Humor in the written word ..

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Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Wed Apr 10, 2013 6:50 pm

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, and
recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father.

He replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Wed Apr 10, 2013 7:15 pm

A gas station owner in Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex.

The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine on Wed Apr 10, 2013 9:50 pm

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps.

A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. "A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Mary's Catholic Church on Third Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to the dying man. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: "B - 4. I - 19. N - 38. G - 54. O - 72."
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Mad Willyum Bonney on Thu Apr 11, 2013 2:58 am

:lol: ^ , ^^ , ^^^ !
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Rainswept on Thu Apr 11, 2013 8:19 pm

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.
“No,” the man replied, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the first man.
“Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?”
The second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven’t been together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shook his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
I believe it's time for mankind to set aside the crutch of religion and embrace morality born of reason and truth. Those crutches have long since proven treacherous when the ground gets slippery.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby pieces o'nine on Thu Apr 11, 2013 10:12 pm

Q. Why do Marxists drink iced tea?
A. Because proper tea is theft.
I will honor Monkey in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.
~Charles "Darwin" Dickens
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Sat Apr 13, 2013 4:21 am

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
:lol:
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby DavidH on Sat Apr 13, 2013 5:47 am

Jesus is walking along one day, when He comes upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. Its obvious that the crowd is preparing to stone her, so Jesus shields her body and cries out with a loud voice: "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone!"

The crowd is shamed by this revelation of their hypocrisy, and one by one they start to turn away. But all of a sudden, a lovely little woman is seen making her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she hefts a rock at the adulteress.

Jesus looks over, sighs, and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mother."
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Mad Willyum Bonney on Sat Apr 13, 2013 11:24 am

I just sprayed coffee all over the dining room table David . Argh LOL !
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Rainswept on Sat Apr 13, 2013 11:40 am

pieces o'nine wrote:Q. Why do Marxists drink iced tea?
A. Because proper tea is theft.



Told this one at a party last night, it went over well. I have many nerd friends.
I believe it's time for mankind to set aside the crutch of religion and embrace morality born of reason and truth. Those crutches have long since proven treacherous when the ground gets slippery.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Wed Apr 17, 2013 8:08 pm

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs Smith fainted
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Thu Apr 18, 2013 4:11 pm

A man was about to tee off on the first hole. A second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even for the first few holes. The second man said, "Clearly, we're about evenly matched, so how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first man said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second golfer won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they walked off after #18, the second man happily counted his $80 winnings. Then he confessed that he was a pro at a neighboring course and that he liked to pick on suckers.

The first golfer revealed that he was the parish priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic; he offered to return the money.

The priest said, "You won fair and square: I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro asked, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest replied, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby AFTERGLOW on Fri Apr 19, 2013 3:37 pm

Sex at 79 .. Maybe there is still hope after all :lol:


I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing
me that I can have sex at 79. I'm so
happy, because I live at number 71. So it's
not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
~~~~~
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old
enough to know your way around, you're
not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control,
mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing
up the country from one end to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the
Pledge of Allegiance?"
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg..

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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby gronank on Fri Apr 19, 2013 7:12 pm

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

This is eerily comparable to a robot that picks up a herring sandwich.
Disclaimer: Anything I say on topics of Politics, Economics, Pychology, History, really anything not concerned with the natural sciences and mathematics and especially topics concerning human behavior and/or thoughts, that is not associated with a proper reference is pure speculation on my part.
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Re: Humor in the written word ..

Postby Rev. Rowan Redbeard on Sat Apr 20, 2013 12:05 am

Ah! A herring sandwich! (Bend down, scoop up, straighten up [dropping sandwich], repeat).
—Captain the Reverend Lord C.S. Rowan, Lord of Glencoe, Minister of Pastafarianism, Gentleman Pirate

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