1 It was a dark and stormy night as tradition demands it.
2 Captain Tenax' junk heaved violently in the foaming seas south of the Straits of Hauromazd.
3 Following the suggestions given to them by the FSM the captain had ordered all firearms unloaded, all doors padded and locked, and all maidens gagged.
4 The lookout in the crow's nest was instructed to keep a good one, although he didn't really expect the Coast Guard's ships in this weather out at sea.
5 Not a good time tobe up there, I can tell thee.
6 The poor soul had run out of scopolamin pills some time ago and out of stomach content as a result.
7 He had difficulties to keep the spyglass steady but did not shun his duty.
8 Down on deck it wasn't much better. Until three days ago the weather had been perfect, a steady breeze from southeast had taken them nearly in sight of the Straits.
9 But now the wind blew from northerly directions and jumped so often that the crew had to climb up into the rigging almost 24/7.
10 The ship could barely hold its position saying nothing about progressing.
11 No cooking under those conditions and even Divine Anchovies Pizza loses its attractiveness if served cold five days on end.
12 Again the lookout searched the forward sector and tried to make out something out in the darkness.
13 Suddenly a foul stench of very rotten cheese overpowered even that of half-dried puke.
14 It came with the wind from the general direction of starboard bow, and our mate, fighting down a new useless puke attack (stomach already empty as said above), pierced the black with his spyglass to find the source.
15 There it was. Now it vanished behind a wave top. Now it appeared again, brightly illuminated by the mandatory dramatic lightning bolt.
16 The lookout grasped the newly installed speaking tube and hoped that it was not blocked by puke.
17 "Captain, Monster ahead two points on the starboard bow. Identification: probably The Kraken, definitely not flying!"
18 "All hands on deck", roared the captain through his megaphone. Silence and stealth were useless now.
19 "Monster alarm, first degree! Prepare cephalopod defense! And the first to cry 'Cthulhu fhtagn!' and/or mention fertile goats will serve as bait before he can say 'August Derleth'!
20 Summon the cook and our sign language expert to explain the situation to him!"
21 As good and well a trained team as they were, the crew assembled within moments, and the captain spoke to them:
22 "To make it short: It's either Calamari for breakfast (and lunch and dinner too) or Fricassee Ã¡ la Corsair for our opponent.
23 We can't cut and run (although I hate that particular phrase) because it would just stop blowing and start sucking the moment we show it our flank. We'll have to fight!
24 Wench brigade to starboard, prepare the Uzbekian Feathered Snakes but don't yet starch them.
25 Sea dog brigade to port with the meat-hooks.
26 Signalman, tell the cook to fetch the sacred recipebook and the Holy Depth Charge of Antioch.
26 Book and Charge were brought before him and the cook recited the appropriate verses.
27 "Book of the Highland Constrictor Snake, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-one.
28 And the Owl Stretcher heaved the depth charge up on high saying: 'O, Flying Monster, bless this thy depth charge , that it blows our enemy to edible bits (not smithereens, we still have enough teeth despite the hard tack) in thy mercy!'
29 And the shipfolk did grin and the company did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utans and brekfast cereals and fruitbats and..."
30 "Skip a bit, brother cook!", called the crew, "No time to spare."
31 "Ok, I'll join the Brotherhood of Time Square but don't interrupt me, we have other matters at hand.
32 Where was I? Ah, yes. And the FSM spake, saying:
33 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more no less. 34 Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three.
35 Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
36 Five is right out.
37 Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Depth Charge of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight shall snuff it.
38 When the depth charge is thrown, let all present chant the Holy Words "In nomine Pasta, Ramen!"'"
39 They loaded the catapult, briefly discussed the depth settings, "Make it deep, we are not shallow people.", "No, make it flat as are our jokes.", then the second mate turned the lever.
40 The oildrum-like charge flew in a not very elegant arc (adverse wind, bad aerodynamics, you name it), and as it entered the water in front of the Beast the crew shouted three times the Sacred Words: "In nomine Pasta, Ramen!", and added an "Alliose", just to be sure.
41 In the old cauliflower design the water rose up and from it the Beast rose, shaking his tentacle-like appendages.
42 The charge seemed to have had no effect but as the crew repeated their chant so loudly that even against the wind it reached its target, the monster emitted a high-pitch wail and took to the air.
43 Behold, it was not The Kraken but again the Foul Lord of Diets, Canner of Pasta and Turkey, His Most Prankish Creation, etc., etc., Mepastaphiles the Rotten, who had finished his job in Scotland and now made his last attempt to stop the blessed Eastern Pirates from reaching their destination.
44 "Hasta la Pasta!", shouted the seadogs,
45 "Antipast, apage!", cried the wenches,
46 "Begone and back to Kansas", bellowed the captain,
47 "Good riddance, even I can't make you edible!", added the cook.
48 With a last unison "In nomine Pasta, Ramen!", they ended, for the Meagre One turned his unmentionable appendage and took flight. He swore to himself that from now on he would keep to landlocked countries and avoid seafood if possible.
49 As he parted, so did the storm except for a light breeze from the South that allowed our heroes easy passage through the Straits and the first decent meal of the week.
50 They praised the Lord Glob and reached Saucyport without further problems.
Here ends the fifth chapter.
There may be more but they have not yet been found