The Gospel According to Manicotti
In the beginning there was nothing. Then there was some more nothing. But then a light doth shone and the universe was blessed with the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He reached out his noodly appendage molded the earth from the formless and dark void that had consumed the universe. On that first day, a Friday, he gathered it up and formed it in the shape of a mountain, some trees, and a midgit. And let it be known that midgit shall be spelled the proper way as the FSM sees it; midgit. And in the next two days he created the rest of the universe. The next three days he rested. And for a time it was good. And let it be known that each Friday shall be a holy Sabbath and let no man or woman lift a finger for fear of enraging his noodly master.
But soon the midgit fell to the wiles of nature and his soul ascended into Heaven. And in heaven he was greeted by volcanoes as far the eye could see. And from there great and terrible mouths spewed the finest of beers. And to the East and to the West stripper factories littered the grounds like a multitude of insects. And seeing that the mountain was barren he created the dinosaurs in the image of his cousin Jeff. And for a time it was good. But soon he saw that the dinosaurs did not appreciate all that he had done for them. So he screwed them over with one of his meatballs and all their descended into the fiery pits of Hell. And awaiting them was the dark lord Atkins who deprived them of all noodly goodness. And let it be known that all who stray from the noodle shall be forced into an eternity of the Atkins.
And once again the mountains were barren. So from the dust he assembled Obadiah the first pirate and placed him the garden of Eatinâ€™ located in the East. Obadiah was set to tend to the great pasta trees and for a time he was happy. But then the FSM said â€œIt is not good that man should be alone. I will make him friendsâ€. So out of the dust FSM created every bird of the air and every animal of the land and brought them to Obidiah to see what he would call them. And whatever the man called every living creature, that was there name. And for a time it was good.
But for the man there was not found a helper as his partner. So the FSM wacked him with his noodly appendage until he was in a deep coma. And from the man he took some of his brains. And with the brains that he took he created a Woman and brought her to the man. But he was in a deep coma so the FSM wacked him again and he awoke. Then Obidiah said â€œWhy did you take my brains to create this woman?â€ Then FSM did once again strike the man for questioning his great logic. And on that day he made the man and the woman promise that they would never again question him or stray from the noodle for fear of the wrath that would occur if they did. Now, the crab was more crafty than any other creature the FSM designed (plus it was butt ugly). He said to the woman â€œDid FSM say you shall not stray from the noodle?â€ The woman said to the crab â€œYou speak oh creature of Noodly creationâ€. And the crab said â€œThe FSM wants you to stray from the noodle and taste the delicious no-carb lifestyle as a test of your faithâ€. And believing the crab had spoken true she did stray and question her master. And ate only carrot sticks. When Obidiah questioned her about this she told him of the crabâ€™s words. And so he joined her in the no-carb diet. Then they heard the sound of the FSM hovering above them. And the pirate and his wench his amongst the brush. But the FSM said â€œWhere are you?â€ and Obidiah said â€œI was hiding from you for I was eating no-carb entreesâ€. And he did say â€œWho told you of this diet? Have you eaten no carb diet?â€ The man said â€œ The woman who you gave to me told me of this diet and I ateâ€ The FSM said to the crab â€œBecause you have done this you shall be damned among all my animals. And forever you shall be forced to only walk sidewaysâ€ Then he turned to the woman and named her Sophie Daniels McPhearson and exiled the two from the garden. And feeling much anger the FSM doth said â€œShitâ€ and for seven days it rained shit.