The Twelve Pastas of Rigatonicles

[Roland Deschain]

This is based upon the twelve labours of Hercules/Heracles. I wanted to do something on the epic of Gilgamesh, but as that would require an intense amount of reading to re-familiarise myself with the salient parts, not to mention this one requiring far less reading (although not so insignificant an amount), I decided on this instead. The Epic of Pastamesh will have to come much later. Enjoy.

The Twelve Pastas of Rigatonicles - by Peista


Prologue

Many years ago when the world was much younger, there lived a hero named Rigatonicles. Rumour had it that he was the product of a union between one of the FSM's Noodly Appendages and Acini, a highly revered woman. This was unsubstantiated though, and as nobody could remember the conception due to the amount of beer consumed that night, his father officially remained a mystery. Rigatonicles had a hard life, worked hard for much of it and doing many great deeds. He became famous throughout many lands far and wide, and was courted by many powerful women.

Travelling to Thebes one day, he met and fell in love with a beautiful princess named Meguccine, the daughter of King Cu Mian. After asking for her hand in marriage, he settled down and lived a good life, Meguccini bearing him six wonderful children. A queen from a distant land had heard of Rigatonicles' great deeds in life, and wanted him for her own, so she concocted a plan to take her revenge on him, and remove his happiness forever. The queen sent a poison to Rigatonicles to drive him mad, and upon him imbibing this, in a fit of madness, he slew his six children dead. Once the madness had passed, a great remorse came over him, and also a great depression.

King Cu Mian purified him and forgave him, knowing the fit of madness to be a trick played upon him, but nothing anyone said could bring Rigatonicles from his bout of depression. One day, it was suggested that he see the Noodacle at Delphi, whose wisdom and contact with the FSM would help to absolve him. Arriving at Delphi, Rigatonicles met with the Noodacle, who told him that he would need to serve King Eurystrenette, a rival to Rigatonicles, after which he would receive the blessing of the FSM and would be touched by His Noodly Appendage.

Rigatonicles was obviously not happy at having to serve his enemy, and thought deeply on this for many days, but upon deciding to do this, left for King Eurystrenette's kingdom. Arriving at the city at the heart of King Eurystrenette's kingdom, Rigatonicles made his presence known, and offered his service for 12 years in penance for his madness. King Eurystrenette accepted him, and was openly mocking of Rigatonicles, which angered him, but patience stayed both his heart and his sword. King Eurystrenette laid down a plan for attaining the status as the provider of the 12 greatest pastas in the world, and told Rigatonicles of 12 tasks that were to be given to him, one for each year of his service. Much time would it take to find each of the necessary ingredients, and much time would it take to recover, so one year per task was seen as ample. Thus began the almighty gathering of The Twelve Pastas of Rigatonicles.


The First Pasta

King Eurystrenette told Rigatonicles of a fearsome lion who was said to guard the Sacred Wheat of Nemea. When used in making certain pastas, it is said that it imbued the eaters with great strength, and the king wanted it for himself. So off went Rigatonicles to find the fearsome lion, which took him far away to the town of Cleononi. Upon entering the town, he made known what he was seeking, but everyone was fearful of him and hid. Travelling the length of the town and leaving the other side, he noticed a young shepherd boy tending his sheep. Approaching him, Rigatonicles asked him of the lion, and how to find the Nemean wheat fields. The young shepherd boy, afraid at first, spoke up at last, and told him that it was not far from there, and that all he had to do was to follow the line of the river nearby.

His curiosity peaked, the boy asked Rigatonicles to stay for food and wine, which he did, and questioned him about his quest. Rigatonicles found himself telling the boy of his journey to that place, and of all the wondrous people he had met, but kept quiet his identity, but the boy was smart, and realising who this man was, offered him an incentive. The boy told Rigatonicles that if he could slay the lion of Nemea within 30 days, he would sacrifice half his flock to the FSM, and give such a feast for the townspeople that had never been seen, as the meatballs from that many sheep would feed many. He then appeared grave, and told Rigatonicles that if he didn't slay the lion of Nemea within 30 days, he would sacrifice himself to the FSM, offering his life's blood instead of his flock. Rigatonicles was shocked at the tone the conversation had taken, and pleaded with the boy not to do so, but the boy adamantly refused.

Packing up his lunch, the boy bade farewell and good luck to Rigatonicles, and sent him on his way. Rigatonicles was much disturbed by this chain of events, and endeavoured to slay the lion that very day if he could. He wondered what was so fierce about a lion, as he had slain many before, and the foreboding given him by the boy earlier on deepened, but determined to do his best, Rigatonicles soldiered on, following the river as instructed.

After three days of walking, Rigatonicles finally reached the bottom of a hill which once climbed, afforded him a decent view of the land. There in the valley below him was a field of the most golden wheat he had ever seen, bordered on three sides by the fiercest cliffs he had encountered in his travels thus far. Knowing at once that this was the fabled Sacred Wheat of Nemea, Rigatonicles made his way down the steep hill, being careful not to fall, when all of a sudden there appeared in front of him a huge lion with a golden coat of fur. Taken aback by the majesty of this lion, Rigatonicles froze for a second before taking stock of the situation. Knowing he would have to approach carefully, he made his way towards the lion slowly, his eyes never wandering from the golden lion.

Once he was within shouting distance, he called out to the lion that he only needed a few seeds of the wheat, and he would go, but Rigatonicles knew that this would not work. Suddenly running towards him, the lion soon made up the distance, and pounced. Artfully dodging the lion's attack, Rigatonicles ducked to the left, rolling on the ground to get out of its way. Quickly drawing his bow, he released an arrow straight towards the lion's heart, knowing that he'd never failed to kill with his trusted bow, but was shocked to see the arrow bounce straight off of the lion's fur. Thinking that maybe he just missed the shot, he drew time after time, dodging and weaving from the lion's fatal embrace, but every shot seemed to bounce off of the lion as the first had done. Feeling tired, Rigatonicles made a retreat, deciding that he needed to devise a different tactic.

He observed the lion from a distance over the next few days, and noticed that the lion had a cave in which he slept, with two entrances. Devising his plan, Rigatonicles stole down carefully one night, and began to move the stones near one of the entrances to block it. The stones were large, and he was at it all night, but eventually he had stopped one of the entrances with enough stones to block it effectively. He then waited for the lion to awaken, and followed him. Seeing him, the lion once again attacked, but Rigatonicles was ready, and he pelted the lion with rocks large enough to drive him off. Driving him towards his cave, Rigatonicles had him cornered, and he decided to use his strength to defeat the lion. The battle was fierce, but Rigatonicles was triumphant, knocking the lion out with a large stone then strangling him.

