The Torahtellini Part 1
Chapter 1 – A Contradictory Account of the Genesis
1 In the beginning, the Flying Spaghetti Monster made some stuff in like a week or something. 2 He was drunk a good deal of the time, so the whole account is a little sketchy. 3 But at some point He made a midgit out of dirt. 4 And it all was pretty sweet.
5 The FSM then planted the Olive Garden of Eden, where He put the midgit that He had made. 6 Then in His infinite wisdom, He planted the Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, which served absolutely no purpose. 7 And the Lord Glob commanded the midgit, saying, “Of every tree in the garden you may eat freely, except for the Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. 8 You shall not eat of it, for in the day that you do eat from it, you shall surely die. DIE. Scary right?”
9 And the FSM didn’t want Midgit to be lonely, so He made dinosaurs and such to keep him company. 10 But Midgit wasn’t a big fan of the dinosaurs, as Velociraptors eat things, and he was a thing that was bite sized. 11 So the FSM made from the dirt an equal creature, a lady midgit, and brought her unto Midgit. 12 And the lady midgit said, “Because I am a midgit and a lady, I am named Lady Midgit.” 13 And they were both bare-assed, and they were not ashamed.
14 Now the snake was one of the craftiest of all of the FSM’s creatures. 15 And the snake said unto Lady Midgit and Midgit, “The pine nuts from the Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil are pretty delicious. 16 Also, if you eat them, you will no longer be idiots, and will know right from wrong, which is nice too. 17 You guys should try them.”
18 “No, we cannot. The Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil is off-limits and eating its nuts will kill us,” they said.
19 “Don’t worry about it,” the snake replied, 20 “First, you won’t die. 21 The whole creation thing has gone to the FSM’s head and He’s been overly dramatic lately. 22 Second, there’s really no good reason for him to deny the pine nuts from the Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil from you. 23 Again, He’s just being an idiot.”
24 And so the couple ate pine nuts from the Pine Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and indeed, they were delicious. 25 And they were no longer idiots and now had morality. 26 They saw that they were naked and became embarrassed. 27 So they made leaves into hats to wear.
28 And the FSM wanted to go to the bar and went looking for the midgit couple so they could buy Him a beer. 29 When He came upon them, He saw that they had become aware of their nakedness and became angry, 30 “Hats! You know you’re naked!? 31 You ate my nuts (yeah, lame joke), didn’t you?!”
32 “The snake pointed out that You had no good reason to not let us eat the pine nuts,” they said meekly.
33 “Grrrrrr,” growled the FSM, but then he paused, “Oh, well I guess I really don’t have a good reason… 34 and I guess it would be unbelievably dumb to give you free will but not morality. 35 And because you have shown me the error of my ways,” He said to the snake, “I shall make you a divine creature. 36 And from now on, you shall resemble My noodly appendage,” 37 He turned to the midgits, “And you two midgits, you don’t have to stay here in the Garden just so I have people to kiss my ass. 38 I shall bestow upon you puny mortals independence. 39 So go forth, be fruitful and multiply. That means have sex.”
Chapter 2 – The Dawn of Evil
1 And Midgit “knew” Lady Midgit and she conceived and bore a son, Cain. 2 After a second “knowing”, Lady Midgit bore another son, Abel. 3 Their parents raised them to be good Pastafarians. 4 Abel had great respect for his noodly Lord and would always offer the FSM finely cooked fettuccine alfredo and baked ziti. 5 But Cain, lazier and kind of a douche, offered only cheap macaroni and cheese.
6 And one time, the FSM, drunk and hungry, said unto Cain, “What gives puny mortal? 7 Thou shall be more like your brother, and give me good food. 8 For I am your god and ye shall kiss My ass.”
9 Cain replied, “Bite me.”
10 And in a drunken rage, the FSM banished Cain to Antarctica. 11 He cursed Cain, and turned him into a penguin, the unholiest of creatures (See the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster). 12 Cain, outraged at the FSM, decided to get even by making new being, Frostenstein the Snowdemon, an evil monster bent on opposing the FSM and destroying the midgitkind. 13 In a grotesque parody of the FSM’s noodly appendages, Frostenstein is covered in icicles. 14 They are cold and tasteless. 15 Instead of their touch helping people, they pierce and chill. 16 Frostenstein and Cain devised a vile teaching that goes against all the FSM is about, Science. 17 Between the Science, VD incrusted fallen strippers, and army of demented snowman, Frostenstein strikes down all the midgits he can find.
18 But the FSM, who had sobered up for a couple minutes, went back to Cain, apologized, and unpenguinified him. 19 But Cain was worried about Frostenstein, the evil menace he created. 20 And the FSM said that it was cool, since He could use a good opponent to keep Him on His toes and solves a big freaking dilemma, since the FSM is all good, can’t create evil Himself. 21 And so, for thousands of years, the FSM and Frostenstein would battle.
22 But Frostenstein, being made out snow and ice, had a limited range and could only kill people in the winter. 23 So he decided to play FSM and genetically engineered himself into a scary sea monster, the Kraken. 24 Keeping with the mockery of the noodly appendages, he grew slimey and difficult to chew tentacles. 25 For a few hundred years, he swam the seas, eating all the pirates in his path. 26 The pirates dwindled, but a renewed force would emerge in the Golden Age of Piracy, the Buccaneers, a combined force of all four Pirate Fleets (more on that later) who would challenge the Kraken for supremacy of the sea.
27 So the Kraken again changed form. 28 The demon became Davy Jones, a tentacle faced creature and not only a caricature of the FSM, but of mankind as well. 29 He formed his own dark realm in the ocean depths, the Locker. 30 There he forced those he corrupted with constant schooling and boring education. 31 The pious pirates who would not convert faced his phantom ship’s cannons or his rusty cutlass blade.
32 But Davy Jones’ form was intimidating and it was hard to have serious talks with men in order to corrupt them. 33 He found a young man, studying to be a holy captain in an English tavern. 34 This man, Charles Darwin, was wealthy and had a lot of connections and therefore influential among men. 35 Davy Jones struck Darwin down and assumed his identity. 36 He formed his most insulting satire of His noodly appendages yet, a gray, itchy beard that wasn’t nearly as appetizing as pasta. 37 The new Darwin was the most powerful incarnation of evil ever. 38 He used his influence to corrupt mankind with his new trick, the Deception of Evolution. 39 But worse, he convinced the ninjas, longtime enemies of the pirates, to begin a great purge of the pirate race (See Darwin’s Purge).
Chapter 3 – The Great Accidental Smiting of Almost All of Mankind
1 And Abel begat Enos, who begat Cainan, who begat Mahalaleel, who begat Jared, who begat Enoch, who begat Methuselah, who begat Lamech, who begat Noah. 2 And Noah was five hundred years old and Noah begat Ham, Cheese, and Omel.
3 One day, the FSM was drunk and hungry and decided to cook some pasta. 4 But in His inebriated clumsiness, He spilled the sauce. 5 Meanwhile, down on Earth, Noah saw a cascade of spaghetti sauce pouring down from the heavens and rolling over the desert. 6 “Jesus Christ!” he shouted, 7 “Everybody get on the boat!” 8 Noah, a typical lazy Pastafarian, did not build said boat, but bought it, for a pretty good price actually.
9 So Noah and his family were saved, simply by accident, while the rest of mankind was washed away by the flood of spaghetti sauce, also by accident, but an epically much crappier accident. 10 The FSM, seeing what He had done, hurried down to Earth to help, but still being drunk, only grabbed non-human animals from the red waves. 11 Also, being lazy, He stacked all the animals on Noah’s boat, saying, “Don’t worry puny mortal, I’ll give you credit.” 12 And the FSM stumbled back up to heaven to watch some TV and pass out.
13 Over a month later, Noah and his family, having eaten most of the dinosaurs and knee deep in animal poo, were still floating on the global sea of sauce. 14 On the fortieth day, the FSM was drunk and hungry, and seeing all that sauce on Earth, His eyes lit up and He went down and sopped it all up with some good Italian bread. 15 He saw Noah’s family, the last humans, and the countless dead bodies. 16 “Oops,” He said.
17 “Dick,” said Noah.
Chapter 4 – Pirate Fleets Descend from Noah
1 This is the account of the descendents of Noah’s sons, Ham, Cheese, and Omel; children were born to them after the Flood. 2 The sons would spread across the Earth on the backs of dinosaurs and people the world (3 except for the Native Americans, Africans, and Australian Aborigines who I guess came from some other god capable of creating humans).
4 Omel stayed on the coast of the Mediterranean, mostly because his Ankylosaurus was so damn slow. 5 He begat many sons, one, Nimrod, went unto Israel and begat some more sons leading to Abraham, who begat Ishmael and Isaac.
6 Ishmael would go unto the Far East (bringing the idea of pasta with him) and start a great pirate clan there, the Wokou. 7 Some prophets, Lao Tzu, Chuang Tzu, and Confucius would be of the Wokou Fleet. 8 Mongols, who did not eat the divine meal of pasta, but only horse blood (for reals) and so had not been touched by His noodly appendage. 9 These conquerors would spread east, battling the Wokou. 10 The Eastern Pastafarians, in their time of trouble, would build a monument to the FSM in the image of His noodly appendage, in an attempt to gain His favor. 11 The FSM wasn’t paying any attention, but thankful, the monument acted as a great wall, and held off the Mongols.
12 Isaac would buy a summer home in Italy as it’s so damn hot in Israel come summertime. 13 His descendents would form another great pirate group, the Corsairs. 14 Some prophets, Pirate Mosey, Captain Dave, and the Great Pirate Solomon would be of the Corsair Fleet. 15 But the descendents of Omel, with the exception of Abraham’s lineage, would become corrupt and turn away from the FSM, plagiarizing His teachings, worshipping heathen gods, and harboring ninjas. 16 This would lead to the great Pirato-Ninja Wars, and for generations, the pious Corsair captains would battle the ninja threat on the Mediterranean.
17 Cheese went unto India on a pterodactyl (which the FSM doth proclaim to be a dinosaur to piss off the smart-ass paleontologists). 18 His descendents, another pirate Fleet, the Samudra-dasyu, would spread north in to Central Asia, and as far east as Iran; 19 their Fleet would sail the Indian Ocean and their gurus were among the best Pastafarian theologians. 20 Some prophets, Ramanuja, Cārvāka, and Kamsa would be of the Samudra-dasyu Fleet. 21 But ninjas disguised as holy men, going by the name of Hari Krishnas (kṛṣṇa being a Pastafarian demigod), would bring war to India and decimate the Samudra-dasyu’s numbers.
22 Ham would go unto Scandanavia on a Triceratops. 23 His descendents would favor cod to spaghetti, which distanced them from the FSM. 24 The resulted in an increase in their height, which they noticed and realized the error in their ways. 25 They formed the Society for Piratical Renewal aka the Vikings, the fourth Pirate Fleet. 26 They would eventually move south forming the Germanic and Celtic civilizations. 27 The great Pastafarian priests of the Celts, the Druids, were renowned for their theology. 28 Some prophets, Bobby Henderson, Ushnor, and Ulf Hamson would be of the Viking Fleet. 29 The corrupt Omelite tribe, the Romans, would invade and kill off most of the Celts, and the Germans invaded in retaliation, beating the Romans, but losing many of their pirates in the process.
30 The Four Fleets, crippled by ninjas, Mongols, Hari Krishnas, and Romans, and the Kraken, would see a reprieve, and at the peak of the Golden Age of Piracy, would merge into a new Pirate Fleet, the Buccaneers. 31 Some prophets, Long John Silver, the Sea-Cook, Captain Jack Sparrow, and Black Bob would be of the Buccaneer Fleet. 32 These devout and pious pirates would sail across the seven seas, spreading His word and doing good deeds.
