I need some corny jokes

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Postby EarthRise on Sun Jul 08, 2007 10:07 pm

Two pretzels were walking down the street, and one was a-salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve food here."

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says, "I'd like a beer, and one for the road."

Two atoms are sitting at a bar. One suddenly exclaims, "I just lost an electron!" His friend says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "I'm positive!"

A string walks into a bar; the bartender says, "We don't serve strings here." So the string walks outside, messes up his hair, and ties himself up in several places. He walks back in. The bartender asks, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a moment ago?" The string says, "Frayed knot."
[...] the difficulty of believing that a perfect and complex eye could be formed by natural selection, though insuperable by our imagination, should not be considered as subversive of the theory.
-Darwin
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Postby EarthRise on Sun Jul 08, 2007 10:16 pm

Just got this one in the mail, but you'll need to memorize it all:

An E-flat, a C, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying: "Excuse me, I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.
[...] the difficulty of believing that a perfect and complex eye could be formed by natural selection, though insuperable by our imagination, should not be considered as subversive of the theory.
-Darwin
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Postby St John the Blasphemist on Mon Jul 09, 2007 4:26 am

Two vomits walking down a country road. One vomit says to the other (with an air of sentimentality in his voice), "You see that house over there?"

The other vomit says "yeah."

The first vomit says "That's where I was brought up."

A guy walks into a doctor's & says "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me," and a voice coming from his stomach says "No you haven't."

A guy climbs down a ladder into a doctor's with a chimney over his shoulder & says "Doctor, I'm coming down with the flu."

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Couple

Postby black bart on Mon Jul 09, 2007 9:24 am

A couple made an arrangement that whoever died first would come back and inform the other about the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife (Ok, they weren't pastafarians!)

After a long and happy life, Fred was the first to go and true to his word, he made contact:

"Mary, Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like then, Sweatheart?"
"Well, I wake up in the morning, I have sex, then I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course." "Then I bathe in the sun for a while and have sex again before lunch." "In the afternoon, it's another romp round the golf course, more sex, then supper." "After supper, I go back to the golf course until it gets dark and then I go off to bed." "The next day, it starts all over again."

"Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, Darling, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk!"
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby Cryofdragon on Mon Jul 09, 2007 12:11 pm

EarthRise wrote:Just got this one in the mail, but you'll need to memorize it all:

An E-flat, a C, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying: "Excuse me, I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.


That was quite possably the best thin I have ever read.
Still Alive.
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Postby capidosia on Mon Jul 09, 2007 1:30 pm

kid walking down the road, and a car pulls up next to him. the windows winds down, and a voice says "kid, i'll give you a sweet to get into my car!"
"no!" says the kid, and walks off.

the car pulls up again.. "kid, i'll give you a magazine if you'll get in my car!" "NO!" says the kid and runs off

the car pulls up a third time, and the voice says "kid, i'll give you any magazine you want, and any sweets you'd like if you'll get in my car
!"

the kid looks at the diver, and says "you brought the skoda dad, you can live with it!"

that work?
i wanted to put something intellegent here, but thinking hurt too much

(please ingore any gramitical or spelling mistakes... the keyboard at my work is nackered.. and the idiot who uses it has no spell checker, and a learning dissablity... so bear with me please.)
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Re: Couple

Postby Rainswept on Mon Jul 09, 2007 3:10 pm

black bart wrote:A couple made an arrangement that whoever died first would come back and inform the other about the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife (Ok, they weren't pastafarians!)

After a long and happy life, Fred was the first to go and true to his word, he made contact:

"Mary, Mary."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like then, Sweatheart?"
"Well, I wake up in the morning, I have sex, then I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course." "Then I bathe in the sun for a while and have sex again before lunch." "In the afternoon, it's another romp round the golf course, more sex, then supper." "After supper, I go back to the golf course until it gets dark and then I go off to bed." "The next day, it starts all over again."

"Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, Darling, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk!"


lol. for some unknowable reason, I like this one.



How do you catch an original rabbit?

Uniqe up on it.


