...ironing the captain's smalls...
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby ChowMein on Fri Mar 24, 2006 2:16 am

CHAPTER THIRTEEN:PIRATE WIMMIM ON THE HIGH SEAS!

Bertha and her crew began their careers at Portsmouth upon a small schooner her father bought her upon her graduation from Cambridge.
She and her sorority sisters decided a life of deference and servitude to a husband was not for them and set up shop stripping and serving beer to the sailors.
T'was not long before they had amassed a tidy sum and fitted the Naughty Navel with the best sails and weapons money could buy.

Thus they set upon the seas in search of the lastest stripper fashions and
shoes.
They were a big hit at every port they found and are quickly becoming celebrated on the seven seas.

Bertha was about to recount a tale when...

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: WHA WAS ZAT!
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Postby DaveL on Fri Mar 24, 2006 6:56 am

...there was a loose floor board that gave way, sending her to her imminent death.
Y
A
R
R
R
R
R
R

Thud
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Postby ChowMein on Sun Mar 26, 2006 12:29 am

BERTHA! , are you all right , cried Lance!!

CHAPTER FOURTEEN:WHA WAS ZAT!

Fritz and I are startled from a snooze by a resounding BOING!, a moment later a large SPLAT! was heard.
The GOODNESS SAKE was under attack!

For the moment my dear f(r)iends , I must interupt my reccount of Bertha and her associates.

I was placed in the brig by Lt.Hien Mytee for absconding the ground pork,shallots, water chestnuts and eggs for preparing some dim sum.
The loss of meat and eggs made the connon fodder lacking in consistancy and quantity.
So i was sent to lauguish here without pen ,ink and my journal until supper time (Hien Mytee will find his soup a bit thick)!
However , Fritz the cat has been keeping me company.

I have become attached to Fritz and vanquished the notion of having him in a stir fry.
He has been very affectionate towards me of late.
Perhaps because i've been mincing the mice and rat meat for him and preparing a lovely vermin liver pate that i'm tops in his books.
At the moment he is cowering under the bunk.
As i look out the porthole I believe i see the draft of the Pile O' Junk.

AHA! I thought I reccognized the sound of fishballs stiking timbers, the scent of flaming hot sauce as well unmistakable
Soon the sounds of engagement filled the air about the ship , the fog of war blanketing my surroundings.
I settled myself down awaiting freedom from the brig and this boring ole tub.

I fell asleep.

Upon awakening I discovered...

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: ALL THE DIM SUM'S GONE?
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Postby ChowMein on Sun Mar 26, 2006 1:58 pm

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: ALL THE DIM SUM'S GONE?

I was shaken from of a delightful dream of a land full of restaurants ,beer volcanoes and peeler bars....

"Chow sir! Chow!",.." Huh?...wha.. What,I not hungry yet".
"Oh...Good morning , Billy".
"It's still thee affernoon sir".
"Is it"?
"yes sir 'tis"
Damn, the battle was over! I am still aboard the Goodness Sake, He Hun lo left me here! Why that lousy excuse for a pirate , probably still steaming that I polished off all the Heineken and Fosters and hid the Guinness under my bunk that week off Bermuda.
I hope He Fleung Deung hits him spot on the head next time he throws a loose one.

"Sir, there was a battle sir". No casaties to speak a sir, but the pierats all got way sir".
"Billy..., you needn't call me sir all of the time ,I'm not an officer"
"But you be a man a letters sir, a gradrut a' Corden Blue sir".
"I am Billy but..."
" Must a' paying me proper respects sir, tha whuts me mairn says sir"

" All right then ,in honour of your mum then, carry on".
" The capn' wants you back to the gallry sir, all the dim sum be stole sir"
For the luv of FSM! He Hung Lo will shall be called No Moa Mann
next time i see 'em.

Six hours of work for that batch and tossed in the brig all for nothing!
I made my way to the galley and beheld a mess.
One should be dining in a mess hall, not trying to work in one!
No supplies left, except for a bag of beans spilled upon the floor.

OH MY FSM ! Thats it? ,thats all we have to eat!? I hope they stole all the tabacco and matches as well.

Well dear f(r)iends , the dinner menu was bean pate as an appetitizer, bean salad , hot water soup, and sheperds pie constructed with beans at the base topped with smashed beans.

I brought everything to the table as quickly as possible and dashed topside to escape the eventual fallout.

Now...where was I?
Oh yes, the Queen and the Naughty. To the relief of all the crews Bertha only suffered a mild concussion from a nasty spill.

"OH FSM!, exclaimed Lance, just look at the deck!,what do we do"!
"A coupla 3 penny otta fix it up cap",said I
"Whats that", replied a puzzled Lance".
Gotta be pulling my chain.
"Where do ya keep the tools Cap"?
"Huh?"

Don't werry 'bout it Lance",said Bambi,I'll take care it".
Bambi could swing a hammer, when she lifted up that arm and down and up and down her chest just .. just...I went below to shower and change my clothes.

I devised a plan to mess up the whole ship so the boys would need the fair lassies help to clean it all up, oh yes I can picture all the rubbing and bending for scrubbing an' such right now.

I went below to shower and change my clothes.

Next, when you view my journal,I shall describe....

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: A FREE SHOW!!
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Postby DaveL on Sun Mar 26, 2006 4:10 pm

...what showering with your clothes on is like. YArrrrr!! :D
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Postby ChowMein on Sun Mar 26, 2006 8:46 pm

****the pyrate chef will return after a brief sabbatical to New Zealand for fresh recipes ****
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Postby ChowMein on Thu Mar 30, 2006 2:08 am

CHAPTER SIXTEEN : A FREE SHOW !!

