The Continuous Salty Tale

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Postby beagle on Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:53 am

... a slight fracas broke out upstairs when st Lucille Ball spotted Hossenffeffers credit card appeared to have been issued by the Bank of Toyland. Shots were fired, faces punched, lap dancers assaulted, disco glitter-balls smashed, chairs and bottles were broken over heads, one thing led to another, and before long the fightin started...
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Postby DaveL on Tue Oct 25, 2005 8:01 am

...the lads had smashed the spiked rum barrel. For they were just reckless vandals at heart. And the rum did seep into the drains, where the cockroaches and sewer rats did ingest much of it. And this caused...
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Postby beagle on Tue Oct 25, 2005 8:26 am

... the worst ecological disaster the area had seen since a rum-and-black tanker ran aground in 1326. In the confusion Hossenffeffers crew climbed out through the window of the gents, and headed for the governor's mansion. "We've got this far without any totty* in the plot, this has got to be remedied. He's bound to have a beautiful, renegade princess in his dungeons, they always do" they thought.

...

------------------
* Pirates aren't politically correct, ok?
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Postby DaveL on Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:03 pm

Mean while the castor oil had taken hold of the rats and cockroaches.

They were so full of wind, that they were flying jet propulsion style round the tavern. 'Scare bleu' screamed Roquefort, as a flatulent sewer rat flew by. 'That everl basterd Hossenfeffer has tricked me again.' .

Meawhile, Hossenfeffer and the lads the taking flight, stumbled across the rather curious lookin' establishment named 'Madame Sophie's Maison d'Amour'. And the lads all looked at one another and said YARRRRR!!!!

And they did enter Madame Sophie's love shack, after sprucin' themsleves up a bit. Hossenfeffer strode up to the bar and in a series of crude gestures did say...
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Postby Griffin on Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:46 pm

....... we are here seeking Blair's Babes. We have arrived poste haste from 'Le Grande Merde' where they wasted a whole barrel of Old Blair's Pirate Rum. But us heard on good authority you wouldn't let us down and here be a credit card in the name of Hossenffeffer so start the tab Lady Muck and let's get to it. With that, a sound of excitement was heard from upstairs........
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Postby nate272 on Tue Oct 25, 2005 10:00 pm

...the sound of people listening to the B-52s song, Love Shack, which was exactly where they were. And they danced the night away and got drunk, waking up the next morning in...
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Postby DaveL on Wed Oct 26, 2005 5:23 am

...a strange bed. And the Hossenfeffer did awake feelin' most satisfied. And giggles goin on in the other rooms indicated the lads were enjoyin 'emsleves. Even Hossenfeffers parrot was catered for, and he did hear much squarking, with "Ohhhh Polly" comin' from Madame Sophie's gorgeous lookin' Norwegian Blue.

For Madame Sophie was a pirate specialist. And she had many tricks up her sleeve in the arts of pleasin' pirates, includin'...
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Postby beagle on Wed Oct 26, 2005 7:49 am

... the dance of the seven eye patches and other things not many people could manage standing up in a hammock. ...
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Postby DaveL on Wed Oct 26, 2005 6:23 pm

...which was normally performed by the famous 7-eyed courtesan Mademoiselle Gigi, who died in a freakish accident involving her contact lenses.

Following many final goodbyes to the girls and foxy Norwegian Blue, the lads did return to their ship. And the beaming smiles on their faces were the result of much pleasurin'. For lonely months of sailin' the fundy lands had deprived them of many fine things.

And as Capn. H hoisted the sails, he looked through his spyglass, and there saw Roquefort screaming profanities and ducking as another jet propelled rat flew by.

Roight then lads, how bout we set sail for...
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Wed Oct 26, 2005 6:53 pm

..peurto pollo, where Sir Ned Pindersnatch dwells"

the crew was willing to do anything. they were so happy, in fact, that when they were getting the boat set up to leave, they started up in a rousing rendition of "we're shoving right off again" that lasted untill they were far from any land.

"ye tone deaf seals can shut up now, we're no where near haiti now." Cap'n H said, "just keep 'er on course, I'll be...
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Postby nate272 on Wed Oct 26, 2005 9:05 pm

.. in me quarters, trimmin me beard, which has grown large these many months at sea. Where be me aftershave?"

Just then, a sailor said "Aye, ye ate it, capn."

"What nonsense be this? I did not eat me botlle o after shave. Ye lie!!!" Said the captain furiously, with his good eye twitching extrememly fast in a wierd fashion.

The sailor repiled, "Aye. I saw it with me own three eyes!!!"

"Ye be not havin three eyes, sailor!" Said the captain who was walking towards him.

"Aye. I do, capn."

The captian looked at the sailor with suspision, and after a few days, he realized "Aye, ye do have three eyes. Amazin. Ye must not miss anything with those peepers!"

"I don't, capn."

Then, suddenly a sailor came up yelling "The end is near!!" And then...
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Wed Oct 26, 2005 9:21 pm

and so Cap'n H yelled to the crows nest, "IT'S "THE END IS NIGHNIGH! D'YE HEAR ME???? now then, what are you talking about?"

"I meant...
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Postby Griffin on Wed Oct 26, 2005 11:36 pm

to say "Nicht Nicht "THE END IS NICHT HIER! D'YE KEN ME????

for he had forgotten to slip into German and Scots in honour of his parents when making important annoucements, and furthermore his words had come out a little disordered due to the excitement.

He brushed his brow and muttered, I think I got away with that, to himself in an undertone.

More importantly the men had hove to as they realised there was no end in sight. They sent another six up the riggings and several into the crow's nest to watch out just in case. They took their eyeglasses and plenty of honey wrapped up in filthy looking rags. The rum had run out again. Indeed, sad to tell, that is how the rumour that the end was nigh began.

And on the fifth day they saw a..............
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Postby beagle on Thu Oct 27, 2005 3:28 am

... flash of light in the water. A few seconds later there was another flash. Capn H raised his monocular to his good eye and focussed on the source of the glitter. "That be strange" he said "it be the periscope of a U-boat. They's hardly ever seen in the Caribbean (leastways, not in the 17th century). Oi'll bet some blighters left a wormhole in the spacetime fabric again and we's gone straight though it. That's always happenin to these here 5 year voyages of discovery and plunder. Sometimes Oi be thinkin they's like holodecks, a desperate ruse by scriptwriters when theys run out of ideas".
His first mate had given up listening and was absent mindedly chewing on his parrot. He was used to the capns mad ramblings; sometimes he wished he'd stayed with Carnival. However something caught his attention in the water, what looked like a straight white trail just under the suface of the water, heading straight from the periscope towards their ship. "Erm capn..." he said...
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Postby Griffin on Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:23 pm

......there be a straight-white tailed mermaid (mermaidus whitum squigillliamilllia) [for he was a well educated pirate and liked the latin]. And sure enough there was. Cap'n leant over the side, not too far as a little unsteady from drinking his aftershave, and got into debate with squigillliamilllia (as they called her for short). She spoke in a sulky watery voice "I come to warn you of enormous rocks and Siren-Ladies just around the next corner. If you meet Finbad the Tailor, Beware." With that she dove deep and disappeared. Cap'n scratched his parrot and thought on it. After a considerable pause, he commented, I never seen a corner at sea. But I could do with some new britches cos my old ones are........
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