Pirates and Equal Opportunities

Arrr, I be a pirate!

Moderator: All Things Mods

Postby ernst rohm on Sat Oct 08, 2005 11:45 pm

well matey you're lookin at this problem all wrong... ya need ta take a turn from the old school british navy and use press gangs... just sweep in early in the morning ta any resort beach front o' your choice and scoop up all the phillies ya need from them as be passed out on the beach... its like looting and pillaging ya just don't leave the women behind after you be done...

as fer the glass yard arm, tell them they be just a capible of inciting mutany and murdering ya in your sleep as you were ta do the same fer the last capin. pirate be great egalitarians... anyone ruthless and brutal enough can scheme and murder their way ta the top no matter their origins.
User avatar
ernst rohm
Cavatappi Cabin Boy
 
Posts: 81
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 12:10 am
Location: along the banks of the mighty allegheny

Postby beagle on Sun Oct 09, 2005 4:25 am

Teripie wrote:Arrrrrrr! If'n ye got the treasure I see no problem gettin' them wenches!

It be alright as a stratagem in the short term. When we goes through what might be called "downturns in our income stream" they be a-heading off for the nearest rival with a shinier ship and a bigger parrot.
They're not bound to the ship in the way we male crew are (with iron chains mostly). I think the ankle chains are too big for em, and they slip away in the night.

Teripie wrote:I always find meself attrcted to shiny things and what cud be more appealin' than a big gold earring???

I be thinking it's time to introduce you to an old pirate seamate of mine what runs a vessel called "Shopping Channel".
beagle
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1930
Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2005 3:12 am
Location: Under sail

Postby beagle on Sun Oct 09, 2005 4:50 am

ernst rohm wrote:well matey you're lookin at this problem all wrong... ya need ta take a turn from the old school british navy and use press gangs...


That be a fine idea, but me crew aren't too bright when it comes to a picking the right candidates. Last time we tried it they had to stage a strategic withdrawal after a three hour pitched battle with Portsmouth Women's Institute.

ernst rohm wrote:as fer the glass yard arm, tell them they be just a capible of inciting mutany and murdering ya in your sleep as you were ta do the same fer the last capin.


I've been a-trying to ween them off that technique fer advancement, a-feeling instead that an annual appraisal system with periodic opportunities for career promotion is a more in keeping wiv modern piracy theory. I put's one of the crews portraits in the wardroom wiv "pirate of the month" under it, and gives em a new bogus job title from time to time. Me first mate is actually now "Executive administrative assistant to the captain, with special responsibility for maritime wealth redistribution, Caribbean region".
It don't work for ever of course, every now and then they gets wise to it and I has to (after a suitable period of consultation) make me nearest rival walk the plank. I be feeling it shows the lower ranks there be room in higher management for em.
beagle
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1930
Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2005 3:12 am
Location: Under sail

Postby ernst rohm on Sun Oct 09, 2005 5:18 am

beagle wrote:
ernst rohm wrote:well matey you're lookin at this problem all wrong... ya need ta take a turn from the old school british navy and use press gangs...


That be a fine idea, but me crew aren't too bright when it comes to a picking the right candidates. Last time we tried it they had to stage a strategic withdrawal after a three hour pitched battle with Portsmouth Women's Institute.

ernst rohm wrote:as fer the glass yard arm, tell them they be just a capible of inciting mutany and murdering ya in your sleep as you were ta do the same fer the last capin.


I've been a-trying to ween them off that technique fer advancement, a-feeling instead that an annual appraisal system with periodic opportunities for career promotion is a more in keeping wiv modern piracy theory. I put's one of the crews portraits in the wardroom wiv "pirate of the month" under it, and gives em a new bogus job title from time to time. Me first mate is actually now "Executive administrative assistant to the captain, with special responsibility for maritime wealth redistribution, Caribbean region".
It don't work for ever of course, every now and then they gets wise to it and I has to (after a suitable period of consultation) make me nearest rival walk the plank. I be feeling it shows the lower ranks there be room in higher management for em.



aaaaargh to have all these fancy titles and ta be fillin out the queens forms ye must be a privateer not a free son of the sea... sure a letter of mark can come in handy, but look at the trade off laddy... soon ye won't even be able ta say aaaaargh fer some EU committee will have found it illegally offensive to someone or something and you'll have to replace it with some land lubbers idea of corperate psychobabble... burn ye letters and forms and only take such wenches as please yourself... sure it ends with the rope or a length of steel thru the vitals, but the freedom tis worth it mate.
User avatar
ernst rohm
Cavatappi Cabin Boy
 
Posts: 81
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 12:10 am
Location: along the banks of the mighty allegheny

Postby The Black Spot on Sun Oct 09, 2005 5:24 am

Arrr, tis true.

I be having to rename our boarding party as the "Outreach Department", and the weekly floggings as the "Staff Incentive Scheme". And all me deckhands are now called middle managers.

I heer'd tell about the battle wi' the Womens' Institute. Tis a rare honour to meet a survivor from that bloodbath.
User avatar
The Black Spot
Stripmeister
 
Posts: 2277
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 7:55 pm
Location: England

Postby beagle on Sun Oct 09, 2005 10:53 am

The Black Spot wrote:I heer'd tell about the battle wi' the Womens' Institute. Tis a rare honour to meet a survivor from that bloodbath.


