Of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates, Making of the Covenant

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Of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates, Making of the Covenant

Postby Swatopluk on Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:11 pm

The Original of this story was inscribed on pieces of ancient hardtack (with still a faint smell of garlic on them) that were found in the ruins of the Lycopersican temple of the Holy Bowl that according to the text was founded by Captain Tenax Rubrumor and his crew after their encounter with Him, our Noodly Master. The first deciphered parts contained three hymns to Him that are posted in the Hymn section of this forum.

Chapter 1
1 Hear this tale, ye believers, of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates!
2 Long, long ago though not during the Chinese Long Dynasty or the British Long Parliament the FSM flew over the Indian Ocean where by chance (although there is no ‘chance’ or coincidence with Him) his saucy eye fell on a ship that lay there lacking wind.
3 In order to avoid misunderstandings: His eye fell metaphorically and the ships’s crew had the winds due to too much beans.
4 By its shape He recognized it as a junk and by the sounds that came from it - heavy in Yarrr!, Aarrrgh! And YoHoHo! – as a pirate vessel.
5 At that time He had not yet made His covenant with the pirates, but listen further, ye believers, what happened!
6 A smell (apart from unwashed clothes and bean winds) rose (not the flower) from the ship and touched His noodly nostrils.
7 This smell He knew so well and highly it pleasesd Him.
8 ‘Though this may be a junk, this is not the smell of junk food!â€￾
9 And invisibly He descended on the vessel and His Noodly Appendage touched it gently.
10 In the ship’s galley stood the cook being quite old and mostly deaf and unfit to swing the cutlass outside his kitchen anymore.
11 ‘No more beans’, the captain had said repeatedly and increasingly louder. ‘I am farting myself comatose! No more of it, Basta!’
12 As already said the cook was deaf and just understood: ‘Garlic trifles, tomatoes comfort it, Pasta!’
13 They had just plundered, pardon liberated, a Persian ship transporting vegetables – therefore the beans – and had found some red balls unknown to them.
14 Those were created by the FSM quite recently but that is another tale.
15 ‘These must be tomatoes then, there is nothing else here I don’t know the name of!’
16 ‘So, the captain wants a paste of these with garlic.’
17 ‘But they seem to be mainly water (Netherland import presumably), I need a bit of more substance!’
18 ‘The flour is getting mouldy anyway, the eggs likewise, so let’s make noodles and add this stuff!’
19 And he cut and meshed the tomatoes, added some spice at random, put it all in the pot and cooked it.
20 At this moment He entered the kitchen, touched the cook’s shoulder with His Noodly Appendage and spoke:
21 ‘Buddy, that pasta smells –ing good!’ (He has His way with swear words)
22 The cook, touched by Him, felt the Divine and heard the words: ‘Bodhisatwa, smiling god.’ (he was a Buddhist, you know.) and trembled part in awe, part in joy.
23 ‘He doesn’t properly listen.’, murmured He in His beardlike noodles.
24 ‘something missing’, heard the cook.
25 And on the deck the captain shouted at a green recruit: ‘For this job you need balls!’
25a And the captain's voice was like a British drill sergeant's that will reach even the recruits already dead letting them jump to attention in their shallow graves.
26 ‘Meat balls! That’s it’, cried the cook and began to turn the meat grinder that doubled as a prayer mill coincidentally.
27 And he recited the Mantra: ‘Oh, Man, Pasta, Yum!’

Here ends the first chapter
Swatopluk
Chef Shaman of Hauro Pasta
 
Posts: 4523
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2005 10:27 am
Location: Berlin, Germany

Postby Swatopluk on Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:12 pm

First continuation of the Story of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates
Remark concerning the pronoun 'He' in connection with the FSM
It is known that the FSM is neither male or female, but to refer to the Supreme Noodle as 'it' would be highly disrespectful and inappropriate. Therefore it is handled as with Pratchett-Dwarfes using the male pronoun neutrally for both sexes.

From here on the text has obviously been partially reworked yb a second hand. The original author (known as the "Pious Pirate" or Tupi) knew, how to spin a good yarn. The second one (known as the "Pedantic Pastrian Priest" or Thrippy) nearly spoiled it with his "literary ambition". Therefore, ye mates, don't ever allow a landlubber to edit your tales or you'll end with bowdlerized knife-related-head-removers speaking Queen's English, not the NY district that is, boring their foes to death; and with that I don't mean application of a drill or putting them into a cannon. That's just what you should do with those wannabee editors!

the wannabee editor wishes to apologize for the above rant of this sea-related redistributor of wealth and humbly begs your forgiveness for... What are you doing with that naval-related cutting tool, you linguistically challenged out-of-wedlock being? Ouch, that hurts!

