Mr. Coffee Sought in Connexion to Performing Arts Scandal; Claims "DECAF?!?!?! Wut kin' o' pansy do ye t'ink meh tah beh?! Darrr wuz no whey et wuz meh, if'n et beh frakkin' decaf"
Witnesses contradict this statement, claiming to have seen a shifty man fitting Fueledbycoffee's description purchasing decaffeinated coffee from a well-known underground dealer. When confronted with this statement, Mr. Coffee replied, puzzlingly, "Et wuz farr parrrsuhnel yoos! Et's not an addiction! Ye'll nae git meh!" before running, babbling wildly, aboard his ship, raising anchor, and setting off on an unspecified course.
All Pirates Bulletin Put Out for Fueledbycoffee, Who Was Last Seen *********
Vote Pieces for Pope! She didn't buy me off with the funny hat, I swear!... She made me a cardinal.