Spin the Ballock Knife

[Cap'n Mitebe Lorst]

Captain Lorst and the crew of the Wanderin’ Penguin were heading toward the Admiral Benbow Tavern.
As they meandered up Penny Street the Cap’n was humming the tune they had heard aboard the Big Brenda.

Sitting at the table in the inn more and more people started to join in quietly with the tune. The drink flowed. A couple of musicians listened for a moment then began to play on squeezebox and fiddle. Under the table feet began to stamp in time to the music and at the start of each line mugs of foaming beer crashed onto the rough hewn table.
It had obviously turned into an impromptu drinking chantey.

Lorst drew out his ballock knife and placed it in the centre of the table, the tip of the blade pointing towards himself. He sang the verse that he had heard on Bert’s ship,

“Wunce oi wuz in Irelan’
Diggin’ turf an’ tayters
An’ now oi'se on a Pyrit ship
Crewed by Master…”

With a might crash of beer mugs the assembled pirates joined in with the chorus:

‘WAY haul away, we’ll haul away Joe

Lorst gripped the ballock knife and spun it. It came to rest pointing at….

[Cap'n Mitebe Lorst]

… ‘Halitosis Jack’ Hackem

‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away JACK

Jack jumped up onto the table. Holding his trousers as if he was wearing a wench’s skirt he danced a little jig.

“Wunce oi wuz a farmer
Shuvvlin up tha muck
But now oi lives a pyrits loife
An’ cuddent give a …"

‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away Joe

Jack gave the knife a spin. It pointed to….

[Cap'n Mitebe Lorst]

… Bosun Higgs

‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away HIGGS

“Oi wuz on the Spannish Main
Livin’ by me wits
But Kissi sed ‘Yer’ll sail wi’ me
Cuz oi’ve got bigger …”

‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away Joe

Higgs gave the knife a spin. It pointed to….

[Cap'n Mitebe Lorst]

… Quartermaster ‘Pegnose’ Throgmorton.

‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away PEGS

Throgmorton scowled at the crew. He was already on his ninth beer and was becoming a bit morose.

“Wen oi wuz makin’ up this verse
Oi thort, It’s chust a farce
Oi’m tired o’ havin’ ter join yer games
So shuv it up yer…"

‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away Joe

Most of the other customers in the Benbow were now squeezing in to have their turn.
Throgmorton gave the knife a spin. It pointed to….

[DavidH]

Lorst.

‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away LORST

Lorst took a pull at his snake-venom cider and finally came out with it:

"They told Oi that thee pyrate's loife
Would make Oi rich and famous,
But they wuz goddam liars
They can shove it up their ...."

Lorst span thee knoife wiv 'is 'ook. Guess who it pointed at....

[Calico Jack]

Calico Jack!
Jack flew down from the rafters to sing his little ditty.

"Way haul away, (Ack), we'll haul way JACK!

Ruffling his feathers Jack quickly sang

"I've come to steal all yer wemmins..
Ye can't stop me, nay, even if ye try.
For I'm a fine bird O'the feather...
And yer wemmins have such a loverly...."

Jack spun the knife with his beak, and quickly flew away when it pointed to....

[Roy Hunter]

Black Bart.

"Way Haul Away! We'll Haul Away Bart!"

Bart tottered in from the privy, buttocks clenched, his legs motionless above the knees, as if they had been tied together (or he was wearing a pencil skirt, to each their own).

"A life at sea's the one fer me,
Blowin' Frenchies an' Spanyerds ter bits!
Takin' their wemmins (ACK!) an' plundrin' their gold,
Except when Oi've got me thee..."

Bart spun the knife. It came to rest pointing at...

[black bart]

Thee cabin boy one Nef Yoo Blackbeard. A slip of a lad wiv a gyant hat wot thee crew had taken on board at Tortuga after findin him hidin in a vat o lollypops from Brazil.

‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away Nef Yoo

Nef Yoo sucked his lolly wiv one eye on thee thiefin parrot on Bart's shoulder...

"They came in search o thee Great White Whale
Thee Cap'n called her Brenda
When up she rose from the briny depths
We all sang 'Return to Sender'.

Fank ye ye welcumm...

Nef Yoo spun his lollypop (due to health and safety issues he be too young to handle sharp hobjeks) an thee Lolly came to rest pointin at...

[DavidH]

DavidH

‘Way haul away, we’ll haul away Dave'

H waved his mighty red hat and let forth a thunderous peal of flatulence which stunned the weevil on Bart's shoulder.

"Thee Frenchies be an idle crew
A-resting on their rowlocks,
If I was capting of their boat
I'd cut off all their ...."

Kicking thee garstly Pegnose out o' thee way with a suttle boot to thee groin, Dave give thee noife a hard spin.
When it stopped it wuz pointin at ...

[Ham Nox]

... Ham Nox

A little shocked, since she wasn't up in the front or anything, but she's had enough to stumble over and try.

"Oi've lived heer me 'ole damn life
Bot oi know me knots 'n hitches
The last crew laufd at me applicashun
So oi toid 'em up all thum ...."

Way haul away, we'll haul away Ham

Ham delicately reaches across the table and flicks the knife into a spin, then skips away into the crowd.

[TwistedSister]

Twisty Puss who after shaking her finger at Ham and yelling "WATCH IT MISSY! YOU COULD PUT SOMEONE'S EYE OUT WITH THAT THING!!" pushes her way through the crowd, goosing all the men she passes.

"Way haul away, we'll haul away Twisty."

"Although I'm not very good at pirate speak
and I wear leather panties on my head,
My cookies taste good seven days a week
and I've been told I'm great in ......"

Giving a curtsy to the crowd (as well as her phone number to a few of the men) Twisty gives the knife a spin and it points to......

[DavidH]

Thee disgusting little shantyman, Shaw Tarse:

"Way haul away, we'll haul away Tarse."

"A shantyman's a filthy beast"
And sings o' the Good Ship Venus;
But even Oi will stop, at least,
At thee loine about thee captain's ..."

Swinging his shantyman's fiddle around his head, Tarse cleared a space and span thee knoife. He was long gone when it slowed and stopped, pointing right at none other than...

[black bart]

Cap'n Cronan imself!!!!!!

No one had seen im slip on board

"Way haul away, we'll haul away Cronan." gulped thee petrified crew

When thee tide is high an Cronan sails
Ye'll be sure ta rue thee day
Thee shyppe be doomed to go down like lead
Stick yer head below yer arse and pray

Wiv an evil grin Cronan pointed at thee fast approaching iceberg an span the knife...

[Nef Yoo BlackBeard]

DID SUMWUN SAA MY NOIM !?

HOKAY DEN I GUNNA SIN FUR YAS !

ahum
farfalalalalalalala
mememememe

dis my widdle peepot
sort an stowt
i hole in me hanz
an i wave et all abowt
lalalalalalaalaaa

HOBOY
I SMELL PIGGYBURGURZ!!!!!

byby