After Bertha was taken to the infirmary , the ladies decided to organize a wet blouse contest .
I was the only one interested in judging so i found myself the center of favour amongst the participants.
There was some looks of disdain on the countenance of the Queens crew since they thought the evening swabbing of the decks was done for the day.

A fabulous performance by all and i am grateful for the fresh load of clean undergarments. I declared Tansy the Terrible winner for her choice of the nursing outfit.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN : FOR GOODNESS SAKE! , ANOTHER BOARDING!!
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Postby ChowMein on Fri Mar 31, 2006 2:16 am

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN : FOR GOODNESS SAKE ANOTHER BOARDING!!

I was severely hungover after long night of revelry on board the Queen . Luckily the crew of the Queen have decided to give me a break and are preparing Belgian waffles for breakfast . The nights festivities trashed the place and the boys have a long day of cleaning in store . The ladies are still passed out on the Navel (I don't know how they made it back ).

After breakfast i settled into my hammock and watched with contentment the actions other people working . The ladies are still looking for their raiment and i hope they are still groggy enough to take the best part of the morn to complete dressing ( a reverse strip is still a good show ).

I found myself drifting to sleepy land... . . . .

PREPARE TO REPEL BOARDERS FOR GOODNESS SAKE !! Wha... if they need a place to stay give 'em a bunk for goodness sake .
Oh ...it's another attack . Oh well I am not concerned , they put me in the brig again .

Yes , dear f(r)iends , Fritz the cat and i are bunk mates once again ,he is extremely grateful to me this day .Lieutenant Hien Mytee came upon Fritz rolling in extra cat mint i set out for him . Commodore Whistleblower has a zero tolerance policy regarding the use of drugs upon his vessel , this being said , Hein Mytee wished to have ole Fritzie flogged .
The crew took umbrage at this and i called him a pompous ass and questioned the species of his parents.

Thus I languish until dinner as the Commodore found Hein Mytee's actions idiotic as far as Fritz is concerned since he is a cat and may desert ship if subjected to the wet noodle lashing however Iinsulted an officer of HMS.

So... who is attacking this time ??

My good gracious FSM!!! It's Bertha and the Ladies of the Naughty Navel .

I am fearful for the girls , for I have most recently prepared many meatballs with extra eggs , garlic and onions . The flame cannon is spiked with chili and brown beans and muskets loaded with fresh potatoes with salt and wine vinegar .

I peered through the porthole , sweat stung my eyes I could not bear the thought of injury besetting the darling hunny bunnys , ruining all the nurses outfits and other skimpy raiment.

But I misjudged the guile of the girls , as they moved closer they began a show , and what a show indeed!! Before long the crew of the Sake were down to the showers. Bertha and crew brought out some hand tools and before long Fritz and I were free and on the Navel .The girls quickly plundered the Sake for ammunition and some sails to make some newer outfits.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN : NOT AGAIN ! I"M TOO TIRED !
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Postby ChowMein on Mon Apr 03, 2006 7:51 pm

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN : NOT AGAIN ! I'M TOO TIRED !

I groaned as yet another barrel of beer was brought out . The pirates of the Navel were having a fabulous pillaging .
" Drink up ! Whilst it's still cold " ! , she bellowed .
Two days later , after a fortnight of celebration I awoke inside an upturned beer barrel . The crew of the Queen were clearing and washing the decks . " Did you hear the news Cookie " !
Bertha and the girls are going to open a cabaret and we are going to help ! But first we're going to take an Inquisitor towards Mt. Fuji ! OH!! SO MUCH EXCITMENT AT ONCE!! I'm going to pee myself ,said capt. Lance.

The Queen and the Navel managed to pillage everything required to fix up the Old La Fleur Pirate Shoppe in Kingston as well as pasta , sauces , meatballs and beer .
The heavily laden Navel set for Kingston , as we scoured the coastlines of Japan the Queen eventually found the Asst. Inquisitor for the Far East .

"Greetings dear brethren of the FSN " , said Asst. Inquisitor Chowmen .
"Welcome to the Raging Queen ! exclaimed Lance . The crew of the Queen gave their usual reception and entertained our guest the entire voyage with the ten star treatment . At a port closest to the mountain our passenger disembarked and blessed the firmness of our noodles and meatballs and may we never be lacking in sauce.

Thus inspired we make haste to join Bertha and her Navel in :

CHAPTER NINETEEN : VOLCANO !
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Kingston

Postby black bart on Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:20 am

Je pense que you are refering to ze Kingston in Jamaica not ze oversized shopping centre in Surrey, non?
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby ChowMein on Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:40 am

Salut Bart,

Tu est correct mon admiral, la Kingston dans les question dans Jamaica.
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Postby DaveL on Wed Apr 05, 2006 6:19 pm

YArrrr...

Stay away from those 'Jah' Pirates in Jamaica. They be smokin some really weird green weed. Last toime I wuz there me ARGGGGHHHs became YAAAAAAAHHHHHHs (Maaaaan).
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reefer

Postby black bart on Thu Apr 06, 2006 9:36 am

Stop speakin this froggy mumbo jumbo and start speakin the Queen's English - One finds oneself in Jamaica - a colony of our sceptered Isle where one encounters Pirates and other colourful characters...

Charles, Charles put that Camberwell carrot down at once...
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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