Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Postby DaveL on Wed Oct 26, 2005 6:51 am

Dear Aunty Blackbeard,

Oim afraid oy've got somethin' embarrsin' to reveal.

Two months ago, me and the lads were forced ashore durin' a storm off the Madagascar coast.

Ey' was forced to dock in a very seedy port. The lads bein' lads did attend the local house with a red light out the front. Arrr...now we have all caught those crabby thingies.

Ey've been itchin and scratchin so bad ey' nearly ran the ship into a large reef. The whole crew keep fallin' off the riggin, cause they be trying to scratch all the toime.

Can yer pleeze help, for we all be goin' mad.

Your Scratchingly,
Capn Dave
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Postby beagle on Wed Oct 26, 2005 7:28 am

DaveL wrote:Ey' was forced to dock in a very seedy port. The lads bein' lads did attend the local house with a red light out the front. Arrr...now we have all caught those crabby thingies.


Oi as this problems all the time. I be findin putting everyone through the sheep dip be the best solution. The organophosphates make's em all mad as hatters but then a crazed crew is an effective crew.

Once yers deloused them yer can sign em up fer this:

http://www.lifeway.com/tlw/

It's best not to tell them the whole story up front, jest say's as they're givin away rings and yer thought they might like to sign up.
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Postby amenabletopasta on Wed Oct 26, 2005 7:47 am

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Arrr. Oi be 'aving a terrible problem wit' me parrot. A few days ago, 'e developed a runny beak, an' a couple o' days later 'e started sneezin'.

Normally, me parrot getting a cold just means 'e has t' be taking a vacation t' me cabin boy's shoulder for a week, but all me crew 'ave been reading them thar tabloid newspapers an' reckons it be deadly bird flu. Oi tells 'em "Deadly bird flu only be deadly t' birds or those that be 'aving lengthy intimate contact wit' 'em", but they still be mutinous: they waves their copies o' The Sun in the air an' demands a culling.

Can ye be recommending a humane solution (i.e. one that don't be involving the grisly deaths o' too many o' me crew)?

Yours in noodliness,

Worried (Skegness) :cry:
Where we're from, the birds sing a pretty song, and there's always noodles in the air :fsm:
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Postby beagle on Wed Oct 26, 2005 7:59 am

Dear Worried,

What yer's has to do is have one of yer senior crew force feeding a similar parrot to his nipper an' saying "would i's be doin this if there were any danger"? Loikes John Somefink-Gummer did with BSE-burgers.
(If yer can arrange to do it with one kid from twins and keep tother one hidden yer can avoid any embarassment if yer one short for breakfast).

It's best not to tell yer crew the government reckons there's no immediate danger; they's usually jump overboard at that point.

I also thinks it's best to avoid yer brainy papers like the Sun, if yer'd stuck with the Daily Sport they probably wouldn't have founds out about it in the first place.

Say Arrrr...
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Postby The Black Spot on Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:24 am

amenabletopasta wrote:Oi tells 'em "Deadly bird flu only be deadly t' birds or those that be 'aving lengthy intimate contact wit' 'em", but they still be mutinous: they waves their copies o' The Sun in the air an' demands a culling.


Don't yer swabs realise that this 'ere bird flu only be deadly if it evolves? How can that be happening? I tell 'ee, some folk will believe anything.
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Postby DaveL on Wed Oct 26, 2005 8:32 am

Arrrr...

Just another excuse by them powers that be to go cullin' our parrots.

The bird flu human strain hasn't been ID'd just yet. His Flying Lordship has been too busy with all the other disasters doin' the rounds in the tabloids.

Once he's finished with that hurricane in the Gulf - Polly's flu is comin' for yer.
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Postby beagle on Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:18 pm

Dear Auntie,

Me crew has me at cutlass-point at the end of me own plank, after they founds irregularities in the way I shared round last month's spoils.
Oi's tried to explain about seasonal adjustment, and contributory pensions plans but they's look unconvinced. Has yer any suggestions to avoid me takin a little swim?

Yours in hopeful anticipation of a prompt response.

Capn Halfwit.
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Postby DaveL on Wed Oct 26, 2005 4:59 pm

Dear Capn H.

Do yer know what the odds of survivin' a plank walk are? Especially if they've chummed the water before hand. Best come clean there.

Tell 'em about your tax-free off shore bankin activities, then get the mutineers to re-route the ship to the Isle of Dominica. Get all the lads a second citizenship, quick. It be only USD $121,787 per family, which is cheap if yer plunderin stocks be high.

http://www.offshoreinfo.com/passports/d ... ssport.htm

Argghhh..there be nothin like a little bit of offshore investin' and tax dodgin to keep the lads happy. Best of luck there matey.

Yarrrr...
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Postby DaveL on Thu Oct 27, 2005 3:13 am

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Ey've been havin a bit of a problem with theivin' on me ship. Durin' me last sea battle off the coast of Guyana, we captured a number of Spanish mercenaries, and we stuck em in our bilge.

The problem is we only had scraps to feed 'em, as the lads be a hungry lot.

