The Ancient Art of Cowardice...Fight-Avoidance Techniques

[ken worley]

I was(quite rightly)-about to post this in the pirate section, but...That lot already demonstrates,
by a combination of offensive behavior and crusty agedness, that they need no additional help
in avoiding their just desserts.

For those of us who merely find ourselves occasionally, and inexplicably, in the path of undeserved rage,(probably a result of having been thrown under the wheels by a nearby pirate)- I submit these time-honored Eastern dodges.


1. "Snake" technique:
Assailant approaches, and makes move to attack.
Response: Drop to belly, and slither under nearby shrub, parked car, picnic table,etc.


2. "Crouching Spider"
Fall to ground, and wrap all available limbs around head, wait till attack ceases.


3. "Kangaroo Surprise"
If threatened, crouch deeply, tensing the large muscles of the thigh...With lightning speed, pull pistol from pocket,
and shoot assailant repeatedly.


4. "Dung Beetle"
(A last resort for most people.)
The idea here is to release upon confrontation as many foul bodily substances as possible, so attacker cannot strike or grapple with you without becoming smeared with your wastes.


These techniques work in most cases, but I welcome new knowledge, if anyone can add their favorite cowardly styles.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Argh, oi'll let that sleight against pirates slide...

5. "The Echidna"
Cover yourself in sticks, curl in a ball and hope your assailant hurts his knuckles on the sticks.

[PantyGnawer]

A move that I employed on a much larger kid in the fourth grade when I was cornered:

6. "The Pacifists Surprise":
Assailant threatens attack, crowd gathers, and momentum for a fight is building.
Response: Play like you don't want to fight and that you want to work this thing out with words. Keep a non-threatening stance so that your attacker is off his guard. When you spot a key opportunity sucker punch him in the nose and run like hell.


Note: This technique works best if you are a pretty fast runner.

[black bart]

7. The Van Gogh Gambit

This will only work if you have reasonable artistic abilities...although you could pretend to be Damian Hurst.

In a similar scenario to above with crowd lusting for blood and assailant approaching, whip out your sketch pad, pencil and easel and begin deftly drawing a portrait of your assailant. The crowd will gather round to watch the portrait progressing and your assailant will be forced to hold his pose whilst you draw. Finish off the portrait with an elaborate signature and whilst the would be assailant admires the drawing make your escape.*

(*please note, management accept no responsibility for any injury or death resulting from the enactment of this ploy)

[ken worley]

8. "The Lamb and the Shepherd"

Defuse assailant's charge by grabbing nearby infant, and holding it in front of you, while screaming for
police or other authority figure.

[Elvalia]

This one's obvious, I'm sure that someone would have said it eventually:

The "Arthur, King of the Britons"
RUN AWAY!

[PantyGnawer]

10. "The Elvalia"
Sit there with your damn droopy ears and bambi eyes and look so mutha fukin cute that no sentient being could ever attack you without calling its mom and crying on the phone afterwards.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

11. "The Cocksure"
When in a similar setting to to #6 and #7, sit in a comfortable position on the ground. A popular position is sitting with your legs outstretched with your hands supporting you. Smile, and wait for your attacker to beat you. When you are recovered enough, sue the pants off your attacker and buy the latest game console, a pair of pants and a very tall hat.

[ken worley]

12. "The Family Timeshare"

Go back in time, to before your conception, and sneak about, spiking your mother's food and drinks with fertility drugs.
Repeat as necessary, until she has a multiple birth.
Arrange for one of your wombmates to be on scene just before your atrocities are discovered, and slip away out the back door "to the store." "for a carton of milk."

Feign sympathetic surprise upon returning to find him/her sweeping their teeth up off the linoleum.

[fueledbycoffee]

13. "The Yankee Doodle"

In any very public setting, kneel before your opponent, and proceed to do as instructed by the title until he shows sufficient embarrassment. He'll probably run away. Works best if your opponent and yourself are male, he's a homophobe, you're rather open-minded, and he has a tiny penis. If not, your plan could definitely backfire, where he gets a boost to his rep, and you're left on your knees in need of a shower.

[farfalla]

14. "The Mirror"

Keep on your person a highly reflective surface. When the rage commences whip said reflective tool and turn it toward the face of the ragger. Upon seeing their own distorted, eye bulging, hostile visage they will, hopefully, flee in fear and horror.

[Edd]

15. ‘The Disposable Clone’

Similar to #12, simply substitute a clone when the opportunity presents itself and slip away unnoticed.

[Rainswept]

16. Mexican Judo:

Puff up your chest, walk right up in their face, tilt your head, and fake a Mexican accent.

"Judo know I got a knife"

"Judo know I got a gun"

"Judo know just what exactly I'm gonna do to you, esse."

[Dan (dat haole dude)]

17. "Di-spew-t Resolution":

vomit copiously on your attacker*

(works quite well after a pub-crawl with excessive intake of badly-cooked greasy foodstuffs)..


*then run, of course..

[ken worley]

The Agony and the Ecstacy

Pretend to go into a seizure, letting eyes go blank, one half of face droop, jaw to hang slackly, with a one silver runnel of drool, one of snot, trailing onto your shirt.

Making the following decibel-up-spiraling guttural noise, "UNNNNGGGG!!!!....UUUUUNNNNNGGHGGGGHHH!!....etc., ad infinitum,"

Begin to twitch/shamble/lurch careeningly, yet with inevitable unerring surety, towards, and against your opponent. Appear dying.

Lurch into him/her, and begin to spasm uncontrollably, esp. with the neck.
The drool and snot runnels should by now be a free-foaming cauldron, nee, an erupting volcano of saliva, dankly splattering everything around you, but mostly their face.

Twitch-lurch them into a corner, trapping them against the walls, and as they atempt to hold their agonized face(and soul) squinched shut and away from your floppingly disgusting carcass, begin to subtly turn quasi-sexual in your spasmings, thus humping mindlessly against whatever part of their body they cannot turn away along with the rest.

Increase the tempo, volume, and frequency of your "UUUUUNNNNNNNNGHGGGGHHHH!!!!'s", culminating suddenly in a frozen, ecstatic-transported posture/expression of braindead, drooling, vibrating stupefaction.

Collapse limply to the floor, as if in a coma.(At this point, you may want to apathetically(w/o noticing)- leak vomit, and/or completely void the bladder.)

They will run.
...and never return.

If they see you coming toward them, ever, anywhere, they will turn and run the other way.


You win!