Jesus joke

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Jesus joke

Postby Jon on Tue Jul 04, 2006 12:18 pm

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails on the table and says "Can this put me up for the night?"
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Postby St John the Blasphemist on Tue Jul 04, 2006 5:17 pm

Q: Why did Jesus cross the road?

A: Cos he was nailed to the chicken.


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Postby Bob the Unbeliever on Wed Jul 05, 2006 4:14 am

Jesus, Moses and St Peter were playing Heavenly Golf up in (where else?) Heaven one day.

The three came up to the 11 hole, a par 7, with a particularly difficult water hazard about 2/3 of the way down the fairway. To add to the hardship, the course had a dog-leg just past the water trap.

Moses was up first, and made a nice, smooth drive down the fairway. The ball had a nice bounce, right before the water trap. It certainly looked as if it would drop right into the water, but at the last minute, the waters parted to reveal a smooth rock at the bottom. The ball bounced off that rock at an angle, and bounced again right before the green.

"Nice shot, Moses," Jesus said.

"Thanks! You're up, Jesus."

Jesus took a minute to study the course, and selected his longest driver. He hit the ball smoothly, but it was a low-flying shot. The ball hit the ground running, and continued to skim along the surface as if it were a race-car at the Indy. I looked as if the ball would roll right into the water, though. But, when it hit the water, it continued to roll right across the stream, as if that water were as firm as concrete. The ball then banked off the far side, and rounded nicely to lie on the green next to the pin.

"Very nice shot, Jesus." Said St Peter.

"Thank you."

Before St Peter could put his ball down for his shot, an older gentleman playing alone came up to the tee-off.

"Any of you mind if I play through?"

"Not at all" said Jesus, speaking for the other two, who were all smiles and nods.

The older man studied the course for only a brief instant, before decisively selecting his club. A nice 2-wood. He wiggled his shoes into the sod, and *smacked* that ball like it was nothing.

The ball flew down the course like it had wings, but was heading right for the water trap - right at the deepest part of the stream. But, just before it hit, a large fish jumped out of the water, and snatched the ball out of the air. Before the fish could make it all the way back into the water, however, a large Eagle grabbed the fish - ball and all, with it's talons and flew to a nearby tree. As the Eagle landed on a branch, the fish's head was smacked by the tree, and it spit that ball out.

The ball bounced from branch to branch as it fell. When it was near the bottom of the tree, a squirrel took it into it's mouth and scampered down the rest of the way, ran across the green and dived head-first (ball and all) into the hole.

A hole in one!

Jesus turned to the older man and said, "Nice shot, Dad!"
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Postby Al Dante on Thu Jul 06, 2006 4:59 am

I thought the punchline was, "Are we here to play golf, or are we just going to f*&@ around?"

:o :o :o

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Postby Bob the Unbeliever on Thu Jul 06, 2006 5:01 am

Al Dante wrote:I thought the punchline was, "Are we here to play golf, or are we just going to f*&@ around?"

:o :o :o

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THAT one works, too.

So does this one:

"Showoff"
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Postby Beardyoldblaggard on Sun Sep 16, 2007 1:08 pm

Jesus comes across a crowd stoning a prostitute. "Stop" he cries, "only if you are without sin should you punish others in this way."

The crowd falls silent, shuffles it's feet and looks down at its collective feet. After a moment a woman calmly walks forward and dumps a 30kg boulder on the prostitute's skull.

Jesus sighs and says, "mom, sometimes you really piss me off"
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Postby Rainswept on Mon Sep 17, 2007 7:24 am

I like this topic lol. This is one I had posted in the rant section, but it fits here and I think it's funy, so...



Did you know that Jesus had a very large Penis?















How large, you might ask.....?




















Apparently, he was hung like this !

(....it doesn't play as well when you can't stretch your arms out crucifix style and make the "this big" motion)
I believe it's time for mankind to set aside the crutch of religion and embrace morality born of reason and truth. Those crutches have long since proven treacherous when the ground gets slippery.
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Postby Beardyoldblaggard on Sat Sep 22, 2007 2:54 am

where has the rant section gone? I can't find it.
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Postby Rainswept on Sat Sep 22, 2007 6:49 am

http://www.venganza.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=8049

I think I remember some sections of the forum aren't open to brand-new members... I dunno how else you could miss it.
I believe it's time for mankind to set aside the crutch of religion and embrace morality born of reason and truth. Those crutches have long since proven treacherous when the ground gets slippery.
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Postby Beardyoldblaggard on Sun Sep 23, 2007 6:31 pm

d'oh - I wasn't logged in.
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