I need some corny jokes

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I need some corny jokes

Postby weare182 on Fri Jul 06, 2007 5:48 pm

Every day at the end of the day, my camp counsler has to tell a joke (and they are always rather corny.) So, I've been browsing these forums and realized it is a treasure trove (pirate pun, damn I'm clever) of corney jokes. These jokes can be on any topic, and they can also be funny but they must be simple and they MUST BE CLEAN. So I turn to you, my fellow Pastafarians, to help me in my time of need.


Thanks
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Postby Land Shark on Fri Jul 06, 2007 9:37 pm

Two guys were walking down a street. One of them walks into a bar. The other guy turns to him sand says "Ouch, that must have hurt."

Variation:
Two guys were walking down a street. They both walk into a bar. You think one of them would have seen it.
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Postby Rainswept on Sat Jul 07, 2007 12:29 am

What kind of car did the disciples drive?

Bible says they were all of one Accord.
I believe it's time for mankind to set aside the crutch of religion and embrace morality born of reason and truth. Those crutches have long since proven treacherous when the ground gets slippery.
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Postby weare182 on Sat Jul 07, 2007 2:51 pm

HAHAHAHA lmao good ones. He'll like these. Thanks.
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corny

Postby black bart on Sat Jul 07, 2007 6:33 pm

Bit old this one...but it is corny:

Did you know that Black magic has infiltrated the world of professional tennis...yes, that Goran EvenHe'saVitch!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby weare182 on Sat Jul 07, 2007 6:43 pm

Hahaha, it's not old. I've never heard it.
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Postby St John the Blasphemist on Sat Jul 07, 2007 9:56 pm

Slip this one into a conversation:

You: Hey did you hear about that actress who got stabbed recently?

Them: No--who was it?

You: Oh wow. I can't remember her name. That blonde one. She got stabbed. What's her name? Reese... Reese...

Them: Witherspoon?

You: No, no. It was with a knife.

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Re: corny

Postby Land Shark on Sun Jul 08, 2007 12:48 am

black bart wrote:Bit old this one...but it is corny:

Did you know that Black magic has infiltrated the world of professional tennis...yes, that Goran EvenHe'saVitch!


There was a comedian that had a heavy accent, I think it was Russian, and he would talk about someone with the last name Sonovavitch.

He did audible (verbal?) punctuation. He was really funny.

EDIT:
Victor Borge! He's on youtube.
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Postby weare182 on Sun Jul 08, 2007 1:04 am

Hahaha, liking the witherspoon one. They can probobly fit that in. Keep the jokes coming though.
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Postby Rainswept on Sun Jul 08, 2007 7:11 am

A man has a great seat at the Superbowl, so he's surprised to discover the seat next to him is empty. He asks the gentleman on the other side of the empty seat if he knows whom the seat belongs to.

"Yes," replies the second man "I bought that seat for my wife, but she passed away recently."

The first man gives his condolences, but wonders why the widower didn't bring another friend or loved one to the game in her place.

"Oh, well they're all at the funeral today."
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Postby weare182 on Sun Jul 08, 2007 2:34 pm

hahaa
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Postby Chimaera on Sun Jul 08, 2007 2:48 pm

Hard to beat Tommy Cooper. Some examples from that link:

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.
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Postby ken worley on Sun Jul 08, 2007 3:57 pm

A fat 8-year-old boy is sitting on a park bench, methodically eating an entire sack of chocolate candy.
His face is smeared with it, and a little chocolate drool runs from the corner of his mouth, as he is stuffing the pieces in too fast for his own mastication.

An elderly man walking along the path pauses, leaning on his cane, and studies the boy for a few seconds, a disapproving scowl on his face.

But the fat kid, after a cursory initial glance, ignores the old man, and his growing indignance.

Finally, sick of this "impudence", the old man speaks up.

"You know, sonny," he says sharply, "eating that much candy isn't good for you!"

The little boy stops shoving candy in his mouth, chews a few more times, swallows, and while licking his fingers, replies, "My grandfather ate candy every day, and he lived to be 97."

"And you think he lived that long because he ate candy?" the old man snapped.

"No.", was the little boy's muffled response , already chewing again.
"Because he knew how to mind his own fucking business."
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Postby Rainswept on Sun Jul 08, 2007 4:47 pm

ken worley wrote:"mind his own fucking business."


Yeah. that's perfect for a camp councellor and definately qualifies as "MUST BE CLEAN" hehe
I believe it's time for mankind to set aside the crutch of religion and embrace morality born of reason and truth. Those crutches have long since proven treacherous when the ground gets slippery.
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Postby ken worley on Sun Jul 08, 2007 5:15 pm

Well, if a person had the time, and diligence, and ingenuity, they could probably reword that one to produce a "family" version...Image



This one might be harder to clean.


A mother, sick of her sons' increasingly foul language, decided once and for all to put an end to it.
She'd tried lectures, warnings, even a "swear jar", but nothing had worked....Drastic measures were called for.

One determined morning, she got out her skillet, and breakfast foods, and called her boys down for breakfast.

Turning to the older boy, she said, "What would you like for breakfast, Billy?"...


"Meh, I'll have some fuckin' pancakes, I guess.", he idly replied.

WHACK!!! went the woman's spatula, leaving an angry red welt across Billy's shocked face.

She then turned to the younger, and pointed the spatula at the tip of his nose, and, through gritted teeth, seethed, "...And what would you have this morning, James?"...


With eyes like saucers, James stammered, "Well, sure as shit, I don't want no fucking pancakes!"



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