Rigatonicles marvelled at the lion's impressive fur, and coveted it for armour, but try as he might, he could not cut it. Suddenly he felt a light breeze near his shoulder, and a thought popped into his head. Removing the lion's claw, he was able to use it to remove the coat, and fashion it into the toughest armour he had ever seen, attaching the claws together to make a formidable weapon to go with his now impressive, yet unorthodox, armour. Taking his new prizes, Rigatonicles made his way down to the field of golden wheat, where he cut many ears that were to be saved for taking home. He also cut some for himself, which he ground into flour and made into pasta. Upon tasting this pasta, he felt a strength enter into him through his new armour and weapon, and at once he understood the power of this wheat. Laughing to himself, he collected his things, also picking up the lion's carcass, and started the journey home.

When he returned to the shepherd boy, the boy rejoiced, and sacrificed half his flock as promised, giving the best feast Cleononi had ever known. So many meatballs were gained from the flock of sheep that there was enough to invite the surrounding towns' residents too, and the area entered a new era of peace and co-operation. Rigatonicles longed to stay, but knew that he had a long way to go, so regretfully left on his journey home.

On arriving home, King Eurystrenette saw the majesty of Rigatonicles in his new armour, and saw the might of the lion, and was afraid, declaring that thenceforth Rigatonicles was not to enter the city under pain of instant death. Handing over the ears of wheat, Rigatonicles left the city to a dwelling nearby, where he planted a few of the seeds he had saved. There he rested, building his strength for the next trial and tending his fledgling crop.

[Roland Deschain]

The Twelve Pastas of Rigatonicles - by Peista


The Second Pasta

One year to the day from him setting out on his first quest, Rigatonicles was summoned to the city gates by King Eurystrenette. He told Rigatonicles that he was to now find the Zitiaean Hydra and acquire some of its rice, as the king was led to believe that the rice would give him great wisdom. Rigatonicles set out the next day with his bow and arrow, his golden armour, and his lion's claw weapon, travelling once again the dusty roads to pasta and glory.

Now, the Zitiaean Hydra lived in the middle of a swamp in which it kept its precious rice, which was jealously guarded by the Hydra. As Rigatonicles approached the edge of the swamp, he could smell its stench, and by the time he reached the edge, it had him on his knees, but as soon as he entered the path through the swamp, the smell disappeared. He thought to himself that this was an effective defence against intruders, and wondered what magic had been invoked to conjure it up, but this was not what he was there for.

The path through the swamp was long and winding, with heavy fog making the going slow and laborious, but eventually he began to make some headway, and was most of the way through when he spied a field of green and bright white in the distance. He knew this must be The Rice of Wisdom he sought, and made careful haste. When he was close enough to see clearly, a beast appeared out of the fog, very large, and with a number of appendages. This would be a long fight for him, he knew, so he made his way forth to challenge it.

The Hydra was not about to give up its treasure, and it came at him, snapping with the heads on the ends of its neck-like appendages. Rigatonicles cut one of the heads off with a strong, sweeping stroke, and thought that he was on his way to victory, but two heads sprouted where there once was once. Realising that he needed help in this fight, he made a quick retreat back through the swamp on a journey of many days, finally reaching the edge. Rigatonicles' nephew Passatelli lived nearby, so he sought him out for help and guidance. After much discussion and reading of old legends, a plan was formulated to cut the heads and cauterise the stumps so that no new heads could grow. It was also discovered that only one head was immortal, and to cut it off would mean the Hydra's death, but to get to this immortal head would mean the severing of many of the others.

So Rigatonicles and Passatelli left for the swamp, and eventually they did reach the centre of it after many trials, the greatest of which was the all-pervading smell magic protecting it. The Hydra was there waiting for them, patient and watchful, and they set their plan into motion. Ducking and weaving, Rigatonicles made his attack, severing the mortal heads, with Passatelli cauterising them with a firebrand. The plan worked, and the heads did not grow back, and before long, Rigatonicles was able to get close enough to the immortal head to sever it from its appendage. Much blood flowed from the stump before Passatelli was able to seal it, and the beast lay dead at Rigatonicles' feet. Rigatonicles picked up the immortal head of the Hydra and fashioned the skull into a helmet for himself.

He stood there looking ferocious, covered still in the blood of the Hydra, and went to pick the ears of rice requested by the king, also taking some for himself. Grinding some into a flour, he did make pasta to eat, and as soon as it touched his lips, he felt a great wisdom flow into him. He realised that many trials were ahead of him, but knew that with the strength and wisdom he had gained from the pasta he had eaten, they would be easier for him to accomplish.

Travelling home, he stayed briefly with his nephew, and noticed a change had come over the peoples thereabouts. The fear of the Hydra had passed, and there was much rejoicing and praising of Rigatonicles the Hero and Redeemer. Leaving to go home, he finally reached the gates to the city, calling for the king. The king graciously accepted the gift of the rice, and bade him rest at his cottage, but he said that as Rigatonicles' nephew had helped him in this task, it, as well as the whole year, would be null and void in his promise of service. This enraged Rigatonicles, and the king soon retracted what he had said in fear. Returning to his cottage, Rigatonicles planted the rice he had left, which added to his small farm, awaiting the end of his second year, and the start of his third trial.


The Third Pasta

At the beginning of the third year, the king told Rigatonicles of his third task, which was to acquire The Buckwheat of the Cheonsachae Hind. The hind was the fastest in the land, running rings around hunters and outrunning their arrows. Knowing that this task required his wisdom to be used to full effect, he thought deeply on it, but his wisdom told him that he could not outrun it, and he would never find out where the buckwheat was. Leaving on his journey, he fell into a slight depression, for once not knowing what he would do, for the hind was a sacred animal to the FSM, and to hurt it would bring disfavour upon him.

Many months passed until he found it, a blur on the landscape, and he at once gave chase, travelling many miles in its wake far and wide, until eventually it stopped to rest. He could not approach it without it running away once again, so he decided to lay a trap, albeit a gentle one. One night, while the hind was drinking from a stream, Rigatonicles approached unarmed, bearing a bouquet of the finest bark. The hind pricked its ears up at this, and looked towards him cautiously. Rigatonicles called out to the hind that he wanted but some of its buckwheat, and that he did not want to harm her. Taking pity on him, the hind came and ate of the delicious bark, allowing Rigatonicles to pet her, as she realised how gentle this great man was.

Once the hind had had her fill, she led him to her buckwheat, and Rigatonicles harvested some for the king, and some for himself. Thanking the hind profusely, Rigatonicles set out to find some of the sweetest bark again, and returned bearing much of it. The hind felt pity for him, for she knew his desperate plight, and so she fashioned a knife from one branch of her antlers. Taking it with graciousness and humility, he took some of the buckwheat and ground it into flour, once again making pasta. As he ate the pasta, he felt the power of speed enter his body, and at once began to run like the wind, the hind following and only just managing to keep up. At last they both stopped and collapsed in laughter, enjoying the heat of the day and the stillness of the air. Realising he had to leave, as his journey had taken many many months, he made his farewells to the hind, thanking her once again for her kindness.

