The Continuous Salty Tale

[beagle]

... to deal once and for all with me old nemiz..., me old pnemist..., me old enemy. How did it be getting to this he asked himself? Hardly any long term plot development, and no characters to be havin crises at critical moments. I blames meself, he thought; and then there be Brucey.

Brucey an me had knowed each other since we broke out of playpens together, he were a-recollecting. We wents to the same reform schools, played the same games (Australian rules croquet fer the most part), smoked, drank and fired off our guns together*. And then one day he were telling me, "I was watching that there 'Songs of Praise' on Sunday" . I were shocked, and begged him to stop afore it were too late. He thought he could handle it, buts I'd seen it before. Afore long there were a little fish sticker next to the nodding dog in the back winder of his galleon, and I knewed then he were lost to us.

The capn were prone to these flashbacks, partly fer plot purposes, but mostly due to a bad batch of snuff he'd taken in the 1660s.

Down in the galley, an anonymous crew member, unlikely to survive the next trip to a strange island, was talking to Blind Pugh, "so tell's me about yerself. Why did you renounce the archbishopric to become a pirate?"...


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*yer can leave off the Freudian stuff matey, he ain't been born yet

[DaveL]

...Pugh did reply that the wages and wenches at his church were really bad. They didn't drink or like singin bawdy tales. So he did a runner for the docks one Sunday in the middle of service.

Hossenfeffer was in town visitin Panda at the time, being henpecked in exchange for a conjugal visit. YARRRR!

Pugh did recognise Hossenfeffer (which was amazing, being blind and all), and they both ran for the docks with the congregation and Panda in tow. They managed to set sail -just- and headed for the Carribean, where their life of adventure began...

[beagle]

... in a small rowing boat. By dint of hard work and maximum ultraviolence they gradually worked their way up to a fully fledged...

[amenabletopasta]

...medium-sized rowing boat with go-faster stripes and...

[beagle]

...a dachsund called Gerald. ...

[amenabletopasta]

One day, whilst at sea in their 'ship', Pugh noticed a funny smell. Captain Hossenfeffer quickly found the source: Gerald had excreted on the boat's floor.

"Arrr!" shouted the cap'n, "Ye've ruined me lovely poop-deck, ye little shi...". But then Hossenfeffer stopped, not believing his eyes. "Avast! Gerald - ye've laid a golden turd!"

The two pirates quickly formulated a plan. They sailed into the nearest port, bought as much laxative as they could and fed the lot to poor Gerald. Thanks to their dog's "goldy flux", they were rich. The dachsund, however...

[beagle]

... turned into a large green Zeppellin and floated off on the horizon. Blind Pugh woke up with a jerk* and thought, "what a strange dream!", why does that always happen when I's telling my life story? Meanwhile the ship sailed on through the night towards Kingston, with only a slight 180 degree change of course when the navigator realised the destination was Kingston, Jamaica not Kingston-Upon-Thames.

The capn was in his cabin, thinking of the battle to come, and whether he shouldn't have bought 6 month's galleon tax, instead of the full year, when inexplicably...



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* too obvious...

[Qwertyuiopasd]

...the first mate ran up to Hossenfefer and said, in a rather exasperated voice, "cap'n...

[DaveL]

...ey' be sufferin from a touch of exasperated voice. And Hossenfeffer did say "Go and have a swig of rum matey, it's good for yer larynx."

While the ship sailed on to Kingston, the Captain's thoughts wandered to his most favourite tavern wench Molly O'Hara, who was servin' rum in the dock taverns of Old Sydney Town.

And he did think of the first time he laid eyes upon Molly. For she was very beautiful, except for her missing teeth and...

[black bart]

Molly had been missing Keith ever since that fruitfull evening of St Valentine's Night when he had pledged his troth:

'Molly me dear, I ereby pledge me love for ye and I pledge to phone ye in the mornin if only I can get me hands on those...

The ship lurched in a sudden swell throwin the amorous couple together...while up on deck the Captain spied the splendid ramparts of Kingston with Long John Lewis glistening in the morning sun.

[beagle]

But there were somethin very wrong. The usual cloud of smoke weren't a-hangin over the island, and instead of the incessant reggae beat (with which the capn was so familiar, from his days in the SAS), there was just the gentle lap of the waves. "Brucey's here all right" he said, now all we's got to do is...

[DaveL]

..blockade Kingston and keep the blighter trapped in the harbour while we pound him with cannon balls.

Hossenfeffer chose the dark of night for his sneak attack. For it was good camoflague for his regalia. However seeing the Jolly Roger was a bit difficult. So he opted for his flashing neon Jolly Roger instead.

Firstly he sent his men in row boats packed with explosive up to the bow of the SS Wedge. For a few kabooms would seriously cripple the evil galleon before they could set sail...

[beagle]

... and to distract the Wedge's night watch he put another crew ashore to play "kumbayah" as loudly as possible on badly tuned guitars, at the end of the landin stage. ...

[black bart]

...sadly the good Captain had forgotten what a bunch of low life cut throats he had in his present crew. They didn't sing Kumbayah, oh no...they launched into a fine rendition of 'The Crazy Frog' which they'd all downloaded onto ye ipods.

[Qwertyuiopasd]

this mistake cost them quiet alot. it woke up the neighborhood. it woke up bruce, and he came down to stop the racket. hossenfefer swore, for kumbaya was something someone could sleep to. the crazy frog... not a similar sotry

"what in gods name are you singing chaps?"

"err... arr... well... ye... ah...." they stumbled for words. luckily, they stalled long enough that...