A blonde gets on a plane to hollywood and sits in 1st class, because she wants to be a star and stars sit in 1st class. The crew reason, plead, trick, and whine, but she steadfastly refuses to move to coach where her ticket is for. Finally the captain comes out, and upon hearing the problem walks over and whispers in the blonde's ear. She immediately apologizes to everyone and moves to the rear of the plane.

The pilot explains: "I simply told her this part of the plane wasn't going to Hollywood."
I believe it's time for mankind to set aside the crutch of religion and embrace morality born of reason and truth. Those crutches have long since proven treacherous when the ground gets slippery.
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Postby Chimaera on Mon Jul 09, 2007 4:02 pm

A man walks into a butcher's shop. "I'd like a pane of glass please". "This is a butcher's shop. You need a glazier. We can't sell you a pane of glass". "Well, you have one in the window."
Je me presse de rire de tout, de peur d'être obligé d'en pleurer
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Postby weare182 on Mon Jul 09, 2007 4:10 pm

Hahaha, hes gonna like these jokes, thanks for em guys =D keep em coming though
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Postby Land Shark on Mon Jul 09, 2007 11:46 pm

So, a duck walks into a bar. He hopps up on one of the barstools and asks, "Hey, you got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have any grapes." So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back, and asks, "Hey, you got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No. This is a bar. We don't have any grapes." So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes into the bar, and asks, "Hey, you got any grapes?"

The bartender grabs the duck by the neck, and says, "Look, duck, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes I am going to nail your webbed feet to this bar."

So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes into the bar, and askes, "Hey, you got any nails?"

"Well, no. This is a bar, we don't ahve any nails."

"Got any grapes?"
I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. -Edgar Allan Poe
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Ring

Postby black bart on Tue Jul 10, 2007 8:26 am

Nother Tommy Cooper joke, I like this one:

One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby St John the Blasphemist on Tue Jul 10, 2007 4:38 pm

Two flamingoes got married & put two plastic Italians on their front lawn.

Italians love that joke.


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Intelligence: What stupid people think they have lots of.
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Postby Rainswept on Tue Jul 17, 2007 5:43 pm

A little girl asks her mom: "Momma, how come some of your hair is grey?"

The mom replies: "Well, every time you're a bad girl, every time you make momma worry, every time you make momma cry... one of her hairs turns grey!"

The little girl looks horrified: "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hair is grey!?!?"
I believe it's time for mankind to set aside the crutch of religion and embrace morality born of reason and truth. Those crutches have long since proven treacherous when the ground gets slippery.
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Postby ke_mikiao on Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:20 am

a Priest, Rabbi, and minister went fishing off a boat in a pond.

they're out on the water discussing religion when the Rabbi notices they're almost out of bait. He gets up, steps off the boat and walks across the the water to shore. After a few minutes, the Rabbi yells back that he cant find the bait....the minister decides to go help, so he steps off the boat and walks across the water to shore to help.

The Priest is just stunned. He can't believe they could walk over the water. He starts thinking, "im just as Holy, if not more so, than they are....i should be able to do this"

he stands up.....takes a deep breath....and steps off the boat.....and SPLASH strait under water. Soaking wet, he climbs back onto the boat. he thinks to himself "i can do this" says a quick prayer and tries again....SPLASH, right back into the water

the Rabbi and minister are watching from shore, laughing

the Rabbi turns to the minister and says "think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?"

---------------------

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri."

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri doc.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book

the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
------------

ok.....im done for now
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Postby boghog on Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:28 am

A guy walks into a florist shop and orders a dozen roses.

The florist gives the guy his roses and the guy pays, leaves, and sits down on a bench in front of the shop. He then proceeds to take a rose out of the bunch, bite the flower off, and throw the stem in the garbage can next to him. He takes out the next rose and does the same thing: eats the flower, throws the stem away. Eventually he finishes all the roses, puts the remains of the wrapping in the garbage can, gets up and leaves.

The florist and another customer have been watching the whole thing, and they're both shocked at what they're seeing. The florist says to the customer, "have you ever seen anything like that? That guy's crazy!"

The customer says, "I know! The stems are the best part!"
Now Hypercaffeinated! Share and Enjoy!

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