His Only Begotten Daughter
Don't tell anyone (I have no desire to be held up as some kind of saint), but I knew his only begotten daughter when I was in grade school. She was pasty white and had appendages sooo noodley her legs went all akimbo whenever she tried to run, and don't even get me started about how she threw a ball. She always had this smell about her that attracted all the boys, especially around lunchtime. It was kind of a mix of sausage meatball and marinara. She wasn't pretty, but had a much bigger following than any of the little ponytailed junior socialites.
How did she come to be and why could we see her, you ask, and rightfully so. It seems that, on divine inspiration, an Italian imigrant named Gina Farducci opened a small fresh pasta shoppe, specializing in spaghetti. She had spaghetti of all types and sizes - whole wheat, wheatless, spinnach, extral long, fat, ultra thin, even Os. Anyway, one day as she was busily preparing her day's stock of fresh noodles, who should appear before her, but the great Him Himself. Yes, it was the Flying Spaghetti Monster, visible and in earthly form, complete with a dazzling array of noodley appendages. Ms. Farducci, is a swoon of passion threw off her apron, her smock and her undergarmets and rushed to him in a sexual frenzy. Oh, the feeling of those warm, moist noodley appendages all over her body, she was in Anavrin, in Nevaeh. Well, to make a long story short, she went through many of the normal experiences of pregnancy and childbirth and a few unique ones, and 14 1/2 months later gave birth to a healthy baby with 7 noodley appendages. (Apparently, when the great and divine Flying Spaghetti Monster has sex while in a visible, earthly state, He has designated that his offspring shall be visible and earthly, too. However, it has only happened once, so maybe He has changed His mind, or meatball, or whatever holds His thoughts.) The doctors, not knowing what to make of the 3 extra appendages, especially the one growing out of the middle of her back, surgically removed the ones that looked to them to be extras. They did want to provide her with as normal of a life as they could. She grew up slowly. By the time I met her in the 3rd grade, she was 43 years old. She was obviously much smarter than any of the other 3rd graders, but was extremely adept at fooling the teachers and administration. We kids were on to her though. She was so regal, so otherworldly, do god-like, though, we wouldn't dare divulge her secret.
I lost track of her when she moved at the end of the year. She couldn't stay in a school for more than one year, lest she be found out. What an experience, though. I do understand she has devoted her life to spreading the word of the Him and works most especially with so called born again evangelic Republicans, the most difficult group in the world to convince to open their eyes and see.
Now you know why we named our boat the Rhumb Runner and keep a pirate motif, but please keep my little revelation to yourself. Aaaarg!