The Continuous Salty Tale

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sun Oct 23, 2005 10:32 am

... ate rotten fish guts. yes, even the head. of course, this bad habit gave fishguts a nasty disease, known only as....
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Postby beagle on Sun Oct 23, 2005 11:06 am

...Irritable gill syndrome. Meanwhile Hossenfeffer were attachin the nameplate to his coconut and palm tree whittled ship.
"The Davy Jones", the latest in a long line of ships of ill omen, all er which he had named Jones.

There was the Robert Jones, knowed by some as "The Bob Jones", a strange prison ship, so secure that some believed her unthinkable, which had run aground in the colonies.

There were the Gracey Jones, a fine tall vessel with distinctive crows nest, but prone to letting her sails flap in the wind, and known to bear down on unsuspectin tv interviewers. She hadna been sighted in years, but the rumour were she were still out there somewhere.

There were the Indiana Jones, which seemed to sink without trace after an initially successful career, but might yet be bailed out for the holiday season.

And there was the Thomas Jones, known for the strange noises it made as it came into attack, and fer scurillous rumours that the bulge of her main armament in the bows was artificially enhanced.

Hossenfeffer cared nuffin fer these omens, fer he was a big Monkees fan and he happily whistled "Pleasant Valley Sunday" to himself, as he applied the weekly lashings to the crew.

Meanwhile down in the galley, fishguts dreamed of christmas specials and book-signins that would never happen, and reached for his bucket...
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Postby DaveL on Sun Oct 23, 2005 5:22 pm

...of chum. It was on tonights menu yet again. Luckily enough the Davey Jones glided into the docks at Port au Prince. At the lads were keen to escape to the local tavern, for a few Hennsesy cognacs and Coq au Vin. YARRRR!!!!

And Hossefeffer did think back to his last time in the Haitian port, when the nerdy French Governer, Jean Pierre Roquefort (or 'Le Dork' as the lads called him) had the entire ships crew imprisoned on account of their...
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Postby beagle on Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:47 am

... borrowing all his Asterix books without permission. "I am ze big cheese here" he had told them (inevitably), and you will stay in ze dungeons of my fortress with only a glass of Cognac until dinner (for he was a big early Monty Python fan, and was likely to break into the Holy Grail French guard sketch at ze drop of a chapeau).
It had taken all Hosenfeffer's ingenuity, a copy of La Gastronomie Larousse, and an early treatise on monetarism to free his men the last time, what he did was...
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Postby Griffin on Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:54 am

drop millions of dead parrots on the nerdy French Governer, Jean Pierre Roquefort, screaming, these are dead parrots, they have gone to join their maker, they have joined the choir invisbule, they are ex- parrots, they are no more and so on in a silly high pitched voice which was very frightening. And so it came to be, thus, was the nerdy French Governer, Jean Pierre Roquefort destroyed and his side-kick Bruce abandoned the sheep-dip and took over the prisoners. He and his band of merry men, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce, tried to contain the starving crew, but the pasta sauce ran out too soon and they all escaped with........
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Postby beagle on Mon Oct 24, 2005 7:08 am

...mild indigestion and a black ewe called Geraldine. Yarrr, This ewe were a particiular favourite of Roquefort, an he swore vengeance on Hossenffeffer the next time their sea routes crossed. ...
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Postby DaveL on Mon Oct 24, 2005 7:48 am

(arghhh ey'll make that a fullstop there, for it be very succinct matey).

And word got out amongst the townfolk that Hossnefeffer and the lads were back. And Roquefort did summon a gang of thugs from his lofty plantation to give Captain H. and the gang some Le Right Royal Biffo.

And as the lads headed for the tavern, things went all quiet in the streets.
Woman stopped and stared, kids dropped their toys, doors slammed and windows shut. "Crikeys" said Captain H. "Ey' wonder what the problem is? Maybe it's me..."
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Postby beagle on Mon Oct 24, 2005 8:07 am

... new bermuda shorts, Millwall T-shirt and Calvin Hook aftershave, or maybe it's the way we're firing guns off in all directions...
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Postby DaveL on Mon Oct 24, 2005 8:16 am

...for the Frenchies were very fashion conscious. But no alas, it was nuthin to fear (so he thought). And as the lads entered 'Le Grande Merde' tavern, youse could here a pin drop.

And tavern owner Monsieur Jean Claude Marcel Olivier Robespiere-Robsepiere-St Lucille Ball did say...
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Postby beagle on Mon Oct 24, 2005 8:37 am

... "j'avais perdu la plume da ma tante", fer he were not a real Frenchman at all, but found the lingo went down better with the sort of high class punters he were determined to attract than his normal Wandsworth accent. None of the customers knew what the hell he were saying, but they didn't care, since happy hour lasted all week and young parrots got in free. Yarrr, But down in the cellar...
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Mon Oct 24, 2005 4:16 pm

..roquefort was hiding. cowering, more like it. he had been so tramatized by the dead parrots, when he got out, he signed a bill giving free health care to all parrots in haiti ( a very un-fundie thing to do, but hey, he was tramatized). he also was rather afraid of Hosenfeffer. so he was hiding.

of course, cap'n H knew nothing of this, and said to the lingiustically impared bartender "grog. 20 kegs." as Monsieur Jean Claude Marcel Olivier Robespiere-Robsepiere-St Lucille Ball went to this work, cap'n H looked around the tavern. twas filled with regular frenchie scum. in their poofy outfits and their little poodles on their laps. feh. although something else did catch Cap'n H's eye...
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Postby Griffin on Mon Oct 24, 2005 9:08 pm

.... a large bottle of Calvin Hook aftershave ! He grabbed it and upturned it over his head and quoth "From now on I shall be known as Captain Hook" and with that he chopped off his right hand and replaced it with a saucy meat hook hanging nearby. Just then a strange ticking noise could be heard and the pin did drop as everyone listened intently.........
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Postby nate272 on Mon Oct 24, 2005 11:07 pm

...but little did they know the ticking was coming from the ocean and just turned out to be a giant clock. When Captain Hook heard of this, he drank his aftershave because...
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Postby beagle on Tue Oct 25, 2005 3:23 am

... he'd forgotten it weren't his Old Spice. Down in the cellar Roquefort tipped the contents of a small bottle into the festering vat of Old Blair's Pirate Rum, and bided his time till it were piped upstairs to the saloon bar.
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Postby DaveL on Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:31 am

And the contents of the small bottle was industrial strength castor oil. Enough to make the whole crew poop to kingdom come. But before the crew to take their first drink...
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