New Portsmouth Public Pirate School Curiculum

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Thee Bulletin Board 'as gorn up. Lessin toimes be as follows:

9:00am - School begins.
9:01am: - Foist lunch.
9:02am: - Nurse goes on dutee.
9:03am:- Lessins begin.
9:03:25: - Lessins end.
9:04am through 2:59pm: - Allotted groping toime, also allotted 'oops, oi've got a boo-boo on me winkie, can ye kiss it bittir?' toime.
3:00pm: - Home toime.

[Dan (dat haole dude)]

an', bes' uv all, oi heard dat Nurse's "mouth-canker-of-death" has almos' com-pleetely, fo' reals, gone intae remission (still got one beeg acidic drool thingy, but, wot's loif widdouta likkle ad-wenture?)

[Edd]

Dear Principal Cullinane:

I’m a bit concerned about the amount of rum consumed by my little Johnny at school and the amount of time he spends on extra-curricular activities at Madame Fifi’s.

Where are my tax dollars going?!

(Not that I pay taxes, but that’s not the point.)

Little Johnny comes home at a decent hour, sober, with barely a hint of cheap perfume on him!

I sincerely hope that school staff is not abusing their positions of authority by denying my wee ‘un the opportunity to learn life lessons and hoarding all the ‘educational benefits’ of school resources for themselves.

If this continues, I shall have to inform my husband when he returns from pillaging and we will schedule a pirate/teacher conference. We will bring our musket and leg-irons and you can provide the tea and biscuits.



--Concerned Mother of twelve, ages 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1. (My husband returns once a year, you see…)

[DaveL]

Dearest Concerned Mother of Twelve,

It sounds like there has been a mixup with Little Johnny's enrolment. I'm fearful he's bin mistakenly enrolled at the Royal Naval Academy by mistake.
For a small exhorbitant fee, Oi can send two of me best sixth graders armed to teeth to take on the Kings finest. They won't know what hit 'em!

By the way, those leg irons could come in handy for a few after school activities I've been partaking in. Although judging by the number of kids yer got, it sounds like ye be usin' 'em for some weird stuff already.

Koind Regards,

Principal Cullinane

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Dear Principal Cullinane.

Aargh, me young Jimlad came up to me today an' sed that he was bludginin' 'is mate, little Bobby Two-Eyes when ye told 'em ta stop.

What be the meenin' o' this ootraje? Jus' 'ow be me little Jimlad supposed to grow up to be a pub-lick menice when ye be tellin' him not to hit peepl? Oi be also for-woord-in' this 'ere message to thee Board o' Piratic Eddycashinal Studies.

Oi 'ope to see ye on the battilfield,
Cap'n Long John Underwear

[DaveL]

Dear Capn John,

Your little blaggard was pulled from the fight for one reason. He has bin selected for a special course entitled 'Advanced Bludgening Others With A Blunt Object 306'. Oi needs him to hinspire the others, so he'll be putting his wares to good use, so don't ye worry.

If his behavious continues, Oi will be puttin him up a grade, rest assured.

Yours in debauchery,

Principal Cullinane

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

New item for the Bulletin Board

The Science, Quantum Mechanics an' Dork Matter class now be locatid in thee Ocelot Buildin', as the Large DORKON Collida 'as malfunckshinned an' sent Professer Zankou back in toime, destroyin' a wall in thee prosess. Three teams o' Science People 'ave bin taken gutted to stop them from tryin' to git thee bastard.

Thee class will now be headed by Professer Bart, who swears that 'e red a physiks textbook wunce.

[PantyGnawer]

New item for the Bulletin Board

Hin an hattempt ta save money we be rescheduling ha few hevents:


-Barts Galley Heckonomics class on barnacle stew as beeen moved to the 12th.
-Arr hanual barnacle scrapin compe ti shun as been moved tuh the 11th.
-Tha galley menu for the 13th as been changed to Bart's Barnacle Stew.
-Our annual visit from school nurse Ratched as been moved up to the 14th.

[black bart]

New item for the Bulletin Board

Wot ever pupil was responsible fer the drawin on the school privy wall of Principal Cullinane an an unkown cabin boy, will report to Professor Pieces o Nine's art & forgery class forthwith...it was really good.

[pieces o'nine]

Addendum t' thee Bullitin Bored
Yarrrgh! That sketch be skolershippe mutt ariel.

[Dan (dat haole dude)]

WHAAZAT??we gots a school privy??? w'y you clowns no tell da res' uv da "Language Arrrts Deparrgh-ment"? (we bin doin' da 1 'n' 2 inna "fish'ead-stoo" vats, cuz we figgah....whoza gonna notice da extry hingreedy-hints?)..where's me union rep? where's me big pointy stick? where's me las' shred o' diggity?? oi wanna hex-plunashun an' reparations an' a cuppa an' ..oh sod it...guess it's toime t' get silly-vized, er, civilized & whiz'n'poop inna respecka-tibble manner..*slinks away towards "Privy Lane" wit' a downcast mien*..

[PantyGnawer]

Iff we give a skolar-ship tuh the lad whut done the artwerk, theun we needs tuh giv wun in English Litter chure to the lad what wrote the dirty limmerick about bart hon thee same wall. That lads got sum talint!

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

An' dun fergit the lad whoo was sent to the kitchens as punnishmint fer not beltin' 'is fellow pirate. The blaggard added sum sort o' spice to the Fish Head Stewe an' made it ackshoeallee digestible!

[pieces o'nine]

Yarrrgh!

Hit be toime ter send owt Letters ov Marque t'awl arrrgh hallumnoise agin, axin 'em [well, demandin be moor loike hit, as we still has bofe thee fotos an thee negitivs fer sum of 'em] t' send in a porshun ov theyre booty t'fund thee Portsmouth Public Pirate School skolershippes.

Oi'll be takin hup this mattir wiv Principal Cullinane wen thee faculty gets togevver over grog -- er -- t'prepayre fer the Pirate-Teecher Meetins later this week.

[black bart]

Arrrrgh...lucky them pupils be talented but short...I wuz able ta clean that limerick orf wiv a good hard slash.