Rabbit Test Puts Cops On The Hop
This column comes with an important disclaimer--it was written by somebody else.
The following comes in part from an American police journal, with the local interpretation provided by a senior New South Wales police officer who had best remain nameless.
Clearly, it was a slow day in the office---but it's nice to know at least one person in the upper echelons of constabulary retains a sense of humour.
The Los Angeles Police Department, the FBI and the CIA were debating which of them was best at apprehending criminals.
President Clinton decided to put them to the test. He released a white rabbit in a forest outside Washington and set each agency the task of trying to catch it.
The CIA went in and placed animal informants throughout the forest. It conducted extensive interrogation of plant and animal witnesses and after three months investigation, concluded the rabbit didn't exist.
The FBI went in. After two weeks with no leads it burned the forest killing everything in it (including the white rabbit). It offered no apologies and explained that the rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD boys went in. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear that was yelling, "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit."
Several years later, John Howard heard about this trial and decided to put Australian law enforcement agencies to a similar test.
He released a white rabbit in the forest outside Canberra.
The Victorian police went in returning 15 minutes later with a koala, a kangaroo and a tree fern, all shot to pieces. They explained that "they all looked dangerous and we merely acted in self-defence."
The NSW police were next to take on the test. Surveillance tapes later revealed high-ranking officers and rabbits cavorting naked around a gum tree. "F*ck the royal commission!" was the only intelligent phrase picked up by the microphone.
The Independent Commission Against Corruption said it knew all about the rabbit and what it was up to, but declined to hand over the files.
The Queensland police trooped in noisily, emerging shortly afterwards with a new Mercedes, a load of bunny girls and a large amount of cash. They explained this was a gift from the rabbit who was really a top bloke.
The NCA (national crime authority) lads went in. They couldn't catch the rabbit but promised that if they were given a $90 million budget increase, they'd hit it for unpaid taxes.
The South Australian and Western Australian police joined forces and belted the life out of every rabbit in the forest except the white one. They explained it was only the black rabbits that caused trouble.
The Australian Federal Police refused to go into the forest, claiming it wasn't part of their core business. Having examined the cost and determined the target was of low priority to the organisation, they advised the relevant state authority should deal with the matter.
ASIO went to the wrong forest.