As I said, ye mates, no quarter for this this PC scum. Btw, what does out-of-wedlock mean?
So here is the second part of the tale... and cut that priest's rum ration!

Chapter 2
1 And the cook formed tasty meatballs, grated the cheese and did all the things right and proper for the divine meal in His honour.
2 And He looked at everything the cook had done and behold, everything was very good.
3 But the cook said, "It is not good for the food to be alone! Let us prepare proper drinks as companion, for a pirate's throat shall never go dry; and hoarse only when it adds to the atmosphere."
4 But in vain he searched the hold.
5 There was only stale water and not much of it either
5a Neither were there many other words but 'but' and 'and' to start a sentence.
6 And the Anti-Past, who had silently crept into the ship behind His back, whispered into the cook's ear.
7 "What use is the divine food without beer or schnaps? Throw it away and serve them hardtack and stale water as befits humble seafarers!"
8 But the cook didn't listen to the temptation by the Anti-Past.
9 Being old and half-deaf has its advantages, you see!
10 He tried his best to improve the meagre drink by putting some spices into it, that's all he could do.
11 The FSM, who noticed the treacherous advances of the Anti-Past, became angry at the Foul Lord of the Diets and with a single touch of His Noodly Appendage sent him to the landlocked red states there to fight unhealthy obesity.
12 Beware, oh ye people, of the Anti-Past.
13 His balls are ersatz soy-meat and don't even ask what his appendages are made of

We have to interrupt here for a moment. There is as yet not a common opinion, whether the Anti-Past exists or what his functions are in His plan in case of existence.
Should the Wise Council of the Olive Garden decide against the "Meagre Adversary" and "Lord of the Undernourished" , the apocryphal passage above (6-13) is to be removed, erased and thrown onto the pile of heresy!

14 With rich food but poor drink ready the cook sounded the bell and the crew arrived.
15 They took the food from him and divided it under themselves, so that the scripture should be fulfilled:
16 "The Pasta they have taken from me and divided it under themselves and filled their stomachs.

Ye see, ye mates! Is that the proper way to spin the yarn? But somewhere here they let the Thrippy walk the plank and the Tupi proceed without further interruption.

17 Then some of the crew complained about the lack of proper drink but the captain stooped them and shouted, so that even the cook understood him.
18 "Silence, ye rotten ungrateful bastards!
19 It's you, who have exhausted everything that's worth to be called proper drink.
20 He did, what he could with stale water and spices.
21 He brought us food as we have never tasted anything alike and you have left not a crumb of it and even taken care not to spoil the least amount.
22 I see it in your eyes that you would not stop for hours eating, if anything were left.
23 Be grateful to the cook and to Him, who gave him the inspiration, for clearly it is divine!
24 The crew felt deep regret for their behaviour and that there was nothing of the food left.
25 Now they praised the cook for his work
26 The humble cook blushed and refused their praise.
27 "No glory for me! The captaon ordered it, the Divine Body touched me, so how could I fail?
28 You're right about the drink, it's far from proper and we are even running out of it with no replacement in sight."
29 He, the Mighty Pasta-King and Bringer of Plentiful Food & Drink, was highly pleased by the captains word of praise, the cook's humbleness and the crew's ability to see the error of their ways.
30 "These are people of my taste!
31 Although they don't know me yet, they follow my not yet announced suggestions.
32 They choose the divine vegetables.
33 Without advice they created noodles and formed meatballs.
34 They long for the proper drink.
35 There remains just the question of the godly Garlic Bread."
36 But the second mate, who had not touched the food, stepped forward and spoke:
37 Captain, cook and comrades! Yeah, let's praise the cook's work but let's not forget that some are still hungry!
38 Is there no bread left in the hold?
39 May it be stale, with a little bit of garlic I'd eat a stone!"
40 Oh, the hardtack bread, ye mates, it was beyond stale.
41 The captain chiselled the waterproof copy of the log on it and had to replace the chisel every few lines.
42 The armorer used it as a whetstone.
32 The third mate had sharpened the edge and clobbed a shark to death with it.
33 Last but not least the gunnery officer lost a good cannon when an experimental load with hardtack cut deep rifts into the barrel when fired.

