A guy walks into a bar and...

[St John the Blasphemist]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar & orders a whisky.
After drinking it down, the barman says "would you like another?"
To which he replies "I think not."
And promptly disappears.

A grasshopper walks into a bar & the barman says "hey did you know there's a drink named after you?"
To which the grasshopper replies, "What - Arthur??"

A horse walks into a bar & the barman says, "Why the long face?" (yeah it's an old one)

Two sheep walk into a baaa & one says, "I'll have a beeeeer," & the other says, I'll have a raaaam & coke."
The barman says, "I'm not servin' ewes."
The sheep both say, "Wool see about that!"

A man walks into a bar & says, "Ow!"


St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Crap Bar Jokes

[boghog]

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "We don't serve string here! Now get out before I throw you out."

So the piece of string gets up, goes outside and rolls around on the ground, getting all dissheveled and tousled. Then he bends and contorts himself around so he's all tangled. Then he goes back inside.

As he walks in, the bartender says "Hey! Aren't you that piece of string who was in here before?"

And the string says...

"I'm a FRAYED KNOT!"

HA!

[Goat Starer]

Three ducks walk into a Bar


"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second
duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

[don juan]

A french, a belgium, an american, and a jew enter into a bar
Bartender : "that's for a joke ?"

[Al Dante]

A chigger (a tiny parasitic mite, not some obscure racial insult, honest) walks into a bar and orders a double rock and rye.

"I can't serve you that, you're a tiny parasitic mite (and not some obscure racial insult, honest)! says the bartender.

The chigger insists, but the bartender still refuses. "You're practically microscopic, what makes you think you can even drink three ounces of hard liquor?" he asks. The chigger threatens fisticuffs, then legal action.

"Okay, have it your way," says the bartender, and pours the drink.

The chigger climbs up the outside of the glass, falls into the icy alcoholic potion, and prompty drowns.

The moral: chiggers can't be boozers.

- comicAL

[boghog]

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "We don't serve string here! Now get out before I throw you out."

So the piece of string gets up, goes outside and rolls around on the ground, getting all dissheveled and tousled. Then he bends and contorts himself around so he's all tangled. Then he goes back inside.

As he walks in, the bartender says "Hey! Aren't you that piece of string who was in here before?"

And the string says...

"I'm a FRAYED KNOT!"

HA!

Ah, the short version.

The original was "Three strings walk into a bar" and string one tried to be twine, string two tried to be yarn, and THEN string three was a frayed not.

Hmm... the one-string version is how it was told to me. I guess I'm just efficient!

Which reminds me of an engineering joke:

- the optimist sees the glass as half full
- the pessimist sees the glass as half empty
- the engineer sees the glass as twice as big as it needs to be

[mepper]

i hate to step on don's joke..maybe it was a translation thing, but i will

a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar..
and the bartender says.."what is this? some kind of joke?"

edit: and this one is highly unlikely..but for the everquest players

a ranger walks into a bar.. LOADING PLEASE WAIT

[Goat Starer]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.

They order two pints of Stella and neck them in seconds. Over the next 2 hours they each down a further 9 pints and begin to look slightly the worse for wear.

As they are tucking into their eleventh drink, the
giraffe turns green, keels over and passes out on the floor. The man finishes his drink and mumbles a hurried "goodbye" to the
barman before making for the door.

As he reaches the door the Barman shouts, "you can't leave that lying there"

The man replies....

"its not a lion, its a giraffe"

[diego]

One evening, a C, an Eb, and a G go into a bar. Bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So E flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.

F comes in, tries to augment the situation but isn't sharp enough.

D comes in and heads straight for the bathroom saying, " Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

Then A comes into the bar but the bartender isn't convinced that this relative of C isn't a minor.

He notices a B flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out, you're the 7th minor I've found here tonight."

The Eb, not easily deflated, comes back the next night in a 3 piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in. This could be a major development."

Which proves to be the case, as the Eb takes off the suit and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, & realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and sentenced to 10 years of da capo without coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's had only tenor so patrons, with the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

[ke_mikiao]

Man walks into a bar and orders 12 shots of vodka.

Bartender gives him the drinks and the man starts downing them one after the other.

Around the fifth shot, the bartender says "You really shouldnt be drinking those so fast"

Man downs a couple more and says "You'd be downing them like this if you had what i have"

Bartender:: "Why, what do you have?"

Man says "Oh....about 57 cents."

[St John the Blasphemist]

A guy walks into a bar & orders a whisky. After he's had a couple of drinks, the barman notices him talking into his hand, with his thumb stuck in his ear & his pinky finger at his mouth.

The barman goes over to him & says, "Look, I'm sorry, but if you're gonna behave like that, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave."

The guy says, Oh don't worry, I'm not drunk or anything, it's just that in my line of work I have to keep up to date with the latest in technology. There's actually a miniature phone implanted in my hand. Here, have a listen."

The guy holds his thumb to the barman's ear & surely enough, he hears a dialtone.

The barman says, "Wow! That's amazing. It must have cost a bit!"

The guy says, "Nah, my work pays for it. By the way, which way is your toilet?"

The barman points him to the toilets & he wanders off.

About 20 minutes later, the barman notices he hasn't come back yet. Concerned, he decides to go and check to see if he's alright, and upon entering he finds the guy leaning over the sink with his pants down & a roll of paper stuck up his arse.

"Holy crap!!" said the barman. "Are you alright?? How many of them were there??"

The guy says, "Oh don't worry, it's ok - I'm just waiting on a fax."


St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Toilet Humour

[don juan]

I'won't dare to repost the 2 men with no money and a saussage.

[St John the Blasphemist]

A termite walks into a bar & says "Alright, where's the bar tender?"

(the tender is that railing that goes along the front of the bar - usually made of wood)

St John the Blashemist
Saint of More Crap Jokes

[Aeger]

A guy walks into a bar, he orders a pint of Guiness, downs it all, orders three Samuel Adams, and two Bud Lights, downs them, eventually he gets so drunk he starts writhing about in his chair, then he takes his shirt off and starts waving about his head before he crumples to the ground and lies there twitching and muttering something about peaches and apricots in a far off land, eventually the bartender notices the customers' feebl;e state, and in one swift movement, picks him up by the seat of his pants and his neck and throws him viciously straight through the close swing doors and out of the bar, shouting after him "And don't come back without a punchline, ya commie bastard."

[Bob the Unbeliever]

On the way to work, the bartender spies a box turtle trying to cross the road. As everyone knows, they rarely make it across, so he picks it up and carries it on to work. He thinks his kid may enjoy it for awhile.

When he arrives at work, he puts the turtle in a shoe-box and nearly forgets about it.

Much, much later, near closing time, an already-drunk man staggers into the bar, and orders several drinks.

The drunk then proceeds to take a shot at the local dart board - whereupon he scores perfectly with every shot.

It's pretty amazing, but the drunk then demands a prize, for such a good score.

The bartender just wants to close up, is tired of arguing, and remembers the turtle. "Here" he says, handing him the turtle, box and all, "Here's your prize. Now go home."

The drunk seems happy with his prize and leaves.

...

Several weeks later, the same drunk returns to the same bar, at the same nearly-closed time.

He has several drinks, and proceeds to play darts - and wins again.

He (of course) demands a prize - again.

The bartender vaguely remembers the guy, but says "I don't give prizes for winning at darts."

"But you do!" exclaims the drunk, "Last time, you gave me a beef tarttar sandwich on a hard roll"