Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Postby DaveL on Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:35 pm

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

During me years with the Corsairs, ey' did brutally slay the Ottoman leader, Achmed bin al Suleyman during a great sea battle off the coast of Malta. Achmed did try and evict us, so we helped the Knights of St John kick some butt, with much success - YARRRR!!

As one of me booty prizes, I took his most prized bird, the most beautiful golden crested parrot 'Polly bin Cracker al Sqwaker', the most beautiful bird this side of Constantinople (or is it Istanbul - argghh now I'm singing that song).

Anyway, Polly bin is a fine talker. The problem is he doesn't speak English. Since we made peace with the Ottomans in the Mediterreanean ey' find Polly bin has been insultin' me and the lads in front of the Turkish emissaries. Every time we get a visit from their mission, the emissaries burst out laughin' rollin' round on the floor.

I fear that me parrot may have been trained in the art of unpolitically correct putdown. As ey' cant bloomin understand what he be sayin', ey'm afraid he be insultin' me.

Should I confront Polly bin Cracker al Sqwaker with an interpreter to get to the bottom of his insults. Or should I just give him the same treatment as his former master.

Worried,

Capn Dave
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Postby beagle on Tue Oct 25, 2005 2:55 am

DaveL wrote:Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

...
I fear that me parrot may have been trained in the art of unpolitically correct putdown. As ey' cant bloomin understand what he be sayin', ey'm afraid he be insultin' me.
...

Capn Dave


Dear Capn,

Yarr, embarassin parrots be, unfortunately, one of them thar occupational hazards. Often yers, gets hold of a cheap bird in yer wild, thievin, robbin days, and finds it don't keep up with yer aspirations once yers bought a country estate in Buckinghamshire.
Yers could trade it in fer another parrot, but some of the old birds can get very tetchy, an might sqawk loudly about yer character traits to the law an the press.
Yer's might prefer to retrain it. Yer could lockit in the larder with the frozen chicken fer an hour as a hint (see jokes section), or yers could send it off to finishin school, where it will learn deportment, table manners and the correct way to hold a nut.
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Postby DaveL on Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:39 am

Thanks mateys!

Ey'll be sendin Polly bin Cracker al Sqwaker away for a bit. I hear the Knights of St John be needin' some volunteer birds for their falconry training.

Well see how Polly bin handles a few birds of prey after they haven't eaten for a few days. YARRRR!!
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Postby The Black Spot on Tue Oct 25, 2005 8:05 am

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

I's be having parrot trouble too. Hows do I get all the parrotshit off me best frockcoat? I's tried feeding the varmint only black seeds, but I's still be looking like an ice-cream seller.
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Postby beagle on Tue Oct 25, 2005 8:05 am

Ey'll be sendin Polly bin Cracker al Sqwaker away for a bit

Arrr, on one hand there's be a lot to be said fer foreign birds (they's won't bore yers to death with bits parroted from Eastenders fer example). On the other hand they's often tends to be more emotional than yer domestic parrot, and prone to havin big, violent, parrot brothers.
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Postby beagle on Tue Oct 25, 2005 8:13 am

The Black Spot wrote:Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

I's be having parrot trouble too. Hows do I get all the parrotshit off me best frockcoat? I's tried feeding the varmint only black seeds, but I's still be looking like an ice-cream seller.


In the olden days the preferred solution were to wear a stuffed parrot, but these days there are all sorts of possibilities, including animatronics. Yer can also combine yer parrot with yer Bluetooth headset thanks to pioneering work by this true believer:

http://rik.typepad.com/blog/2004/04/norwegian_bluet.html
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Postby DaveL on Tue Oct 25, 2005 8:26 am

Arghhh..

Youse could always try one of them bum corks matey. Give 'im the parrot ultimatum.

No Poop + Shoulder = No Cork
Poop + Shoulder = Cork
Lots of Poop + Shoulder = Musket practice with Polly as special guest

The thought of Polly explodin' on yer shoulder should be enough for Polly to go take his crap elsewhere - like yer' next door neighbour's lawn (well that's what me dog used to do).

