The "gateway condiment"
High school students start out with ketchup, thinking that it's "harmless fun." Thinking "they can stop anytime they want."
Before they know it, however, they have graduated to harder condiments with hip, streetwise names: "Grey Poupon," "Big Daddy's BBQ Sauce," "Miracle Whip," all the way up to the notorious and horrific "Cheez Whiz" and "Reddi-wip." They can be found in darkened corners of the cafeteria, furtively handing over allowances, lunch money, or minimum wages to a sleazy ketchup pusher, risking detention or even suspension to get a fix!
Parents and school board members of America! Wake up! End this scourge of cheap and possibly tainted condiments warping the minds and tastebuds of our young! It takes years of rehab to bring these lost children to an appreciation of finer tastes -- indeed, any taste at all -- once their unsophisticated tastebuds have been scarred by black market ketchup. The most tragic cases will be doomed to a life of "fast food", tv dinners, "lite" beer, and processed snack foods.
Take a stand! Ketchup smothers a beating taste bud! Stop ketchup before it cripples someone you love!
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens