And an angel did blow on the fourth kazoo of the apocalypse, and break the fourth seal, and a great steaming ball of shit, yea unto a mile across, did land at the mouth of the Potomac River, and did splash thence across the palaces and halls of the mighty.
An lo! The people rejoiced, and offered up thanks to the LORD, for the odor of the place was greatly improved. And the LORD grew wroth, and said, "Yea, the gloves come off now".
And a plague of lawyers and IRS auditors did descend upon the land, and did vacuum up every shekel. Many of the mighty were cast low, and had no time to file even an appeal before the sky grew dark.
For hark! Unto the cities came droves of even worse demons, some called "snot-rockets" and "face-raping bats" and "XFL sportscasters". And the cities were full of the repentant, with distended mouths.
And an angel blew the fifth kazoo of the apocalypse, and a great quiet spread across the land. Into this quiet was a stunned silence, followed by low moanings, and even unto a great wail that grew from coast to coast, until the noise did burst everyone's eardrums. For verily, the LORD had shut everybody's cable down.
Many Cletii did perish of starvation, perched in front of their altars, waiting for the Resumption of Normal Service. And many wandered lost, without the disembodied heads that had hence told them what to do, and they fell into drainage culverts and drowned.
And the people began to wonder if maybe the LORD was actually serious, this time around.
O, Ye wretches! Dost thou not know that it is too late to repent? Did the LORD not give unto thee a half-decent mudball, for thee to enjoy? Did he not put ye here naked as a jaybird?
But you have cast aside his gifts and invented neckties and girdles and cooped thyselves up in cages called "cubes", and worshipped false gods called "Sawbucks" and "Benjys". Thou hast turned from the LORD, and now he has turned from thee.
Thy radios shall only play Clay Aiken tunes, and thy videogame servers shall all crash! Lament, ye sinners! For there shall be no joy in Mudville!
And an angel did blow on the sixth kazoo of the apocalypse, and broke the sixth seal.
And the sea and rivers did turn to blood, and the sun dimmed in the sky. The people grew sore afraid, save for the Goths, who had been waiting for this all their lives.
Many signs will be seen, and will perplex the wise; calves shall be born with human faces, and two moons shall be seen in the sky, and the Cubs shall win the World Series.
And then a great hush fell across the world.
To be continued.
Editor in chief of "SHUT UP", The American Journal of Misanthropy.
Or kill me.