Here ends the second chapter
Onward noodly pirates!
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Swatopluk
Chef Shaman of Hauro Pasta
 
Posts: 4523
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2005 10:27 am
Location: Berlin, Germany

Postby Swatopluk on Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:15 pm

Chapter 3
1 "That's my cue!", said the FSM and He appeared in all His saucyness before them.
2 And they fell on their knees and worshipped Him, for they knew Him in an instant, although they hadn't known anything just a moment ago.
3 To them He spoke and His voice dripped parmesan and spice:
4 "Attention please, all passengers to Rio de Janeiro check in with their luggage at gate 7a immediately!"

4a Sorry for interrupting again! What idiot put in that line in here and what does it mean?
We don't take passengers and Rio is not on our schedule this month. Check the calendar!
It's Yellowbeard's turn. Our raid is due for New-Years day!

5 To them He spoke
5a Any further interruption will be dealt with incisively! My cutlass is hardtack-sharpened enough to split the mast from top to keel in one go!
6 "The FSM, Creator of mountains, trees and midgits, who is known as Hauro Pasta in Persia, as Carn-Aton the life-giving meatball in the sky in Egypt speaketh to ye.
7 Don't tremble and spill the food, for my grace is upon you.
8 Though not knowing, you make my food and longed for those parts unavailable.
9 They shall be given to you!
10 Instead of water stale Porter Ale shall be in your barrels and you shall never run out of it as long as you keep the covenant, I'll make with you later on.
11 But you, second mate, you called for the divine Garlic Bread but did not touch the Pasta.
12 Pray, tell me the reason!"
13 The second mate looked Him into the saucy eyestalks straight and without hesitation.
14 "Oh, Noodly One! I don't have to beg forgiveness, for thou knowest me and the reason.
15 Stricken with allergy, I can't eat the pasta made from wheat, though I long for it.
16 But the bread is made from rye, so I can eat it without problems."
17 Thus spoke He to the second mate:
18 "Rightly hast thou spoken and nothing wicked is in it.
19 As a sign of my grace I give this Anchovies Pizza to you and your family.
20 It will never grow stale and every noon it will renew itself until you will pass away and see my Hereafter, where there is the mighty Beer Volcano and the Stripper Factory.
21 Never empty is there the pasta bowl and noone will be stricken with anything not to his delight.
22 Now to you, captain. I have a task for you and your mates.
23 My temple in Pasata has fallen into disrepair.
24 No priest nor sailor sings my praise.
25 They take me for a monster even.
26 Though I am, of course, one, they have forgotten the true meaning of it.
27 A monster is, what inspires awe, not fear primarily.
28 Didn't they learn their Latin at school?
29 But I am digressing.
30 I strongly suggest that you and your crew sail there and make Pasata your base of operation.
31 It has a long tradition and you'll like the cult statue in the temple.
32 If that does not tempt you, the Pastry makers are famous.
33 Where do you think "Pasta" comes from?
34 When you go there, repair the temple, reerect the cult image and it shall be you home and that of your descendants forever.
35 It's not an order but an offer.
36 When you see it, you'll not refuse it!"

Here ends the third chapter
Swatopluk
Chef Shaman of Hauro Pasta
 
Posts: 4523
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2005 10:27 am
Location: Berlin, Germany