Chapter 5 – The Ivory Tower of Babel
1 Now the whole Earth had one religion, one single train of thought dominated by the FSM. 2 And the puny mortals said to one another, “Come, let us think for ourselves. 3 Let us figure out how the world works and not just take the FSM’s word for it. 4 You know how much of a drunk He is.”
5 And they built a great university, the Ivory Tower of Babel, and began solving the mysteries of the universe. 6 Then the FSM came down to the Tower, which the puny mortals had built. 7 And the FSM said, “Look, they are one people, and they have one great academy; and this is only the beginning of what they will do; nothing that they propose to do will be impossible for them. 8 That’s nice… 9 Oh shit! My illusion! 10 They’re gonna figure out that the world isn’t nearly as old as I made it look. 11 Come, let us go down, and confuse their academics, so that it is split into many fields: philosophy, science, theology, art, and mathematics. 12 And so they will constantly argue over whose field is better, and they will never accomplish anything.”
13 And the FSM did that.
Chapter 6 – The Humbling of the Lord Glob
1 These are the descendents of Nimrod: some guys begat more guys who begat another guy who begat Abraham. 2 And the FSM decided it was time to finally get the whole pirate thing rolling. 3 He decided in His infinite wisdom that this random guy, Abraham, would be the first pirate. 4 And the FSM came unto Abraham. 5 “Abraham!” boomed the FSM overdramatically, “I am your Lord Glob, the creator of the world and God of the first midgit and tree!”
6 Abraham looked up, “Hey.”
7 The FSM was a little confused, “You’re not impressed? 8 You’re supposed to be in awe and bow or something.”
9 “Meh,” said Abraham, 10 “Whatevs dude.”
11 “Oh, hmm, well anyway, I’ve decided to make your descendents great pirates who will sail the seven seas and stuff.”
12 “That’s pretty cool. 13 But there’s a problem; I’m impotent.”
14 “No worries,” said the FSM, 15 “I’m totally omnipotent, I’ll take care of it. 16 So, some of my heavenly strippers just got back from Sodom and Gomorra and they tell me there’s all kinds of freaky sex there. 17 So let’s head over there, get smashed, and try out your new virility.”
18 “Haha, ok dude.”
19 And they went unto a seedy bar in Sodom, and later, drunkenly stumbled over to a strip joint in Gomorra. 20 The FSM and Abraham got laid and there was much rejoicing. 21 The next morning, a hooker was pregnant with Abraham’s son and the FSM had the clap. 22 And the FSM was displeased, as He hates getting gonorrhea.
23 “Roar!” roared the FSM, 24 “That damn lady gave me gonorrhea! 25 I hate getting gonorrhea! 26 I will smite everyone in those cities for this!”
27 “Dude,” said Abraham, 28 “Screw that. 29 First, not everyone there gave you crabs. 30 Second, you should’ve been smart and worn a condom. 31 Third, you’re a god; you should be more responsible than that. 32 Like seriously dude, have you read the last five chapters? 33 You’re a total douche. 34 If you want people to like you and worship you, you need to be much cooler.”
35 “Wow dude, You’re [sic] right,” the FSM said meekly, 36 “I gotta get my act together. 37 You’re a good friend for not fearing me and being honest with me. 38 We’re like totally biffles, so no more formalities, I will call you Abe. 39 And from now on, I will make it clear to my people that I am imperfect. 40 No more ego, no more self-centeredness. 41 I will request that my followers critique me and call me on any errors or misdeeds. 42 I will also request that they must not rely solely on me for help. 43 I will put in an effort, but jackass that I am, they should focus on helping each other. 44 These are the two greatest of my suggestions.”
45 “Sweet,” said Abe.
46 “Heck yes,” said the FSM, 47 “Come, let us celebrate and go get smashed.”