It were a right messy affair, though a fair part of what we first had down as blood turned out to be Strawberry jam. At least we had plenty of floral arrangements for the burials at sea.
beagle
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1930
Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2005 3:12 am
Location: Under sail

Postby beagle on Sun Oct 09, 2005 11:04 am

ernst rohm wrote:... soon ye won't even be able ta say aaaaargh fer some EU committee will have found it illegally offensive to someone or something and you'll have to replace it with some land lubbers idea of corperate psychobabble...

Arr it be true, but they have scams and treasure on a scale unheard of to us ordinary pirates. Me MEP's travellling expenses alone are worth a kings ransom. And I be finding that flying that blue starry flag thing scares merchantmen more than the old skull and crossbones.
beagle
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1930
Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2005 3:12 am
Location: Under sail

Postby The Black Spot on Sun Oct 09, 2005 1:53 pm

And I be finding that flying that blue starry flag thing scares merchantmen more than the old skull and crossbones


Arrr, they probably be mistaking you for Captain Mandelson and his murderous crew of cut-throats.

There's many a good man gone to Davey Jones' locker after a broadside of red tape from that rig.
User avatar
The Black Spot
Stripmeister
 
Posts: 2277
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 7:55 pm
Location: England

Postby beagle on Sun Oct 09, 2005 2:28 pm

The Black Spot wrote:Arrr, they probably be mistaking you for Captain Mandelson and his murderous crew of cut-throats.


Arr, he be sailing under the colours of Blacque Jacque Chiracque these days. His record made London too hot to hold him,and he be hiding out offshore with the outlaws, cutthroats, and failed national politicians.
beagle
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1930
Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2005 3:12 am
Location: Under sail

Blaque Jaques

Postby black bart on Mon Oct 10, 2005 12:04 pm

Arr, he be sailing under the colours of Blacque Jacque Chiracque these days.


Not another Frenchy - them Frenchies have girls names, like Jean. Still, I'll wager that'l suit Captain Mandleson and his crew of beau recruits!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
User avatar
black bart
Resident Weevil
 
Posts: 25876
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:56 am
Location: London

Postby beagle on Mon Oct 10, 2005 12:38 pm

Careful matey, Auntiee Dee Dee be a big fan of some Frenchy pirate called Jean, and the last one who crossed her about it is still hangin from the yardarm, next to those who suggested Johnny Depp looked as much like a pirate as Martha Stewart do.
beagle
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1930
Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2005 3:12 am
Location: Under sail

Postby The Black Spot on Mon Oct 10, 2005 1:36 pm

Arr there's worse than that Depp fella. I recall some swab called Heston. He played Long John Silver wearing a wig, and couldn't do a proper "Yaaaarrrrr!" to save his life.
User avatar
The Black Spot
Stripmeister
 
Posts: 2277
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 7:55 pm
Location: England

Postby beagle on Mon Oct 10, 2005 4:29 pm

The Black Spot wrote: recall some swab called Heston. He played Long John Silver wearing a wig, and couldn't do a proper "Yaaaarrrrr!" to save his life.


That wouldn't be the Heston Blumenthal what cooks at "The Fat Duck" in Bray I'm a figuring? Yer be meaning that American whose sports mad parents were a naming him after Charlton Athletic?
beagle
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1930
Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2005 3:12 am
Location: Under sail

Postby ernst rohm on Mon Oct 10, 2005 6:55 pm

Auntie Dee Dee wrote:
And his support of the majikal weapons that shoots repeatedly without any thought or aim is a disgrace.

spent time 'board ship in me youth with a fella like that, eyepatch o'malley.... no depth perception don't ya know and 'aff blind in his good eye... wore a brace of 9 pistols including 2 pepperboxes and a doublebarrel matchlock from dagistan.... seemed like o'malley could shoot all day without reloading, unforunately in no particular direction... the only advantage 'is mates had o'r the enemy thas we knew what as a comin'.
User avatar
ernst rohm
Cavatappi Cabin Boy
 
Posts: 81
Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 12:10 am
Location: along the banks of the mighty allegheny

Postby beagle on Tue Oct 11, 2005 2:19 am

ernst rohm wrote:.... seemed like o'malley could shoot all day without reloading, unforunately in no particular direction... the only advantage 'is mates had o'r the enemy thas we knew what as a comin'.


Arr, half me crew's like that. I's been putting in a training scheme so that they's don't all kill emselves before they make me rich. So fars it covers:

Musket use (an armed to the teeth crew is a polite crew)
Knife throwin
Riggin jumpin
Plank walkin
Assertiveness trainin
Bluffin
Mutiny an treason
Drinkin
Wenchin
Care and feeding of parrots
Grand theft, galleon
Anger mismanagement
Mapmaking
Advanced English (writing a cross or thumbprint)
Advance communication skills (Yarrin and Arrrin)
Advanced liein, cheatin, killin und thievin

It be loosely based on "Ethical guidelines for Conservative parliamentary candidates", but I feels as there might be subjects missing.
beagle
Brewmeister
 
Posts: 1930
Joined: Tue Sep 13, 2005 3:12 am
Location: Under sail

PreviousNext

Return to Pirate Discussion

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests

cron