I just finished a new piece of scripture. I'm not sure how to classify it, but I hope you like it.
Some Revelations As Recalled By The Almighty Doer of Stuff
1. And it came to pass that Our Noodly Lord, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, did get stupendously drunk one evening. 2. In his drunken state, he did see fit to appear quietly and unnoticed behind me in my bedroom, as I wore my full pirate regalia and read from Pastafarian scriptures. 3. Suddenly, he slapped a Noodly Appendage onto my left shoulder, and pointed another at the text I was reading, dripping tomato sauce onto my clothes, my texts, and my comfy armchair, and spake, 4. "Hey, hey, you kn... you know, I, I think you have some mighty fine taste in rea... re..." then hicoughed, and continued, "reading materials. I, I think you... you're a swell guy." 5. Then verily he did take another swig of rum, spilling some on my carpet.
6. Verily, I was startled and did jump out of my seat, and then, upon realizing that I was in the presence of the Great, Powerful, and Noodly Creator of All That We See and All That We Feel, muttered, "Oh, s~~~, I'm hallucinating." 7. I proceeded to my pill box on my bookshelf of holy texts to ensure that I had taken my antipsychotics as required, and finding that I did, reached for my cell phone and spake, "I need to call my psychiatrist."
8. However, The Lord spake, "Here, buddy, I'll do that f... for you, you just s... sh... sit down and rest, okay, buddy?" 9. He then took my phone with His Noodly Appendage, soaking it in tomato sauce, then dropped it on the floor. 10. He then picked it up again, dropped it again, and dropped a Mighty Meaty Meatball upon it, smashing it to pieces. 11. "Wait, wait, I, I can do this, wait," spake he, and attemped to dial at random upon the keypad, which was now severed from the phone.
12. Now understanding that I would have no reliable way of calling for help, I resigned myself to assuming what I was seeing was real, at least for the time being, and hoped that someone real would come to my aid. 13. I spake to the Lord, "No, it's okay, just put it down. 14. Why are you here? 15. Why did you choose to reveal yourself to me, of all people?"
16. And the Lord spake, "What, are my balls showing? Ha ha! Ha..." 17. And he did drain the remainder of his bottle of rum, and struggled to open another one, which he did procure from within the tangle of Noodles which was His Body.
18. I paid Him no heed, looked away, and attempted to direct my thoughts toward hot strippers. 19. I hoped this would cause what I thought was a hallucination to change into something more pleasant. 20. Nevertheless, he remained in my presence, and spake, "Hey, man, I'm sorry! 21. P... Please don't ignore me! 22. I didn't know you were such a sti... st... stick in the mud! 23. I came here because I thought you were my FFFFRIEND, man! 24. Hu... how could you treat me like this?! 25. You, you... WAAAAAAHH!" 26. He began wailing, tears of pasta sauce splattering over my walls, ceiling, floor, and everything in my bedroom, and he did drop his bottle of rum, spilling most of it.
27. "Okay, okay, I'm your friend and I'm sorry I ignored you," insincerely spake I, and he stopped crying. 28. "Why are you in my bedroom?"
29. The Lord did shudder slightly, and His eyes did point in different directions, and he spake, "I was attabardeh annehwah rurrrryfawn ebba guddebbar ummumphiphehh..." 30. He then did drink what was left in His spilled rum bottle.
31. Not understanding what He had said, I asked for clarification, to which He responded, "I wuzh addaburdeh annehwer rurrrr... urrr..." 32. The Lord did then vomit a profuse amount of smelly clam sauce and rum onto my rug. 33. "Shorry, ma... man..." spake He.
34. "Thanks for that," spake I with irritation. 35. "Now, what did you come here for?"
36. "Hhhhhhhaaave you efffer found yerself in a sit... sitchu... Szechuan... uh, situation," spake the Lord, "where no one seems to supperts yer, in what ya know is right fur... for you, an' they say you'll never suck..." 37. Here He hiccuped, and continued, "...succeed, an' you should gib... gibb... Barry... Maurrrr... give up, and do what they think you should do?" 38. He did open another bottle of rum and began to drink of it.
39. My guard dropped when He spake this, and I spake in response, "Why, yes, I find myself in that situation quite often. 40. It's really frustrating, and I often feel hopeless."
41. "Well," spake He, "don... donut... do not get frestrated, because it ain't worth it. 42. If yeh've thought about it a whole lot, an' yur reeeeeeeeeeeally sure of it, an' yeh know it's wot yew need fer yerself, then gather what suppert you can, an' there's almost always someone who'll support you, nobody's really alone and there's nothing new under the sun and all that shi..."
