The Amalgamated Bunch of Stuff About Heaven.

[Solipsy]

For your consideration in this matter, I have perused the Adjudicated Canon as it stands, and found the following relevant passages:

Muellers I 1:16-18 “16I can see from your letter to me that there is dissention among you as to who shall enter the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory of Heaven. 17Obviously, the True Believers shall enter directly, and as customers in no need of reservations. 18They shall be asked to recount their preferences, and thusly shall those preferences be fulfilled.â€￾

Penelope 3:9-29 These verses address the first visions of Heaven, as related by the ancient venerated prophetess Penelope. http://www.venganza.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=1980


Pasted from the threads and not yet adjudicated, but for consideration:

in heaven, there is also a great sea, with a bunch of cool islands. some include cool coves and secret pirate hiding places, thus in the afterlife, you may be a pirate forever

[Solipsy]

I will continue to trawl relevant threads for snippets to suggest for inspiration/consideration, unless you do not find them useful or necessary.

[Qwertyuiopasd]

is there going to be a creation of heaven? or will we simply hint at it in many places, such as like Penolope?

i know there was something about the first dead pirates and heaven. I'll have to find that and put it here, unless we are going to just hint.

what do you decree o mighty ones?

[Qwertyuiopasd]

right o.

*changes into sherlock costume*

TOOOOOOOOOO THE FORUMS!

for deducing.

[Qwertyuiopasd]

I'm back.

now then, from my use of Elementary and Deduction, i have found that there are a few important facts about heaven:

CONCERING GEOGRAPHY

1. two halves of the infinty that is heaven
2. one half (to the east) has a majority of land (may be rivers), and is the land for those who know of the FSM.
3. the northern most parts of this half are filled with a mountian range made up of beer volcanoes, or mountians with beer inside of them. this is where our beer comes from.
4. the middlen and main part is where the Larges Beer volcano is. its also near the Stripper factory, Italian diner (i vote it being called Aunt Dee Dee's Diner and being managed by DD when she dies), the grocery store where you can buy everything and anything* and, of course, where all the Pastafarians live.
5. to the extreme south, lies south beach. our "hell" if you will. it is not bad to be there, but it is far from the beer volcano and stripper factory, and rather boring.
6. to get to the beer volcano, you must take the long bus ride, which takes 2-3 days. you get there at about 12 noon one day, and must leave 12 noon the next day. this allows for hangovers and taking strippers into motels.
7. also near the middle and main part is the docks, where you can buy* pirate regalia and form a crew to go out and pifler the islands on the other half
8. the other half of the infiniteness that is heaven is the endless carribean.
9. half the islands are awesome islands for exploring, burying treasure, and hiding in cool pirate coves.
10. the other half of the islands are inhabited by people of religions other than Pastafarianism who have never heard of the FSM.
11. there is at least one island for every relgion, but big ones (such as christianity) have multipule islands, so they don't overpopulate.
12. we plunder and pillage these islands freely.
13. and we respect geography. the more north you go, the colder it gets, and the more pengiuns you see (cos' pengiuns are cool). likewise for south.

CONCERING PERSONALNESS

1. there is not fatige in heaven. this includes all types of tiredness. e.g. you can run forever and not get tired. you may, however, get extremely bored. this also allows for build up of muscles so we can be really freakin' strong.

anything else, just ask, and the teacher shall explain.

*i say you buy things, but everything costs nothing.

still rises the question. will we have a section in the Loose Canon about heaven? or hint at it everywhere, and have this one document as a hard copy of what is.

C A R P A L T U N N E L...

I feel your pain Solipsy.

[Solipsy]

Qwerty, in answer to your question, there won't so much be an enumeration of "Heaven" in the Loose Canon, per se, as in a book that says: This is exactly what heaven is like. But, as you suggest in your question, there will be continual references to it in the various Canonical works in the Loose Canon. What this project in this thread involves, to the best of my understanding, is an attempt to determine what IS Canonical regarding FSM Heaven. This is a very privileged moment for Pastafarians, as these types of proceedings are usually held by secret Council of Olive Garden deliberations. I believe this process has been decided because of the vast amount of material generated on this subject.

After about five hours of fishing, I think this is very much a task that will be done incrementally, as I have gathered nearly seven pages of solid text that will need to be gleaned for relevant statements - good ones in, dumb ones out. And there are both, from many diverse sources.
*************************************************************
On that note, here is the first bit from which to distill and summarize:
my personal notes/questions are in italics - ~s/s~

Physical ills all fixed, however you want them. When you do a run-through at the Stripper Factory, you ask for the interior update and repair as well. two source texts, others don't mention...

the Beer Volcano gives forth the beverage of choice, by the glass or cupful, or by the can, bottle or keg. It KNOWS what you want. By both predestination AND foreknowledge, it will provide exactly what you want to drink. (FSM's good at this stuff) all source texts agree

Stripper factory makes custom models to the specifications requested.
are these new people? Source texts unclear?

It's also available for refurbishing the previous models, for instance if the spouse or spousal equivalent is wanting a bit of an update, or if you think one would be nice for yourself, then--reserve a time and go. texts do not specify this must be at spouses choice... do you suppose one could send ones spouse against that spouse's will??? seems unlikely!


The strippers aren't just toys, they're people, so the usual and customary requirements for treating people with respect apply, but the factory does produce custom models and generally attractive persons of all sexual frequencies. texts do not agree if, as people, other options are available to them for their off time

As to chocolate, it's there. The official Holy Meal has a nice chocolatey dessert, although there is room for individual changes. well established by all texts

I assume that any heaven worthy of that title promises active participation, and that the stripper factory is simply a great way to provide people of both genders who are particularly skilled at motivating that participation. implied but not corroborated

As some of the female FSMers have pointed out, actually removing the clothes is not always necessary (one suggested that Johnny Depp would be more to her liking than a random stripper, and could stay clothed as long as he did certain other things). Skilled strippers, of course, are well aware of that fact. implied but not corroborated


Of course some of the FSMers in the afterlife may prefer strippers who simply peel it all off as quickly as possible, but that is only one of many possible stripper behaviors. not corroborated, specific stripper behaviors rarely mentioned

I am sure that all will be accommodated, and yes, there must be the opportunity for active participation as well. by first part of statement, second can be logically extrapolated

There are equal and ever changing numbers of strippers, all of whom are approachable "after work". not corroborated, specific stripper behaviors rarely mentioned

The idea of you being offered Virgins as property is not exactly keeping with our ideas of equality of the sexes and all that. nearly a word-for-word translation of ancient source text

FSM gives us all the chance to become strippers, and to be pleasing to the eyes of others. not specifically stated, but implied through idea of having one's wishes fulfilled?

[Qwertyuiopasd]

Stripper factory makes custom models to the specifications requested.
are these new people? Source texts unclear?

no, that's pretty much agreed by everyone that strippers are produced in a similar way as the volcano creates liquids.

see a are pee? a el tee you en en a el!