Yarrr...
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Postby beagle on Tue Oct 25, 2005 8:41 am

Arrr,

I expects 'em to go whiles they's off on reconnaissance duty for me. Me latest parrot can track up to 6 ships travelling at over 7 knots, and squawk coordinates straight to me gun crew.
Usually the flak from the enemy ships has the desired effect on the parrot.
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Postby The Black Spot on Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:53 pm

Dear Auntie Blackbeard

Me ship's cat be a right bruiser. I 'ad him specially bred for ferocity so 'ee could empty me bilge o' rats. 'Ees only got one eye and a broken tail, but 'ees the size o' a small dog. All me men are terrified of 'im.

Just lately 'ees been eyeing up me parrot funny like. I's thinking that 'ee fancies a bit o' parrot fer 'is supper. And now the crew is taking bets on how long me parrot will be alive for.

This gives me a dilemma. I were thinking o' shooting the bastid, but I'll only be getting one shot. If I misses, or only wounds the thing-- well I tell 'ee, it don't bear thinking about. Besides, old Tiddles be the best ratter I ever 'ad.

Now Auntie, the question be: is there any way to keep me parrot AND me moggy?
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Postby DaveL on Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:13 pm

Arrr...

Ey've had this problem too matey. There be so many bilge rats on my ship that 'Tigger' be sick of eatin the same meat over and over. My suggestion is to make yer bilge rats more tasty. Instead of feedin' them yer left overs, I suggest yer feed em some of yer finest grains.

If you've been to one of those fancy restuarants you'll always see corn fed chicken or some new fangled meat on the menu.

If you want to keep Tiddles interested, throw a sack of corn down yer bilge matey. Just make sure you dont tell the crew. Cause if they catch on that the rats taste better than the Cooks menu, there will be none left fer Tiddles.

Yarrrr...
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Postby Swashbuckler Saucy on Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:53 pm

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Me cannons be filthy and I thought up a solution as to cleanin' its filf, ammonia and bleach, but ever' time me cleaners go to clean with the product, they wind up dead in the morn'. Now I would like to know why me men are dying and why the ship's scholar keeps giving me aprons saying "cooking with mustard gas." As for the disposal of the deceased, I have that figured out as long as me men don't question whats in the chili in the morning and why it mysteriously tastes like bleach. Why are me men dying Auntie?

Signed,
Cooking With Mustard Gas
Mmmm, pasta.
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Postby DaveL on Wed Oct 26, 2005 12:31 am

Arrr Matey,

It appears you be havin a number of problems with your toxic emissions there. I get a few toxic emissions after eatin chilli meself.

Have you firstly considered installin a fume hood and exhaust system. This may take care of the cannon cleanin'. Ey can give yer the name of a few specialist Pirate Ship contracters, if yer like. My fume hood is so strong, me cabin boy got sucked into it. He's still in there ey' believe, FSM rest his soul.

In relation to yer Mustard Gas, ey' suggest you try cookin' with French Mustard, not that bloomin' Hot English Mustard. That stuff will bring a tear to the eye - fooey. Your lads may be talking slightly Gallic, but they won't be dyin' on yer - although ey'm not sure if it be much of an improvement.

Ey'd probably just add a bit more lemon juice and herbs with yer chilli. The cook on my ship is a real shocker, so your crew be lucky they be gettin' a few bonus ingredients. Ey'm up for fish heads and gruel for the 3rd time this week, so they should count thar blessins matey.

Yarrr...
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Postby aquazoo on Wed Oct 26, 2005 1:13 am

The Black Spot wrote:Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

I's be having parrot trouble too. Hows do I get all the parrotshit off me best frockcoat? I's tried feeding the varmint only black seeds, but I's still be looking like an ice-cream seller.


In the frightening realm of products that are available, someone makes a shoulder cover to protect your clothes from parrot poo. I imagine a baby burp cloth would work just as well. But have them made from the same color as your frock coat so it's not obvious that you're afraid of a little bit of poo.
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Postby beagle on Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:58 am

Yarr,

Oi were wonderin what the service interval were fer a modern galleon. I's put it off a bit but now there's a coughin noise at full speed, and Oi's can only select reverse when listening to Radio 4.

Thankee in advance maties.
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Postby The Black Spot on Wed Oct 26, 2005 5:56 am

beagle wrote:Oi were wonderin what the service interval were fer a modern galleon. I's put it off a bit but now there's a coughin noise at full speed, and Oi's can only select reverse when listening to Radio 4.


Arr..

I'd be recommending a service every 200 boardings or every 1000 broadsides (whichever comes first).

I's be thinking that the coughing noise be caused by some swab ye forgot to pull aboard after a keelhauling.
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