It came to pass that as Rigatonicles worked his way home, the hind did travel to many cities where the people marvelled at her beauty, and she found that her gentleness was passed onto the people there. If it were not for Rigatonicles, this would not have happened, so she extolled the virtues of him to the people, and they did marvel at this Hero.

At last reaching the city gates, Rigatonicles called for the king and gave him his buckwheat, once again returning to his cottage. After planting the buckwheat he had kept behind, and tending to the rest of the farm, which was beginning to grow to a reasonable size, he rested until the beginning of the fourth year.

[Roland Deschain]

The Twelve Pastas of Rigatonicles - by Peista


The Fourth Pasta

On the beginning of the fourth year, King Eurystrenette told Rigatonicles to go in search of the Maultasche Boar, which was said to make the best meatballs in the world, which was a mighty accompaniment for the grains he had already found. Rigatonicles set out once again, and sought the advice of his old friend Chiron the one-eyed pirate, who had become a recluse on the top of a mountain overlooking the sea. Long did he toil there, helping the old pirate set his house in order, and asking his advice on the boar and where to find them.

Seeing a bottle of grog, Rigatonicles asked Chiron to open it so that they might drink, but Chiron was reluctant, as it was a gift from the FSM Himself for great services rendered. Eventually winning Chiron over, the grog was opened, but unbeknownst to Chiron, the smell attracted a few other pirates, who demanded to share in the grog. They soon became very drunk, and took to fighting amongst themselves with vigour and great enthusiasm. Many injuries were incurred by the pirates as they fought, and no matter how much Rigatonicles entreated them, they refused to stop. Only by knocking them out was he able to stop the fighting, by which time Chiron's house was a mess.

After helping to clear up, and depositing the other pirates somewhere else to sober up, Rigatonicles questioned Chiron on the Maultasche Boar. Chiron told him of where to find it, and that if he were to drive it into a pit of pasta sauce, he would be able to capture it. This was exactly what Rigatonicles needed to know, so he set off once more to seek out the boar, eventually finding it with its brood in the forests of Pierogi. Preparing the pit, he then sought out enough ingredients to make the required pasta sauce, and long did it take him to do so. Once the trap was at last ready, he used his speed to go round and past the herd of boar, then ran back at the leader with her brood, forcing them towards his tasty trap. As expected, the boar plunged into the pit of pasta sauce, and floundered around, unable to get out. Taking pity on the boar, he took her out on the promise that she and her brood would come with him to his home, and that her kind would provide him with meat for meatballs. Much excited as the prospect of an easier life, the boar agreed, and she was lifted from the sauce.

In thanks for Rigatonicles' kindness, she offered one of her offspring there and then. The suckling boar was slaughtered and the meat was prepared for meatballs, which were cooked in the pasta sauce with which he'd filled his pit. The hide of the boar was tanned, and made into gloves fit for a Hero. Upon eating the meatballs while wearing the gloves, he felt a sudden inrush of youth and vitality; something he had not felt for many years, him being middle-aged for the time. This fourth gift given to him was something special, and he would treasure it forever.

Making his way back home with a herd of boar, including the infamous Maultasche Boar, he finally approached the city gates, calling for King Eurystrenette, but upon seeing the fierceness of the boar and her brood, the king bade Rigatonicles to take them away, although he did accept a few meatballs that had been saved. For this he was grateful. Rigatonicles then set aside a part of his growing farm for the boar so that they could have shelter when needed, but allowed them to wander freely on his land, and in the neighbouring forest. Thus ended his fourth quest, and the time of rest before the fifth.


The Fifth Pasta

Now everyone had been commenting on how youthful Rigatonicles was, and King Eurystrenette became jealous, as the tasks he gave to Rigatonicles were meant to if not kill him, at least to wear him down quickly. In spite, he spoke to his close friend, King Agnolotti, who had cattle stables famed throughout the land for the quality of meat they provided, and also due to the FSM having once tasted of their meatballs. The stables housed at least 1000 cattle, and had not been cleaned for 30 years, so the quantity of the dung was very large. King Eurystrenette told Rigatonicles to clean the stables in one day, and that if he could do so, King Agnolotti had promised him 10% of his cattle. Seeing the size of the gargantuan task, Rigatonicles was dismayed, but his wisdom allowed him to see a way of doing this using his speed and strength.

Ten miles away from the stables were two rivers, the Anelli and Penne, which flowed with vigour, and Rigatonicles knew that if he could reroute these to the stables, their waters would wash away the filth. For months he laboured on the project, mile by mile digging the new courses of the rivers so that the filth would wash away, until at last he had completed the route of one river. The second river's new route took equally as long, but Rigatonicles never once faltered in his task, working day by day to complete it.

At last the day came to complete the work, and to allow each river to flow into the stables, and thence clean them. The dams were broken, and the water gushed inexorably towards their target. The people of the city were afraid, as the noise of the approaching rivers grew. As the waters reached the stables they became deafening, and the water gushed with the force of a waterfall through them, clearing away the filth of decades. Once the waters subsided and had done so to what the rivers were used to, a fresh smell came from the stables and spread over the city, lightening the mood of the citizens and improving their lives.

King Agnolotti, being in league with King Eurystrenette, called to Rigatonicles and told him that as he had used the rivers to clean the stables, their deal was now null and void. Rigatonicles was enraged by this, and argued that there had been no such disclaimer on the deal. The son of King Agnolotti, Prince Pillus, entreated the king to change his mind on honouring the agreement, and was banished for this. Rigatonicles stormed the city by himself, and slew King Agnolotti, allowing the Prince, now King, Pillus to return and take the throne. King Pillus gave to Rigatonicles his due, and bade the whole city attend a banquet in honour of Rigatonicles' deed.

Rigatonicles took his tenth of the herd and camped with them outside of the city, working to ensure that the new banks for the rivers were secure along their lengths, and that they made it back to their original courses. The following months were good for him, as he was able to rest away from the king he so despised, but there were other changes too. All along the courses the rivers took, the dung from the stables had been deposited over the land, which now flooded periodically, fertilising them like never before. A great bounty of food was now growing there with a yield the likes of which had never been seen, ensuring a net production of food for the city, and a great resource for trade. So grateful were the people of King Pillus' city, that a mighty statue was built to commemorate him, and it was placed at the entrance to the city so that all who entered would know why it prospered.