Postby Swatopluk on Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:17 pm

Chapter 4
1 The captain said: "No need to tempt us, oh Divine Lord of Tasty Food. We'll gladly follow Your suggestions.
2 I've heard of that place and have a general idea of its location. But there's one problem. 3 With the supplies we have we can't reach it, even under ideal conditions, and in that direction we won't find a ship, we could take supplies from. We'll need Your help!
4 "Good man!", said the FSM, "And for that I'll help thee even more. We'll come to that later, but before that...". He turned His eyestalk.
5 "Sorry, urgent business call! I'll be with you again in a moment!"
6 His Noodly Appendage shot out right round the world and caught the Antipast as he was just about to start a marketing campaign for canned pasta and turkey under the slogan "Time to can Thanksgiving!".
7 "You little rascal! You know that these things are an abomination unto me.
8 Take that stuff to my hereafter and put it in the locker "Nasty food for nasty people"!
9 Don't try to 'accidentally' put it under "Tasty food for people of taste", I'll check!
10 Then go to Scotland and use your talents on Haggis. If you are able to spoil its taste, you may have a whole unsupervised week as a reward. Hasta la pasta, Mepasto!"
11 The Antipast, called by his true name, jumped to attention and vanished, taking the canned rubbish with him.
12 HE grinned, for He knew that the task set would be beyond even Mepasto's power, Haggis being the most wicked prank He had yet devised in the food department.
13 All that had taken some time and when He had pulled His Appendage in again and refocused His attention to the pirates, they had started talking between themselves.
14 "People, what eat no olive', ya de have ill and pale a complexion.", said the cook to the second mate, who was happily gnawing at the pizza and making some in-between remarks about the captain's wife.
15 Again, of course, the cook had misunderstood them and taken them for a food comment.
16 "Sorry for that interruption, captain! What were you saying?"
17 The FSM had long ago realized that it was easiest to deal with humans on their terms, and that meant talking directly and asking instead of simply reading their thoughts.
18 The captain called the quartermaster, and together they made a list of necessary supplies.
19 "No manna from heaven, please! We want to feel independent!"
20 "That's fine!", said the FSM, "I'll just put the temple equipment into the lower hold and fill your larder.
21 The barrels are already full, as I see your men have already noticed."
22 Indeed they had and quaffed the Porter with great enjoyment.
23 "With that you should reach Pasata easily even with a drunk helmsman swerving about.
24 Sail NNW until you reach the Pillars of Hauromazd. Pass through the Straits at night with a goood wind.
25 Don't led the Feds catch you in the open!
26 Follow the Eastern coast until you reach Cape El-Nood.
27 Then follow the instructions on this map to guide you into Saucyport, harbour of Pasata, where Pastry V. held the great banquet.
28 There you shall find my temple, and what to do there you'll know best.
29 HraHum! Sorry to interrupt the general merriment, but a few formalities must be followed."
30 He called each one of them by name and gave him a gift.
31 He teached them the first hymns to His praise, as can be found in the appendix.
32 When it was finished, he spoke again to the captain in front of all his mates and wenches.
33 "You were known until now as Lorren Nyfl, but I will give you a new name.
34 Thou art Tenax Rubrumor, that means "Sticky Red Liquid".
35 Those who are in the covenant will know it to mean 'tomato sauce' but to all else it will be understood as 'Captain...' but you can guess that for yourself.
36 With this", a shower of fresh Parmesan fell on them, "I declare my new covenant with all decent pirates, and as long as you keep my suggestions and roam the Seven Seas, all shall be well.
37 As a sign of the covenant you shall have birds on your shoulders (free choice as long as it doesn't spoil the style), image of the one Fiery Parrot that giveth light to my Hereafter.
38 Now it is time for me to leave! Good wind and good voyage to you! Farewell!
39 We'll meet again, I know where, I know when, and you know we'll meet again some saucy day!"
40 With this song He rose from the deck, touched the masttop a last time with His Noodly Appendage and disappeared in the fading light of day, for the evening had come unnoticed.
41 But long into the night the chants of "Alliose" and "Ramen" from the ship did not cease, as they set the new course towards Pasata.

Here ends the fourth chapter
Swatopluk
Chef Shaman of Hauro Pasta
 
Posts: 4523
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2005 10:27 am
Location: Berlin, Germany

