The Wise Council of Olive Garden has adjudicated the first of what will be held among the many Canonical LETTERS.
The Council wishes to make known that The following missives were written to sects within the Church of the Flying Spaghetti to correct heresies which have occurred in various Pastafarian Fellowships. The contents herein correct those heresies as mentioned.
These are among the many texts up for consideration, and are by no means to be considered a finalized set. If you have submitted works that are not herein included, fear not! The Wise Council of Olive Garden is getting there. All Good Things Taketh Time.
Yes, I know, I wrote them myself, but I'm the one translating all these tablets... we get questions... I find answers... I check with the Council. I either get a beating or a doughnut. This time it was a doughnut. s/s
a letter to the Macaronians
1My humble apologies for my long absence from among you. 2I have been traveling with a group of Pirates on their ship the Trouser Snake. 3The Captain seems to occasionally fall into deep rum-induced revelries. 4This doth slow the boatâ€™s travel no end, as you might imagine. 5It is tolerable, however, 6as he is a man of our faith and his revelries often produce tales both highly amusing and which seem inspired by Our Noodly Lord Himself, when I can parse them out.
7As you know, the Pirate requirement has not come easily to me. 8I suffer to this day with seasickness, 9and a formal education doesn't exactly lend itself to the subtleties of the Pirate idiom. 10That, and every time I use â€œdem dere fancy-pants wordsâ€, I am threatened with being forced to walked the plank. 11I still struggle with the necessity to include occasional â€œYarrrrrâ€™sâ€, â€œArrrrrrrrghâ€™sâ€, and â€œYo ho hoâ€™sâ€ in my speech. 12I have more than once had a suspicious eye cast upon me, 13and a few â€œYa best not be none aâ€™ them scurvy dogs oâ€™the port authority, or yeâ€™ll be aâ€™hanginâ€™ from the mainmast like the Jolly Rogerâ€™sâ€.
14I am sorry to have indulged in recounting to you my troubles. 15On to the issue at hand; 16I can see from your letter to me that there is dissention among you as to who shall enter the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory of Heaven. 17Obviously, the True Believers shall enter directly, and as customers in no need of reservations. 18They shall be asked to recount their preferences, and thusly shall those preferences be fulfilled. 19I am relieved that I can see nothing in your letter which indicates that this is forgotten among you.
20It is most troubling to me, however, to see that there is argument among you that some sort of separate Hell, 21where those not of The Faith in Our Lord Glob may be thought to go upon their death. 22No, verily no! 23This is not the way of His Great Tastiness. 24He may be most peevish toward the non-believer, tâ€™is true, as the many accounts of His pranks do demonstrate. 25He condemneth not, however, any of His Creatures to eternal torment â€“ 26that is one of the many great sillinesses devised by other earthly religions! 27There is a place in Heaven, though not necessarily pleasant, for all His Creatures.
28Well-meaning non-believers will arrive as wait-staff, with fair labor conditions, 29and may eventually be promoted into upper management positions. 30There will exist, however, no corruption among them. 31During their time off, they will have access to the pleasures of Heaven if they did harm unto no one. 32If they were inconsiderate, or broke the Flimsy Moral Standards by judging others and holding others in contempt for behavior which was none of their business, they will have to pay, and be limited in what they can enjoy. 33Especially nasty people will become the dishwashers and trash-collectors of Heaven.
34Those who have committed great sin, crime, and harm during their time among the living will find their job assignments especially nasty, 35their wages insultingly low, 36their benefits almost non-existent, 37their time off especially short, 38their beer flat, 39their strippers homely, 40and their pasta cold and flavorless. 41They will have no room for advancement for many millennia.
42Lastly are those who did irreparable large-scale harm to the lives of others; they will be treated most harshly. 43The tyrants, the conquerors, the despots, the otherwise greedy and sickeningly unfairâ€¦ all these will be made to bow down to those whom they harmed. 44Though they will not boil in eternal torment, there will be no end to their subservience. 45Our Heavenly Glob instilled in them the same sense of right and wrong that He gave to others, 46and these people willfully chose to ignore it. 47For them, unkindness in return awaits.
48The Flying Spaghetti Monster who is Our Lord did not create us that we might simply then be condemned for failing to believe in Him. 49What kind of crazy scheme is that; 50to bestow his Creatures with life, then to throw that life he bestowed into eternal torment? 51That is the way of evil deities, not good ones. 52Our One Who Flies and is Saucy understands that life among beings with free will, on a planet with natural systems that cause tumult, and Scientifically Intelligently Designed by a deity who is prankish and can be peevish, should not end in eternal misery. 53Thatâ€™s insane. 54What kind of fool would believe such a being worthy of worship?