Making ready to leave for home at last, Rigatonicles invited King Pillus out to his encampment for a last meal. Strong was their bond of friendship now, and much they spoke about, but King Pillus had one last gift for the mighty Hero; a pair of boots made from the finest hide of the herd. Pulling them on, he at once loved them, and embraced his friend in thanks. Their meal was of pasta, and meatballs made from the herd, but upon tasting of the meatballs, which he had done many times before, a great feeling of stamina entered him, which when combined with his strength and speed, would make him even more formidable. King Pillus did not share in this feeling, but he did benefit from it later that night, as he and Rigatonicles spent the night together in love.

Saying his teary farewells the following morning, Rigatonicles left for home, driving his large herd before him, finally arriving at the gates to the city of King Eurystrenette. The king welcomed him cautiously, and bade him rest, commenting that such a payment would necessarily forfeit the task he had performed. Rigatonicles at once flew into a rage, saying that once again this was not part of the original agreement, and that no restrictions were put upon him in his duties. King Eurystrenette, very afraid of Rigatonicles, agreed, and left immediately. Rigatonicles set aside a large area for his cattle to freely roam, building them a stable fit for the mightiest of kings. Finally, once this was done, he rested once again.

[Roland Deschain]

The Twelve Pastas of Rigatonicles - by Peista


The Sixth Pasta

The beginning of the sixth year came all too quickly for Rigatonicles, as there was much work to do on his farm, which had prospered greatly in his time away. On his instruction, most of the seed from the plants were kept for planting more crops, and as a consequence he now had several acres of each. The boar had also prospered, and as none had yet been slaughtered, their numbers had increased to a sustainable level. King Eurystrenette sent for Rigatonicles to inform him of his next task, which was to capture the Strozzapreti Birds, famed for their beauty, but also for the destruction they wrought on the countryside and crops around them. This would be the easiest task so far, and Rigatonicles set about acquiring many nets and arrows for the job.

Setting off towards the lake of Strozzapreti, Rigatonicles made way quickly, and was soon upon the lake. As he got nearer, he found many towns laid waste by the birds, and the crops also, and felt pity for them. Upon reaching the lake, he found it to be a deadly swamp, in the middle of which were the birds. Not knowing how he would be able to reach them, he hit upon an idea to use a rattle to startle them. Fashioning the rattle from the meagre vegetation available to him, he shook it with all his might, startling the Strozzapreti birds from their slumber. Using his speed, he threw many nets to capture them as they approached, catching all but a few, using his arrows to finish the rest. Checking his catch and kill, he noticed that they did indeed appear beautiful, and he marvelled at how something so lovely could be responsible for so much pain, but knowing of life, he knew that by far the worst animals were humans, who were responsible for more suffering than any other animal could ever inflict.

The dead birds he cut open and cooked, revelling in their sweet flesh, but when gutting them for cooking, he noticed that their stomachs were full of seeds, the likes of which he had never seen. Keeping them for his own, he took his prizes and returned home. On the way, he was accosted by many people thanking him for what he had done. He accepted this with all humility, and continued on his way, finally reaching, once again, the gates to his city. King Eurystrenette came to welcome him, taking a number of the birds for his private menagerie, but Rigatonicles warned him that they were dangerous, and to be treated with the utmost care. Not heeding his advice, the king did as he pleased, and the birds destroyed everything they came into contact with, necessitating their slaughter. The king was sad, and vowed never to seek them out again.

Rigatonicles was far wiser though, and had a large aviary built especially for them. The birds would eat anything, and made good eating themselves, but it was the mysterious seeds he wanted the most. Planting some in the birds' enclosure, Rigatonicles tended them, and with the addition of bird dung, as well as a liberal spreading of his cattle's dung, they soon grew into beautiful plants with white and yellow flowers. Rigatonicles found that they grew a kind of root that was able to be ground into a form of flour with which to make pasta. Rigatonicles, in honour of the way he had acquired the seeds, called the plant Arrowroot, and made pasta with this flour. After decorating his Hydra helmet with the feathers of the birds, he ate of the pasta, and suddenly found himself feeling light of character and mood, able to take the problems of the world on his shoulders with nary a thought for how they would affect him. From this moment on, people commented on how much lighter he was, which after what he had been through was nothing short of a miracle, and his legend increased in size.


The Seventh Pasta

On the start of the seventh year, Rigatonicles was sent to Crete to assist King Misua in capturing the Cretan Bull, which had been causing havoc there, uprooting crops and tearing down orchard walls. Rigatonicles boarded a ship bound for Crete, which took many days, and upon arriving was greeted by King Misua. After a welcome feast, they retired to the king's chambers, where the king's advisers updated Rigatonicles on the bull's whereabouts and activities to that day. Rigatonicles was confident that he could capture it, and set out across the island to where it lay.

He approached the bull carefully after seeing how huge it was, and approached it from behind. Hearing his his approach, the bull turned and charged him, almost goring him open in the process. Being more careful than before, Rigatonicles circled round, trying to tire it out, but to no avail. This was to come down to a test of strength, something Rigatonicles knew he had. The fight was long and bloody, and many injuries did both of them encounter, but eventually, after several weeks of fighting, the bull finally tired, and lay down in defeat. Rigatonicles spoke softly to him, telling him of his great herd of cattle who were without a bull to command them. This talk of cow wenches interested the bull, and he listened intently to Rigatonicles' offer. The bull was to come with him to his farm and reside there in peace, not disturbing anyone ever again. In recompense, the bull was to have his pick of Rigatonicles' herd of cattle, enjoying their wares for the rest of his days.

Now the bull began to cry, and opened his heart to Rigatonicles, confessing that his anger at the people of Crete was due to the island's lack of wenches for him to spend his days with. Rigatonicles was greatly moved by this, and wiped his tears for him, leading him to the city of King Misua. The king was mightily afraid, and had thought that Rigatonicles had been slain by the beast, but as soon as Rigatonicles explained the deal, there was much rejoicing. The tyranny of the Cretan Bull was over, and a new era of prosperity could begin. A feast was given in honour of them both, and they were sent on their way the next day, so eager were the people to be rid of their former bane.

Rigatonicles returned home far earlier than King Eurystrenette had envisioned, and marvelled at the size of the bull, for he was indeed mighty to behold. Praising him for his deed, he bid him return to his farm, and he did so, introducing the Cretan Bull to his herd. At once the bull was joyous, and wept for the sight of all these potential wenches. Much love was had by the bull that day, and for many months to come. Many offspring were then born, the likes of which had never been seen. The meat of the offspring was even better than that which came from the original herd, and much fuss was made over its taste and texture. Thus had the herd become viable, which added to the greatness of Rigatonicles' farm, so humble in its beginnings, so mighty as it had become.