Postby Swatopluk on Mon Apr 17, 2006 12:19 pm

Chapter 5

1 It was a dark and stormy night as tradition demands it.
2 Captain Tenax' junk heaved violently in the foaming seas south of the Straits of Hauromazd.
3 Following the suggestions given to them by the FSM the captain had ordered all firearms unloaded, all doors padded and locked, and all maidens gagged.
4 The lookout in the crow's nest was instructed to keep a good one, although he didn't really expect the Coast Guard's ships in this weather out at sea.
5 Not a good time tobe up there, I can tell thee.
6 The poor soul had run out of scopolamin pills some time ago and out of stomach content as a result.
7 He had difficulties to keep the spyglass steady but did not shun his duty.
8 Down on deck it wasn't much better. Until three days ago the weather had been perfect, a steady breeze from southeast had taken them nearly in sight of the Straits.
9 But now the wind blew from northerly directions and jumped so often that the crew had to climb up into the rigging almost 24/7.
10 The ship could barely hold its position saying nothing about progressing.
11 No cooking under those conditions and even Divine Anchovies Pizza loses its attractiveness if served cold five days on end.
12 Again the lookout searched the forward sector and tried to make out something out in the darkness.
13 Suddenly a foul stench of very rotten cheese overpowered even that of half-dried puke.
14 It came with the wind from the general direction of starboard bow, and our mate, fighting down a new useless puke attack (stomach already empty as said above), pierced the black with his spyglass to find the source.
15 There it was. Now it vanished behind a wave top. Now it appeared again, brightly illuminated by the mandatory dramatic lightning bolt.
16 The lookout grasped the newly installed speaking tube and hoped that it was not blocked by puke.
17 "Captain, Monster ahead two points on the starboard bow. Identification: probably The Kraken, definitely not flying!"
18 "All hands on deck", roared the captain through his megaphone. Silence and stealth were useless now.
19 "Monster alarm, first degree! Prepare cephalopod defense! And the first to cry 'Cthulhu fhtagn!' and/or mention fertile goats will serve as bait before he can say 'August Derleth'!
20 Summon the cook and our sign language expert to explain the situation to him!"
21 As good and well a trained team as they were, the crew assembled within moments, and the captain spoke to them:
22 "To make it short: It's either Calamari for breakfast (and lunch and dinner too) or Fricassee á la Corsair for our opponent.
23 We can't cut and run (although I hate that particular phrase) because it would just stop blowing and start sucking the moment we show it our flank. We'll have to fight!
24 Wench brigade to starboard, prepare the Uzbekian Feathered Snakes but don't yet starch them.
25 Sea dog brigade to port with the meat-hooks.
26 Signalman, tell the cook to fetch the sacred recipebook and the Holy Depth Charge of Antioch.
26 Book and Charge were brought before him and the cook recited the appropriate verses.
27 "Book of the Highland Constrictor Snake, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-one.
28 And the Owl Stretcher heaved the depth charge up on high saying: 'O, Flying Monster, bless this thy depth charge , that it blows our enemy to edible bits (not smithereens, we still have enough teeth despite the hard tack) in thy mercy!'
29 And the shipfolk did grin and the company did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utans and brekfast cereals and fruitbats and..."
30 "Skip a bit, brother cook!", called the crew, "No time to spare."
31 "Ok, I'll join the Brotherhood of Time Square but don't interrupt me, we have other matters at hand.
32 Where was I? Ah, yes. And the FSM spake, saying:
33 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more no less. 34 Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three.
35 Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
36 Five is right out.
37 Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Depth Charge of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in my sight shall snuff it.
38 When the depth charge is thrown, let all present chant the Holy Words "In nomine Pasta, Ramen!"'"
39 They loaded the catapult, briefly discussed the depth settings, "Make it deep, we are not shallow people.", "No, make it flat as are our jokes.", then the second mate turned the lever.
40 The oildrum-like charge flew in a not very elegant arc (adverse wind, bad aerodynamics, you name it), and as it entered the water in front of the Beast the crew shouted three times the Sacred Words: "In nomine Pasta, Ramen!", and added an "Alliose", just to be sure.
41 In the old cauliflower design the water rose up and from it the Beast rose, shaking his tentacle-like appendages.
42 The charge seemed to have had no effect but as the crew repeated their chant so loudly that even against the wind it reached its target, the monster emitted a high-pitch wail and took to the air.
43 Behold, it was not The Kraken but again the Foul Lord of Diets, Canner of Pasta and Turkey, His Most Prankish Creation, etc., etc., Mepastaphiles the Rotten, who had finished his job in Scotland and now made his last attempt to stop the blessed Eastern Pirates from reaching their destination.
44 "Hasta la Pasta!", shouted the seadogs,
45 "Antipast, apage!", cried the wenches,
46 "Begone and back to Kansas", bellowed the captain,
47 "Good riddance, even I can't make you edible!", added the cook.
48 With a last unison "In nomine Pasta, Ramen!", they ended, for the Meagre One turned his unmentionable appendage and took flight. He swore to himself that from now on he would keep to landlocked countries and avoid seafood if possible.
49 As he parted, so did the storm except for a light breeze from the South that allowed our heroes easy passage through the Straits and the first decent meal of the week.
50 They praised the Lord Glob and reached Saucyport without further problems.

Here ends the fifth chapter.
There may be more but they have not yet been found
Swatopluk
Chef Shaman of Hauro Pasta
 
Posts: 4523
Joined: Fri Oct 14, 2005 10:27 am
Location: Berlin, Germany


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