43. He paused for about fifteen seconds before I spake, "Go on."
44. "What was I saying?" spake He.
45. "Nobody's really alone and there's nothing new under the sun..." reminded He I.
46. "Right," spake the Lord. 47. "Nothing new under the sky, an' keep those supporters close, and just keep press... press-gang... pressing forward, and get what's yours. 48. It's not in the nature of pirates to just give in to societal norms. 49. That's what makes them pirates, and you, you... you look like a pirate, man. 50. Bad-ass."
51. What He just spake unto me heartened me greatly, and I began to smile. 52. "What else can you tell me? 53. I wish to know more," spake I.
54. "Oh, okay," spake the Lord, finishing His bottle of rum and openning yet another. 55. His rum supply did seem endless, indeed. 56. "Porno is fggghhghgin' aweshome, dude."
57. Although I was disappointed by this latest revelation as compared to the previous thoughtful and enlightening one, I pressed for more Noodly Wisdom.
58. "Alright then," spake He, "how's this? 59. You're takin' my advishe now, but tha'ss t' be espected, 'cause I'm God an' all. 60. But take other mortals's advice too sometimes. 61. Not everyone has good advise or should be lissent to, but yeh should learn who you can trust an' who yeh cannot, an' do yer own research an' everythin', and if something turns out to make sense, don' just go with yer gut an' ignore everyone. 62. Like I said, there's nothing new under the planets. 63. Annyway, yer gut only tells yer what yer emotions and hunger an' constipation are. 64It don't give no wisdom, man. 65. In short, always use yer head, and don't pretend you know everyfing. 66. I'm not shurr if that good avice, 'cause I'm sloshed an' all, but you're the one who asked for it."
67. The Lord then did finish His bottle of rum, and did then extract a bottle of fine Italian limoncello from amidst His Noodles, and began drinking. 68. "Limoncello? 69. I thought you'd be drinking more rum," spake I.
70. He did spit limoncello in my face, presumably accidentally. 71. "What, I have to drink rum all the time? 72. I love limoncello," spake He. 73. Anyway, you know what tthey say..."
74. "No, I don't," puzzled I.
75. He spake in a serious tone, "Candy's dandy, but liquor every day an'd she'll love yeh ferever. 76. THAT'S some damn fine wisdom for you."
77. "Uh, thanks," spake I.
78. He finished his limoncello and spake unto me, "There's one last piece of wisdom I think I really should tell you. 79. It's really important, I tell you."
80. Spake I, "What is it, Lord?"
81. "You know, sometimes you she a strange dog when you're walking down the shreet," spake He. 82. "You know what to do when that happenzh, right?"
83. "Keep your distance, or if it's with its owner and the owner says it's okay, approach slowly and carefully, watching the dog's body language for signs of aggression," answered I.
84. "Wrong, asshole," spake he. 85. "Ye walks straight up to it, put yer hands around its throat, and STRANGLE THE FRIGGIN' BEAST!" 86. He began screaming, flying in circles and flailing His Noodles all about, knocking things off my shelves and breaking my glass and ceramics. 87. "WRING HIS GODDAMN NECK! 88. CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF THAT DAMNED DOG, IGNORING HIS OWNERS CRIES OF ANGER AND FEAR! 89. IGNORE THEIR CRIES FOR HELP! 90. JUST KILL THE DAMN THING! FRIGGIN' DOGS, ALWAYS TRYIN' TO BITE MY BAWLS!" 91. He did pull out two bottles of rum, smash the necks of Montresor style, and chug them both simultaneously. 92. He threw the bottles at the wall, and began to weep. 93. "There's a reason why we have ship's cats and not ship's dogs. 94. Ship's cats eat the rats, but ship's dogs eat your food and try to jump overboard for a friggin' swim, 'cause they're damned stupid. 95. I HATE those damned rabbits."
96. At long last, the Lord did pass out on my bed, and after about an hour I did attempt to sleep on my sauce-covered armchair. 97. I eventually did succeed, and dreamed uncomfortable dreams. 98. In the final dream, I found myself on the slopes of the Beer Volcano, and the Lord, who had a very bad hangover indeed, did speak to me, "Dude, I'm sorry about last night. 99. I was at a party and I got carried away, and they told me to go sleep it off somewhere, and I guess your place just looked convenient, or something. 100. I don't know. 101. I'll fix your room for you. 102. Have faith!" 103. Then I did wake up, and my room was as normal, with the sauce cleaned up, and that which was broken was repaired.
104. To this day, I do not and cannot know whether what I recall actually transpired. 105. I feel compelled to relate it to you all regardless, for perhaps it will have some significance.
106. Have faith!