[Roland Deschain]

The Twelve Pastas of Rigatonicles - by Peista


The Eighth Pasta

At the start of the eighth year, King Eurystrenette sent for Rigatonicles at the gate of the city so he could give him his eighth task. He told him that he was to procure The Mares of Spätzle, so that he could boast of having the finest horses in the world. Rigatonicles was well rested, and was itching for this task. He was told by King Eurystrenette that there were four mares owned by Spätzle, and they were tethered to a bronze manger. Rigatonicles knew that to get them out under the nose of Spätzle would take skill and cunning, not to mention a few helping hands to bring them back, so he set about his preparations for the journey.

Rigatonicles' favourite lover Bucatini wanted to assist, as did a couple of others, so they set out with all they would need. The journey was not a long one, but it was arduous, needing the navigation of a fierce range of mountains. The passage was narrow and winding, but at last it was over as the fifth week after their departure came. Coming to the lands of Spätzle, who lived a pretty reclusive existence, they trod carefully, making sure that they were neither suspicious-looking or hidden, so as to assure Spätzle that their purpose was honourable. They were met by Spätzle, who challenged them on their intentions, to which they replied that they were travellers from afar, and had come to see the famous Spätzle. Proffering fine grog and pasta, made from some of Rigatonicles' own crop, they supped with Spätzle, who was apparently overcome with the quality of what had been given to him.

As Spätzle opened up to Rigatonicles, he confessed to his ownership of four horses of special strength and speed. He was shown them, and a red fire seemed to light their eyes. Spätzle offered to give Rigatonicles a tour of his humble lands, and the natural beauty therein, and asked if Bucatini would be so kind as to look after the horses. Bucatini immediately accepted, and upon asking if they required any special treatment, was told that they did not. Bucatini took up his post while the other two friends joined Rigatonicles and his guide, Spätzle. The tour took them to a beautiful hilltop which afforded them views for many leagues around, and was where Spätzle had first spied them from. He also showed them a rushing brook which issued from a spring on the hilltop, whose white water was a sight to behold. After several hours, they returned to the camp, which is when Rigatonicles was going to broach the subject of acquiring the horses, but upon entering the camp, and going to find Bucatini, he was nowhere to be found.

Rigatonicles suddenly noticed that the horses' eyes glowed redder, and that blood stained their lips. Looking around with this awful knowledge, it was easy to see what had happened; the horses had eaten his lover, Bucatini. Rigatonicles was enraged, and as Spätzle was suspiciously absent, he took his sword and broke the bonds tying the horses to their bronze manger, chasing them up the hill. Upon a flat stretch they stopped, so taking the weapon he made from the claws of the Nemean Lion, he dug a trench all round them, and filled it with the water from the spring, trapping the mares. He began calling for Spätzle, telling him to come and defend his honour, in the name of the Almighty FSM, Sacred Pasta of Creation. But Spätzle was devious, and came to take Rigatonicles from behind. Little did he know of the power of Rigatonicles' armour, or of his prowess, as the battle commenced. On and on they fought for many hours, until at last Rigatonicles was victorious.

Binding Spätzle with twine, Rigatonicles bade him to speak of the mares, and to spill forth all his knowledge. Spätzle did so, telling Rigatonicles that the mares were completely wild, and that they only ate of human flesh, which kept them in madness. Under pain of death, he also confessed to wanting to feed Rigatonicles and his companions to the horses, as they had not eaten in quite a while, and in a fit of anger, Rigatonicles threw Spätzle to his horses, who immediately began to devour him. When nothing was left of him, the horses calmed down, and the red light left their eyes. Rigatonicles entered the ring he had dug, and approached them cautiously, heeding the words of Spätzle in his last moments.

Approaching the fiercest looking one, he mounted her swiftly, gripping with his knees. The mare bucked and kicked, but eventually calmed down for him. Whispering in her ear, he spoke of meaningful work for her and her kin, and the end to their madness. This seemed to appeal to the mare, as she appeared to commune with her sistren mares, and at last a consensus was reached between them. Leading them one by one, although a saddened Rigatonicles took two, the party went back to the camp and cooked a meal, using the fine ingredients they had brought with them. Upon eating the pasta of many ingredients, the horses were at once at peace, and knew that their hunger for man-flesh had at last left them. The horses were impatient to leave, but there was one task Rigatonicles needed to perform. Using the stones from Spätzle's home, he built a small and empty tomb in remembrance of his friend and lover Bucatini, lovingly adorned in living plants. And so finally all their things were packed up, and they left for home.

Rigatonicles' arrival home was quite an enthusiastic one, and he was greeted with at least a shadow of warmth by King Eurystrenette, who welcomed him back. Rigatonicles bade the king to come down and collect his prize, and he was so eager to do so, at once forgot his fear of Rigatonicles, and came down himself. As he approached, the mares bucked and kicked, showing their wildness, which greatly distressed the king. The horses were to prove untrainable by any of the king's finest farriers, and after a couple of months, were given as a gift to Rigatonicles. Rigatonicles accepted them gladly, and on a steady diet of good pasta, they were calmed greatly and tamed, ploughing the fields for him.

Such was their strength and speed, that they reduced the workload around the farm considerably, leaving Rigatonicles the time to tame many of the Strozzapreti Birds. Many generations had come and gone since the first batch of wild birds, and they had taken much liking to their diet of Arrowroot, learning to leave enough of the plant so that it didn't die. The tamest were allowed to roam freely on the farm, but strangely never left it. In fact, so many did he have, that he was able to collect the eggs, strange as they were, and cook with them, but it wasn't until he made pasta with them, that something wonderful happened. While wearing his boots, now lined with horsehair as it was winter, he felt a wildness enter him. It was a feeling like no other, and he knew it to be the power of the mares in their wild state, although he had no compulsion to taste human flesh. A mighty warrior had Rigatonicles become, and one with whom not to mess.


The Ninth Pasta

One day the king came to see Rigatonicles on his farm, which was the first time he had ever done this. King Eurystrenette had heard of the wonder of this farm, and had come to see it first-hand. He was greatly impressed as Rigatonicles showed him what he had done, and admitted to some jealousy, but was quick to say that this jealousy was merely friendly, and definitely not adversarial. Rigatonicles accepted it in kindness, and thanked the king for the compliment. The king came to the other point of his visit at the end of the day after an amazing meal, telling Rigatonicles of The Girdle of Hipastyta, which was said to have been given to Hipastyta by the FSM to signify her authority as Queen of the Amazons.

Rigatonicles took with him some companions, including his good friend Tripoleseus. The queendom of the Amazons was well-known to many, and as Rigatonicles had been there once before many years ago, he knew the shortest way, cutting a full six months from their journey. Travelling by sea in the finest pirate ship known, they soon reached Amazonia, and at once requested an audience with Hipastyta. She gracefully granted this audience, and Rigatonicles presented her with the finest pick of last year's crop, greatly impressing everyone there, not least of all Hipastyta herself. Hipastyta asked Rigatonicles of his life and endurances, so he told her his sorrowful tale, and of all that had ensued from that fateful day many years ago. She was rapt with attention, and cried profusely at his misfortune and sadness. Then, as Rigatonicles moved on from there, detailing his adventures on the road to redemption, she brightened, becoming increasingly impressed with this modest man, for although he played down the difficulties, she could see straight through it, seeing the man beneath.

