The Continuous Salty Tale

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Postby DaveL on Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:07 pm

...gettin a bit salty from all that runnin around in the bilge. Following the intervention by the mermaid, Capn H. thought 'Dammit', that night at Madame Sophies has only half fixed me. Ey be seeing mermaids, when in fact they only be Dugongs, a distant relative of the Walrus. Set sail for the nearest roughest, salty dog of a port yer have ever feasted yer rum drinkin gizzards on mateys.

And the coxwain did round this ship 180 degrees. And after several times going round in circles and the lads did go 'whee'. Finally he made up his mind...it was due west. The Dominican town of Santo Domingo, crawlin' with Spaniards...
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Postby amenabletopasta on Fri Oct 28, 2005 4:28 am

...as the inhabitants were celebrating the annual Spanish 'Festival of the Cockroach', in which they imitated the insect by crawling around on the floor and...
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Postby DaveL on Fri Oct 28, 2005 4:32 am

after being sprayed by insecticide.

Argghhhh, there is someone important ey' have to meet in Santo Domingo lads.' 'It be of a very secretive and personal in nature, and ey'm afraid you'll have to entertain yourselves, while ey conduct me business (Madame Sophie style if yer wish).'

For Hossenfeffer was off to see someone from his dark past, who would solve the riddle of his present problems. It was...
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Postby beagle on Fri Oct 28, 2005 6:32 am

... Her Majesty's chief spymaster, Sir Nigel Lovett-Knightley, famous for his collection of antique...
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Fri Oct 28, 2005 6:52 am

...fabrigee* potatoes...

(*check spelling on that...)
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Postby DaveL on Fri Oct 28, 2005 7:04 am

(Arrgghhh think that be Faberge).

Sir Nigel Lovett-Knightley was a man who held great importance for Hossenfeffer. Cap'n H's life as a pirate was preceded by his life in the diplomatic corp, where he first met his wife Panda.

And the notorious Faberge Potato incident involved the Russian Romanov Tsar's, who had commisioned the potatoes - as the Faberge eggs were just so 'egg-like'. Agent H, as he was then known, stole the eggs with Sir Nigel's help, and they did arrange for them to be buried in the jungle off Santo Domingo.

To flee the Russian's, Hossenfeffer chose the pirates life, while Sir Nigel did vanish. Now the two of them would embark on a great inland journey to recover the potatoes. 'Well this is gonna be tough, we'll need the lads fer this mission' said Capn H. Sir Nigel agreed.

But before we head off, lets go and join the lads for a bit of...
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Postby beagle on Fri Oct 28, 2005 7:54 am

... a jammin' session at Maxwell's Investment Bank and Blues Club, on Gringo Street. So they all headed off to the club where they were entertained by Sir Nigel on Saxophone, and Hossenffeffer singing a selection of Ella Fitzgerald classics.

The following morning they headed off to the Santo Domingo DIY and Treasure Hunting Kit emporium and selected the supplies necessary for a long journey to the interior. They bought donkeys, rafts, canoes, guns, arrows, shovels, spades, maps, compasses, single-use barbecue sets, Porsche shades and maximum-strength suncream. Then they headed off up river (after a short argument as to which way was up). As they went the Captains parrot was muttering under its breath "The horror, the horror", and whistling extracts from Phantom of the Opera. ...
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Postby Griffin on Fri Oct 28, 2005 7:45 pm

..... and Every Time We Say GoodBye (especially for Hossenffeffer).

There would be many people they missed over the next few months and the larks in the clouds above them didn't look too healthy as there was a nasty flu infection doing the rounds. Suddenly Hossenffeffer shrieked "Yikes" as the parrot stopped whistling. "We forgot to bring the radio". Sir Nigel Lovett-Knightley patted him on the shoulder (not the one with the parrot) and said "It's alright Dear. It's just an insurance. We can manage without. It is the 17th century and they haven't been invented yet". Poor Hossenfeffer was by now feeling very confused. "But" he spluttered. He went on spluttering "But" for quite a while. Sir Nigel Lovett-Knightley thought his stammer must have returned. "Those dead cockroaches" he eventually managed. "Quite alright. They don't need a special century to die in." said Sir Nigel Lovett-Knightley. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, No" said Hossenfeffer sounding like the village idiot "The insecticide". Lucky he had Sir Nigel Lovett-Knightley with him, who could explain the workings of 17th century InterPol and their special secret weapons. "Pol is with us; just keep feeding the parrot; never fear and shut up while I inflate the inflatable............
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Postby DaveL on Fri Oct 28, 2005 9:27 pm

...with clip on galley cannons and Jolly Roger painted on the sides.