55My Macaronian friends at Meullers, I hope this missive has cleared up the dissent among you, 56and that you will remain joyful in your fellowship and belief in all things Pasta and Saucy. 57Celebrate all things Cheesy, 58and find strength among one another and Our Wise and Great Noodly One Who Touches. Oh, 59and I forgot: Yarrrrrrrrrrr.
Your Scribe Solipsy
A second letter to the Macaronians
1Praise be to Our Lord Glob in Heaven, 2and a hearty yo-ho-ho unto you, my Brother and Sister Pastafarians. 3I am pleased to hear that my previous missive was well-received, 4and that the stonings have ceased. 5Our Noodly One finds it reprehensible that violence be done in His Most Tasty Name. 6The ancient and wise prophets tell of many misinterpretations of the concept of punishment in His Noodlinessâ€™s World and the Hereafter of the Sacred Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory. 7This is not without cause; for our minds are small and His is Infinite. Yarrr, indeed.
8Let me mention again my familiarity with the writings of ancient prophets, 9for it is to these we must turn for answers to the complex questions you now ask. 10I do not doubt that misunderstanding of this abstraction was at the root of your squabble over the nature of the afterlife, 11and your confusion over how souls will be sorted. 12Argggghhhhh, this be one of the sticky points of Our Great Stringy and Orbed Oneâ€™s Creation of All That There Is: the Flimsy Moral Standards.
13Arguments have ensued since the Great Creation of the Midgit/Midget as to what constitutes â€œFlimsyâ€, 14what constitutes â€œMoralâ€, 15and what constitutes â€œStandard(s)â€. 16To further complicate the matter, the three words are solidified into a single phrase, 17with its own set of semantic confusion and argument. 18The errors and heresies of the past have been a result of eliminating or misinterpreting one of the words.
19You will remember, of course, the now extinct sect of the Moustaciolians. 20Their heresy was a dismissal of the word â€œFlimsy.â€ 21They argued that the word was too abstract for an actual definition â€“ too â€œflimsy,â€ if you will. 22They therefore disregarded it altogether, and simply went about enforcing what they regarded as â€œMoral Standards.â€ 23This led them to become a warlike culture, hated by all their neighbors. 24They were so sexually repressed they refused to reproduce; 25hence their current status as extinct.
26A similar fate befell the Ricearonians, 27whose heretical fallacy was to argue against any definable concept of Morals. 28No activity was forbidden. 29If another believer looked at you oddly, 30you could simply kill him. 31As you may imagine, this led to a shortage of converts, and an ever-shortening list of followers. 32The Ricearonians lasted about six months.
33The Couscousians have thankfully veered away from their disastrous heresy of refusing to imagine that Standards can be applied. 34They felt that the word â€œFlimsyâ€ was irreconcilable with the word â€œStandard.â€ 35Therefore, they simply had â€œFlimsy Morals.â€ 36The Couscousians were well on their way to dying from preventable Sexually Transmitted Diseases. 37A few Letters and some cases of Penicillin have since put the Brothers and Sisters back on the road to True Believership.
38The Great Pastalogians and Pastapologists of the past have insisted that the three words be regarded in their entirety. 39They appear together without fail, in every ancient known source text. 40Granted, the overall concept can be easily misinterpreted, but you must bear in mind this: 41Flimsy Moral Standards are not the same as No Moral Standards. 42The Pastalogians of yore remind us that the concept of Flimsy Moral Standards must be interpreted as a whole with the â€œNot Commandments, Suggestions,â€ and various other ancient canonical texts.
43So, what is it you must know, my Pastafarian Brothers and Sisters? 44You must always keep in mind this: 45Whatever occurs between consenting adults and neither hurts nor involves anyone else is none of anyone elseâ€™s concern. 46Whatever one chooses to do while alone which hurts no one else is none of anyone elseâ€™s concern. 47Pastafarians should never choose to engage in behavior which is harmful to others or involves people who do not or cannot consent. 48Such is true for behaviors both large and small, when it is in the control of the True Believer to avoid.
49Our Heavenly Sauced and Meaty One has blessed all people with knowledge of right and wrong, 50whether they are True Believers or not. 51Beware, O My Kindred Pastafarians, those who claim to have a corner on the market of morality. 52When you hear them start to spout off, you know the smiting will soon follow 53and it wonâ€™t be a deity doing it. 54I hope, My Macaronian Brethren, that this clears up the matter, 55and that you will keep the Delicious Faith with you always. 56Ahoy.
Your Scribe Solipsy