Much fine pasta and grog were consumed, and every time Rigatonicles happened to touch her arm, a little shudder of pleasure went through Hipastyta, starting at her head and feet and meeting in the middle. Offering his companions the full hospitality of the Amazonian beauties on offer, Hipastyta took Rigatonicles by the hand and led him to her chamber. Much passion was spilled that night as the mighty Amazonian queen and the mighty Hero consummated their attraction. Rigatonicles felt a great weight leave him, which had never seriously gone, even with the peace of the Arrowroot. He had found someone for whom life was at last worth living, a feeling which was shared by the queen. As a gift of her love, Hipastyta gave Rigatonicles her girdle, promising him that she would wed him one day soon, and that together they would rule with great benevolence and wisdom. Humbly accepting this, Rigatonicles fell asleep, falling both quickly and deeply in Hipastyta's arms.

Morning came, and the mood was light among all concerned. The group prepared to leave, but Alphabetti, one of the Amazonians, had fallen for Tripoleseus, and wanted to leave with him. She felt that she had to do so in secrecy, so hid in Tripoleseus' baggage, keeping very quiet. Off they went, but an enemy of Rigatonicles had spread a rumour that he was there to kidnap Hipastyta, which the discovery of Alphabetti appeared to verify. At once the group were attacked on all sides by the Amazonians, regardless of the entreaties of either Hipastyta or Rigatonicles. The battle was fierce, and although the men were under orders not to harm any of the Amazonians by word from Rigatonicles, the Amazonians were under no such instruction, having not heeded the words of their queen. Rigatonicles at once used his amazing speed to tie up many of the Amazonian warrior wenches, even though they were mighty fierce, effectively ending the battle. The Amazonians surrendered, most of their army having been captured, and offered themselves to Rigatonicles, but Rigatonicles would not accept their surrender, offering that there was no need to do so as they had not lost.

Confused by this, the Amazonians asked why, and just as Rigatonicles was about to explain, Hipastyta managed to make her way through the throng to do so in his stead. She told them of the wisdom, kindness, and great inner strength of Rigatonicles, telling her warrior wenches that as the battle was based upon a simple misunderstanding caused by the spreading of malicious rumours, it was therefore null and void. The warrior wenches were amazed as Rigatonicles cut their bonds, handing them back their weapons as he did so, even though he had removed his weapons beforehand. Many of them wailed and threw themselves at his feet for forgiveness, and he granted them their wishes immediately, telling them that no harm had come to any of his people, and that he had done his best not to harm them, which considering the fierceness of the battle, this was nothing short of a miracle of carbohydrate-based uniqueness.

As this had been the indirect fault of Alphabetti and Tripoleseus, they offered themselves in lifelong service to Rigatonicles and Hipastyta, stating that honour required them to do so. Both of them refused this service, stating that not even the FSM himself would stop lovers being together, and they were bade to honour and serve each other to the end of their days. They readily agreed, profusely thanking their wise leaders, and made ready to leave once again. Many goodbyes were said, and many tears were shed, but the party, now one member up, made their way home. The journey was a thoughtful one, and brought reflection to all, but this was short-lived as home got nearer, and the thought of relaxation came to them.

Soon the city was in sight, and Rigatonicles delivered The Girdle of Hipastyta to King Eurystrenette who received it with much humility. Rigatonicles detected a most unexpected change in his demeanour, and stored it away for future reference.

[Roland Deschain]

The Twelve Pastas of Rigatonicles - by Peista


The Tenth Pasta

In the time since his ninth trial, Rigatonicles had set aside some land on his farm for Alphabetti and Tripoleseus to work themselves, also giving them seed to get them going, saying that it was from both himself and Hipastyta. They were overjoyed at this, and promised to do them both very proud. In time their farm would come to prosper greatly too, but this is not their story.

King Eurystrenette came to declare the trial for the tenth year, sending Rigatonicles to collect The Cattle of Gemellion. Gemellion was a giant of great renown, famed for his three spears, shields, and helmets, but Rigatonicles knew that this would be no match for his own armour and weapons, forged from some of the most powerful beasts of the land. Setting out at once, Rigatonicles went across a great sea, and eventually reached the desert of Lasagne, which he was to cross. The desert was harsh, and the sun was hot, and Rigatonicles fired an arrow at the sun, hoping it would reach the FSM Himself. The FSM was much impressed by Rigatonicles' piratical attitude, and rewarded him with His own grog cup that would sail across the desert far quicker than he could run it, even with his impressive speed. Rigatonicles was shamed at his actions and grateful for the gift, sacrificing some fine pasta in honour of the FSM's great gift.

Rigatonicles soon made his way across the desert of Lasagne, and into the land of Udontheia where Gemellion resided. At once he was met by a two-headed dog name Occhi, the spittle flying from its vicious mouth. Rigatonicles quickly dispatched Occhi, severing its two heads with two mighty strokes of his claw weapon. Hearing the plight of Occhi, Eurytinoni the herdsman came to help, but upon seeing that he was too late, at once flew into the attack. Rigatonicles, who had not yet met his match, once again proved the point by quickly slaying Eurytinoni, and continued on his way to find the giant Gemellion. He soon found him, and realised at once that this would not be an easy fight as Gemellion was a lot bigger than he'd expected him to be. Gemellion pursued Rigatonicles, getting him on the defensive from the start, pursuing him as far as the River Ampastus, but Rigatonicles was only feinting, and suddenly flew at Gemellion, slaying him dead with his knife that was made from the antler of the Cheonsachae Hind.

Pleased with his victory, Rigatonicles made to collect the cattle, putting them into the grog cup of the FSM, but something else caught his eye. In the field where the cattle resided was a plant displaying beans on its branches. Fascinated by this, he harvested as many as he could. After cooking and grinding them, he found that when cooked, the starch from the beans formed a very thin film that could be fashioned into many foodstuffs. It's taste was delightful, and when added to a pasta mix, made a pasta of divinity. Seeing how they hung from the plants, and how they appeared to form the letter "M" when doing so, he named them Mung Beans. Taking his precious cargo, he then sailed back across the desert of Lasagne and across the sea, finally reaching his home.

King Eurystrenette was greatly pleased with the cattle, and gave 10% of them to Rigatonicles to add to his own herd, which made the Cretan Bull very happy, as he was thinking about new cow wenches. The offspring from this union made mighty fine eating too, and soon the herd was slowly becoming quite mixed in its heritage, although none the worse for that.