The 17th century outboard motor was a wee ripper. With the lad in tow, the set off on their journey up the Ozama River, where they would head for the inland town of Bonao, then on to Duarte's Peak to where the Faberge Potatoe's were buried.

One they had the treasure, they planned to head for the town of La Vega, where they would connect with a mighty river and head for the Bay of Samana to be picked by ship.

Here be a map of the journey for yers mateys.

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Postby Griffin on Fri Oct 28, 2005 9:52 pm

Unfortunately, as aforementioned, they had to go up river to reach the Peak. The inflatable was never intended to go uphill, never mind peaks, so they had to get out and carry it. Soon they were out of breath and dejected. They wre also struggling to see the way ahead with the inflatable upturned over their heads. They were just about to make some eyeholes in the inflatable when............
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Postby DaveL on Fri Oct 28, 2005 10:49 pm

...Blind Pugh found a can of petrol for the outboard motor.

For he found is usin' his acute sense of smell. 'Fuel er up Puggy', said Sir Nigel. We'll be goin up river after all.

And with a blast of sea shantey music - which appeared to come from a movie score, as the lads had ditched their instruments - the gang did set off up river.

And on their way up river, they did spy the Spanish settlements with their lovely senoritas. 'Not till after we get the treasure' said Capn H. to Fishguts, who was relieved of the cookin duties.

And they did spy several native settlements, with their missionaries. 'Argggghhh', said Capn H. 'Ey'd love ter get those buggers.'

As the rolled on up river, they hit several obstacles. The Ozama River was shallow in parts, and the lads were forced to carry the rafts over several rocky sections. After a full days travel, they decided to wade ashore and setup camp on the shores of the river. Sir Nigel had taken over the cookin' duties.

Bein' a classy chappy, he cooked some delicious...
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Postby Griffin on Sat Oct 29, 2005 10:39 am

......oysters to get them in the mood. Not that they really needed it but he wasn't taking any chances. Reputations might be at stake. And in any case the river was full of them and not much else. There was an outcry - we wants alligator soup likes usual - but Sir Nigel stuck to his guns. Unfortunately things got out of hand and fights broke out. Eventually Sir Nigel managed to get everyone to turn out their pockets to prove no one was hiding any alligator soup but was also forced to promise the lads there would be some at the summit. The lads didn't believe him at first and insisted on knowing the guest list. Sir Nigel assured them that all World Leaders would be there. But pointed out they would have to be extra sly if they wanted to find the treasure before the World Leaders got their hands on it. He taught them a new shanty to pep themselves up ready for when they reached the peak "Sanctions. Sanctions. We want sanctions" was the first verse.........
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Postby DaveL on Sat Oct 29, 2005 6:06 pm

...and second and third verse, which was gettin' a bit repetitive for the lads.

Meanwhile to the north of Hispanola, a mysterious expedition was makin' its way to Duarte's Peak from Monte Cristi along the Yaque del Norte River. And the twin outboard motors on this baby did quick speed up the river. And the mysterious party wore slightly dated stripey maritime gear.

They spoke in a myserious tongue very un-Spanish like, and that rum they be drinkin' looked more like water. And their music blarin' over their speakers was pure 1970's. Someone else was on the case of the Faberge Potatoes - the Russian Navy was on it's way. And the leader of the Russian expedition was Captian Vassily Blagoyovgradovich (or Capn B for short), a crack naval commando, well reknown for his...
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Postby Griffin on Sat Oct 29, 2005 6:31 pm

....way with jokes. His first mate Davy Jonosovich was in charge of the locker containing the fake Faberge Potatoes they planned to substitue for the originals. They were labelled Do Not Open Til Christmas 2005 and packed in a box declaring Each Potatoe Contains A Specially Printed Joke. Made in Crackov, Russia. Beware: Contains GunPowder. Mysteriously this was all written in English. Meanwhile back in the inflatable Capn H was nudging Sir Nigel, I be having audio and visual hallucinations - I be hearing and seeing many stripey Wide Eyed and Legless boffins. Sir Dr Nigel poped him a quick shot in the arm and told him he'd feel better by...........
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Postby DaveL on Sat Oct 29, 2005 9:34 pm

takin a paracetamol and havin a good lie down. So he did.

Come mornin' the lads were ready to tackle the last approaches to the Ozama and were headin for their next stop Bonao. For at the head of the river they did packup the rafts, and started walkin. Hoo Boy, this walkin sure be a funny way to get around.

And Bonao did have special significance for Capn H, for it was where he first met...
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