During a recent cyclone, the captives did escape makin a dash fer our stores. The buggers ate all me finest cheese and wine. Problem is despite their cheesy breaths and wine stains, they denied the whole thing.

As ey' be a fair Captain, ey've not decided on what punishment to administer. Should 'ey keel haul the buggers, or give them a punishment far worse - me Cooks dreaded Fish Head Stew!!

What should ey do?

Worried,

Capn. Dave
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Postby The Black Spot on Thu Oct 27, 2005 6:56 am

DaveL wrote:Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Ey've been havin a bit of a problem with theivin' on me ship. Durin' me last sea battle off the coast of Guyana, we captured a number of Spanish mercenaries, and we stuck em in our bilge.

The problem is we only had scraps to feed 'em, as the lads be a hungry lot.

During a recent cyclone, the captives did escape makin a dash fer our stores. The buggers ate all me finest cheese and wine. Problem is despite their cheesy breaths and wine stains, they denied the whole thing.

As ey' be a fair Captain, ey've not decided on what punishment to administer. Should 'ey keel haul the buggers, or give them a punishment far worse - me Cooks dreaded Fish Head Stew!!

What should ey do?

Worried,

Capn. Dave


Dear Capn Dave,

ye sound a fair and reasonable man. I not be knowing where's ye picked this bad habit up from, but ye must stop it at once.

All us cap'ns be a treacherous breed. Tell the swabs ye'll let em off if they be having two portions o' Fish Head stew each. Then, when they's all queasy and runny eyed, keelhaul the varmints anyways.

Afterwards, offer thems the choice o' more stew or the plank...
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Postby The Black Spot on Thu Oct 27, 2005 7:38 am

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

I sometimes has a problem after a good night on the grog.

Everything's fine an dandy till I gets back to me cabin for a kip. I settles meself down fer the night, but as soon as I shuts me eye the room starts to spin round and round.

I tried fixing a ship's wheel to the floor, and sleeping on that. When the room started to spin, I'd spin the wheel in the same direction to balance it out. Twas OK for a while, but sometimes I's be so trolleyed I spins the wheel in the wrong direction. Not good. Redefined the term "wallpaper".

Can ye help me wi' me problem?

Yours

Cap'n Binge
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Postby DaveL on Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:08 am

Dear Capn' B.

Ey' suggest yer get rid of that rum yer drinkin' for it not be strong enough. Next time yer' in Kingston Town, try gettin some of that Jamaican Jungle Juice (95% proof). It'll blow the boot tags off, but will defintely put yer ta sleep matey.

Yarrrrr...

While your there, the locals have this green grassy weed which makes the lads (not me, no not me, never touched it) start singin' reggae music. They were gettin a bit too mellow and lazy fer me likin' (maaann).

So once they'd stopped laughin' uncontrollably, ey made 'em swab the decks, the blighters (Peace to ya Brother)! It won't make yer spin, but you may get an urge to eat uncontrollably (No Woman, No Cry).

Yarrrr....Maaannn!!

Cryin' lke a Lion in Zion...Yer Buffalo Soldier...


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Postby amenabletopasta on Thu Oct 27, 2005 10:00 am

DaveL wrote:While your there, the locals have this green grassy weed which makes the lads (not me, no not me, never touched it) start singin' reggae music. They were gettin a bit too mellow and lazy fer me likin' (maaann).


Yarrr! Oi lets me crew try that stuff once - after a whiles thar were an Exodus, movement of jah pirates, as they be going down to the petrol station fer chocolate bars an' the like.

Buts Oi didn't be worrying about a thing, as at about the same time three little parrots perched on me cabin doorstep, an' they be singin’ sweet songs of melodies pure and true. Oi knew every little thing was gonna be all right, even though Oi did be accidentally dropping a cannonball on the little blighters, FSM bless their flat little souls...
Where we're from, the birds sing a pretty song, and there's always noodles in the air :fsm:
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Postby teripie on Fri Oct 28, 2005 1:06 am

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,
Ey' has a problem understanin' how to resovle a moral dilema. Ey' likes to consider meself a good pirate but wud like ta know how one can balace lootin' and pillagin' with the Great Suggestion of 'r Lord, the belov'd PFM, about not aquirin' a lot of crap. Be Ey' sinnin' when Ey' takes a lot of loot?

Signed,
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Postby DaveL on Fri Oct 28, 2005 1:21 am

Dear BVB,

Fear not matey,

Yer must think of it in another perspective. For yer' thievin and pillagin be directly linked to the concentration of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere. Each time you liberate some rich merchant of his ill gotten earnings, the polar ice caps thicken by approximately 1cm.

If yer be so inclined, yer can always bury yer treasure in a secret location. Just make sure yer tell me where yer gonna bury it, so ey' can look after it for yer' (wink).

A bit of wealth redistrubution be a good thing matey, and the FSM will give you extra strippers and premium beer for yer efforts.

Keep up the good work!

Koind Regards,
Cap'n Dave

PS I won't tell a soul where yer buried yer loot - promise!
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