The Eleventh Pasta

The time of trials was nearing its end, and with only two years to go, Rigatonicles felt that he was ready to move on for good. Yet he understood the need for his trials, without which he would not have been healed, and gave himself to them fully. Before long, King Eurystrenette came to him and gave him his penultimate task, which would tax him more than any other. He was to go to the garden of Hespaghettides to retrieve the Tapioca plants that grow there. Rigatonicles knew that this would be difficult, and formulated a plan.

He used the grog cup of the FSM to travel the seas, looking for the Old One who was rumoured to live there. For many months did he travel, seeing much of this planet, and at last he did find the Old One, capturing him. Rigatonicles took the Old One from the water, and promised to put him back once he told him where the garden of Hespaghettides was to be found. The Old One held out for a long time, but the call of the sea and his lost city at the bottom of it called too strongly, and he at last told Rigatonicles where to find it. Apologising to him for what he had to do, Rigatonicles let the Old One go and continued on his journey, eventually arriving at the garden.

The garden was bordered by the fiercest security that he had ever seen, the surrounding wall being higher than even the pyramids featured in stories of Africa, and thicker still. No matter how he tried, he could not make it through, so he sought out Acini de Pepe, who was no relation to his dear mother. Acini de Pepe had once gone drinking with the FSM, and on a dare from Him, ended up holding up the Heavens for eternity. Now the FSM wasn't a particularly vengeful god unless hungover, but Acini de Pepe had once insulted Him in a drunken rage, comparing His Noodly Appendages to a plethora of small penises. Remembering this the millennium after, He decided to punish Acini for a while with this task usually done by His Noodly Appendages. Knowing that Acini was related to Hespaghettides, he argued that if Acini would gather for him two bags of the seeds and roots from the Tapioca of Hespaghettides, he would hold the Heavens up for him.

Seeing an opportunity for a rest, he readily agreed, and handed the Heavens to Rigatonicles while he went to collect the seeds. Acini soon returned bearing the now full bags, but told Rigatonicles that he had decided that he wanted to deliver them to King Eurystrenette in person. Rigatonicles being wise, he agreed to this, but asked if he might adjust his regalia first so that he would be comfortable. Acini soon agreed to this and took back the Heavens, but as soon as he had done so, Rigatonicles picked up the bags and left. Acini was angry that he had been tricked, but Rigatonicles was long gone, having used his mighty speed to get away fast.

Rigatonicles made his way back home in the grog cup of the FSM, and delivered one bag to the king, King Eurystrenette was very pleased with this, and took them greedily. Rigatonicles made his way back to his farm, making a garland of flowers from the plant to wear, and cooked the root of the tapioca plant, extracting the starch. When made into a pasta, this imbued him with great humility, and although he felt he had been humble before, this was nothing to how humble he now was. Rigatonicles settled down for the rest of the year, confident in the knowledge that he was finally ready for his next task, whatever that may be. He speculated much on it, as he felt that there was nothing left on earth for him to tackle, but his humility tempered this, telling him that there was much still to conquer in the world, and that he had by far not done the greatest deeds ever told.

[Roland Deschain]

The Twelve Pastas of Rigatonicles - by Peista


The Twelfth Pasta

At last the final year of Rigatonicles' redemption had come, and it was time for his greatest trial yet. Rigatonicles was busy on his farm, trying not to speculate too much on what was to come, but come it did, and with great surprise. King Eurystrenette came to him in the dead of night, alone and unarmed, which was unusual in itself. He summoned Rigatonicles into a private meeting, and spoke to him in whispers. What he told him sent shivers down his spine, and Rigatonicles was for the first time truly fearful of a trial. It would take all his skill and cunning to commit, and nothing less than the most supreme effort would ensure its successful completion. Leaving Rigatonicles to ponder his mission in silence, King Eurystrenette left for his city.

Rigatonicles sat in silence for many days, neither eating, speaking, nor drinking. After several days of fasting, he suddenly stood up and requested a meal be prepared for him consisting of all the ingredients he had collected in his previous travels. Much fuss was made over the preparation, and Rigatonicles gave specific instructions on what to do. Finally it was ready, and he sat down with all his friends and farm-workers, instructing them to eat of the meal and drink of the grog. Rigatonicles appeared resplendent in his regalia, which had been cleaned for him, and ate and drank heartily of all that was before him. Those who looked at him thought they saw a glow about his body, and many thought they saw extra appendages emanate forth from him, but they put this down to the grog and heavy meal. Soon the food and drink were gone, and after much singing of old land shanties, Rigatonicles bade everyone to retire for the night.

When the morning came, Rigatonicles was nowhere to be found, and all that remained of him was his full regalia, his weapons, and a note. The note stated that the farm was to be run as normal in his absence, and as he had no idea how long it would take to complete his fifth trial, to do so for as long as possible. Everyone was sad for him leaving without saying goodbye, but all understood it to be necessary for whatever he had to do. What they feared the most was that he had left without weapons and armour, and all felt him to be naked without his regalia, yet they could do nothing, and respected his wishes for them not to seek him. Time carried on, and life did too, the people settling down to life as normal, but there was nary a day when someone would not wonder where he was or what he was doing, so his memory persisted amongst them.

Now Rigatonicles had indeed left naked, without any personal effects, and travelled to Elanterneusia to be inducted into the Elanterneusian Mysteries. Presenting himself at the gate to the temple, he offered his life to their cause, and asked to be taught their ways. Upon seeing who it was at their gates, the priests were excited; never had they received someone so famous since their inception many thousands of years ago. In he went as the gates opened, and he was greeted by a group of the highest order. Instructing him in what was to happen, and asking why he had sought them out, much information was exchanged, and so in awe were they of what he was to do, much haste was made with his induction. For a year did he toil in the trials, taking part in all that he was required to, and passing all tests with flying colours.

He quickly attained his first rank, and everyone who saw his progress was impressed by him. His prowess in every aspect of the mysteries became legendary within the order, and much talk spread that here was the one that they had waited for all this time, who was foretold in the prophecies handed down over the ages. Was he to be the one who initiated the whole world into the mysteries, and was to bring peace to all the world? Nobody knew, but this speculation grew over the coming years.

Rigatonicles learnt all that was required of him, and spent much time reading the ancient manuscripts kept in their library. This facilitated his rise, and by the end of his fifth year there, he was to finally experience the Great Mystery itself, and become one of the order's highest ranking priests. The preparations were made, and the most mysterious secrets were readied to be shown him, for he had achieved ἐποπτεία, which is called contemplation in the outside world. His initiation into the Elanterneusian Mysteries required him to fast the day before, which he did, and then he took the special grog Kykeon, which precipitated a vision of his goal. A great many people on ships with huge sails were there, with the strangest looking mountain he had ever seen. Also nearby was a building, the like of which he had also never seen, with a large number of men and women entering and exiting. He was very excited at all this, and as the vision was about to come to an end, he felt something touch his shoulder. This excited and thrilled him, and only foretold what was to come.

