Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Postby beagle on Fri Oct 28, 2005 3:10 am

Teripie wrote:Dear Auntie Blackbeard,
Ey' has a problem understanin' how to resovle a moral dilema. Ey' likes to consider meself a good pirate but wud like ta know how one can balace lootin' and pillagin' with the Great Suggestion of 'r Lord, the belov'd PFM, about not aquirin' a lot of crap. Be Ey' sinnin' when Ey' takes a lot of loot?

Signed,
Beer Volcano Bound


Deer Beer,

This dilemma often be a problem fer pirates. The trick be to be selective in yers choice of loot. Avoids the home catalogue and shopping channel sorts of loot, and goes for the top end royal warrant type stuff. Yer'll be amazed at how many Faberge eggs or diamond tiaras yer can store in even the smallest galleon without totally wrekin the Feng Shui or imperilling yer soul.
I's confident that in yer capacity of "Plunderer of the checking account" yer husband would only want yers pillaging the best.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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Postby DaveL on Fri Oct 28, 2005 7:38 am

Dear Aunty Blackbeard,

Oi have some rather bad news. Me woife back in Portsmouth has left me. Oim afraid she found out about all me extra curricular activities.

My approach has always been 'what go on tour stays on tour', however she done hired a private investigator to spy on me. She found out about what me and ten wenches did in a tub of... - oh never moind!!

She's changed all the locks on the cottage and told me to 'get lost yer mangy fornciatin' dog.' She's taken everything and has been seein' a dandy young Vicar named Earnshaw.

Oim truly sad. Jilted for a Vicar!

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Postby beagle on Fri Oct 28, 2005 9:59 am

Dear Capn Dave,

Yer does not appear ter have realised what a goldmine yer has here. Here be how yers handles it. Yers has a shave, a bath, puts on yer best suit then gets on to the News of The Globe. Yer explains how yer marriage was "experiencin difficulties" when a despicable vicar seduced yer virtuous, innocent, trusting, wife and made her run off wiv 'im.
With suitable handlin the story should run fer a week and yer'll get a new galleon out of it. Oi should be inclined not to mention the tub and wenches 'till the story shows signs of fading later in the week. Yarrrr.


Regards,
Auntie Clifford.
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Postby beagle on Sat Oct 29, 2005 3:30 pm

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

I've been having problems with me crew. I wents on a plunderin expedition fer vengeance on a swab who insulted me dad, but justified it on some other grounds which oi's thought up off the top of me head. Some varmint had the cheek to suggest me motives weren't totally pure and, in a fit of misplaced loyalty, me first mate's personal assistant let it slip to the press that the varmint's wife was in the pay of the queen's spymaster. This has not gone down well at court. Obviously Oi's behaved with impeccable integrity at all times, but yer never knows what stories the PA swab might make up under torture.

Shoulds I:

Help the PA over the side in the middle of the night.
Help the PA and first mate over the side in the middle of the night.
Bribe the PA to keep quiet.
Start a small colonial war to take swabs minds off it.

Or has yers any other suggestions?


Yarr,
Capn Confused
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Postby DaveL on Sat Oct 29, 2005 6:21 pm

Arrr Matey...

Rumour mongerin' in close quarters be a dangerous thing. To some extent you've answered yer own questions there, for 'ey can tell you've behaved impeccably.

Oid be favourin startin' a small war meself, as this be somethin that they all the lads can do. As my dear old dad Cap'n Cutlass used ter say. 'A pirate family that kills and maims together, stays together.'

Show 'em yer prowess in this department and the lads will be forever endeared to yer matey. The plunder yer will get will keep the lads happy and they will be more likely to take care of yer little PA problem for yer.
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Postby The Black Spot on Sat Oct 29, 2005 7:38 pm

beagle wrote:I've been having problems with me crew. I wents on a plunderin expedition fer vengeance on a swab who insulted me dad, but justified it on some other grounds which oi's thought up off the top of me head. Some varmint had the cheek to suggest me motives weren't totally pure and, in a fit of misplaced loyalty, me first mate's personal assistant let it slip to the press that the varmint's wife was in the pay of the queen's spymaster. This has not gone down well at court. Obviously Oi's behaved with impeccable integrity at all times, but yer never knows what stories the PA swab might make up under torture.


Arr lad, yer best bet to be to pray loudly and publicly. Then anytime a swab questions yer, ye just says it be God's will. A quivering lip won't go amiss either (oh, that be the other bloke).

