I got them for my birthday a.k.a. International Talk Like a Pirate Day.
1. A pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, that's really cool: where did you get it?" The parrot says, "From a pirate ship, of course."
2. A pirate walks into a bar with a hook hand and an eyepatch. Bartender says "That's rough, man, what happened?" Pirate holds up his arm and says "Arrr, a swordfight." The bartender nods and asks about the eyepatch. Pirate says, "A seagull shat in me eye." The bartender blinks and says "You wouldn't lose an eye from that, would you?" The pirate sighs and says "You would if it's your first day with a hook hand."