Being taken into the centre of the secret hall where the mysteries were kept, Rigatonicles was given the regalia of the order, which included a strange hat, an eye patch, the most outlandish outfit he had ever seen, and the holy weapon, the short sword. Full knowledge of the order's most secret mysteries was also given to him, and the time came for the final test. Only a full master of the Elanterneusian Mysteries would be able to open the box, and only after much contemplation, but upon touching it, it sprang open. The other masters present then threw themselves on the ground, for it was foretold that the chosen one would show himself with this innate skill. Only then was his destiny confirmed once and for all, and they came to him in supplication and reverence. Rigatonicles thanked them all, and took out the relics, for they were truly old. Inside the box were the remains for the first pirate and the first midget, alongside the tablets the eight "I'd Really You Rather Didn't"s were originally written on. Committing them to memory at once, Rigatonicles replaced the relics and stood, addressing the masters. He told them that a time of change was coming, and now that he had completed his training, the time had come for him to go.

Much celebration was had, and the day after, with a slight hangover, he left Elanterneusia to continue on his trial. Using the knowledge he had attained in Elanterneusia, he travelled to the edge of a mighty river unlike no other. The river flowed fast, but appeared very thick, almost sauce-like in its consistency. Dipping his finger into the river and tasting it, he at once knew that he had reached his destination: the River Styxetti. The river was pure pasta sauce, the origin of which was unknown outside of the masters, and being one of them now, Rigatonicles knew from whence it flowed. Finding the ferryman Charon, Rigatonicles paid him the crossing fee of fine pasta, and travelled across on Charon's boat. Once on the other side, he was met by his old lover, Bucatini, who was sad to see Rigatonicles. Rigatonicles embraced him, telling him not to fear, as he was not yet dead, and they made love on the shores of the River Styxetti. Feeling much better, Bucatini took him into the land beyond, and to his ultimate goal.

Exiting from a cave, Rigatonicles looked around, and at once recognised the scene from his vision. Here was the mountain, which he now understood to be a volcano of infinitely flowing beer. There was the vast sea, alive with ships of all sizes and makes. Over there was the strange building, which he now understood to be a "factory", a word alien to him, that produced strippers of all types and for all tastes. Walking forward in the beautifully clear air, Rigatonicles made for the owner and creator of all he surveyed, approaching with caution. The Creator was resplendent with meatballs, radiant in pasta, and drunk with beer. Beseeching the FSM, Rigatonicles asked if he could borrow His pet, a three-headed dog named Champonerus, the fiercest dog in existence. The FSM agreed, and told Rigatonicles that if he could subdue the dog without weapons, he could have him on loan. So Rigatonicles removed his holy short sword, which he had noticed was very different to the curved swords everyone else wore, and removed his regalia, which was also quite different, standing their in his nudity. Rigatonicles then approached the dog, and with his strength, speed, wisdom, and knowledge, was able to overcome it quite easily.

Returning to the FSM with Champonerus, Rigatonicles thanked the FSM, and promised to return the dog unharmed. The FSM then absolved Rigatonicles of all his past sins, freeing him from the burden of the tasks, although the dog still had to be taken to King Eurystrenette. Inviting Rigatonicles to dine on him, the FSM prepared a feast of the best ingredients. Rigatonicles helped, and in the course of the preparation, the FSM told him the secret to decent pasta sauce, giving him the seeds of every plant needed to make such a meal. At last the meal was ready, and the pirates, strippers, and midgets joined them, everyone eating and drinking heartily. Near the end of the meal, Rigatonicles asked the FSM why the pirates there were dressed similarly to him, but also so very different, and was told that in the future would come a dark time, and from this dark time would arise a movement of enlightenment which would bring with it a change in the appearance of the pirate folk. Asking what he could do to stop it, Rigatonicles was told that there was nothing he could do, and that the period of enlightenment he would usher in on his return would last for 3000 years, also hinting that this future enlightenment would come from one of his many descendants. Happy with this, Rigatonicles rejoined the festivities, and when the end came, he fell into a great sleep.

Awaking from his sleep, he found that he had been carried back to the entrance to the cave, and that beside him slept his old lover, Bucatini. Rousing Bucatini from his slumber, Rigatonicles collected Champonerus, and all three made their way back to the River Styxetti. Bidding a sweaty and passionate farewell to Bucatini, promising to return one day, Rigatonicles boarded Charon's boat with Champonerus to traverse the river to the other side. The journey was long and arduous, but knowing that this was the end was a great relief to him.

At last he returned home, and was within sight of the city walls. Many people saw and recognised him, but were mightily fearful of Champonerus, and admired him from a great distance. Shouting for King Eurystrenette, Rigatonicles presented the three-headed dog of the FSM, Champonerus, and the king was as afraid as his people, jumping into a large vase nearby. At once the king bade Rigatonicles to return the dog to its rightful owner, and he would release him from his tasks immediately. Rigatonicles whispered to the dog in the secret language of the Order of Elanterneusia, and at once the dog ran away back to its master, but not before licking him with its three large tongues, and begging to be stroked and loved. This cemented Rigatonicles' place in history as the mightiest of the mighty Heroes. Rigatonicles was then released from his penance, and for the first time in many years, was a free man.


Epilogue

So thus had ended The Twelve Pastas of Rigatonicles, and In honour of the tasks, King Eurystrenette offered the hand of his virgin daughter Hebe to Rigatonicles, saying that he would make him and his daughter the heirs to his kingdom. Rigatonicles accepted, and summoning Hipastyta, the three of them were married in an equal union. Hipastyta and Hebe were at once the best of friends, and the most passionate of lovers, which greatly pleased Rigatonicles, especially when between them.

Between the three of them, a great republic was forged, and they sent emissaries out to all the regions that Rigatonicles had visited. Every region pledged themselves in service to Rigatonicles, Hipastyta, and Hebe, and measures were taken to ensure that peace reigned. Emissaries were sent from every region to every other region, along with many citizens who would instruct the people they met of the different customs and practises of their own regions. This worked very well, as they took with them also their recipes for pasta, and the seeds of the powerful plants that Rigatonicles had collected.

Many were the offspring of Rigatonicles and his most revered wives, those children further spreading the love of pleasure, and the joy of pasta. Much sex was had throughout the republic in honour of their leaders' lives, and because the people were making love not war, a lasting peace reigned for three millennia, remaining the longest reign of peace in known history, but the ending of that is another story to be told by those to come.

[Roland Deschain]

Let me know what you think of it. I think the Epilogue is a little short, but it will stand for now. Enjoy the madness that is my mind...