Works every time.
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Postby DaveL on Sat Oct 29, 2005 9:22 pm

Dear Aunty Blackbeard,

Oim afraid oi've got meself in a messy situation and oi need yer help. Durin' me time with the Corsairs, we did a bit of package delivery for a Sicilian Pirate named Don 'Shiver-me-horse head' Corleone.

We was sworn into his secret brotherhood and we wuz not allowed to ask any questions. We did a regular courier run to his supplier 'Achmal the Shifty' in the port of Tunis.

Durin' a great storm, the packages got blown overboard and were lost to the open sea. Oim afraid Don didn't take too kindly to his couriers losin' his packages. Ey've explained the situation, however oi think me numbers up! One of me lads has mysteriously vanished, and me crew abandoned ship.

Because we broke Don's code, the words "You'll be wearin cement shoes in Davey Jones Locker" and "I'll be sendin the boys round" has been used on many occasions.

Oim not sure how much longer oi can hide in the Carribean, for there be a huge price on me head.

Can yer help me?

Capn Oim Dead Already
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Postby teripie on Sat Oct 29, 2005 9:34 pm

Dear Captian Dead,
I be afeared to tell ya that ye need ta turn state's witness. This may mean ye'll have ta go in ta witness prer-tection. Ye'll most likely ha' ta give up piratein' I's sorry to tell ye. However, if ye's willin' ta swaller yer pride, mayhaps they'll get ye a positon in that hell hole, Las vegas, thar ye can gets work at that thar pretend pirate casino. At least ye'll get ta keep yer reglia.
Let this be a warnin' ta others, never works with a gang that don't swear ta the code.
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Postby The Black Spot on Sun Oct 30, 2005 11:01 am

DaveL wrote:Oim not sure how much longer oi can hide in the Carribean, for there be a huge price on me head.


Arr, ye's got yerself in a right pickle here, lad. If ye just send me yer exact coordinates, I'll send the boys, I mean help, round.

Yours

Cap'n Cosa Nostra
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Postby beagle on Sun Oct 30, 2005 11:38 am

Teripie wrote:Dear Captian Dead,
I be afeared to tell ya that ye need ta turn state's witness. This may mean ye'll have ta go in ta witness prer-tection. Ye'll most likely ha' ta give up piratein' I's sorry to tell ye.


Oi be thinkin it's only the clothes he need give up, we can re-position 'im as a realtor or car dealer in Palm Springs without changin his habbits too much. Yarrrr.
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Postby DaveL on Sun Oct 30, 2005 8:49 pm

The Black Spot wrote:
DaveL wrote:Oim not sure how much longer oi can hide in the Carribean, for there be a huge price on me head.


Arr, ye's got yerself in a right pickle here, lad. If ye just send me yer exact coordinates, I'll send the boys, I mean help, round.

Yours

Cap'n Cosa Nostra


Thanks matey,

You can send your lads around to Corleone Castle, Palermo, Sicily. Ey'd be layin' a barrage down first before sendin' in the lads. Send em in armed and ey' mean heavily armed.

If yer planning to make an appointment, his phone number be 1800-DONT MESS WITH ME PUNK.
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Postby beagle on Mon Oct 31, 2005 5:08 am

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

I has a bit of a problem. I can never remember which is port and which is starboard, or which is bow and which is stern. Generally Oi gets round it writing reports on future strategy and telling me first mate to do the day-to-day running of the ship, but they's starting to suspect.
What should I do?

Yarrr,
Capn Clueless
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Postby black bart on Mon Oct 31, 2005 8:40 am

I sometimes has a problem after a good night on the grog.



As ye tried going fer a good hot curry or a kebab on yer voyage homeward. It always works a treat fer me and it elps fill the sails with wind the morning after!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby The Black Spot on Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:25 am

beagle wrote:Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

I has a bit of a problem. I can never remember which is port and which is starboard, or which is bow and which is stern. Generally Oi gets round it writing reports on future strategy and telling me first mate to do the day-to-day running of the ship, but they's starting to suspect.
What should I do?


I hast an infallible system. The ways I's be remembering it is that "port" has the same number o' letters as "hook", and "starboard" has the same number o' letters as "wooden leg".

Ne'er lets me down.
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Postby beagle on Mon Oct 31, 2005 9:38 am

That be a fine system, and what with me hook and leg I can still count as far as 12. on hot days 13.

Yarrr
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